"Backup and save." Words of wisdom from Inoue Miyako.
Her advice has unlocked many doors in my life. I found not only the recon log she mentioned, but much more than I bargained for.
Do these snatches of prepubescent hubris leave more questions for me than answers? I cannot say for certain. However, I truly believe that some of my doors should have remained locked.
==
Three years ago.
Having made plans to remain in the digital world for life, Ken stalks to his new bedroom.
Inside, he shrugs, losing his severe expression. "It was a miserable setback, and thankfully only a minor one," Ken muses aloud.
The young despot downloads files from his master computer to his laptop, to work on through the night. After a bath, Ken slips on some pajamas and flops onto his bed.
** I've collected a great deal of data on that Agumon I captured. The Greymon line is extremely powerful, but very difficult to control.
** The Skullgreymon factor is an unforeseen variable-how do you manage a beast that just kills whatever it damn well pleases?
** I hate killing digimon-they make much better slaves. *
Ken is completely focused on his work, and he fails to notice a near-silent movement next to him on the bed.
Ken continues analyzing his data. Until he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders. His body stiffens.
"You can relax, Ken-koi," a voice whispers into his ear. "Fortunately, I'm not an irate digimon out for your blood."
"Then who are you?" Ken's eyes dart behind him, to see the uninvited guest.
"I...decline to tell you exactly--at the moment. I just came to see how you were progressing."
Ken snorts derisively. "You sound like one of my teachers." He turns himself around, and sees an older boy with pale blond hair.
"Do I look like a teacher?" the youth smiles.
"No."
"That's good-though I am your teacher."
"What subject?"
"Evil," smiles the youth seductively. "Being very bad."
Ken rolls his eyes. "I think I'm bad enough, thank you. I'd like to ask you a question."
"Go on."
"Just out of curiosity, how the hell did you get here?"
"Simple. I teleported. Ken, I know every meter of the digital world. And I have so much to share with you," grins the youth excitedly.
"Let's get something clear: you are not my equal. Honestly, I don't understand how you obtained the name Ken, seeing as I am either Kaizer or Master to these peons."
"I understand that you're not at my level yet, Ken-chan." The youth smiles patiently. "But that's because you're just toying with the darkness.
"The darkness has tasted you, beloved. It's like a teased lover-it wants more. The darkness wants more Ken." The youth leaps onto Ken, kissing the dark-haired child passionately.
Ken jerks his head away violently. "What are you doing?"
"Your eyes are stunning." The youth strokes Ken's hair. "You are beautiful. That's why I kissed you.
"I've always wanted to do that."
"But...I don't even know you.... and even if I did, you-you're a...boy."
"You liked it, didn't you?"
Ken does not answer, frozen to the bed.
The blond youth smiles, his unseen hands roaming through Ken's pajamas.
"Tense, aren't you?"
"That should be self-evident," scowls Ken.
"You do tend to use long phrases when you're startled. You like being in control, after all.
"The darkness wants to bring you pleasure, Ken-koi." The youth traces a stiff muscle* between Ken's thighs.
And then the youth ducks his head down.
The boy sighs. "You're going to love this."
** What is he doing...? He's...got to stop. I'm liking this too much...I want more of this? No...I-I want him to stop.... *
"Stop," Ken whimpers breathlessly. "It...hurts."
"You mean you feel really tight down here; hmm...." The youth continues the pleasant torture.
"No, I don't want this! Get away." Ken jerks back as though stung.
"Are you sure? Because I'm feeling quite frisky after what just happened," smiles the youth.
"Get out."
"I'll meet you in the control room after you're done...."
"Done...?"
"It will be difficult for you to concentrate until your swelling goes down. The pillow's good." The youth snatches a pillow. "I know I'm going to need one."
"But what do I do?"
"You do whatever makes you feel so good, it messes up your nice sheets. I would have pleased us both, but you clearly want to be left alone.
"I understand-you've never been seduced before."
"I'm eleven, you yaro!"
"I know." A soft, teasing kiss from the youth tempts Ken.
Ken wills himself to avoid response.
"You can't fight forever. The darkness wants you. I want you, damn it.
"But I think making you beg for me would be a suitable punishment."
The youth slinks away; leaving Ken alone, startled, and aroused.
* AN: Come on, it's fairly obvious...that was the best euphemism I could find, folks. Trying to stay within the TOS-especially with two underage males involved. *
- - - -
My sleep was quite uneventful. I rise with the digital sun and step down to breakfast. Which-due to my fevered rush to be freed from that colony of insects-consists of peanut butter, raisins, and cream cheese frosting on toast.
Wormmon, my useless companion, crawls over to me with that eternally sad expression on his face. Absentmindedly I toss him half of my sandwich. Maybe he'll choke on it. That would provide some mild amusement.
Now that I'm done eating, I believe I'll finish analyzing the data I was looking at before I was...distracted. I may have to actually flog Wormmon for allowing that intruder to enter my private quarters.
And it appears that Wormmon couldn't even remove him.
"I can kill your useless little friend if you wish, Ken," the boy smiles.
Wormmon attempts to glare. It's actually cute, in a pitiful way.
"That pleasure will be meted at my discretion," I smirk. "The worm isn't of consequence to be bothered with killing right now.
"At the moment, the only nuisance to be rid of is you. Leave at once."
"No."
Someone needs to learn what it means to defy me. I crack my whip near his face, yet he doesn't flinch. Instead, he beckons me to come closer.
"I'm aware that you're a control fanatic," the youth purrs, "but just this once. Amuse me; hop on my lap."
He must be joking. It's bad enough that we have the same clothing designer; now this fool wants to make cheap passes at me. I don't even understand why he's attracted to me.
Maybe this boy's really a girl? Impossible; I felt another "joystick" when he tried to jump me last night.
"Perhaps I should guess your name. Daisuke?" That was the dumbest guess I could make. He looks nothing like my goggle-brained adversary.
If the digidestined were going to send someone to seduce me, they could have at least sent the pink-haired girl in the white mini. Even the twit in the big glasses would be more fun. She is continually boy-hungry.
At any rate, none of them strike me as the type to resort to this ridiculous a subterfuge. They'd rather just fight me in futile skirmishes.
"My guess is wrong," I say to my guest at length. "Who are you?"
"A shadow of the past, a hint of the future. Your destiny," he smiles.
"Your name, stupid. I demand that you identify yourself."
"Conquest made flesh." My "destiny" hasn't heard a word I said. He's too busy enjoying the sound of his voice.
Another crack of the whip should give him a good dose of reality. I hit him this time.
It really hurt. He clutches a mark near his chin, where my whip drew blood. There's a slight wince of pain, and a gasp.
Good. Now he knows I mean business-what? He's on top of me, and he's angry.
Then he laughs, as if recalling a bitter memory. "Good, Ken; but not good enough. I got this wound years ago."
Damn. All I did was crack open an old wound.
"Leave the master alone," spews Wormmon uselessly. At least he didn't call me Ken.
"Why? He's mine to play with." I hate to admit it, but he has me pinned. Can't judo-flip him with his weight holding me to the floor.
He gazes at me strangely.
"What do you want from me?" I demand.
"Your cooperation, my stubborn beauty. We can conquer the digital world together, and have hot sex between battles."
"How in hell are two males to manage sex? We don't have the right organs, idiot." I'm glad I have on my glasses. My eyes are betraying the fact that I have no desire to find out how.
"Love finds a way." He wants to show me anyway. Wormmon, make yourself useful for once-bite him or something.
The fool jumps up as if stung. He's shaking his ass, screaming in pain.
Attached to the intruder's rear is Wormmon, who's hanging on for dear life.
Truly a Fujifilm moment. Should have taken papa's camcorder as well.
==
I laugh now at my written account. Apparently Wormmon was only able to tolerate the stupidity of one Kaizer. Two is too damn many.
Though it's still not clear who had decided to visit me after I had lost Metal Greymon. Blond hair like Yamato's, and he wore a black version of my garish blue outfit.
No...his hair was paler than Yamato's. Besides, Yamato would have been with Gabumon, and he would no more allow Wormmon to bite Yamato's ass than Wormmon would tolerate anyone pouncing on me. What made me even think of Daisuke back then-aside from his tackling me down a steep hill?
Chatter about the darkness...let's conquer the digital world together.... If that was Neo, he must not have known what delusional head case he was dealing with.
Hmmm...even then I was thinking about Miyako. Who else could get away with those giant glasses? Aside from me, of course-but she wears hers in public.
Looks like I'm coming up to some real information now....
==
"Detach yourself, larva, or you will suffer," scowls the youth.
Wormmon releases his grip on the intruder. "You'd better leave him alone."
"Not that this hasn't been amusing," smirks Ken, struggling to stave off a fit of laughter, "but I believe you have overstayed your welcome.
"It's time for you to leave my base. Sayonara."
"Before I go, then; let me show you something." The youth types a few commands into the master computer, and a map pops up.
"How enlightening," grins Ken sardonically.
"I expected this response; nevertheless, you haven't begun to conquer the digital world." After a few more keystrokes, a new map appears on the screen.
** Most of the squares on that map are clear! That icon on the group of black squares is my symbol, but a peace symbol marks a set of black squares on the center continent. *
"You're beginning to realize, Ken, just how vast an undertaking world domination truly is. The peace symbol is my territory, the central continent. The area with your icon is the eastern continent, which I will take over when you fail to retain control of it.
