**AUTHOR'S NOTES** So I'm back! Tis my last day of Spring Break and I felt
like doing something fun and productive for once. I may not be able to
update for a while after this one since it's my last two months of high
school (PRAISE HYNE!!) and thus, crazy amount of work. Especially since I
'volunteered' (I'm the only one who knows how to edit video) to make the
grad video: which is an incredibly long montage of strange things my grade
has done over the years including out class president's interpretive dance
to 'somewhere over the rainbow'. . .my school is so weird. And if that
we're bad enough, I'm directing the school play which goes on at the end of
April and my actors are being un-cooperative AND my choir is going to this
big ass convention thingy. URG! I expect to be in a mental institute by
June.
~*Chapter 13*~
Like Father, Like Son
*Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.* -Dale Carnegie
As Seifer forcefully made her step inside her dorm, Quistis fought to regain some self-control, which was made difficult by her condition and the shock of what was happening to her. Her training took over, and she decided to humor him until she could strike back, or at least find a way to escape. She found it ironic how she had wished to cease to exist, mere minutes ago, and now that she faced possible annihilation, her survivals instincts proved the stronger.
"Well, Seifer," she challenged her captor, but keeping her eyes downcast as to not provoke him, "If it is revenge you want, come and take it, I don't care. I have nothing to lose anymore...'
He gave a derisive chuckle, but remained a few steps away from her. It was in a voice devoid of mockery that he spoke next, his words painful to the woman facing him.
"Yes Instructor, I can see that after the spectacle you made of yourself." He paused and looked her up and down with a smirk that made her desperately want to cover herself in her most revealing dress. But she wouldn't dare show him how uncomfortable he made her feel. That would be a sign of weakness. "I can't believe that with all you have going for you, and you're willing to sacrifice it all on a girly crush."
"Girly crush? How dare you!" She exploded, the tension finding an outlet in anger, "Do your worst, lap-dog, but spare me your lectures!"
An uncomfortable silence hung between them after that exchange, Quistis realized that insulting him wasn't the wisest of tactics, due to present circumstances.
"Even if I wanted revenge, which I don't, not anymore," He said in a controlled tone, "You are already punishing yourself enough, and maybe now you understand what brought on my own demise."
"Huh?" Quistis's brain was slowly dispersing the fogs of drunkenness, and in a moment of clarity she grasped the meaning of his words. They were alike, in their own strange and completely different ways. He had reached for the crazy, yet not impossible, notion of becoming the sorceress' knight. And she, in turn, reached for something equally, if not more, out of reach. "We both longed for something unattainable," she whispered, her eyes fixed on the carpet "for a dream that could only destroy us..."
"More like a nightmare, Quistis," he replied, taking a step towards her and placing his powerful hand on her shoulder, "It is time to wake up now."
His touch was gentle and the cold leather of his uniform gloves soothed her searing skin, which was damp with perspiration. He said he didn't want revenge, and for some strange, unknown reason, she believed him. But that only begged the question:
"Why are you here then? . ." Her fear quickly dissolved into curiosity. If she were her usual self, upon getting the first glimpse of Seifer she would have immediately informed security and demanded a plausible explanation for his presence in Balamb. But now she couldn't help but feel a little giddy at his sudden appearance since she was certain no harm would come to her. "This seems like an awful lot of trouble for you to go through if only to talk to me."
Seifer laughed sarcastically at this and removed his hand from her shoulder while taking a careful step backwards. "Get over yourself instructor." He said stiffly "Believe it or not, the whole universe does not revolve around you."
Quistis prepared for a witty comeback but another wave of nausea suddenly surfaced through her already churning stomach and she was forced to sit down on the floor, her head swimming so badly that the very thought of navigating herself the nearest chair seemed impossible.
"Hmm. . . Now this is where I'm torn." She heard Seifer say somewhere within the twisting image of her living room before her. "I could either leave you here alone in your drunken misery and get back to work, which by all means is the better option, or I could stay here and hold your hair back when you inevitably become horribly sick."
The only response he got was a chain of dry heaving and gagging as his ex- instructor desperately tried to both answer him with some antagonizing comment and prevent herself from throwing up on his nicely polished shoes.
With a sigh and a murmured "your lucky your beautiful", Seifer quickly grabbed Quistis by the shoulders and hastily led her to her bathroom just in time for her to grab the toilet bowl and throw up in it. As promised, he held her hair back for her as she heaved, occasionally rubbing her back in what she supposed he thought was a comforting action. But all his company did was remind her of how stupid and idiotic all her actions tonight were.
When she was finally convinced that their was nothing else left in her stomach to puke, she stayed sprawled across the bathroom floor, too ashamed to lift her face from the bowl to look at him and see that aggravating smirk that she knew was plastered on his smug face.
After a minute or so of silence, she felt someone drape a towel across arm and heard the clink of a glass being settled on the floor beside her. She quickly brought the towel to her mouth and wiped away the remaining chucks of vomit and just as quickly downed the glass of water to soothe the horrible burning in her throat. Only then, once she began to feel semi like herself again, did she gather enough courage to look him in the eye, preparing herself for the compulsory rude comment but now armed with enough brain stability to counter it.
To her surprise though, neither accompanied Seifer's voice or expression when she looked at him. Shockingly, his face held nothing more or less than genuine concern. And the only words to leave his mouth were a soft and compassionate "are you okay?" This she hadn't prepared for, so she simply gaped at him for a few moments, trying desperately to sort out her thoughts and discover the sadistic, selfish reason for his kindness: a word that contradicted the name 'Seifer Almasy'.
"Why?" she asked, not realizing how her question was not as self- explanatory as it was in her head.
"Ah. . .Brilliant line of questioning ms. Trepe. If there's one thing I don't miss about Balamb Garden it's how vague everyone is." He offered her his hand and she gratefully accepted it to lift her off the floor.
"Sorry." she sheepishly averted her gaze to stare at the floor tiles. "What I meant was, why are you being so nice to me?"
