Title: Bleed For Me
Author: Abby O. (abbyo3@hotmail.com)
Rating: PG-13
Category: S/V Angst
Spoilers: "The Telling"
Summary: Sydney and Vaughn struggle to deal with the events after "The Telling."
Disclaimer: These characters are ALL JJ's, not mine.
A/N: Oh noooo, not another post-Telling 'fic! LOL, I hope you all enjoy this one. I don't write many fanfics but my fingers seemed to just take me along for the ride on this one. Please let me know what you think! This will probably be a four or five parter. Much love to my beta, Kris. You rock, chica!
* * * * * * * *
And all I ever wanted
Was to feel I had a purpose
But now that's all gone...
But if you could give me
Just one love
Just one life
Just one chance to believe in mine
-- "Bleed For Me," by Saliva
* * * * * * * *
PART 1
Life has thrown me one hell of a curve ball. In fact, I think the ball must've ended up in the other team's bullpen. I'm sitting outside of Sydney's private room at the CIA's medical services, head buried in my hands and with what seems to be a mallet pounding endlessly on the back of my brain. It's been a couple of hours since we arrived in Los Angeles where she was whisked away by the doctors with their typical serious expression masking their holy-shit-she's-alive reaction and the other CIA agents who are in equal awe. Now, at 4:17 in the morning, I'm waiting motionless on the metal chairs in the hallway for nothing in particular. The doctors have already briefed me on her condition and told me that they had to run more tests.
"So far, she seems to be physically alright aside from losing a few pounds and being slightly dehydrated. However, emotionally...I would say she's been through hell and back again," the doctor told him.
Obviously she's been through an emotional wringer. I don't need a PhD to figure out that if a woman has two years of her life stolen and is left to have no recollection of it at all, and not to mention the fact that she's come home to a completely different world where her best friend is dead and her once-upon-a-time boyfriend is married, she tends to develop a little emotional instability.
They said that I'm free to see her if I so desire, so what the hell am I still doing out here? The wood-trimmed door is still staring at me, just as it had been for the past two hours. Maybe it's best if I don't see her. I'm not exactly her favorite person at the moment and if I knew her at all, she would probably give me that vicious stare that could burn a hole through my already very damaged soul. She definitely gave another meaning to "If looks could kill." I need to explain everything to her but I know I won't find the right words and nothing I say anyway will make her feel better.
'All your things are in storage because we didn't know what to do with your house.' Nope, that definitely wouldn't bring a smile to her face.
'Will moved to New York after you disappeared..." That won't do it either.
'Your father's developed a drinking habit..." Best to leave that out unless she asks…
'I got married two weeks ago.' Oh yeah. That's a winner.
I can feel the wedding band on my ring finger more than I've ever felt it before. However, this time around, that feeling of it squeezing the life out of my finger until it just decided to pop the whole thing right off seems to be a bit stronger than previous occasions. Last time I checked, it's not supposed to feel that way. You know your marriage is in trouble when...
I take a deep breath and will myself to stand up. That's honestly the most I've accomplished since I started sitting out here. I can't just leave her here without saying anything, even if I'm the last person she wants to see. And regardless of how scared I am of what she's going to say or do, I'm...even more scared of how I'm still so hopelessly in love with her.
I push the door open after knocking twice. "Syd? It's me..."
When I'm offered no response, my legs take me inside and what I see is only half what I expected to see. And devastatingly more heartbreaking. The room is dimly lit with one bedside lamp and the silence is deafening. Sydney sits unmoving on the bed, her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around them. The tears have seemingly stopped for the moment but her cheeks are angrily stained with the ones that fell before. I can feel my heart dropping to the floor for I had never in my life seen her so empty and broken.
I look away, selfishly thinking that I didn't want to see her like this anymore. "Can I come in?"
After a few noiseless moments, she answers, "You're already inside."
Smart Vaughn. "Yeah...um...I just wanted to see if you were okay." I take a few tentative steps towards her bed, putting my clammy hands in my coat pockets.
"I'm fine," she replied, her voice lifeless and cold as ice.
At that instant, all I wanted to do was apologize for everything that had happened until my voice was hoarse. I wanted to get on my knees and beg her to forgive me because I knew that she thought I had given up on her. I wanted to forget that I had a beautiful wife sitting worriedly at home because I knew that her beauty only paled in comparison to the woman sitting in front of me. And most of all, I wanted to tell her what I never got to tell her two years ago – that I love her more than anything else in the world.
"The doctors said you should get some rest before your next round of tests...I know this is really difficult, with your father still overseas...and Will not being here, but Will said he's gonna try to catch a flight in as soon as he can get away from work…" I'm rambling. Stop rambling.