"Because you will fail. You will only go so far before your heart holds you back."
"My...heart?" Ken laughs bitterly. "I have a heart consumed with darkness and a desire to rule the digital world."
"Ken-chan, this isn't a child's game. If you truly want to win, you have to kill your heart. But you will never do that. You are too pure, and too kind."
"Tell that to my slaves."
"Perhaps your slaves should meet mine." A wicked smile curls the youth's lips.
Which chills Ken, though he refuses to admit it. "Interesting. You're challenging me. I shall have to pay your little territory a visit."
"I would be delighted. And I'll even leave your continent alone while you're gone. That way, you can't blame me when you lose."
The youth leaves.
- - - -
Lose? I, lose? The Digimon Kaizer does not lose, he wins despite all adversity. No force can oppose me, and that twit is no exception.
He apparently wants Wormmon dead. But why do that when you can show the slug how worthless he is compared to a real digimon? Besides, there is something to be said for companionship, even with a weakling like him. If wanting someone to gaze at the glory of my triumphs is a weakness, then I'll permit it for the time being. Wormmon is of no importance.
Why does he stare at me like that? It's not hate, rage, fear, or even pain. It's just a deep sadness or disappointment.
About what? That I won't be called Ken? Ridiculous. I am the Digimon Kaizer, ruler of all I survey. I'm hardly that dead boy weakling.
==
I must have hated myself a great deal. Wormmon, I still can't fathom why you put up with me. Zero would have tried to bite my head off.
"Ken." There's Wormmon now, giving me a similar look to that sad one three years back.
Of course, I know the truth now. I just don't like seeing him unhappy. But what am I supposed to do?
"They need you," he continues quietly.
I bury my face in my hands. I know who "they" are. The digimon in Central who think of me as some underground digital messiah.
"All I want is to spend a peaceful summer with my friends," I sigh.
Wormmon is silent. He, too, can be stubborn. Then again, he wants a piece of Zed. That fiend probably makes all of his species look bad.
"But you and the others will raise hell until I come."
The caterpillar is still silent.
"Come and do what, I ask? What can I do that Ryo and his little army can't?"
"Win."
"What?"
"Don't you think it's weird that Ryo has fought all this time, yet he hasn't defeated Neo yet?"
"Oh, that's easy. Ryo should quit deluding himself into thinking that he and that small group of digimon can fight Neo's massive network in the heart of said Saiba's territory.
"Ryo has to pull out of Central and relocate his base of operations. Central is a compromised territory, and the continued stay there only wears down the morale of his troops. You remember Takato."
Wormmon puts on another pitiful effort at a scowl. His rookie form's too cute to intimidate anyone.
"Also, he has to gain the confidence of digimon outside Central, and convince them to fight on his side. All of that has to be done while dismantling Neo's power base at the same time."
I sigh in exasperation. "The other digidestined could help in the second part, but not even Daisuke could rally outsider digimon to fight against Neo. I'm sure they've witnessed his power."
"You're their only hope."
"Takeru's the Child of Hope, last I checked. I would undermine any of Ryo's efforts to accomplish the objectives I outlined.
"Please listen. Every part of me is screaming to fight. But the best way I can help is by cheering everyone on from the sidelines."
"You don't think you can win, do you?" asks Wormmon.
"I'm not sure anyone can win. But they'll stand a much better chance without my warped past hindering them."
"You're wrong."
"Incorrect. You're letting your faith in me get in the way of reality. Sadly, this isn't a game, where I can afford to lose and make mistakes. Too many lives are at stake."
"You are making a mistake."
By staying out of the fight and helping Noriko care for the digimon, I'm making a mistake? Wormmon must have had some of papa's good sake. Then again, I have this feeling that he's right.
"I'm right; I know I'm right. Every previous mission with Ryo's been a disaster because I insisted on doing things my way instead of letting Ryo take the lead."
"Ryo has the charisma of an angry Tortomon. He and Zero take themselves too seriously."
"Wormmon," I smile, "that's where Daisuke, Miyako, and Mimi come in. They have a great deal of charm."
Wormmon sighs. Why is he so patient? If I were a digimon frustrated with my human partner, I would have digivolved and kicked his ass.
"I know," my partner continues, "but you're still needed. And I'm not letting you try to fight him on your own."
Curses. Foiled again. That was my contingency plan, but the worm knows me well.
"That would get us both killed, and it would be irresponsible for me to do so.
"Thus," I smile, "we should instead visit my grandfather in New York."
= = =
Ken uses the digiport to jump from Tamaishi to Times Square.
A man pushes past him and Wormmon, running with a purse.
= = =
Damn, New Yorkers are pushy.
"Help, thief!" screeches a woman. She looks at me. "Please. You've got to stop him. He has my purse."
The woman continues to tell me-in raw English, mind you-about various bits in the purse.
I nod okay, hand Wormmon to the woman, and chase the fool. There's no way he can outrun me.
Sure enough, the thief lowers his chances even more by looking back. He sees me, and I pray to the local god that he's unarmed.
The thief is still trying for the triathlon. He can't escape me. I'm a fast runner.
I'll be able to tackle this clown in three...two...what?
"What the hell!" I look up, and the reason why I'm in midair becomes obvious. "Stingmon, put me down! He's getting away!"
"We have to visit your grandfather," says Stingmon. "That's why we're here."
"That's not important right now-I have to catch that thief! I know I can catch him!"
"So what?"
"So what! I swear, if you don't put me down, my goal-winning soccer foot will go so far up your abdomen that you'll know my shoe size!"
"But the police will take care of it. Let's go to your grandfather's."
I'm struggling. The annoying part is that I can still see the thief running from my new aerial perspective. What a ridiculous sight-a Japanese kid held in midair by a giant humanoid grasshopper.
The police, of course, arrive to see the commotion we're causing.
"Don't worry about us!" I shout in English. "A purse snatcher went that way!"
Thankfully, the lady I was trying to help confirms what I'm saying, and the officers send their people into action.
"Can you describe him?" asks one of the officers.
"Yes," I sigh, giving a description of the thief-that I could have caught already-while hanging in midair. Thanks a lot, partner.
"Want us to take care of him?" asks another cop, training his firearm at Stingmon.
"No, he just hasn't had any dessert. We're going to visit my grandfather after this."
==
A few hours later, after helping the police capture the thief-a drug addict who needed the woman's sixty-five dollars badly-we head to grandpapa's. Thankfully, a detective in the precinct knew him-grandfather was a cop with Interpol.
"Hello, Ken. I'm surprised to see you here in the States."
"I'm full of surprises," I smile to grandpapa, knowing that I'm also full of chikuso.
"I see." My grandfather raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Who's your friend?"
Of course. Wormmon. Which crappy lie did Takeru say he and the others used when they were looking for the eighth child? Oh, yes.... I hate lying to my grandfather.
"Him? Just a cute plushie. I had him ever since I was nine."
"Never heard about him in any letters from your oyaji." Grandpapa's referring to his son, namely my father. Who writes him at least twice a week. That's how I was able to give the officers his address so they could call him.
"I did hear of a 'Wormmon', however, that matches your plush toy's description. Except for that adorably peeved look your friend has on his face, of course."
I pretend to check my Wonder Swan for email. But I actually have an email.
antman_jou: you're a terrible liar, ken
antman_jou: glad you're not in a courtroom D
Comic genius, Ichijouji Ari.
I sigh in resignation. Nothing escapes my grandfather's photographic memory. Mama sent pictures with the last letter.
"Wormmon's...angry with me about something."
"And what's that?"
I decide to change the subject. "Did you get to use your tickets to watch the Knicks?"
"Yes. Now answer my question, boy, and quit changing the subject."
Grandpapa, you wouldn't understand the subject. A crazed eighteen-year old plots to take over a strange dimension filled with sentient monsters. And the monsters' only hope has already shot himself in the foot, due in part to his repressed grief over the death of your other grandson.
"I want to talk about something else. I didn't come here to talk about my problems; I came to visit you for the summer."
"If you have problems, and you are too arrogant to ask for help, then I suggest you go home and solve them.
"Your problems won't go away simply because you elect to leave them behind. In fact, I've found that they simply follow you around and interfere in other people's lives.
"However, since you're going to be stubborn like you tend to be when you're aggravated, you may stay. I don't want to worsen the situation. But I won't allow you to ignore your problems while you're here."
What possessed me to visit grandpapa again?
"Maybe we can talk at home," I relent.
==
"Konnichiwa, Tachikawa-san." My grandfather bows politely to a young woman that looks familiar.
"Hello, Ichijou-Ken? What are you doing here in New York?" asks the woman. Oops, Mimi. Her hair's back to its natural caramel color again.
"You two know one another?" asks grandpapa.
"We have mutual friends," I smile.
"Yes," smiles Mimi, "although Ken can be stubborn at times."
It's a damned conspiracy. But how was I to know that my grandfather was Mimi's new neighbor?
"Would you like to come in, Tachikawa-san? My grandson and I were going to catch up on old times."
"Ken's your grandson? What a small world." Mimi grins, and we walk inside.