"Don't get too excited. I haven't suddenly grown a heart or something equally revolting." Together they had re-entered Quistis' suite and with her newfound balance, she now easily walked to and sat in one of the overstuffed chairs in the living area. Once comfortable, she gave her attention back to Seifer, her gaze urging him to continue. "This is just a job. Extra hired help from Trabia Garden to chaperon this prestigious event. Not as glamorous as sorceress' knight mind you but I'm slowly getting there. Who knows? Maybe someday I can get enough of a steel rod stuck up my ass to be commander."
Quistis laughed at this, the first time she truly laughed since.she couldn't even remember how long it had been. It felt good.
"Well, if you're feeling better ms. Trepe then I should be going. All I need now is for my team leader to notice that I spent an extended amount of time in the dorm room of one of our female clients. Then I'd be in for it." Without waiting for any kind of reaction from her, Seifer quickly turned and headed towards the door with a speed in his strides that suggested urgency in his departure. His discomfort around her was obvious, and his explanation as to why he helped her was more than a little obscure.
He was hired by Trabia Garden? But he was a world-renowned traitor! Last she heard of him, he was still in line to be put on trial for war crimes. It just didn't make sense. And if he were in fact here with some horrible ulterior motive, any destruction he caused would be on her shoulders for she could have stopped him. If he had indeed been picked up by Trabia, which is unlikely, she was certain the Balamb executives would have been the first to hear about it. She had to stall him, if only to check his credentials.
"Wait!" she blurted out desperately when he had almost finished closing the door behind him. He paused, and then carefully poked his head in through the gap.
"As much as I'd like to stay the night ms. Trepe, I fear that if I did you wouldn't let me leave."
Quistis rolled her eyes at this. Typical Seifer, always taking EVERYTHING the wrong way. "I'm not THAT drunk Mr. Almasy and I'm happy to say that I don't think I ever will be."
"In that case, goodnight instructor!" he began to close the door again.
"WAIT!"
She heard a frustrated sigh from the hallway, and once again Seifer came into the room. "You better have something REALLY good to offer me, cause if I'm not back at my post in 2 minutes, I'm in deep. . ."
"I just." she looked around her apartment for something, ANYTHING that would inspire her to think up a brilliant excuse for him staying. She could play the 'helpless, lonely female' card, but from experience with Squall, that wouldn't work on Almasy. She could ask him to fix something. That would work, its not like he knew she was top of her mechanics class and was usually the one OTHER people called to repair their VCRs. That would work. . .
"You don't believe me do you?" Then again, she could always just stay silent like a paranoid freak that is looking for an excuse until the truth reveals itself which, un-intentionally, was exactly what happened.
With a sigh, she gave up and went for a more direct approach to her questioning. "You can't blame me Seifer can you? I mean, your being here is more than a little suspicious."
"I should just close this door and march straight back to where I'm supposed to be, but for some strange reason, I care about what you think." He entered the room again and fished out some sort of laminated I.D from the breast pocket of his jacket.
Straightening himself up and giving her a stiff SeeD salute, Seifer passed her the card. "Seifer Almasy, Trabian cadet, student number 543297. SIR!"
Quistis grabbed the identification out of his hand in one swift movement, shaking her head at his impersonation of a typical SeeD formal introduction. She was surprised he even remembered that, since he had never bothered to once practice the boring military formalities that every student applying for SeeD had to perfect. . .at least he didn't while he had been in her class.
The ID looked real enough. His picture, his REAL name, his birthday, his physical description, his student number, it was all there stamped with the official Trabian seal. If it was a fake, it was a damn good one.
"I requested that my name not be spread in warning to all Gardens while I trained. If I'm going to become a rank 'A' SeeD someday then I can't very well accomplish that with Balamb guards breathing down my neck in case I 'go crazy' again."
"I still don't get it though." She handed him back the I.D. and looked sternly into his eyes, her old teacher instincts looking for fear or treachery. "You were to be tried for several cases of murder. You should have been executed! Not given a offer to become a candidate for SeeD!"
"Good to know you were rooting for me."
"Be reasonable Seifer. I'm not that stupid. This is either one big set up or our justice system is incredibly fucked up."
"Would you believe me if I told you that I had to sleep with half the jury and the Trabian headmaster?"
She raised an eyebrow in disgust. "No." After all the Trabian headmaster was a married man, but then again you never know with some people.
"Then you'd be right, the Trabian headmaster is a MAN after all." His usual smirk was back in place as he pocketed his I.D. and took a deep breath. "Believe it or not, my trial was one of the first to go on, after all I was the worst of everyone in that jail of war criminals."
"I'm glad you're proud that you're responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people, many of whom were fellow SeeDs. . .and friends." Seifer's smirk immediately disappeared after that, and this time it was his turn to stare at the carpet in absolute shame. Serves him right.
"You probably won't believe me, but I never meant to kill anyone."
"HA!"
Knowing that he was running out of time and it would take several hours to convince her otherwise, he simply continued with his story. "My lawyer was surprisingly good, not good enough to ensure my freedom but enough so that I'm here now and not in some pit rotting."
"That's too bad"
"Moving on without further interruptions if you please," he glared at Quistis, and with a soft scowl she turned away, promising her silence. "I was to be put under the surveillance of any Garden for the rest of my life though, a kind of supervised community service. Galbadia being a place full of un-appealing memories and everyone in Balamb wishing me dead, Trabia seemed like the best option. It was newly restored and very few people knew who I was. . ."
"Or that you were the one who ordered the missile attack that forced them to rebuild in the first place."
Seifer sighed exasperatedly "You know I should be heading back now anyway. Nice exchanging insults with you. Hope we can do it again next time!"
Already being close to the door, he yanked it open and began to walk out, but Quistis ran and grabbed his arm before he took one step over the threshold.
"Can you honestly blame me for being a little testy that after all the suffering you caused us, caused ME, all you have to show for it is the exact life you lead before. As if nothing happened! Is there no justice?!"