For the first time since I walked in here, her cold, lifeless eyes finally meet mine and a thousand memories come flooding back to me. "Really. I'm fine. You should go home."
I shift my gaze to the floor, unable to take her empty gaze any longer. Go home? How am I supposed to just go home when the woman I've been in love with for years has just walked back into my life? The rational side of me kicked in, rather forcefully, and I knew that she needed time to process everything and to rest. Things had to be left unsaid for now because I'm certainly just as confused and perplexed about the current state of things. I have that aching feeling in which I am so impossibly clueless with what to do next. That feeling wasn't going to change for a while. "Okay," I finally comply. "I'll be by tomorrow," I nervously look at my watch, "or I guess later to check up on you.' I turn to leave.
"You shouldn't bother," she said under her breath.
My eyes fall on her weary figure alone on the bed. "Sydney – "
"Just go."
I let out a sigh and wish to whoever out there was listening that this situation could only get better. "Bye, Syd," I say quietly and close the door behind me.
* * * * * * * *
"He shoots, he scores!" Weiss shouts as he makes a shot from the three-point line. I let him make that. "C'mon, Mike, where's the D at?" he says, hands on his hips.
I shake my head, wiping the sweat from my eyes. Truth be told, my mind is the farthest thing from basketball at the moment. It's been a few weeks since Sydney's homecoming and nothing, absolutely nothing has been resolved between us. It's driving me insane and I can't do a damn thing about it because at the moment, she wants nothing to do with me.
"You're gonna have to stop letting me win eventually, you know."
"Enjoy it while you can," I quip, still distracted by my jumbled thoughts. "How's she doing, Weiss?"
"Honestly? She's doing okay...she just has a lot to get used to. It's not everyday you find your boyfriend shacked up with another woman. And married, no less."
"No kidding."
"Jack's barely been letting her out of his sight and it's making her a little insane, but she knows he means well. You know, typical father over-protectiveness."
"Yeah...well, that's good to hear."
Weiss walks over to me and lays a hand on my shoulder. "I know you're worried about her, but you can't just stand here and continue to do nothing, Vaughn. She's planning on going back to work in a week – which means you two will have to face each other one time or another."
"She's coming back to work?! It's too soon!"
"Okay, Mr.Balls of Steel, YOU tell Sydney Bristow it's too soon," he chuckled.
Dammit. He's right. She can probably drop-kick my ass into Malaysia and then into the Arctic for good measure. "That's the last thing I would tell her if I ever get the chance to even speak to her..."
"When was the last time you tried?"
"A few weeks ago...I got nothing but one word answers so I figured that it wasn't the best time to offer my pathetic attempts at an explanation," I sigh, my eyes focused on the basketball's movement.
Weiss took the basketball and continued dribbling. "Hey, Vaughn?"
"What?"
"What exactly do you plan to do about all this?"
"What do you mean?"
"You have a wife." Dribble.
"Thanks for the reminder."
"Are the smartass comments really necessary here? You know what I mean." Dribble, lay-up.
"I don't know," I admit.
"Have you told Kate about her?" Shoots.
I shake my head, "No, but she knows that something's going on."
"You know you owe her an explanation, too." Scores.
"I owe her so much more than that...I just don't know if I can give it."
* * * * * * *
"And I wonder, wonder which one of us
Is gonna state the obvious
And I wonder if you already know
That I gotta let you go
I know this ain't the way I planned it
I guess I ain't the great romantic
And I'm not doubling back now"
--"No Doubling Back," by Jason Mraz
Kate Fischer is a classy woman. She's an investment banker who experienced a picture-perfect childhood in Hagerstown, Maryland. After attending NYU, she moved to Los Angeles and she's been living here and loving every minute of it ever since. I met her at some posh bar that Weiss had insisted we go to if for nothing else, to unwind and relax after a hard day's work. A hard day's work filled with more empty leads and broken clues involving Sydney's whereabouts. I wasn't ready to give up on her or admit that she was dead; I didn't think I could ever be ready for that. However, Weiss was right...I couldn't spend my nights alone in that depressing excuse of an apartment or I would've probably slipped even further, if that was possible, into depression. So I sat at the bar, not in the mood to amuse myself by watching Weiss's crash-and-burn efforts on picking up women. A half hour or so later, a confident yet ostensibly soft-spoken woman approached me and said, "Wow. You look like crap." At least she was honest.
When I started dating Kate, I discovered that she was nothing like Sydney in most ways. She couldn't speak a billion different languages. She didn't have adorable dimples when she smiled. She didn't stay awake and watch hockey with me nor did she have an unexplainable love for zambonies. She didn't tuck her hair behind her ears. Her touch never gave me goosebumps.