Grandpapa keeps a neat apartment. His awards for valor in his duties as a police officer are scattered in disarray on a table, while in the display case papa bought for his medals are pictures of various family members.
Papa at age eight, playing with a toy Zero.
"Aw...Ken, is that you?" coos Mimi. No. Baby Oniisan.
Young papa with a gorgeous woman in a wedding dress. "Who is she?" I pant.
"The mother of his children," quips my grandfather.
I balk at this, until I think a moment. On closer scrutiny, I recognize my own mother.
Grandmama and me, age three. I'm holding a plush ABC block.
"You were so adorable," Mimi continues.
Grandpapa nods. "A bit mischievous, but it couldn't be helped. Ken and my late wife were a pair."
I vaguely remember my grandmother. She died about six months after my fourth birthday. The yellow hat with the flowers and ribbons was an ill-conceived gift from me. Mimi's having a heart attack from the fashion violation, I'm sure.
"She loved that silly hat," chuckles grandpapa.
"But...it looks stupid," I say.
"She wore it with everything. Her motto always was: 'If you're given a gift for use, use it.'"
"Even if it's a daffodil yellow hat from a colorblind three-year old?"
"You gave her the hat, Ken."
"I'm not one to deny my faults."
"Ken," says Mimi, "your heart was in the right place."
"But I screwed up." Such is the fate of my demented life.
= =
"What is the matter with my grandson?" asks Ari.
Mimi sighs. "Do you want the long or the short version?"
"What the hell-I'm retired. Give me the long version."
[AN: Mimi pops in a DVD of Digimon 02.]
Mimi explains as much as she can about Ken. "I know it's not a lot, but I was in here in America for most of that."
"I think I remember the monsters in Rockefeller that Christmas. Especially the giant tree. I definitely remember Ken's runaway stunt-I nearly had cardiac arrest. 2002 was one hell of a year for me.
"It was my first year in America that I was really alone. Two high school friends of mine died the year before in the trade center incident."
"I remember that-my mother wanted to move to China after seeing the towers collapse," says Mimi.
"Like we're any safer in their government. At least we change our liars every four to eight years.
"Osamu died, and my family drew into an enclosed shell. The next I hear from my son, it's from a letter."
"That's not bad."
"He used to call, or send video e-mails. My son and I were that close."
"I see." Mimi studies Ari closely, noticing a new side to her senior neighbor.
"But with Kintaro, that's just the grief of losing a son. Now Ken, on the other hand, seems to have far bigger issues than he can resolve on his own.
"The least of which is this Kaizer persona that he had adopted, apparently to mask said issues."
"Ken said...that he was jealous of his older brother."
"Irrelevant. I'd be jealous too if my parents gave all their attention to my siblings. You're an only child, so you're privileged. But any person with siblings will probably tell you the same if they're honest with themselves.
"Osamu was smart, but most of his genius was discipline. Ken has talent coupled with a self-imposed inferiority complex, which of course hampers his ability to think coherently."
"What would be more relevant to you than sibling animosity?" asks Mimi.
"That 'animosity' is nearly as old as the earth. My real concern is that Ken has the classic symptoms of a molestation victim.
"You said something about a memory block."
"Something that his old friend Ryo was talking about when this started. He thinks Ken's blocking his memories."
"Semi-consciously. Ken has a memory like mine, but he has a massive jump between his brother's death and his reign as the Kaizer? My grandson unwilling to help in an operation that could determine the fate of many lives?
"Yet he helped a young woman and got a drug addict off the street even while restrained by a flying cosplay of Kamen Rider. My law enforcement radar just went up."
"Then you need to talk to Ken; because I don't know any more, Ichijouji-san," Mimi sighs.
= = =
I can't fault Mimi-she's trying to help.
"Wormmon, don't give me that look." The mournful eye is back in full force. "Grandpapa couldn't solve the mystery of my life if he tried."
"You could let him try, if it'd help you," counters Wormmon. "Your current coping mechanism isn't working."
"I'm not coping with anything," I scowl in disgust. "I can't cope with the fact that my life's a lot more screwed than what it was, and I'd rather not get in my friends' way as they try to save the world.
"At least they can do something without the hindrance of immense psychological baggage."
"You're not going to kill yourself, are you?"
"No." I can't believe Wormmon thinks I'm suicidal. My death won't solve anything either. Damn, I'm stupid. "No...I...I'll just get in the way. I always get in the way!"
"I wonder why your friend thinks you'll kill yourself," grandpapa says dryly. He must have snuck into the room.
"I won't. It would just cause you all grief."
"Then let us help you."
"You can't. It's impossible."
"Of course it is. You won't give anyone an opportunity to try."
I get so peeved with grandpapa sometimes. "What do you want me to say? Where shall I begin?"
I give my grandfather a cold, angry, and familiar stare. "Perhaps it is the revelation that someone I admired is a maniac. A maniac that, oddly enough, is attracted to me. This young man has been ravaging the digital world for years, but now is poised to conquer it all.
"During all of this, I, unable to cope with something as relatively mundane as my brother's death, go on a mission. The mission failed. It's the second time such a mission has failed, and both jeopardized the lives of the digital world's inhabitants.
"Then, I become a monster. In my muddled mind, I think it's all a game. I enslave innocent creatures and torment my only friend. In the meanwhile, the maniac strengthens his hold on the digital world.
"When the remains of my sanity dredged up in my mind, I was able to help defeat the evil plaguing the digital world at the time. I had to, considering it was partly my fault."
To his credit, grandpapa remains silent. Completely still.
I continue glaring at him. He can't know, can't understand what it is to have fractured memories. Why does he want to try to know? I...I don't want him to know. He doesn't need to.
"Of course," I smile curtly, continuing my narrative, "our actions merely eliminated the few forces egotistical enough to rival the maniac.
"So here it is, Summer 2005. And instead of going to a beach and building sand castles with my friends, I'm burdening you with my life story."
Grandpapa gazes at me a moment. Then turns to Wormmon.
"What happened to my grandson?" The sort of demand that he'd have asked of Osamu if he were alive. "Who hurt him? Who dared hurt him?"
Of course, Wormmon isn't Osamu; and unlike me, wouldn't attempt it.
"I don't really know." How dare he? Grandpapa, leave Wormmon out of this. I should know better; Wormmon has to continue. "Ken's having strange dreams and nightmares. There's the Dark Ocean, but Ken doesn't talk about that much."
"What about those missions Ken was on? Who were you fighting?"
"Why are you asking Wormmon?" I ask.
"Because he has your best interests at heart."
"I can answer those questions simply. The first mission was to destroy one of the two digimon that could fuse together-jogress evolve-into a powerful monster named Millenniumon. Kimeramon and Mugendramon, the latter known as Machinedramon in some areas of the digital world.
"Ryo elected to destroy Mugendramon, the weaker of the two. I came into the mission, was quickly debriefed. We hunted Mugendramon for several weeks."
"So I'm guessing you couldn't stop the jogress." Grandpapa's quick.
"No."
"Ken; we almost had him," counters Wormmon. "We had him pinned, and all Ryo had to do was fire the Walther Shot."
"If I hadn't pinned Mugendramon, Kimeramon wouldn't have waltzed over and completed the jogress."
"And if you hadn't pinned him, Mugendramon would have killed Ryo and Zero, and they would have jogressed anyway."
"Good point: I presume Ryo was a child at the time," says grandpapa. "Dead children are far worse than live Gojira wannabes."
I nod. "Early teens."
"What kind of aim did Ryo have?"
"Great aim. Mugendramon was huge."
"Wait a second. You have an experienced...officer trained in the use of a firearm, along with a target the size of a barn pinned and at point-blank range. If your objective was to destroy the weaker monster, and you had said target set up, what caused Ryo to miss?"
"Gen," answers Wormmon.
"Who is Gen?"
"A mysterious kid that kept appearing to 'help things along their intended path'." I remember all of that? Why does that sound like Neo?
"He did more harm than good," Wormmon pouts. "Gen threw something to cut Ryo's hand, forcing Ryo to drop the gun."
"So, in other words," says my grandfather, "some fool interfered with the completion of your first mission; Millenniumon was born, thus the need for the second mission."
"Correct." I already explained my contribution to this part of the chaos, so I see no need to explain myself again.
"The second mission occured when?"
"After Osamu died."
"Considering your generally stubborn nature, you most likely curled all of your sadness and resentment into a tidy little ball and tucked it away in the innermost recesses of your nine-year old mind." Grandpapa blinks slowly. "Continue."
"We had to destroy Millenniumon," I say simply.
"Did you succeed?"
"Yes, and no." I drag back up a remnant of an old, recurring memory. "Zeromaru decimated Millenniumon, but a fragment of the monster embedded itself in the back of my neck.
"I can't remember much of anything between that and my first act as the Kaizer."
"How did it feel?"
"I sensed that it hurt, but then everything went black."
"Ken was like that for a few weeks," adds Wormmon. "In digital time."
"Back then, time between the digital world and the real world fluctuated."
Grandpapa picks up Wormmon. "You're young, aren't you?" Yes; in fact he had to be reborn because of me, so he's younger than he should be.
"I know I'm asking you many impertinent questions," my grandfather continues, "and you probably think it's unfair.
"But you and I both know that Ken will not talk." He says that in the tone of "do not interject, Ken", and I know this because of a glance toward me.