He forcefully wrenched his arm from her grasp and spun around, his features contorted in anger and pain. "Don't you DARE think for a second that you have any idea of what I had to go through to get where I am today! You can't even imagine what they did to me there. . .what they said." He winced at this, as if the very thought caused him physical pain, and for a moment he had an aura of insanity. His eyes squeezed shut and his fists clenched so tightly that they drew blood. Quistis knew then that she had gone too far. "You think I haven't paid my debt to society yet? Well neither do I. Even after all the torture, all the pain, the insults and constant reminders that I don't deserve to live, I move on. The sole purpose of my existence is redemption and to somehow make it up to you, to HIM! But it looks like I'll never be deemed good enough."
He turned to go again, this time with no intention of coming back no matter what she cried out or how tightly she griped. But there was no need to fend her off, for as he ran down the corridor, she let him go without so much as a whisper, now certain that his presence here was innocent. Seifer was a very proud man, too proud for his own good, which resulted in his repeated failure of the SeeD exam. And this public breakdown, in front of his ex- instructor no less, was proof enough.
Steeping back into the safety of her apartment, Quistis closed the door behind her and locked it tightly. Her head was starting to clear up, too much in fact and the memories of her horrible discussion with Squall came racing back, making her heart clench in pain and the familiar lump to form in her throat.
That was two now. She had ruined whatever relationship she had had with two of her 'best' students both in the span of one hour. She was on a roll. Maybe she could do something to permanently damage her friendship with Zell and Irvine before the night was out.
Unable to just sit and think about how messed up her life was, Quistis stood up and practically ran to the pantry, yanking open the door with a desperate fury. She quickly began shuffling through it, knocking down boxes of various cereals and crackers without a second thought as they fell and spilled at her feet.
*Squall hates me*
*Rinoa, a girl who did nothing but be nice to me, is now my enemy*
*And Seifer. . .Though I haven't spoken to him for years, I have now broken him from whatever progress he had made in his life*
*I'm a mess up. I've been acting horrible towards those few people who went out of their way to befriend me. Though I don't know why anyone would bother.*
The tears had already traveled halfway down her cheek by the time she found the bottle buried way back in the cupboard behind two innocent, industrial size bags of flour and sugar. With newfound strength and determination, Quistis desperately yanked off the cap and took a large greedy gulp of the amber liquid, basking in joy as the burning in her throat took her mind off her problems. She repeated this a few more times, drowning out the pain the only way she knew how.
A few minutes later, life was good again.
~*~
He stood on wreak of a balcony that had once been called 'the secret area' where student couples used to risk the wrath of a wandering faculty member in order to experience the teenage thrill of sneaking out and meeting a loved one, or simply an attractive one. Squall didn't know why they ever bothered to call it 'secret', since most of the faculty members had once been students themselves and therefore they knew all the hideouts, tricks and excuses on a personal level. The training center veranda was no more 'secret' than the cafeteria.
Then again, since becoming Commander, Squall had learnt a lot more about the administration of Garden then he had ever bothered to guess. When listening to the bragging of several fellow classmates years earlier of how they climbed out windows and snuck past security for a night on the town, he had always found it a little too easy to get away with. Only when he proposed to Cid a way of strictly enforcing the curfew rules at Garden did he learn the truth.
Cid actually WANTED the students to sneak out. He WANTED them to run away, get wasted and have premarital, pointless sex because apparently that was what being young was all about.
'Living Life' Cid called it.
Squall had a more colorful term: 'Juvenile Idiocy'.
But who was he to argue with the headmaster? And, believe it or not, even Dr. Kadowaki believed he had a point. All students needed a break from military life every once in a while, she insisted. If not they would, apparently, surely go insane.
*Not me* though Squall *I never succumbed to any stupid non-existent desires to make an exhibition of myself and I turned out fine.* He pondered that for a while, and laughed at his own contradiction *I'm more messed up than the rest of them put together*
This was a fact, not any lame attempt at self-pity.
He couldn't help but wonder how different his childhood could have been if he had known all this. Garden was his home. It was precious to him. And thus why he had always been so anally responsible and respectful of the rules. If he dared step one toe out of line, he may be kicked out, he may not study hard enough and flunk the written exam, if he spent more than an hour doing something considered universally 'fun' then he may miss training, weaken and fall behind.
That was how Squall Leonhart became the best of the best. . .Not because he was especially brave and strong but by being the most paranoid son-of-a- bitch Garden ever had.
He sighed and closed his eyes, letting the chilling wind push harshly against his face, the breeze playing with his chestnut hair, whipping it across his skin. At that moment, for a few precious seconds, standing there alone, he was at peace.
But of course, that peace could not last. The sound of the rusty door creaking open shattered the soothing silence and brought Squall crashing down to Earth and all the misery it held for him.
"This area is closed off for repairs," he told his silent partner, not bothering the turn around and face whatever giggly couple had dared disturb his concentration time. This happened often actually. Since Garden's sudden departure from its foundations almost 2 years ago, this hidden balcony had suffered greatly and unlike other, more important areas of Garden, Squall hadn't bothered requesting to spend hard-earned gil on rebuilding a pointless small corner that's only use was to break the rules. Especially, since the downfall of Norg (the source of Garden's apparent in-exhaustible supply of funding) gil was being carefully handled nowadays.
But some students didn't seem to care that half the flooring was nothing but crumbling rock and the railing, the only thing keeping them from tumbling two stories to their gruesome deaths, was nothing but a thin, twisted piece of jagged metal. For the student's safety, the secret area was permanently OFF-LIMITS. But some STILL insisted on risking their lives to make out here, for lack of anything else to do or anywhere else to satisfy their lust.
Usually, one warning, or even a simple glance of their commander, was enough to make the suicidal lovers depart with much haste. But today, whoever stood behind Squall now, seemed to have a different sort of death wish.
If there was one day some rebellious student wished to confront the commander, today was the worst one they could have picked.
"Did you hear me?" he cocked his head to the side, acknowledging the person's presence but not the individual themselves. "I could kick you out of Garden right now for even setting a foot out here. It's dangerous."
