The Fates Have A Twisted Sense of Humor

By ArtikGato

Disclaimer: Pigs do not fly. Following that train of logic, I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Author's Notes/Rants: 96 REVIEWS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  THANKIES THANKIES THANKIES!! I feel so loved!! ^___^ And someone called me sensei!! Er, sorry. Anyway, I'd just like to say thank you SO much to ALL of the reviewers!

Serious notes: As I said before, Koenma is not, I repeat, NOT, evil in this story. He's just insanely jealous. Anyway, I'm planning on writing this chapter and one more, and then ending the story. I stress the world PLANNING. Most of the time when I say that, I end up writing twice as many chapters as I was planning on writing...

Oh, and THANKIES TO ALL OF MY REVIEWERS!!! KWEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!

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            "No you youkai shieiji, I don't want to fight you," Koenma said. He crouched slightly into a battle stance. "...I want to kill you,"

Chapter Four

            "Kill him? Are you CRAZY?!" demanded Botan.

            "No, I'm perfectly sane," Koenma replied angrily, glaring once again at Hiei.

            "Then WHY exactly are you challenging him to a DEATH MATCH?!" Botan asked, a bit sarcastically. Hiei took a step forward, placing himself between Botan and Koenma.

            "I think that's obvious. He's jealous," Hiei answered.

            "But jealousy alone shouldn't be enough to make KOENMA challenge YOU!" Botan pointed out.  Hiei shrugged.  

            "Then he's REALLY jealous," he replied.

            "Hey!! Don't ignore me!! Murderously jealous guy, here!" Koenma exclaimed. Hiei turned his attention back to him.

            "If you want to fight me so much...then try a little patience!" he said, shedding his cloak and drawing his kitana.

            "Hold on, Hiei!" Botan exclaimed, walking past him and up to Koenma.

            "Now, explain to me WHY you are so jealous?" she asked.

            "He KISSED you!" Koenma exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

            "So?"

            "SO?! Youkai like him barely even deserve to TOUCH you!"

            "Why is that?"

            "You are an underworld messenger, are you not? That makes you one step removed from an angel. Demons...demons just aren't supposed to kiss angels!" Koenma explained.

            "Says who?" Botan asked.

            "Says ME!" Koenma exclaimed. Botan glared at him.

            "Listen, you! You may be my boss in the Spirit World but you can't tell me how to live!" Botan shrieked.

            "Umm...you're not actually alive..." Koenma said.

            "SAME DIFFERENCE YOU JERK!!!!" Botan screamed, and instinctively slapped him hard across the face. Hiei smirked.

            "Now he knows how I feel," he thought.

            "Y...you..." Koenma started, holding his cheek more in shock than in pain. "You SLAPPED me!" he exclaimed.

            "Oh, what a BRILLIANT deduction!!" Botan exclaimed, sarcastically. Koenma's eyes glowed an eerie yellow, and he growled.

            "You...you..." Koenma started, turning on Botan. She returned his glare, not backing down.

            "&%$#@!" Koenma swore, grabbing her upper arms and slamming her into a tree. She tried to cry out in pain, but the breath had been knocked out of her. Koenma glared at her, but didn't even get to say anything before a fist collided with his head, sending him flying away and into the ground. The person connected to the fist landed in front of Botan all too gracefully.

            "Are you all right?" Hiei asked, turning to her. She took a shaky breath.

            "I think so," she said, stepping away from the tree. She trembled, and her legs gave out from underneath her. Hiei caught her, stopping her from falling. "Okay, maybe not," she said, sitting down on the ground and holding her head.

            "You PUNCHED me!" came the outraged cry from Koenma. Hiei turned to him, his eyes glowing a firey red.

            "Enma's son or not...NO ONE has the right to treat a woman this way!" he said.

            "You hypocrite!" Koenma accused. Hiei snarled at him.

            "I never harmed a hair on her head. You slammed her against a tree!" Hiei shouted.

            "You KISSED her! That's worse!" Koenma replied.

            "How?! I should think that she enjoyed THAT more than being SLAMMED INTO A TREE!" Hiei exclaimed, lunging forward, ready to strike. Koenma barely managed to dodge Hiei's slash, but the force he created sent Koenma flying into a tree. The tree snapped in half, and Koenma crashed to the ground a few feet away. He stood up shakily a minute or so later, looking more than a little worse for the wear, but still determined to win.

            "Koenma! That's enough! You of all people should realize how strong Hiei is! This is stupid!" Botan exclaimed. Koenma glared at her.

            "You stay out of this!" he exclaimed, surging with energy. Without warning, he sent a bolt of energy at Hiei, striking the demon in the chest and sending him flying through several trees.

            "Koenma!" Botan shouted, enraged. She suddenly found the energy to stand up. "Stop this! What do you have to gain?!"

            "You!" Koenma shouted. Botan took a deep breath, clenching her hands into fists.

            "Listen! Killing Hiei or getting killed by him won't solve anything!" she exclaimed.

            "What do you know?!" demanded Koenma.

            "I know that you can't force me to love you!! And certainly not by killing Hiei! Stop this right now!" Botan exclaimed. Koenma froze, and Hiei suddenly reappeared behind Botan, ready to kill.

            "All right, I don't care WHOSE son you are, this time you're DEAD!" Hiei exclaimed, but Botan held her arm out, stopping him. Koenma sighed.

            "I understand. But, sooner or later you're going to have to let me know how you really feel so that this doesn't happen again," he said, and then vanished. Hiei growled, but sheathed his sword and retrieved his cloak.

            "What was THAT all about?" Hiei asked.

            "Well, I didn't want either of you to be hurt, so I decided to mediate!" Botan replied, defensively. Hiei scoffed.