"Haven't I told you everything?" asks Wormmon.
"No, you haven't. Gaps that should be covered aren't. Ken went down after the monster was destroyed, yet he says you failed the second mission.
"I am not badgering you to find out the finer points of digimon battle tactics; I am questioning you to learn what happened to my grandson."
"He told you everything he can remember. He couldn't know what happened with Millenniumon; Ryo explained that part."
"But you do." Grandpapa shuts his eyes a moment. "What was Gen's hair and eye color?"
"Gen's hair is pale blond, and his eyes are green." Wormmon suddenly shuts off, trembling.
"Wormmon!" This is news to me. I never saw Gen's face. He had on something akin to a Cobra Commander face mask.
"When did you see his face?" I ask.
Wormmon seems to be in a trance.
- - - -
"...you were their pitiful last line of defense. Don't worry," smiles Gen, "we'll make better use of Ken than you could."
"You won't touch him!" screams Wormmon, as fiercely as his rookie form would allow.
"It is too late. The darkness has already begun to touch him. In every place imaginable."
- - - -
My partner's eyes snap open. "Can darkness actually touch you, Ken?" asks Wormmon. "Can it touch you everywhere?"
"Yes." I curl up into a ball.
" 'In every place imaginable'? What does that mean?"
It's not right. Wormmon shouldn't have to ask these questions. How can I explain what that means? Who the hell said that?
"Who said that?" I ask aloud.
"Gen."
"Wormmon, how were you able to see Gen's face? He had on that shiny mask, remember?"
"Yes, Ken; but Zero charged at him, saying you were right about the jogress. Gen landed on top of an Airdramon.
"He was interfering with my ability to digivolve; otherwise, I would've taught him a real lesson. But now I realize...."
"Wormmon, don't give me that look."
"Ken, I couldn't even protect you, because I was weak, and I couldn't digivolve."
"Hold it. I had no right to call you weak in the first place. I was weak, not you." I can't believe this. It's because of this that Wormmon at least partially believes all the crap I spewed at him.
"Ken...."
"Listen." One side of me wants to kick Wormmon in the head. But I can't tell which side, I'm so confused. "Wormmon, you didn't-and don't-even know what you were supposed to protect me from. And Gen wasn't Millenniumon, that's for sure.
"At any rate, that wasn't your fault. I can't let you blame yourself for something that isn't your fault."
"You can't? Neither can I! You take the blame for Osamu's death. You take the blame for Millenniumon. You take the blame for Neo's rise to power."
"Will you. For once. Allow me to accept responsibility for my less than stellar record as a Tamer."
"Stop." Grandpapa's still in the room. "Gen sounds like a cheap psuedonym. It means phantom or ghost.
"But I think you both know who works under that alias."
"What? We're still keeping secrets from you somehow?" I hiss.
My grandfather grips my arms and shakes the hell out of me.
"Why are you shaking the life out of me?" I scream, restraining the impulse to crack grandpapa in two.
"I'm shaking the life into you." Ojiisan clutches me in a death hug. "I've seen too many beautiful lives crumble into dust. Yours will not be one of them."
"My life is ugly."
"You brought joy to my wife during her final years. The last of many long years, much of which she shared with me. So your rather limited analysis of your life is insufficient. I don't believe you."
My grandfather has so much love in his eyes. I can feel it. I want to grab hold and touch that compassion.
I know I'm loved. I don't need this.
"Child." Grandpapa strokes my hair. I'm so mortified. "Let me love you."
"I know you love me, grandpapa."
"Do you know that although both you and Wormmon know the identity of Gen now-you deduced it, and he had it figured out beforehand-that you two were arguing; rather than working together like you should? You two have the same goal, but each of you lies mired in your own private morass of self-doubt.
"Ken, that's how your mind and heart are. You logically know that I love you. And your heart knows that I love you. But your confusion sets the two at war, with the mind not wanting to feel and the heart not wanting to think."
I'm about to sob. Not in front of him. I have to be strong.
Grandpapa looks straight into my eyes. Why do I have these wide eyes?
"You have a destiny, grandson. It requires you to fight against the very monsters that ravaged your soul, but you can do it. Too much is at stake for you to not try. You would rather fail than not try."
"After all the mistakes I made, I dare not try again."
"Think, baka." Grandpapa grins. "What do you have to lose?"
"The world. Everyone I love."
"You are not Osamu."
Now where the hell did that come from?
Grandpapa continues. "You do not respond as Osamu did to chances. Osamu never took risks. He never even bothered to calculate a risk to see if the odds were in his favor; he just never took one. And he was content that way.
"You, however, cannot look at a risk without calculating it. You can't ignore it. It will nag at you, like too much white space in a room. To you, problems should be solved. It's usually when you try to ignore your problems and push them aside that you get in trouble."
"That...makes no sense...."
"I'll give you an example. When you were seven, I gave you and Osamu a test. A jar of cookies on the counter."
And those were tasty chocolate chip cookies. Excellent with milk.
"I had left the jar there without telling you one way or the other whether the cookies were yours to eat or not. I can remember your daily conversations:
" 'Ken-chan, let's not even look at it.'
" 'Niisan, they're cookies...I don't think anybody would notice one.'
" 'We should ask first.'
" 'They're on the counter. Every time grandpapa puts cookies on the counter, he usually says they're for us. Maybe he forgot to tell us this time. I want a cookie.'
" 'He may have forgotten to put it on top of the fridge, which is off limits. He didn't say; we don't know, and I don't want to get in trouble over a cookie.'
"I knew from there who would be eating cookies. Aside from any filched by your father, of course."
Papa has a sweet tooth.
"The first time you had one is when you saw your father grab a cookie. You asked, not mentioning the source of the jar, and he gave you a cookie.
"The next time, your favorite show was on, and I pretended to nap. You sat right next to me while munching three, with a tall glass of milk."
Caught, red-handed, in the literal cookie jar.
"I could see your mind thinking along this pattern: Cookie. But I could get in trouble. But I like cookies. What are the chances that I could be punished for eating the cookies? Is it worth the risk?"
I decide to finally confess. Damn, he's a good detective. "The cookies were great. Wish I had asked you first."
"Thank you for coming clean, but that wasn't my main point. These are the criteria you apply to nearly every risky decision you make. Sometimes, that makes you impulsive, because the bigger the risk, the more worthwhile the payoff."
"I'm a compulsive gambler."
"And a damned lucky one. There was a good chance that you could have been shot or killed today."
"By the purse snatcher? I had him in my clutches. Someone decided to hold me back." Namely a certain larval digimon who shall remain forever nameless, but I love him anyway.
"And he could have escaped. The cops might not have cared about a purse snatching. It's petty theft. The articles inside could be replaced with ease.
"But you took the chance that they would care."
"Because it would make a bit of difference in the world. That woman was looking right at me, like she knew I could do something."
"And you did. Your act was small; you may think it's inconsequential. But you changed two lives. You saved one person's life and restored the other person's faith in humanity. And in getting the addict off the street, that's a few hundred innocent lives saved."
"That's nice to know." I fail to see how this has anything to do with what grandpapa is hinting at. I knew that he'd basically agree with Wormmon and Mimi about helping Ryo, but this is overkill.
"You own self-doubt is making you forget 'what if'."
Grandpapa knows that is my most hated question. It just sits there, like a teasing Impmon, daring me to answer it. But I've been hearing that question a lot lately.
"You are doubting yourself, and yet that what-if remains. What if you do fail? Is your prediction of doom the worst possible outcome?
"That is nothing compared to this. What if you don't try? Some risks you can shrug off if you don't try them. What if you don't help your friends and they lose. You blame yourself for not trying, and you lose some friends.
"And what if you don't try, and they win? The world is saved without you."
I don't think I could stand that. Not because of my ego either, but because of my friends. Old and new. There'd be that nagging feeling that I should have been there.
Grandpapa's right. And once again, Wormmon's right.
==
Infinity Mountain, File Island. Ryo chose it because it doesn't belong to anyone. He says it's of "no strategic importance."
Koushirou's technobabble makes more sense. I remember watching Taichi and Yamato fight over whether we should climb the stupid thing. A shy-and back then scrawny Jyou had to go do it. Because it needed to be done.
This is where we fought Devimon, and where Takeru first lost Angemon trying to beat him.
If we're going to get any help fighting Neo, it's going to be from the place most of us grew up. So I think Ryo has great timing about this choice of spots.
Because all twelve of us are here to help Ryo.
I understand not wanting to fight, and even feeling useless in a fight. But sometimes, that one person can make all of the difference.
After all, Miyako needs her man.
Ken taps me on the shoulder. "Mimi, where did you get that yellow hat?"
"It draws attention." Ryo raises an eyebrow. He thinks I'm out of my mind.
Koushirou smirks. I've never seen him smile unless he wins an online game. The rest of the elders shrug and continue on.
"Why would you want a hat that acts as a homing beacon?" continues Ryo.
"I like to draw attention. That's my job," I grin. "This whole business with Neo has been in the dark too long. So my hat is a beacon of light."
"That hat is brighter than light," quips Hikari affectionately.
"But Mimi's wearing it," she and the other ladies chirp in unison, "so it works."
I don't know what will happen next. We've all got our monsters to fight. Both outside and inside. But there's no sense in hiding from them any longer.