"If it's so perilous then why are you here commander?" Squall cringed at the voice and quickly glanced over his shoulder once to confirm his identity before returning his gaze to the shimmering sea beyond the Balamb fields.
"Go away Laguna." He said faintly, loud enough to be heard over the wind, but soft enough to show tense emotion, which he hoped would be enough to persuade his father to leave him in peace. If there was one time that he really couldn't (not just wouldn't) deal with him, it was now.
But, being Laguna and thus completely dense, he didn't take the hint and walked right up beside him, leaning on the one area of the railing that was still relatively smooth. "Those things will kill ya you know?" he pointed to the half finished cigarette in Squall's hand, of which he took one last deep inhale and then tossed it to the wind, watching the fragments of ash, smoke and embers dance with each other. This enabled him to completely ignore Laguna, who persisted anyway. "I didn't know you smoked."
*HA! That's to be expected when you abandon a child at birth, you tend not to know them.*
"There's a lot you don't know about me." He cringed after speaking, not because he cared about hurting his father in any way, but because his talking was just inviting the conversation that he had spent the last 2 minutes successfully avoiding.
"That doesn't change the fact that it's unhealthy." Squall looked upwards and sighed, pulled another cigarette out of his pack and placed it between his lips. Not because he wanted another. Hell, nothing was alluring to him about smoking except for it being something to distract him from thinking too much. But now that he knew Laguna thought it was bad, it had suddenly became that much more appealing.
"I bet Rinoa doesn't find you giving yourself lung cancer all that tantalizing."
*If he's going to force incoherent babble on me until I say something, I may as well get it over with*
"If you must know, Rinoa has no idea. It's not a habit as much as it is a pastime of sorts. Picked it up from being forced into weeklong training expedition in my 11th year with a class full of hormonal 15-year-old girls. Seems like this was the perfect way to keep people as far away from me as possible." He chanced a glance at Laguna before striking a match along the cement wall beside him, and using the flame to light his cigarette. "Apparently it seems to have stopped working." He took a deep breath of the putrid smoke then blew it into the wind, pretending not to notice how it shifted into Laguna's eyes which started to water as he tried desperately not to cough and look like a 'sissy' in front of his son.
*Too late* though Squall, trying to hide the smirk on his lips *I already know you're an idiot. No use hiding it* Laguna finally gave in an let out a small gasp which he tried to disguise as clearing his throat, but by then Squall had produced another cloud of suffocating air and he was forced to take a couple of steps back, waving his hands into the air in front of him as if he were swatting flies.
*Still got it* he smiled and admired his cigarette as if it was his new best friend. But Laguna was as persistent as ever.
"So why do you come out here anyway? It's so cold, dark, and, may I add, dangerous. Anyone in their right mind would stay very far away."
"Thus the basis of its appeal."
"Ah right. . . A good place to be alone since no one's allowed to come here anymore."
And yet, he found him here. "I guess not."
Squall, feeling his throat start to burn irritably, quickly threw his cigarette over the edge and then turned to Laguna, staring long and hard at the man who genetics forced him to call father. They gazed at each other for a couple of minutes, simply taking it all in in silence, the way Squall liked their conversations. If someone had walked into the secret area right then, they would have thought that their commander had acquired an evil twin. Standing there, nose-to-nose, same height, same build and the only difference being their hair and eye color, one could swear that a mirror was simply placed in between them.
It was Laguna of course, not accustomed to spending such long periods of time having to keep his mouth shut, who was the first to break their serene silence.
"You have her eyes," he said sincerely, a comment that took Squall completely off-guard.
Her eyes.
Raine's eyes of course.
He had suppressed any curiosity he had about his mother for months now. The questions that had been burning in his mind since he discovered that every child had to have REAL parents, we're suddenly surfacing. And here he had the chance to get it all out, to finally satisfy his burning curiosity. The moment was perfect.
He opened his mouth to form the words of his first question in a long list, but his thoughts were too scrambled, too complicated to be put into words.
*What was she like?*
*Did you really love her?*
*Why did you leave us?*
*What did she look like?*
*How did she die?*
He wanted to know. He wanted to get this damn grudge against Laguna sufficient clause so that he could hate him with reason. But there were other things to do tonight.
Other, more important things to be tended too.
As if on cue, his digital wristwatch beeped. He tore his eyes away from his father long enough to check the time.
*5:00. . .45 minutes till sunrise*
45 minutes to decide between love and duty. . . And if love prevails, so little time left to figure out how to get away with it.
He had to leave. His so-called 'thinking' time had led to nothing but 2 wasted hours of avoiding the subject completely. And now his decision seemed more pressurized than ever.
"What is it?" he heard Laguna ask in complete wonder. But Squall was already making his way to the door, running as fast as he could toward the exit, grabbing his gunblade from the threshold as he passed.
He could hear his father calling after him, but he had no time to consider the hurt feelings of a man he had only spoken too for a total of 1 hour and 15 minutes in his entire life. Rinoa was more family than he ever would be.
But, like Laguna, could he sacrifice his family for the 'greater good'?
As Squall ran through the training center, carefully dodging any know places to be attacked, he prayed to Hyne that the popular catch phrase 'like father like son' did not apply to him.
~*~
**AUTHOR'S NOTES** I just realized something. From Friday to Monday I'm going to Toronto for a Canadian Music Festival. You know what that means? 12 hours sitting on a bus with nothing better to do than write! If I'm lucky I'll get prolly TWO chapters done for Tuesday. YEY! Sorry if this one was boring. What's really strange is the fact that according to my original outline of this story, it should have been finished by chapter 15. . .but nooo. Lots more strange and devious plot twist too come! Starting with next chapter (hopefully out by Tuesday when I get back). Remember that I incorporate suggestions from reviews into my story. So, please review!
I'd like to thank Eric Trinh (steelknuckle@hotmail.com) for giving me some of the idea in this chapter. I was going to leave Laguna out of the story for a while but he convinced me to add him in for a bit more, adding necessary drama and reason for Squall's conflict of emotions. So, thank you.
