Bleed
For Me – Part 2
(Story notes located in Part 1)
* * * * * * *
"Sydney, you don't have to go back so soon."
Is that, what, the fourth time he's said that in the past twenty-four hours? I love my dad. I really do. Without him, it would've been impossible to get through the first few weeks after my return. Nothing like coming back from the dead to strengthen your bond with your father. Nevertheless, his constant anxiety and hovering routine is getting a little old. I continue to put my hair up in a bun, determined to look sharp for my first day. "I can't sit around here all day, Dad...I need to get back up on my feet and having a job would definitely help."
Jack Bristow looks to the floor, knowing that arguing with me is a loss cause. "I know that this has all been really difficult for you, but I want you to know that however long it takes you to put your life back together, you'll always have a place to stay here," he says softly, looking at me by way of the bathroom mirror.
I smile and turn around to face him. I may have the most unconventional relationship with my father, but that only goes to show that he's the best in the business. "Thanks, dad." I get up on my tip toes and kiss his cheek before making my way to the living room with him following behind me.
"Sydney?"
"Yeah?"
He hesitates for a minute and I have a sinking feeling on what this is going to be about. "Have you...spoken with Vaughn?"
Vaughn. God, it hurts to even think about his name. That particular name has been pretty much unmentionable in my presence since I came back from my two year vacation. Also, the topic is certainly not one that I'd like to broach upon at the moment. "Uh, no, I haven't."
"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is going on with you two?"
I mind.
I force an unconvincing smile on my face, knowing that he's too damn perceptive to fall for that. "Absolutely nothing. He's married; it's over, end of story. Now, I'm late for work as it is and you need to start packing for your next mission." Does my voice always go up when I'm trying to change the subject?
"Bye, sweetie," my dad says, giving me a little wave and looking a little disappointed that I brushed off the Vaughn issue rather quickly. "Good luck."
I feel like it's the first day of school.
* * * * * * *
I'm not angry. Betrayed? Yes. Hurt to the point of feeling physical pain at every thought of him which tends to occur every ten seconds? Yes. But angry? No. To be honest, my goal is to effectively pull myself from his life so that he can go on living without having to worry about me. As much as it hurts, I'm not a part of his life anymore. He moved on, just as I'm sure he would've wanted me to do had things been the other way around. I'm sure he's very happy with whatever her name is, Kate, I think it was. She probably despises hockey...and watches Dr. Phil on a daily basis.
Me? Bitter? Nah.
I'm so far from the point of acceptance that it makes me want to repeatedly bang my head against a brick wall. Getting over the initial phase of denial was hard enough, but accepting the facts? That was borderline impossible. Michael Vaughn was my guardian angel some time ago and he showed me heaven. Through all the hells and monsters we faced together, seeing that adorable shy smile cross his face was enough to light up a room and my entire world. He was the first person who really got to know me and every facet of my life. To my surprise, despite it all, he didn't run.
When I came back, I expected for us to pick up where we left off. But then, newsflash, Bristow! You've been gone for two years. And your boyfriend's married. To a woman that you're going to hate regardless of how perfect she is and how good she is for him.
I had never felt so alone in my entire life. Two years is a long time. However, I can't help but listen to that small part of me that asks why he didn't keep looking...why he gave up so easily. Why he moved on so fast. Of course it wasn't fair for me to expect him to put his entire life on hold to look for me, drinking himself into a stupor at all nights of the week as Weiss had told me that he had done. I didn't want him to live like that. But of all people that I expected to hold out hope, it was him...
Before I know it, I arrive at the parking garage and pull into a space. I look at myself on the rearview mirror and I see someone who's life has changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. I see a person who's put on such an intricate façade, afraid to let people see exactly just how heartbroken and how detached I am from myself. There needs to be one thing on my mind right now and that is to begin finding out what the hell happened to me these past two years. It's time to put my compartmentalizing skills, though rusty, to good use.
I wait for the elevator to give its usual ding and open up. Once it does, I'm not prepared to see what's inside. There he is, his head leaning back against the far wall, looking as miserable as I feel. God, that suit must be new because never have I seen him look that...incredible. His eyes meet mine and he immediately straightens his posture. His mouth is open. I'm assuming that means he's trying to say something...
"Hi," I croak out.
The doors begin to close and his hand flies up to push the door open. "Hi," he says in return.
I cautiously step inside and keep myself to the corner farthest away from him. I press the floor button as the doors close. I'm suddenly feeling strangely claustrophobic.
"Um...how are you?" he asks.
"I've been doing okay," I say, giving him a small smile. "Everyone's been really great."
He nods and gazes at the floor but not before I catch the look of disappointment crossing his face. I know he feels like I've purposefully kept him out of my life and that's probably because I've tried my hardest to do so. "Good, I'm glad to hear that."
"How have you been doing?" I ask.
"I've been alright," he replies nervously.
God, things shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this difficult to carry on a conversation with him and it shouldn't cause this much pain, but it does. I don't want to look into his emerald-green eyes because I know that the instant I do, I'm going to lose myself in them all over again. And I can't put myself through the pain of pining for a married man...I just can't.