The eclipse is over.
Her advice has unlocked many doors in my life. I found not only the recon log she mentioned, but much more than I bargained for.
Do these snatches of prepubescent hubris leave more questions for me than answers? I cannot say for certain. However, I truly believe that some of my doors should have remained locked.
==
Three years ago.
Having made plans to remain in the digital world for life, Ken stalks to his new bedroom.
Inside, he shrugs, losing his severe expression. "It was a miserable setback, and thankfully only a minor one," Ken muses aloud.
The young despot downloads files from his master computer to his laptop, to work on through the night. After a bath, Ken slips on some pajamas and flops onto his bed.
** I've collected a great deal of data on that Agumon I captured. The Greymon line is extremely powerful, but very difficult to control.
** The Skullgreymon factor is an unforeseen variable-how do you manage a beast that just kills whatever it damn well pleases?
** I hate killing digimon-they make much better slaves. *
Ken is completely focused on his work, and he fails to notice a near-silent movement next to him on the bed.
Ken continues analyzing his data. Until he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders. His body stiffens.
"You can relax, Ken-koi," a voice whispers into his ear. "Fortunately, I'm not an irate digimon out for your blood."
"Then who are you?" Ken's eyes dart behind him, to see the uninvited guest.
"I...decline to tell you exactly--at the moment. I just came to see how you were progressing."
Ken snorts derisively. "You sound like one of my teachers." He turns himself around, and sees an older boy with pale blond hair.
"Do I look like a teacher?" the youth smiles.
"No."
"That's good-though I am your teacher."
"What subject?"
"Evil," smiles the youth seductively. "Being very bad."
Ken rolls his eyes. "I think I'm bad enough, thank you. I'd like to ask you a question."
"Go on."
"Just out of curiosity, how the hell did you get here?"
"Simple. I teleported. Ken, I know every meter of the digital world. And I have so much to share with you," grins the youth excitedly.
"Let's get something clear: you are not my equal. Honestly, I don't understand how you obtained the name Ken, seeing as I am either Kaizer or Master to these peons."
"I understand that you're not at my level yet, Ken-chan." The youth smiles patiently. "But that's because you're just toying with the darkness.
"The darkness has tasted you, beloved. It's like a teased lover-it wants more. The darkness wants more Ken." The youth leaps onto Ken, kissing the dark-haired child passionately.
Ken jerks his head away violently. "What are you doing?"
"Your eyes are stunning." The youth strokes Ken's hair. "You are beautiful. That's why I kissed you.
"I've always wanted to do that."
"But...I don't even know you.... and even if I did, you-you're a...boy."
"You liked it, didn't you?"
Ken does not answer, frozen to the bed.
The blond youth smiles, his unseen hands roaming through Ken's pajamas.
"Tense, aren't you?"
"That should be self-evident," scowls Ken.
"You do tend to use long phrases when you're startled. You like being in control, after all.
"The darkness wants to bring you pleasure, Ken-koi." The youth traces a stiff muscle* between Ken's thighs.
And then the youth ducks his head down.
The boy sighs. "You're going to love this."
** What is he doing...? He's...got to stop. I'm liking this too much...I want more of this? No...I-I want him to stop.... *
"Stop," Ken whimpers breathlessly. "It...hurts."
"You mean you feel really tight down here; hmm...." The youth continues the pleasant torture.
"No, I don't want this! Get away." Ken jerks back as though stung.
"Are you sure? Because I'm feeling quite frisky after what just happened," smiles the youth.
"Get out."
"I'll meet you in the control room after you're done...."
"Done...?"
"It will be difficult for you to concentrate until your swelling goes down. The pillow's good." The youth snatches a pillow. "I know I'm going to need one."
"But what do I do?"
"You do whatever makes you feel so good, it messes up your nice sheets. I would have pleased us both, but you clearly want to be left alone.
"I understand-you've never been seduced before."
"I'm eleven, you yaro!"
"I know." A soft, teasing kiss from the youth tempts Ken.
Ken wills himself to avoid response.
"You can't fight forever. The darkness wants you. I want you, damn it.
"But I think making you beg for me would be a suitable punishment."
The youth slinks away; leaving Ken alone, startled, and aroused.
* AN: Come on, it's fairly obvious...that was the best euphemism I could find, folks. Trying to stay within the TOS-especially with two underage males involved. *
- - - -
My sleep was quite uneventful. I rise with the digital sun and step down to breakfast. Which-due to my fevered rush to be freed from that colony of insects-consists of peanut butter, raisins, and cream cheese frosting on toast.
Wormmon, my useless companion, crawls over to me with that eternally sad expression on his face. Absentmindedly I toss him half of my sandwich. Maybe he'll choke on it. That would provide some mild amusement.
Now that I'm done eating, I believe I'll finish analyzing the data I was looking at before I was...distracted. I may have to actually flog Wormmon for allowing that intruder to enter my private quarters.
And it appears that Wormmon couldn't even remove him.
"I can kill your useless little friend if you wish, Ken," the boy smiles.
Wormmon attempts to glare. It's actually cute, in a pitiful way.
"That pleasure will be meted at my discretion," I smirk. "The worm isn't of consequence to be bothered with killing right now.
"At the moment, the only nuisance to be rid of is you. Leave at once."
"No."
Someone needs to learn what it means to defy me. I crack my whip near his face, yet he doesn't flinch. Instead, he beckons me to come closer.
"I'm aware that you're a control fanatic," the youth purrs, "but just this once. Amuse me; hop on my lap."
He must be joking. It's bad enough that we have the same clothing designer; now this fool wants to make cheap passes at me. I don't even understand why he's attracted to me.
Maybe this boy's really a girl? Impossible; I felt another "joystick" when he tried to jump me last night.
"Perhaps I should guess your name. Daisuke?" That was the dumbest guess I could make. He looks nothing like my goggle-brained adversary.
If the digidestined were going to send someone to seduce me, they could have at least sent the pink-haired girl in the white mini. Even the twit in the big glasses would be more fun. She is continually boy-hungry.
At any rate, none of them strike me as the type to resort to this ridiculous a subterfuge. They'd rather just fight me in futile skirmishes.
"My guess is wrong," I say to my guest at length. "Who are you?"
"A shadow of the past, a hint of the future. Your destiny," he smiles.
"Your name, stupid. I demand that you identify yourself."
"Conquest made flesh." My "destiny" hasn't heard a word I said. He's too busy enjoying the sound of his voice.
Another crack of the whip should give him a good dose of reality. I hit him this time.
It really hurt. He clutches a mark near his chin, where my whip drew blood. There's a slight wince of pain, and a gasp.
Good. Now he knows I mean business-what? He's on top of me, and he's angry.
Then he laughs, as if recalling a bitter memory. "Good, Ken; but not good enough. I got this wound years ago."
Damn. All I did was crack open an old wound.
"Leave the master alone," spews Wormmon uselessly. At least he didn't call me Ken.
"Why? He's mine to play with." I hate to admit it, but he has me pinned. Can't judo-flip him with his weight holding me to the floor.
He gazes at me strangely.
"What do you want from me?" I demand.
"Your cooperation, my stubborn beauty. We can conquer the digital world together, and have hot sex between battles."
"How in hell are two males to manage sex? We don't have the right organs, idiot." I'm glad I have on my glasses. My eyes are betraying the fact that I have no desire to find out how.
"Love finds a way." He wants to show me anyway. Wormmon, make yourself useful for once-bite him or something.
The fool jumps up as if stung. He's shaking his ass, screaming in pain.
Attached to the intruder's rear is Wormmon, who's hanging on for dear life.
Truly a Fujifilm moment. Should have taken papa's camcorder as well.
==
I laugh now at my written account. Apparently Wormmon was only able to tolerate the stupidity of one Kaizer. Two is too damn many.
Though it's still not clear who had decided to visit me after I had lost Metal Greymon. Blond hair like Yamato's, and he wore a black version of my garish blue outfit.
No...his hair was paler than Yamato's. Besides, Yamato would have been with Gabumon, and he would no more allow Wormmon to bite Yamato's ass than Wormmon would tolerate anyone pouncing on me. What made me even think of Daisuke back then-aside from his tackling me down a steep hill?
Chatter about the darkness...let's conquer the digital world together.... If that was Neo, he must not have known what delusional head case he was dealing with.
Hmmm...even then I was thinking about Miyako. Who else could get away with those giant glasses? Aside from me, of course-but she wears hers in public.
Looks like I'm coming up to some real information now....
==
"Detach yourself, larva, or you will suffer," scowls the youth.
Wormmon releases his grip on the intruder. "You'd better leave him alone."
"Not that this hasn't been amusing," smirks Ken, struggling to stave off a fit of laughter, "but I believe you have overstayed your welcome.
"It's time for you to leave my base. Sayonara."
"Before I go, then; let me show you something." The youth types a few commands into the master computer, and a map pops up.
"How enlightening," grins Ken sardonically.
"I expected this response; nevertheless, you haven't begun to conquer the digital world." After a few more keystrokes, a new map appears on the screen.
** Most of the squares on that map are clear! That icon on the group of black squares is my symbol, but a peace symbol marks a set of black squares on the center continent. *
"You're beginning to realize, Ken, just how vast an undertaking world domination truly is. The peace symbol is my territory, the central continent. The area with your icon is the eastern continent, which I will take over when you fail to retain control of it.