Mary: Thanks for being a Quistis hater. I got some pain for making her such a mess up.
I'd also thank Vick330, as usual. He actually wrote a bit of the beginning in the scene between Quistis and Seifer and, for helping me start off which is the hardest thing to do, thanks.
~*Chapter 13*~
Like Father, Like Son
*Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.* -Dale Carnegie
As Seifer forcefully made her step inside her dorm, Quistis fought to regain some self-control, which was made difficult by her condition and the shock of what was happening to her. Her training took over, and she decided to humor him until she could strike back, or at least find a way to escape. She found it ironic how she had wished to cease to exist, mere minutes ago, and now that she faced possible annihilation, her survivals instincts proved the stronger.
"Well, Seifer," she challenged her captor, but keeping her eyes downcast as to not provoke him, "If it is revenge you want, come and take it, I don't care. I have nothing to lose anymore...'
He gave a derisive chuckle, but remained a few steps away from her. It was in a voice devoid of mockery that he spoke next, his words painful to the woman facing him.
"Yes Instructor, I can see that after the spectacle you made of yourself." He paused and looked her up and down with a smirk that made her desperately want to cover herself in her most revealing dress. But she wouldn't dare show him how uncomfortable he made her feel. That would be a sign of weakness. "I can't believe that with all you have going for you, and you're willing to sacrifice it all on a girly crush."
"Girly crush? How dare you!" She exploded, the tension finding an outlet in anger, "Do your worst, lap-dog, but spare me your lectures!"
An uncomfortable silence hung between them after that exchange, Quistis realized that insulting him wasn't the wisest of tactics, due to present circumstances.
"Even if I wanted revenge, which I don't, not anymore," He said in a controlled tone, "You are already punishing yourself enough, and maybe now you understand what brought on my own demise."
"Huh?" Quistis's brain was slowly dispersing the fogs of drunkenness, and in a moment of clarity she grasped the meaning of his words. They were alike, in their own strange and completely different ways. He had reached for the crazy, yet not impossible, notion of becoming the sorceress' knight. And she, in turn, reached for something equally, if not more, out of reach. "We both longed for something unattainable," she whispered, her eyes fixed on the carpet "for a dream that could only destroy us..."
"More like a nightmare, Quistis," he replied, taking a step towards her and placing his powerful hand on her shoulder, "It is time to wake up now."
His touch was gentle and the cold leather of his uniform gloves soothed her searing skin, which was damp with perspiration. He said he didn't want revenge, and for some strange, unknown reason, she believed him. But that only begged the question:
"Why are you here then? . ." Her fear quickly dissolved into curiosity. If she were her usual self, upon getting the first glimpse of Seifer she would have immediately informed security and demanded a plausible explanation for his presence in Balamb. But now she couldn't help but feel a little giddy at his sudden appearance since she was certain no harm would come to her. "This seems like an awful lot of trouble for you to go through if only to talk to me."
Seifer laughed sarcastically at this and removed his hand from her shoulder while taking a careful step backwards. "Get over yourself instructor." He said stiffly "Believe it or not, the whole universe does not revolve around you."
Quistis prepared for a witty comeback but another wave of nausea suddenly surfaced through her already churning stomach and she was forced to sit down on the floor, her head swimming so badly that the very thought of navigating herself the nearest chair seemed impossible.
"Hmm. . . Now this is where I'm torn." She heard Seifer say somewhere within the twisting image of her living room before her. "I could either leave you here alone in your drunken misery and get back to work, which by all means is the better option, or I could stay here and hold your hair back when you inevitably become horribly sick."
The only response he got was a chain of dry heaving and gagging as his ex- instructor desperately tried to both answer him with some antagonizing comment and prevent herself from throwing up on his nicely polished shoes.
With a sigh and a murmured "your lucky your beautiful", Seifer quickly grabbed Quistis by the shoulders and hastily led her to her bathroom just in time for her to grab the toilet bowl and throw up in it. As promised, he held her hair back for her as she heaved, occasionally rubbing her back in what she supposed he thought was a comforting action. But all his company did was remind her of how stupid and idiotic all her actions tonight were.
When she was finally convinced that their was nothing else left in her stomach to puke, she stayed sprawled across the bathroom floor, too ashamed to lift her face from the bowl to look at him and see that aggravating smirk that she knew was plastered on his smug face.
After a minute or so of silence, she felt someone drape a towel across arm and heard the clink of a glass being settled on the floor beside her. She quickly brought the towel to her mouth and wiped away the remaining chucks of vomit and just as quickly downed the glass of water to soothe the horrible burning in her throat. Only then, once she began to feel semi like herself again, did she gather enough courage to look him in the eye, preparing herself for the compulsory rude comment but now armed with enough brain stability to counter it.
To her surprise though, neither accompanied Seifer's voice or expression when she looked at him. Shockingly, his face held nothing more or less than genuine concern. And the only words to leave his mouth were a soft and compassionate "are you okay?" This she hadn't prepared for, so she simply gaped at him for a few moments, trying desperately to sort out her thoughts and discover the sadistic, selfish reason for his kindness: a word that contradicted the name 'Seifer Almasy'.
"Why?" she asked, not realizing how her question was not as self- explanatory as it was in her head.
"Ah. . .Brilliant line of questioning ms. Trepe. If there's one thing I don't miss about Balamb Garden it's how vague everyone is." He offered her his hand and she gratefully accepted it to lift her off the floor.
"Sorry." she sheepishly averted her gaze to stare at the floor tiles. "What I meant was, why are you being so nice to me?"
"Don't get too excited. I haven't suddenly grown a heart or something equally revolting." Together they had re-entered Quistis' suite and with her newfound balance, she now easily walked to and sat in one of the overstuffed chairs in the living area. Once comfortable, she gave her attention back to Seifer, her gaze urging him to continue. "This is just a job. Extra hired help from Trabia Garden to chaperon this prestigious event. Not as glamorous as sorceress' knight mind you but I'm slowly getting there. Who knows? Maybe someday I can get enough of a steel rod stuck up my ass to be commander."