The elevator doors open and we share a guilt-stricken look before we both walk out.
"Bye," I say quickly, beginning my walk in the other direction. I see him unmoving and looking at me from the corner of my eye.
"Sydney?"
I close my eyes, let out a sigh, and slowly turn around.
"It was good seeing you, Syd."
I need to say something but my voice seems to have gotten lost on its way out of my voice box. I hate it when he does that puppy-dog look with that soft voice thing! And the worse part is, he doesn't even know he's doing it!
All I can do is give him a small smile, although filled with sadness, and walk away.
* * * * * * * *
"Vaughn."
I have a faint intuition that someone is calling my name, but I'm too busy pretending to work.
"Mike, Sydney's here."
My eyes fly up to land on Weiss's grinning face. Dammit. It's not my fault that her name is a freakin' reflex. "That's not funny."
"No, that is funny," he chuckles. He pulls up a chair and sits in front of my desk.
"Can I help you with something?" Don't get annoyed. Don't get annoyed. Eric Weiss preys on the annoyed.
"You sound a little annoyed."
"Annoyed? Me? Not one bit," I lie, forging a smile. "So what do you want?"
"Well, being the sensitive and observant best friend that I am, I have a sneaking suspicion that something's wrong—"
"Weiss, don't even st—"
"And that 'something' goes by the name of our favorite kick-ass superspy, Sydney Bristow. Am I right?"
I roll my eyes and fight the urge to crawl into a hole. "Do we have to talk about this now? And last time I checked, this is really none of your business..."
"So I am right. Vaughn, I hate to say this to you, man, but even the interns can figure you out."
Oh god. It's that bad?
"Have you talked to her yet?"
"Yeah...well...no, we had a conversation, yes."
"And?"
"I mumbled like an idiot, said probably one sentence that remotely made sense, and the only thing that was established, surprise surprise, was that she was fine." Is my frustration really that obvious?
Weiss nodded. "You went down in flames."
"Yep."
"Huge, blazing hot flames."
"Thanks for the visual. You really hit the nail on the head."
"I have a tendency of doing that."
"A skill."
"An art form, really."
"Weiss."
"Sorry."
I stare blankly at my computer screen which has been flashing that same annoying cursor in Microsoft Word for what seems like hours. The hope that this report would start typing itself is slowly fading away.
"If it's any consolation to you, she still thinks about you constantly."
"How would you know that?"
"I'm not at liberty to say."
Suddenly, my curiosity is piqued. "You talked to her about me, didn't you?"
"In the past month, she's asked me occasionally about how you were doing..."
"What else?"
"That's it! She just wanted to make sure you were okay."
I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. Go figure that despite the torture that this woman has gone through, she would still care about how I was doing when I feel like I'm her biggest betrayer. "Has she said anything about how she feels for me?"
"After the preliminary
desire to punch your face in? Nah, not really."
"Weiss, c'mon, man!"
"I feel like I'm the seventh grade." He lets out a laugh and finally settles down. "I don't know...she's really obscure when it comes to you."
"So you don't know anything?"
"Not really. But if you want me to pass her a note before French class, I'd be happy to," he grins.
Paper ball. Weiss's face.
"Ow! My god, you get defensive."
"I do it out of love."
Weiss looks over to the other side of the room and spots Kendall. I knew that man was good for something. "The Big Kahuna's here, I should get back to work."
"Good idea," I exclaim with as much energy as I can muster.
"Before I go, how's Kate doing?"
"She's moving out in a few days."
He nods as a solemn look crosses his features. "I'm really sorry, Vaughn."
I sigh. "Thanks...me too."
* * * * * * *
"Come in, Ms. Bristow."
Ah, Kendall. Still gruff. Still bald.
"What can I do for you?" he says, not even throwing a glance in my direction.
"As you probably heard, I passed my field exam which means I'm field-active again."
"That's correct, Ms. Bristow."
I walk closer to his desk, trying to convince myself that I'm not talking to a wall. "I was wondering if there was any way that you could place either Agent Weiss or Agent Dixon as my partner during my missions."
Well, that grabbed his attention. "You mean instead of Agent Vaughn?"
"Um...yes, sir. For obvious reasons."
"I see," he nods.
His forehead wrinkles have made an appearance. I suppose he wants to make an inquiry on my personal life, too.
"I think we can work something out. However, it will depend entirely on a mission's circumstances. If I need both of you on a case, I can't have either of you letting your personal grievances hinder the completion of a task. Is that clear, Ms. Bristow?"
"Crystal." Well, it wasn't a definite 'yes' but it will have to do for now. Just suck it up, Bristow. My hand is on the doorknob when his voice stops me.
"You two used to work well together."
Suddenly, a conversation I had with Vaughn in this very same building comes flooding back to me and it almost makes me want to cry. It was the first time he said that all he wanted to do was kiss me...and I felt like my knees had turned to Jell-O while my insides were busy turning into mush. I push the tears aside, unwilling to break down in front of Kendall. It was true; Vaughn and I were like clockwork. Almost always on the same page.
"We were great together."
His own words from years ago echo in my head. Those days have become nothing but a memory.
* * * * * * *
End Part 2.