            "Are you saying that he had a chance at beating me?" Hiei asked. Botan thought for a second.

            "Well...not really. But he DID throw you through four trees..."

            "Really? I thought it was five. Anyway, that I barely felt," Hiei replied. Botan shrugged.

            "Whatever," she said, as she tried to summon her oar. Then she remembered that it was in two pieces.

            "DAMMIT, KOENMA!! iHehHHHHHHHkdkdkHOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO THE SPIRIT WORLD NOW?!" Botan screamed in frustration.

            "Umm...I was actually the one that broke your oar..." Hiei pointed out. She twitched, and stalked over to him.

THWOCK!!

            Hiei rubbed the back of his head where she had hit him.

            "Okay...I'll admit that I deserved that," Hiei said. "What a violent woman..."

            "Oh well. I probably shouldn't go back to Spirit World for a while, anyway," Botan said.

            "Why?" Hiei asked. She looked at him incredulously.

            "Were you NOT just fighting with Koenma over me?" she asked. He was silent.

            "I guess I should stay somewhere here on Earth for a few days," she said after a while.

            "You should probably stay with Genkai and my sister," Hiei told her. She nodded, but then thought of something.

            "But we're MILES from Genkai's temple! How am I going to get there?" she asked. Hiei shrugged.

            "You could always walk..." he started.     

            "We're MILES from her temple and I'm in a kimono!! I don't think so!" Botan exclaimed.

            "Just take a bus or whatever Yusuke uses to travel," Hiei said, starting to walk away with a giant smirk on his face.

            "I don't have any money!" she exclaimed, running to catch up with him. He turned around, startling her.

            "Well, I suppose I could take you there. I can probably get there in under ten minutes," Hiei said, slyly. She looked hopeful, but then skeptical.

            "What's the catch?" she asked. He smiled evilly. She was kind of freaked out by this, but decided not to say anything.

            "You have to promise not to hit me, slap me, or hurt me in any other way if I do," he said. She sighed in relief.

            "Deal," she said. His evil smile turned into an evil grin.

            "Umm...could you stop that? You're kind of weirding me ou-- mmmmpphhh?!" she started, but never got to finish her request, for Hiei had grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her.

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            "AGAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN?!" Koenma whined, staring at his television screen.

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            When Hiei finally ended the kiss, he had a gigantic smirk on his face. Botan's eyebrow twitched.

            "Hiei...you..." she started. "You...JERK!!!!" she screamed, shoving him forcefully. Unfortunately, Hiei forgot the fact that he was standing on the top of a slight hill...and at the bottom was a river.

SPLASH!!!

            This time, it was Botan who was smirking and Hiei who was twitching.

            "WE HAD A DEAL!!!" he shouted.

           "Well, technically shoving you doesn't count as causing you harm...so...HA!!" Botan exclaimed, as a dripping wet Hiei appeared in front of her. A quick burst of Spirit Energy dried him off, him all the while glaring at Botan. She smiled in fake innocence.

            "Oh well," she said, shrugging. "Anyway, time for you to hold up your end of the bargain!" she said. He sighed.

            "Fine, fine," he said, and quickly scooped her up into his arms, disappearing before she could even squawk in surprise.

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            "Agh! Genkai REALLY needs to install an escalator or something here! Could there POSSIBLY be more steps?!" Yusuke complained. Kuwabara, carrying a tired but happy looking Yukina on his back, turned around and glared at Yusuke.

            "Hey! I'M not complaining, and I'm carrying an extra person! Just shut up, all right?!" he snapped. Yusuke shut up. Well, not quite.

            "Cranky today, aren't we Kuwabara?"

            "Shut up!!"

            "Would you HURRY UP?!" came Kurama's annoyed shout from above them. They turned to see him about twenty steps above them.

            "Okay, okay! We're coming!" Yusuke exclaimed, and he and Kuwabara started their arduous climb to the top of Genkai's stairs once again.

            "Thank you for carrying me, Kazuma," Yukina said. Kuwabara smiled happily as imaginary cupids flew around his head.

            "No problem, Yukina, my snow princess!" Kuwabara exclaimed.

            A painful and excruciating twenty minutes later, the group finally made it to the top of Genkai's stairs, and not a moment too soon. Instantly, the three men plopped down on the grass, exhausted, and Yukina rushed into the temple to get cold water for them.

            It was at that point that Hiei and Botan arrived nearby. Hiei dropped the flailing Botan unceremoniously on the ground. She jumped up and shrieked a stream of profanities and insults at him, attracting the attention of the three men, Yukina, and Genkai.

            "Botan?!" Yukina and Genkai demanded, astonished.

            "I take it you didn't have fun on the mission," Yusuke said.

            "No, you THINK?!" Botan exclaimed.

            "Hiei must have REALLY gotten on your bad side, because I've NEVER seen you like this," Kurama pointed out. Botan just gave an exasperated sigh, and stomped off. Yukina followed, concerned, and Genkai just shrugged and left, uninterested. Kuwabara followed Yukina, leaving just Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei.

            "What DID you do to her, Hiei?" Yusuke asked. Hiei sighed.

            "Well, I put her through hell...probably more than once. But I think the reason she's THIS mad at me is either the broken oar...or the kisses," he said, shrugging.

            "Broken oar?" Yusuke asked.

            "KISSES?!" demanded Kurama.

Just as a bit of warning...I may not update for a while. Sorry. But the mission is over, time for the Epilogue! I don't think I could possibly write more than two chapters for the epilogue...but then again, you never know...

No new Japanese words in this chapter! Yay!

Once again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! for all of my reviews!! ^______^