Quistis laughed at this, the first time she truly laughed since.she couldn't even remember how long it had been. It felt good.
"Well, if you're feeling better ms. Trepe then I should be going. All I need now is for my team leader to notice that I spent an extended amount of time in the dorm room of one of our female clients. Then I'd be in for it." Without waiting for any kind of reaction from her, Seifer quickly turned and headed towards the door with a speed in his strides that suggested urgency in his departure. His discomfort around her was obvious, and his explanation as to why he helped her was more than a little obscure.
He was hired by Trabia Garden? But he was a world-renowned traitor! Last she heard of him, he was still in line to be put on trial for war crimes. It just didn't make sense. And if he were in fact here with some horrible ulterior motive, any destruction he caused would be on her shoulders for she could have stopped him. If he had indeed been picked up by Trabia, which is unlikely, she was certain the Balamb executives would have been the first to hear about it. She had to stall him, if only to check his credentials.
"Wait!" she blurted out desperately when he had almost finished closing the door behind him. He paused, and then carefully poked his head in through the gap.
"As much as I'd like to stay the night ms. Trepe, I fear that if I did you wouldn't let me leave."
Quistis rolled her eyes at this. Typical Seifer, always taking EVERYTHING the wrong way. "I'm not THAT drunk Mr. Almasy and I'm happy to say that I don't think I ever will be."
"In that case, goodnight instructor!" he began to close the door again.
"WAIT!"
She heard a frustrated sigh from the hallway, and once again Seifer came into the room. "You better have something REALLY good to offer me, cause if I'm not back at my post in 2 minutes, I'm in deep. . ."
"I just." she looked around her apartment for something, ANYTHING that would inspire her to think up a brilliant excuse for him staying. She could play the 'helpless, lonely female' card, but from experience with Squall, that wouldn't work on Almasy. She could ask him to fix something. That would work, its not like he knew she was top of her mechanics class and was usually the one OTHER people called to repair their VCRs. That would work. . .
"You don't believe me do you?" Then again, she could always just stay silent like a paranoid freak that is looking for an excuse until the truth reveals itself which, un-intentionally, was exactly what happened.
With a sigh, she gave up and went for a more direct approach to her questioning. "You can't blame me Seifer can you? I mean, your being here is more than a little suspicious."
"I should just close this door and march straight back to where I'm supposed to be, but for some strange reason, I care about what you think." He entered the room again and fished out some sort of laminated I.D from the breast pocket of his jacket.
Straightening himself up and giving her a stiff SeeD salute, Seifer passed her the card. "Seifer Almasy, Trabian cadet, student number 543297. SIR!"
Quistis grabbed the identification out of his hand in one swift movement, shaking her head at his impersonation of a typical SeeD formal introduction. She was surprised he even remembered that, since he had never bothered to once practice the boring military formalities that every student applying for SeeD had to perfect. . .at least he didn't while he had been in her class.
The ID looked real enough. His picture, his REAL name, his birthday, his physical description, his student number, it was all there stamped with the official Trabian seal. If it was a fake, it was a damn good one.
"I requested that my name not be spread in warning to all Gardens while I trained. If I'm going to become a rank 'A' SeeD someday then I can't very well accomplish that with Balamb guards breathing down my neck in case I 'go crazy' again."
"I still don't get it though." She handed him back the I.D. and looked sternly into his eyes, her old teacher instincts looking for fear or treachery. "You were to be tried for several cases of murder. You should have been executed! Not given a offer to become a candidate for SeeD!"
"Good to know you were rooting for me."
"Be reasonable Seifer. I'm not that stupid. This is either one big set up or our justice system is incredibly fucked up."
"Would you believe me if I told you that I had to sleep with half the jury and the Trabian headmaster?"
She raised an eyebrow in disgust. "No." After all the Trabian headmaster was a married man, but then again you never know with some people.
"Then you'd be right, the Trabian headmaster is a MAN after all." His usual smirk was back in place as he pocketed his I.D. and took a deep breath. "Believe it or not, my trial was one of the first to go on, after all I was the worst of everyone in that jail of war criminals."
"I'm glad you're proud that you're responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people, many of whom were fellow SeeDs. . .and friends." Seifer's smirk immediately disappeared after that, and this time it was his turn to stare at the carpet in absolute shame. Serves him right.
"You probably won't believe me, but I never meant to kill anyone."
"HA!"
Knowing that he was running out of time and it would take several hours to convince her otherwise, he simply continued with his story. "My lawyer was surprisingly good, not good enough to ensure my freedom but enough so that I'm here now and not in some pit rotting."
"That's too bad"
"Moving on without further interruptions if you please," he glared at Quistis, and with a soft scowl she turned away, promising her silence. "I was to be put under the surveillance of any Garden for the rest of my life though, a kind of supervised community service. Galbadia being a place full of un-appealing memories and everyone in Balamb wishing me dead, Trabia seemed like the best option. It was newly restored and very few people knew who I was. . ."
"Or that you were the one who ordered the missile attack that forced them to rebuild in the first place."
Seifer sighed exasperatedly "You know I should be heading back now anyway. Nice exchanging insults with you. Hope we can do it again next time!"
Already being close to the door, he yanked it open and began to walk out, but Quistis ran and grabbed his arm before he took one step over the threshold.
"Can you honestly blame me for being a little testy that after all the suffering you caused us, caused ME, all you have to show for it is the exact life you lead before. As if nothing happened! Is there no justice?!"
He forcefully wrenched his arm from her grasp and spun around, his features contorted in anger and pain. "Don't you DARE think for a second that you have any idea of what I had to go through to get where I am today! You can't even imagine what they did to me there. . .what they said." He winced at this, as if the very thought caused him physical pain, and for a moment he had an aura of insanity. His eyes squeezed shut and his fists clenched so tightly that they drew blood. Quistis knew then that she had gone too far. "You think I haven't paid my debt to society yet? Well neither do I. Even after all the torture, all the pain, the insults and constant reminders that I don't deserve to live, I move on. The sole purpose of my existence is redemption and to somehow make it up to you, to HIM! But it looks like I'll never be deemed good enough."