"Because you will fail. You will only go so far before your heart holds you back."
"My...heart?" Ken laughs bitterly. "I have a heart consumed with darkness and a desire to rule the digital world."
"Ken-chan, this isn't a child's game. If you truly want to win, you have to kill your heart. But you will never do that. You are too pure, and too kind."
"Tell that to my slaves."
"Perhaps your slaves should meet mine." A wicked smile curls the youth's lips.
Which chills Ken, though he refuses to admit it. "Interesting. You're challenging me. I shall have to pay your little territory a visit."
"I would be delighted. And I'll even leave your continent alone while you're gone. That way, you can't blame me when you lose."
The youth leaves.
- - - -
Lose? I, lose? The Digimon Kaizer does not lose, he wins despite all adversity. No force can oppose me, and that twit is no exception.
He apparently wants Wormmon dead. But why do that when you can show the slug how worthless he is compared to a real digimon? Besides, there is something to be said for companionship, even with a weakling like him. If wanting someone to gaze at the glory of my triumphs is a weakness, then I'll permit it for the time being. Wormmon is of no importance.
Why does he stare at me like that? It's not hate, rage, fear, or even pain. It's just a deep sadness or disappointment.
About what? That I won't be called Ken? Ridiculous. I am the Digimon Kaizer, ruler of all I survey. I'm hardly that dead boy weakling.
==
I must have hated myself a great deal. Wormmon, I still can't fathom why you put up with me. Zero would have tried to bite my head off.
"Ken." There's Wormmon now, giving me a similar look to that sad one three years back.
Of course, I know the truth now. I just don't like seeing him unhappy. But what am I supposed to do?
"They need you," he continues quietly.
I bury my face in my hands. I know who "they" are. The digimon in Central who think of me as some underground digital messiah.
"All I want is to spend a peaceful summer with my friends," I sigh.
Wormmon is silent. He, too, can be stubborn. Then again, he wants a piece of Zed. That fiend probably makes all of his species look bad.
"But you and the others will raise hell until I come."
The caterpillar is still silent.
"Come and do what, I ask? What can I do that Ryo and his little army can't?"
"Win."
"What?"
"Don't you think it's weird that Ryo has fought all this time, yet he hasn't defeated Neo yet?"
"Oh, that's easy. Ryo should quit deluding himself into thinking that he and that small group of digimon can fight Neo's massive network in the heart of said Saiba's territory.
"Ryo has to pull out of Central and relocate his base of operations. Central is a compromised territory, and the continued stay there only wears down the morale of his troops. You remember Takato."
Wormmon puts on another pitiful effort at a scowl. His rookie form's too cute to intimidate anyone.
"Also, he has to gain the confidence of digimon outside Central, and convince them to fight on his side. All of that has to be done while dismantling Neo's power base at the same time."
I sigh in exasperation. "The other digidestined could help in the second part, but not even Daisuke could rally outsider digimon to fight against Neo. I'm sure they've witnessed his power."
"You're their only hope."
"Takeru's the Child of Hope, last I checked. I would undermine any of Ryo's efforts to accomplish the objectives I outlined.
"Please listen. Every part of me is screaming to fight. But the best way I can help is by cheering everyone on from the sidelines."
"You don't think you can win, do you?" asks Wormmon.
"I'm not sure anyone can win. But they'll stand a much better chance without my warped past hindering them."
"You're wrong."
"Incorrect. You're letting your faith in me get in the way of reality. Sadly, this isn't a game, where I can afford to lose and make mistakes. Too many lives are at stake."
"You are making a mistake."
By staying out of the fight and helping Noriko care for the digimon, I'm making a mistake? Wormmon must have had some of papa's good sake. Then again, I have this feeling that he's right.
"I'm right; I know I'm right. Every previous mission with Ryo's been a disaster because I insisted on doing things my way instead of letting Ryo take the lead."
"Ryo has the charisma of an angry Tortomon. He and Zero take themselves too seriously."
"Wormmon," I smile, "that's where Daisuke, Miyako, and Mimi come in. They have a great deal of charm."
Wormmon sighs. Why is he so patient? If I were a digimon frustrated with my human partner, I would have digivolved and kicked his ass.
"I know," my partner continues, "but you're still needed. And I'm not letting you try to fight him on your own."
Curses. Foiled again. That was my contingency plan, but the worm knows me well.
"That would get us both killed, and it would be irresponsible for me to do so.
"Thus," I smile, "we should instead visit my grandfather in New York."
= = =
Ken uses the digiport to jump from Tamaishi to Times Square.
A man pushes past him and Wormmon, running with a purse.
= = =
Damn, New Yorkers are pushy.
"Help, thief!" screeches a woman. She looks at me. "Please. You've got to stop him. He has my purse."
The woman continues to tell me-in raw English, mind you-about various bits in the purse.
I nod okay, hand Wormmon to the woman, and chase the fool. There's no way he can outrun me.
Sure enough, the thief lowers his chances even more by looking back. He sees me, and I pray to the local god that he's unarmed.
The thief is still trying for the triathlon. He can't escape me. I'm a fast runner.
I'll be able to tackle this clown in three...two...what?
"What the hell!" I look up, and the reason why I'm in midair becomes obvious. "Stingmon, put me down! He's getting away!"
"We have to visit your grandfather," says Stingmon. "That's why we're here."
"That's not important right now-I have to catch that thief! I know I can catch him!"
"So what?"
"So what! I swear, if you don't put me down, my goal-winning soccer foot will go so far up your abdomen that you'll know my shoe size!"
"But the police will take care of it. Let's go to your grandfather's."
I'm struggling. The annoying part is that I can still see the thief running from my new aerial perspective. What a ridiculous sight-a Japanese kid held in midair by a giant humanoid grasshopper.
The police, of course, arrive to see the commotion we're causing.
"Don't worry about us!" I shout in English. "A purse snatcher went that way!"
Thankfully, the lady I was trying to help confirms what I'm saying, and the officers send their people into action.
"Can you describe him?" asks one of the officers.
"Yes," I sigh, giving a description of the thief-that I could have caught already-while hanging in midair. Thanks a lot, partner.
"Want us to take care of him?" asks another cop, training his firearm at Stingmon.
"No, he just hasn't had any dessert. We're going to visit my grandfather after this."
==
A few hours later, after helping the police capture the thief-a drug addict who needed the woman's sixty-five dollars badly-we head to grandpapa's. Thankfully, a detective in the precinct knew him-grandfather was a cop with Interpol.
"Hello, Ken. I'm surprised to see you here in the States."
"I'm full of surprises," I smile to grandpapa, knowing that I'm also full of chikuso.
"I see." My grandfather raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Who's your friend?"
Of course. Wormmon. Which crappy lie did Takeru say he and the others used when they were looking for the eighth child? Oh, yes.... I hate lying to my grandfather.
"Him? Just a cute plushie. I had him ever since I was nine."
"Never heard about him in any letters from your oyaji." Grandpapa's referring to his son, namely my father. Who writes him at least twice a week. That's how I was able to give the officers his address so they could call him.
"I did hear of a 'Wormmon', however, that matches your plush toy's description. Except for that adorably peeved look your friend has on his face, of course."
I pretend to check my Wonder Swan for email. But I actually have an email.
antman_jou: you're a terrible liar, ken
antman_jou: glad you're not in a courtroom D
Comic genius, Ichijouji Ari.
I sigh in resignation. Nothing escapes my grandfather's photographic memory. Mama sent pictures with the last letter.
"Wormmon's...angry with me about something."
"And what's that?"
I decide to change the subject. "Did you get to use your tickets to watch the Knicks?"
"Yes. Now answer my question, boy, and quit changing the subject."
Grandpapa, you wouldn't understand the subject. A crazed eighteen-year old plots to take over a strange dimension filled with sentient monsters. And the monsters' only hope has already shot himself in the foot, due in part to his repressed grief over the death of your other grandson.
"I want to talk about something else. I didn't come here to talk about my problems; I came to visit you for the summer."
"If you have problems, and you are too arrogant to ask for help, then I suggest you go home and solve them.
"Your problems won't go away simply because you elect to leave them behind. In fact, I've found that they simply follow you around and interfere in other people's lives.
"However, since you're going to be stubborn like you tend to be when you're aggravated, you may stay. I don't want to worsen the situation. But I won't allow you to ignore your problems while you're here."
What possessed me to visit grandpapa again?
"Maybe we can talk at home," I relent.
==
"Konnichiwa, Tachikawa-san." My grandfather bows politely to a young woman that looks familiar.
"Hello, Ichijou-Ken? What are you doing here in New York?" asks the woman. Oops, Mimi. Her hair's back to its natural caramel color again.
"You two know one another?" asks grandpapa.
"We have mutual friends," I smile.
"Yes," smiles Mimi, "although Ken can be stubborn at times."
It's a damned conspiracy. But how was I to know that my grandfather was Mimi's new neighbor?
"Would you like to come in, Tachikawa-san? My grandson and I were going to catch up on old times."
"Ken's your grandson? What a small world." Mimi grins, and we walk inside.
Grandpapa keeps a neat apartment. His awards for valor in his duties as a police officer are scattered in disarray on a table, while in the display case papa bought for his medals are pictures of various family members.