Her eyes didn't sparkle the way Sydney's sparkled.
Comparing Kate Jenkins to Sydney Bristow is unfair but it's the hardest habit to break. I keep wondering if there is any way at all to resolve this current "triangle," if you will, without hurting anyone in the end. Cue the little voice inside me that says, "Do pigs fly?"
My grip on the steering wheel becomes tighter as I pull up to my place. I've barely been home lately, afraid of facing Kate even though she's completely clueless as to what was going on. I didn't want to be one of those TV husbands that came home late every night and never got to see their wives which led to the eventual infidelity question. But I was becoming one of those husbands and every inch of me was screaming to just stop and fix it, do something!
I've been over it in my head a thousand times and the sensitivity and complexity of Sydney's return seemed to magnify each time it crossed my mind. When it came right down to it, I knew that the question was simple.
Sydney or Kate?
Do I ruin a potentially great marriage with a wonderful woman who vowed to give me everything I needed? Or do I stay with my wife and attempt to bury these feelings I have for the woman who could give me not only everything I needed, but everything I wanted?
"Hi, sweetie," Kate greeted as she stood from the couch.
How the hell did I get to the door? I don't exactly remember getting out of the car... "Hi," I say, forcing a smile as she kisses me softly on the lips. That guilty feeling I felt the first time I kissed this woman is back...
"You okay? You look a little beat."
I kick my shoes off and settle on the couch, rubbing my forehead. "It's been a long day. Work's really been intense." If all that "work" involved was Sydney, then I wouldn't be completely lying.
"That seems to be the trend these days," she sighs, plopping down next to me.
God, I know that sigh. She wants me to talk to her about it. Why do women always want men to "talk about it"? Can't we just, for once, sit like a vegetable on the couch, watch television in peace, and not be questioned about "it," whatever "it" may be? I freeze and remember Weiss's words of wisdom...she needs to know. I wonder if I'm going to take up permanent residence on the couch after this.
Her blue eyes bore into mine, asking questions that I probably won't have half the answers to. "You've been far away from me lately, Michael."
Here goes nothing...
"You've barely been home and when you are, your mind is elsewhere. I want to believe you when you say that it's just work, but my gut is telling me that it's not the whole story," she said sadly.
"I'm sorry, Kate," I manage to say, holding her hand in my own. "You're right...that isn't the whole story and I think it's time for me to shed some light on things."
She lightly brushes the pad of her thumb across my hand, making her wedding band painfully visible and it's all I can do not to flinch. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it," she says.
Oh, I don't know about this one, Kate. I take a deep breath and begin. "Do you remember I told you before that I lost someone?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "You said that a close friend of yours was abducted a long time ago."
"That close friend was my girlfriend at the time and she disappeared two years ago."
Her eyes fell to the floor. "Oh...I'm so sorry, Michael..."
"She was the love of my life," I say quietly, knowing the kind of impact that these words have. "We went through so much together and for the longest time, we knew that nothing could happen between us. But when the time came, it just felt...right. Like everything in the world had magically fallen into place."
Her eyes had become glued to the carpet in front of them as she slowly pulled her hand away from my grasp. "That sounds like...something I thought we had."
I stare at the same spot on the floor and minutes pass as the silence envelopes us. "She's come back."
Her gaze whips around and lands on me. "That's wonderful news," she says, doing a horrible job masking her sadness. The cause of her sadness wasn't the fact that Sydney was back, but because she knew that this could very well be the end of our marriage.
"Yeah..." I reply softly. "I know this is hard, and I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through this but I'm just as inexperienced about how to deal with all this as you are—"
"Michael."
I look at her and I see the overwhelming gloom on her countenance as tears well up in her eyes. It pains me to see that I'm the cause of it and I wonder if I've done something in some past life that I'm being punished for.
"Do you still love her?" she asks simply.
Do I what?
"Are you still in love with her?" she asks again after receiving no answer.
"Kate..."
"Answer the question!" The tears had begun flowing freely down her cheek and she swats at them angrily. She hated it when people saw her cry.
How can I say this when I know my answer will break her heart and end my marriage? I haven't spoken to Sydney in a month and how am I to know that she'll even want me again?
Then it hits me.
Sydney Bristow is worth all this and more. She's worth the risk of losing everything and the possibility of gaining nothing from it. It's time to stop living life with a safety net and be completely honest with myself. I wouldn't be happy being married to Kate. I wouldn't be happy with anyone unless it was Sydney and that was the honest-to-God truth. Who the hell was I kidding? I've been in love with this woman since the day she walked into my office and it didn't end when she was taken and forced to walk out of my life.
"Yes."
* * * * * * * * *
End Part 1.