He turned to go again, this time with no intention of coming back no matter what she cried out or how tightly she griped. But there was no need to fend her off, for as he ran down the corridor, she let him go without so much as a whisper, now certain that his presence here was innocent. Seifer was a very proud man, too proud for his own good, which resulted in his repeated failure of the SeeD exam. And this public breakdown, in front of his ex- instructor no less, was proof enough.
Steeping back into the safety of her apartment, Quistis closed the door behind her and locked it tightly. Her head was starting to clear up, too much in fact and the memories of her horrible discussion with Squall came racing back, making her heart clench in pain and the familiar lump to form in her throat.
That was two now. She had ruined whatever relationship she had had with two of her 'best' students both in the span of one hour. She was on a roll. Maybe she could do something to permanently damage her friendship with Zell and Irvine before the night was out.
Unable to just sit and think about how messed up her life was, Quistis stood up and practically ran to the pantry, yanking open the door with a desperate fury. She quickly began shuffling through it, knocking down boxes of various cereals and crackers without a second thought as they fell and spilled at her feet.
*Squall hates me*
*Rinoa, a girl who did nothing but be nice to me, is now my enemy*
*And Seifer. . .Though I haven't spoken to him for years, I have now broken him from whatever progress he had made in his life*
*I'm a mess up. I've been acting horrible towards those few people who went out of their way to befriend me. Though I don't know why anyone would bother.*
The tears had already traveled halfway down her cheek by the time she found the bottle buried way back in the cupboard behind two innocent, industrial size bags of flour and sugar. With newfound strength and determination, Quistis desperately yanked off the cap and took a large greedy gulp of the amber liquid, basking in joy as the burning in her throat took her mind off her problems. She repeated this a few more times, drowning out the pain the only way she knew how.
A few minutes later, life was good again.
~*~
He stood on wreak of a balcony that had once been called 'the secret area' where student couples used to risk the wrath of a wandering faculty member in order to experience the teenage thrill of sneaking out and meeting a loved one, or simply an attractive one. Squall didn't know why they ever bothered to call it 'secret', since most of the faculty members had once been students themselves and therefore they knew all the hideouts, tricks and excuses on a personal level. The training center veranda was no more 'secret' than the cafeteria.
Then again, since becoming Commander, Squall had learnt a lot more about the administration of Garden then he had ever bothered to guess. When listening to the bragging of several fellow classmates years earlier of how they climbed out windows and snuck past security for a night on the town, he had always found it a little too easy to get away with. Only when he proposed to Cid a way of strictly enforcing the curfew rules at Garden did he learn the truth.
Cid actually WANTED the students to sneak out. He WANTED them to run away, get wasted and have premarital, pointless sex because apparently that was what being young was all about.
'Living Life' Cid called it.
Squall had a more colorful term: 'Juvenile Idiocy'.
But who was he to argue with the headmaster? And, believe it or not, even Dr. Kadowaki believed he had a point. All students needed a break from military life every once in a while, she insisted. If not they would, apparently, surely go insane.
*Not me* though Squall *I never succumbed to any stupid non-existent desires to make an exhibition of myself and I turned out fine.* He pondered that for a while, and laughed at his own contradiction *I'm more messed up than the rest of them put together*
This was a fact, not any lame attempt at self-pity.
He couldn't help but wonder how different his childhood could have been if he had known all this. Garden was his home. It was precious to him. And thus why he had always been so anally responsible and respectful of the rules. If he dared step one toe out of line, he may be kicked out, he may not study hard enough and flunk the written exam, if he spent more than an hour doing something considered universally 'fun' then he may miss training, weaken and fall behind.
That was how Squall Leonhart became the best of the best. . .Not because he was especially brave and strong but by being the most paranoid son-of-a- bitch Garden ever had.
He sighed and closed his eyes, letting the chilling wind push harshly against his face, the breeze playing with his chestnut hair, whipping it across his skin. At that moment, for a few precious seconds, standing there alone, he was at peace.
But of course, that peace could not last. The sound of the rusty door creaking open shattered the soothing silence and brought Squall crashing down to Earth and all the misery it held for him.
"This area is closed off for repairs," he told his silent partner, not bothering the turn around and face whatever giggly couple had dared disturb his concentration time. This happened often actually. Since Garden's sudden departure from its foundations almost 2 years ago, this hidden balcony had suffered greatly and unlike other, more important areas of Garden, Squall hadn't bothered requesting to spend hard-earned gil on rebuilding a pointless small corner that's only use was to break the rules. Especially, since the downfall of Norg (the source of Garden's apparent in-exhaustible supply of funding) gil was being carefully handled nowadays.
But some students didn't seem to care that half the flooring was nothing but crumbling rock and the railing, the only thing keeping them from tumbling two stories to their gruesome deaths, was nothing but a thin, twisted piece of jagged metal. For the student's safety, the secret area was permanently OFF-LIMITS. But some STILL insisted on risking their lives to make out here, for lack of anything else to do or anywhere else to satisfy their lust.
Usually, one warning, or even a simple glance of their commander, was enough to make the suicidal lovers depart with much haste. But today, whoever stood behind Squall now, seemed to have a different sort of death wish.
If there was one day some rebellious student wished to confront the commander, today was the worst one they could have picked.
"Did you hear me?" he cocked his head to the side, acknowledging the person's presence but not the individual themselves. "I could kick you out of Garden right now for even setting a foot out here. It's dangerous."
"If it's so perilous then why are you here commander?" Squall cringed at the voice and quickly glanced over his shoulder once to confirm his identity before returning his gaze to the shimmering sea beyond the Balamb fields.