Papa at age eight, playing with a toy Zero.
"Aw...Ken, is that you?" coos Mimi. No. Baby Oniisan.
Young papa with a gorgeous woman in a wedding dress. "Who is she?" I pant.
"The mother of his children," quips my grandfather.
I balk at this, until I think a moment. On closer scrutiny, I recognize my own mother.
Grandmama and me, age three. I'm holding a plush ABC block.
"You were so adorable," Mimi continues.
Grandpapa nods. "A bit mischievous, but it couldn't be helped. Ken and my late wife were a pair."
I vaguely remember my grandmother. She died about six months after my fourth birthday. The yellow hat with the flowers and ribbons was an ill-conceived gift from me. Mimi's having a heart attack from the fashion violation, I'm sure.
"She loved that silly hat," chuckles grandpapa.
"But...it looks stupid," I say.
"She wore it with everything. Her motto always was: 'If you're given a gift for use, use it.'"
"Even if it's a daffodil yellow hat from a colorblind three-year old?"
"You gave her the hat, Ken."
"I'm not one to deny my faults."
"Ken," says Mimi, "your heart was in the right place."
"But I screwed up." Such is the fate of my demented life.
= =
"What is the matter with my grandson?" asks Ari.
Mimi sighs. "Do you want the long or the short version?"
"What the hell-I'm retired. Give me the long version."
[AN: Mimi pops in a DVD of Digimon 02.]
Mimi explains as much as she can about Ken. "I know it's not a lot, but I was in here in America for most of that."
"I think I remember the monsters in Rockefeller that Christmas. Especially the giant tree. I definitely remember Ken's runaway stunt-I nearly had cardiac arrest. 2002 was one hell of a year for me.
"It was my first year in America that I was really alone. Two high school friends of mine died the year before in the trade center incident."
"I remember that-my mother wanted to move to China after seeing the towers collapse," says Mimi.
"Like we're any safer in their government. At least we change our liars every four to eight years.
"Osamu died, and my family drew into an enclosed shell. The next I hear from my son, it's from a letter."
"That's not bad."
"He used to call, or send video e-mails. My son and I were that close."
"I see." Mimi studies Ari closely, noticing a new side to her senior neighbor.
"But with Kintaro, that's just the grief of losing a son. Now Ken, on the other hand, seems to have far bigger issues than he can resolve on his own.
"The least of which is this Kaizer persona that he had adopted, apparently to mask said issues."
"Ken said...that he was jealous of his older brother."
"Irrelevant. I'd be jealous too if my parents gave all their attention to my siblings. You're an only child, so you're privileged. But any person with siblings will probably tell you the same if they're honest with themselves.
"Osamu was smart, but most of his genius was discipline. Ken has talent coupled with a self-imposed inferiority complex, which of course hampers his ability to think coherently."
"What would be more relevant to you than sibling animosity?" asks Mimi.
"That 'animosity' is nearly as old as the earth. My real concern is that Ken has the classic symptoms of a molestation victim.
"You said something about a memory block."
"Something that his old friend Ryo was talking about when this started. He thinks Ken's blocking his memories."
"Semi-consciously. Ken has a memory like mine, but he has a massive jump between his brother's death and his reign as the Kaizer? My grandson unwilling to help in an operation that could determine the fate of many lives?
"Yet he helped a young woman and got a drug addict off the street even while restrained by a flying cosplay of Kamen Rider. My law enforcement radar just went up."
"Then you need to talk to Ken; because I don't know any more, Ichijouji-san," Mimi sighs.
= = =
I can't fault Mimi-she's trying to help.
"Wormmon, don't give me that look." The mournful eye is back in full force. "Grandpapa couldn't solve the mystery of my life if he tried."
"You could let him try, if it'd help you," counters Wormmon. "Your current coping mechanism isn't working."
"I'm not coping with anything," I scowl in disgust. "I can't cope with the fact that my life's a lot more screwed than what it was, and I'd rather not get in my friends' way as they try to save the world.
"At least they can do something without the hindrance of immense psychological baggage."
"You're not going to kill yourself, are you?"
"No." I can't believe Wormmon thinks I'm suicidal. My death won't solve anything either. Damn, I'm stupid. "No...I...I'll just get in the way. I always get in the way!"
"I wonder why your friend thinks you'll kill yourself," grandpapa says dryly. He must have snuck into the room.
"I won't. It would just cause you all grief."
"Then let us help you."
"You can't. It's impossible."
"Of course it is. You won't give anyone an opportunity to try."
I get so peeved with grandpapa sometimes. "What do you want me to say? Where shall I begin?"
I give my grandfather a cold, angry, and familiar stare. "Perhaps it is the revelation that someone I admired is a maniac. A maniac that, oddly enough, is attracted to me. This young man has been ravaging the digital world for years, but now is poised to conquer it all.
"During all of this, I, unable to cope with something as relatively mundane as my brother's death, go on a mission. The mission failed. It's the second time such a mission has failed, and both jeopardized the lives of the digital world's inhabitants.
"Then, I become a monster. In my muddled mind, I think it's all a game. I enslave innocent creatures and torment my only friend. In the meanwhile, the maniac strengthens his hold on the digital world.
"When the remains of my sanity dredged up in my mind, I was able to help defeat the evil plaguing the digital world at the time. I had to, considering it was partly my fault."
To his credit, grandpapa remains silent. Completely still.
I continue glaring at him. He can't know, can't understand what it is to have fractured memories. Why does he want to try to know? I...I don't want him to know. He doesn't need to.
"Of course," I smile curtly, continuing my narrative, "our actions merely eliminated the few forces egotistical enough to rival the maniac.
"So here it is, Summer 2005. And instead of going to a beach and building sand castles with my friends, I'm burdening you with my life story."
Grandpapa gazes at me a moment. Then turns to Wormmon.
"What happened to my grandson?" The sort of demand that he'd have asked of Osamu if he were alive. "Who hurt him? Who dared hurt him?"
Of course, Wormmon isn't Osamu; and unlike me, wouldn't attempt it.
"I don't really know." How dare he? Grandpapa, leave Wormmon out of this. I should know better; Wormmon has to continue. "Ken's having strange dreams and nightmares. There's the Dark Ocean, but Ken doesn't talk about that much."
"What about those missions Ken was on? Who were you fighting?"
"Why are you asking Wormmon?" I ask.
"Because he has your best interests at heart."
"I can answer those questions simply. The first mission was to destroy one of the two digimon that could fuse together-jogress evolve-into a powerful monster named Millenniumon. Kimeramon and Mugendramon, the latter known as Machinedramon in some areas of the digital world.
"Ryo elected to destroy Mugendramon, the weaker of the two. I came into the mission, was quickly debriefed. We hunted Mugendramon for several weeks."
"So I'm guessing you couldn't stop the jogress." Grandpapa's quick.
"No."
"Ken; we almost had him," counters Wormmon. "We had him pinned, and all Ryo had to do was fire the Walther Shot."
"If I hadn't pinned Mugendramon, Kimeramon wouldn't have waltzed over and completed the jogress."
"And if you hadn't pinned him, Mugendramon would have killed Ryo and Zero, and they would have jogressed anyway."
"Good point: I presume Ryo was a child at the time," says grandpapa. "Dead children are far worse than live Gojira wannabes."
I nod. "Early teens."
"What kind of aim did Ryo have?"
"Great aim. Mugendramon was huge."
"Wait a second. You have an experienced...officer trained in the use of a firearm, along with a target the size of a barn pinned and at point-blank range. If your objective was to destroy the weaker monster, and you had said target set up, what caused Ryo to miss?"
"Gen," answers Wormmon.
"Who is Gen?"
"A mysterious kid that kept appearing to 'help things along their intended path'." I remember all of that? Why does that sound like Neo?
"He did more harm than good," Wormmon pouts. "Gen threw something to cut Ryo's hand, forcing Ryo to drop the gun."
"So, in other words," says my grandfather, "some fool interfered with the completion of your first mission; Millenniumon was born, thus the need for the second mission."
"Correct." I already explained my contribution to this part of the chaos, so I see no need to explain myself again.
"The second mission occured when?"
"After Osamu died."
"Considering your generally stubborn nature, you most likely curled all of your sadness and resentment into a tidy little ball and tucked it away in the innermost recesses of your nine-year old mind." Grandpapa blinks slowly. "Continue."
"We had to destroy Millenniumon," I say simply.
"Did you succeed?"
"Yes, and no." I drag back up a remnant of an old, recurring memory. "Zeromaru decimated Millenniumon, but a fragment of the monster embedded itself in the back of my neck.
"I can't remember much of anything between that and my first act as the Kaizer."
"How did it feel?"
"I sensed that it hurt, but then everything went black."
"Ken was like that for a few weeks," adds Wormmon. "In digital time."
"Back then, time between the digital world and the real world fluctuated."
Grandpapa picks up Wormmon. "You're young, aren't you?" Yes; in fact he had to be reborn because of me, so he's younger than he should be.
"I know I'm asking you many impertinent questions," my grandfather continues, "and you probably think it's unfair.
"But you and I both know that Ken will not talk." He says that in the tone of "do not interject, Ken", and I know this because of a glance toward me.
"Haven't I told you everything?" asks Wormmon.