"Go away Laguna." He said faintly, loud enough to be heard over the wind, but soft enough to show tense emotion, which he hoped would be enough to persuade his father to leave him in peace. If there was one time that he really couldn't (not just wouldn't) deal with him, it was now.
But, being Laguna and thus completely dense, he didn't take the hint and walked right up beside him, leaning on the one area of the railing that was still relatively smooth. "Those things will kill ya you know?" he pointed to the half finished cigarette in Squall's hand, of which he took one last deep inhale and then tossed it to the wind, watching the fragments of ash, smoke and embers dance with each other. This enabled him to completely ignore Laguna, who persisted anyway. "I didn't know you smoked."
*HA! That's to be expected when you abandon a child at birth, you tend not to know them.*
"There's a lot you don't know about me." He cringed after speaking, not because he cared about hurting his father in any way, but because his talking was just inviting the conversation that he had spent the last 2 minutes successfully avoiding.
"That doesn't change the fact that it's unhealthy." Squall looked upwards and sighed, pulled another cigarette out of his pack and placed it between his lips. Not because he wanted another. Hell, nothing was alluring to him about smoking except for it being something to distract him from thinking too much. But now that he knew Laguna thought it was bad, it had suddenly became that much more appealing.
"I bet Rinoa doesn't find you giving yourself lung cancer all that tantalizing."
*If he's going to force incoherent babble on me until I say something, I may as well get it over with*
"If you must know, Rinoa has no idea. It's not a habit as much as it is a pastime of sorts. Picked it up from being forced into weeklong training expedition in my 11th year with a class full of hormonal 15-year-old girls. Seems like this was the perfect way to keep people as far away from me as possible." He chanced a glance at Laguna before striking a match along the cement wall beside him, and using the flame to light his cigarette. "Apparently it seems to have stopped working." He took a deep breath of the putrid smoke then blew it into the wind, pretending not to notice how it shifted into Laguna's eyes which started to water as he tried desperately not to cough and look like a 'sissy' in front of his son.
*Too late* though Squall, trying to hide the smirk on his lips *I already know you're an idiot. No use hiding it* Laguna finally gave in an let out a small gasp which he tried to disguise as clearing his throat, but by then Squall had produced another cloud of suffocating air and he was forced to take a couple of steps back, waving his hands into the air in front of him as if he were swatting flies.
*Still got it* he smiled and admired his cigarette as if it was his new best friend. But Laguna was as persistent as ever.
"So why do you come out here anyway? It's so cold, dark, and, may I add, dangerous. Anyone in their right mind would stay very far away."
"Thus the basis of its appeal."
"Ah right. . . A good place to be alone since no one's allowed to come here anymore."
And yet, he found him here. "I guess not."
Squall, feeling his throat start to burn irritably, quickly threw his cigarette over the edge and then turned to Laguna, staring long and hard at the man who genetics forced him to call father. They gazed at each other for a couple of minutes, simply taking it all in in silence, the way Squall liked their conversations. If someone had walked into the secret area right then, they would have thought that their commander had acquired an evil twin. Standing there, nose-to-nose, same height, same build and the only difference being their hair and eye color, one could swear that a mirror was simply placed in between them.
It was Laguna of course, not accustomed to spending such long periods of time having to keep his mouth shut, who was the first to break their serene silence.
"You have her eyes," he said sincerely, a comment that took Squall completely off-guard.
Her eyes.
Raine's eyes of course.
He had suppressed any curiosity he had about his mother for months now. The questions that had been burning in his mind since he discovered that every child had to have REAL parents, we're suddenly surfacing. And here he had the chance to get it all out, to finally satisfy his burning curiosity. The moment was perfect.
He opened his mouth to form the words of his first question in a long list, but his thoughts were too scrambled, too complicated to be put into words.
*What was she like?*
*Did you really love her?*
*Why did you leave us?*
*What did she look like?*
*How did she die?*
He wanted to know. He wanted to get this damn grudge against Laguna sufficient clause so that he could hate him with reason. But there were other things to do tonight.
Other, more important things to be tended too.
As if on cue, his digital wristwatch beeped. He tore his eyes away from his father long enough to check the time.
*5:00. . .45 minutes till sunrise*
45 minutes to decide between love and duty. . . And if love prevails, so little time left to figure out how to get away with it.
He had to leave. His so-called 'thinking' time had led to nothing but 2 wasted hours of avoiding the subject completely. And now his decision seemed more pressurized than ever.
"What is it?" he heard Laguna ask in complete wonder. But Squall was already making his way to the door, running as fast as he could toward the exit, grabbing his gunblade from the threshold as he passed.
He could hear his father calling after him, but he had no time to consider the hurt feelings of a man he had only spoken too for a total of 1 hour and 15 minutes in his entire life. Rinoa was more family than he ever would be.
But, like Laguna, could he sacrifice his family for the 'greater good'?
As Squall ran through the training center, carefully dodging any know places to be attacked, he prayed to Hyne that the popular catch phrase 'like father like son' did not apply to him.
~*~
**AUTHOR'S NOTES** I just realized something. From Friday to Monday I'm going to Toronto for a Canadian Music Festival. You know what that means? 12 hours sitting on a bus with nothing better to do than write! If I'm lucky I'll get prolly TWO chapters done for Tuesday. YEY! Sorry if this one was boring. What's really strange is the fact that according to my original outline of this story, it should have been finished by chapter 15. . .but nooo. Lots more strange and devious plot twist too come! Starting with next chapter (hopefully out by Tuesday when I get back). Remember that I incorporate suggestions from reviews into my story. So, please review!
I'd like to thank Eric Trinh (steelknuckle@hotmail.com) for giving me some of the idea in this chapter. I was going to leave Laguna out of the story for a while but he convinced me to add him in for a bit more, adding necessary drama and reason for Squall's conflict of emotions. So, thank you.
Mary: Thanks for being a Quistis hater. I got some pain for making her such a mess up.
I'd also thank Vick330, as usual. He actually wrote a bit of the beginning in the scene between Quistis and Seifer and, for helping me start off which is the hardest thing to do, thanks.