"No, you haven't. Gaps that should be covered aren't. Ken went down after the monster was destroyed, yet he says you failed the second mission.
"I am not badgering you to find out the finer points of digimon battle tactics; I am questioning you to learn what happened to my grandson."
"He told you everything he can remember. He couldn't know what happened with Millenniumon; Ryo explained that part."
"But you do." Grandpapa shuts his eyes a moment. "What was Gen's hair and eye color?"
"Gen's hair is pale blond, and his eyes are green." Wormmon suddenly shuts off, trembling.
"Wormmon!" This is news to me. I never saw Gen's face. He had on something akin to a Cobra Commander face mask.
"When did you see his face?" I ask.
Wormmon seems to be in a trance.
- - - -
"...you were their pitiful last line of defense. Don't worry," smiles Gen, "we'll make better use of Ken than you could."
"You won't touch him!" screams Wormmon, as fiercely as his rookie form would allow.
"It is too late. The darkness has already begun to touch him. In every place imaginable."
- - - -
My partner's eyes snap open. "Can darkness actually touch you, Ken?" asks Wormmon. "Can it touch you everywhere?"
"Yes." I curl up into a ball.
" 'In every place imaginable'? What does that mean?"
It's not right. Wormmon shouldn't have to ask these questions. How can I explain what that means? Who the hell said that?
"Who said that?" I ask aloud.
"Gen."
"Wormmon, how were you able to see Gen's face? He had on that shiny mask, remember?"
"Yes, Ken; but Zero charged at him, saying you were right about the jogress. Gen landed on top of an Airdramon.
"He was interfering with my ability to digivolve; otherwise, I would've taught him a real lesson. But now I realize...."
"Wormmon, don't give me that look."
"Ken, I couldn't even protect you, because I was weak, and I couldn't digivolve."
"Hold it. I had no right to call you weak in the first place. I was weak, not you." I can't believe this. It's because of this that Wormmon at least partially believes all the crap I spewed at him.
"Ken...."
"Listen." One side of me wants to kick Wormmon in the head. But I can't tell which side, I'm so confused. "Wormmon, you didn't-and don't-even know what you were supposed to protect me from. And Gen wasn't Millenniumon, that's for sure.
"At any rate, that wasn't your fault. I can't let you blame yourself for something that isn't your fault."
"You can't? Neither can I! You take the blame for Osamu's death. You take the blame for Millenniumon. You take the blame for Neo's rise to power."
"Will you. For once. Allow me to accept responsibility for my less than stellar record as a Tamer."
"Stop." Grandpapa's still in the room. "Gen sounds like a cheap psuedonym. It means phantom or ghost.
"But I think you both know who works under that alias."
"What? We're still keeping secrets from you somehow?" I hiss.
My grandfather grips my arms and shakes the hell out of me.
"Why are you shaking the life out of me?" I scream, restraining the impulse to crack grandpapa in two.
"I'm shaking the life into you." Ojiisan clutches me in a death hug. "I've seen too many beautiful lives crumble into dust. Yours will not be one of them."
"My life is ugly."
"You brought joy to my wife during her final years. The last of many long years, much of which she shared with me. So your rather limited analysis of your life is insufficient. I don't believe you."
My grandfather has so much love in his eyes. I can feel it. I want to grab hold and touch that compassion.
I know I'm loved. I don't need this.
"Child." Grandpapa strokes my hair. I'm so mortified. "Let me love you."
"I know you love me, grandpapa."
"Do you know that although both you and Wormmon know the identity of Gen now-you deduced it, and he had it figured out beforehand-that you two were arguing; rather than working together like you should? You two have the same goal, but each of you lies mired in your own private morass of self-doubt.
"Ken, that's how your mind and heart are. You logically know that I love you. And your heart knows that I love you. But your confusion sets the two at war, with the mind not wanting to feel and the heart not wanting to think."
I'm about to sob. Not in front of him. I have to be strong.
Grandpapa looks straight into my eyes. Why do I have these wide eyes?
"You have a destiny, grandson. It requires you to fight against the very monsters that ravaged your soul, but you can do it. Too much is at stake for you to not try. You would rather fail than not try."
"After all the mistakes I made, I dare not try again."
"Think, baka." Grandpapa grins. "What do you have to lose?"
"The world. Everyone I love."
"You are not Osamu."
Now where the hell did that come from?
Grandpapa continues. "You do not respond as Osamu did to chances. Osamu never took risks. He never even bothered to calculate a risk to see if the odds were in his favor; he just never took one. And he was content that way.
"You, however, cannot look at a risk without calculating it. You can't ignore it. It will nag at you, like too much white space in a room. To you, problems should be solved. It's usually when you try to ignore your problems and push them aside that you get in trouble."
"That...makes no sense...."
"I'll give you an example. When you were seven, I gave you and Osamu a test. A jar of cookies on the counter."
And those were tasty chocolate chip cookies. Excellent with milk.
"I had left the jar there without telling you one way or the other whether the cookies were yours to eat or not. I can remember your daily conversations:
" 'Ken-chan, let's not even look at it.'
" 'Niisan, they're cookies...I don't think anybody would notice one.'
" 'We should ask first.'
" 'They're on the counter. Every time grandpapa puts cookies on the counter, he usually says they're for us. Maybe he forgot to tell us this time. I want a cookie.'
" 'He may have forgotten to put it on top of the fridge, which is off limits. He didn't say; we don't know, and I don't want to get in trouble over a cookie.'
"I knew from there who would be eating cookies. Aside from any filched by your father, of course."
Papa has a sweet tooth.
"The first time you had one is when you saw your father grab a cookie. You asked, not mentioning the source of the jar, and he gave you a cookie.
"The next time, your favorite show was on, and I pretended to nap. You sat right next to me while munching three, with a tall glass of milk."
Caught, red-handed, in the literal cookie jar.
"I could see your mind thinking along this pattern: Cookie. But I could get in trouble. But I like cookies. What are the chances that I could be punished for eating the cookies? Is it worth the risk?"
I decide to finally confess. Damn, he's a good detective. "The cookies were great. Wish I had asked you first."
"Thank you for coming clean, but that wasn't my main point. These are the criteria you apply to nearly every risky decision you make. Sometimes, that makes you impulsive, because the bigger the risk, the more worthwhile the payoff."
"I'm a compulsive gambler."
"And a damned lucky one. There was a good chance that you could have been shot or killed today."
"By the purse snatcher? I had him in my clutches. Someone decided to hold me back." Namely a certain larval digimon who shall remain forever nameless, but I love him anyway.
"And he could have escaped. The cops might not have cared about a purse snatching. It's petty theft. The articles inside could be replaced with ease.
"But you took the chance that they would care."
"Because it would make a bit of difference in the world. That woman was looking right at me, like she knew I could do something."
"And you did. Your act was small; you may think it's inconsequential. But you changed two lives. You saved one person's life and restored the other person's faith in humanity. And in getting the addict off the street, that's a few hundred innocent lives saved."
"That's nice to know." I fail to see how this has anything to do with what grandpapa is hinting at. I knew that he'd basically agree with Wormmon and Mimi about helping Ryo, but this is overkill.
"You own self-doubt is making you forget 'what if'."
Grandpapa knows that is my most hated question. It just sits there, like a teasing Impmon, daring me to answer it. But I've been hearing that question a lot lately.
"You are doubting yourself, and yet that what-if remains. What if you do fail? Is your prediction of doom the worst possible outcome?
"That is nothing compared to this. What if you don't try? Some risks you can shrug off if you don't try them. What if you don't help your friends and they lose. You blame yourself for not trying, and you lose some friends.
"And what if you don't try, and they win? The world is saved without you."
I don't think I could stand that. Not because of my ego either, but because of my friends. Old and new. There'd be that nagging feeling that I should have been there.
Grandpapa's right. And once again, Wormmon's right.
==
Infinity Mountain, File Island. Ryo chose it because it doesn't belong to anyone. He says it's of "no strategic importance."
Koushirou's technobabble makes more sense. I remember watching Taichi and Yamato fight over whether we should climb the stupid thing. A shy-and back then scrawny Jyou had to go do it. Because it needed to be done.
This is where we fought Devimon, and where Takeru first lost Angemon trying to beat him.
If we're going to get any help fighting Neo, it's going to be from the place most of us grew up. So I think Ryo has great timing about this choice of spots.
Because all twelve of us are here to help Ryo.
I understand not wanting to fight, and even feeling useless in a fight. But sometimes, that one person can make all of the difference.
After all, Miyako needs her man.
Ken taps me on the shoulder. "Mimi, where did you get that yellow hat?"
"It draws attention." Ryo raises an eyebrow. He thinks I'm out of my mind.
Koushirou smirks. I've never seen him smile unless he wins an online game. The rest of the elders shrug and continue on.
"Why would you want a hat that acts as a homing beacon?" continues Ryo.
"I like to draw attention. That's my job," I grin. "This whole business with Neo has been in the dark too long. So my hat is a beacon of light."
"That hat is brighter than light," quips Hikari affectionately.
"But Mimi's wearing it," she and the other ladies chirp in unison, "so it works."
I don't know what will happen next. We've all got our monsters to fight. Both outside and inside. But there's no sense in hiding from them any longer.
The eclipse is over.
