DISCLAIMER: I don't own LoK.
NOTE: New word created-
Eye-rich: a lot of eyes
Raziel: I wonder what I'm gonna get for Christmas.
Evelin: I'll get you a nice pair of baggy pants-what's your size?
Raziel: I dunno…maybe -3?
Evelin: …I'll get you a belt.
Kain: Did I hear someone say pants?
Raziel: Daddy!
Evelin: You're not wanted here. You're not dead-unless you can shift?
Kain: Yeah.
Evelin: DAMN! :-(
Kain: I was gonna get you pants but now that she's already asking your size…
Evelin: We haven't even started the fic yet! *turn's to readers* Christmas is here! Here is a Christmas special for you all-Kain'll be in it, cuz it's Christmas (he can shift to spectral anyway). The other guys-Melchiah, the Seer, yadda, yadda, yadda will probably also be in it.
A Christmas Special
Chapter 4
Merry Christmas People!
There's snow outside...
Raziel: *wakes up and look's out the window* Snow. *that's all your gonna say?* Yeah. I'm blue. *I think we know that already* I mean I'm depressed. *that's very confusing*
Raziel: *in front of mirror* Hmm…What should I look like today? *get some wings-it's Christmas* ^_^ *pOp* *nice* Thanx.
Doorbell rings.
Raziel: *open's door*
Vorador, Mortanius, Ariel, Magnus, and Umah: We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year…
Raziel: *closes door on them* Idiots. *why are you in a bad mood?* I'm lonely and every single person I know is a f#!%ing idiot *true*
Doorbell ring's again.
Raziel: Now what?! *open's door and look's outside* This isn't good… *jump's inside and see's a bucket of water fall down where he was standing* MOEBIUS!
Moebius: What?
Raziel: Is that a hose behind your back?
Moebius: No.
Raziel: Yes it is. *takes out the wraith blade*
Moebius: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *run's away*
Janos: *walking around* my heart, my good heart-where did my heart go?!
Raziel: …*remembers ripping it out when Janos was drunk and hid it under his bed* I need a better hiding place…
Melchiah: (AUTHOR'S NOTE: All Lieutenants are in vampire form-except for Raziel) Merry Christmas Raz *gives him a present*
Raziel: Um…Thanx…Here, *gives him a brand spanking new Game boy Advance* be happy.
Melchiah: YAY! *jump's up and down*
Raziel: I'll be at home if anyone need's me…
Janos: Yeah, I need you, where's my goddamn heart?!
Raziel: …*flies away*
Janos: Waaaaiiiit a minute...Did he just fly away?
At the Author's Dungeon…
Evelin: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA…I have an EVIL plan!
Joey: What is it?
Evelin: …NEVER QUESTION YOUR ELDERS, YOU HEAR?!
Joey: …Ok, master…
Evelin: Christmas is coming and that shall be the time we attack the new dimension guardian's citadel-we must plan!
Joey: New dimension guardian?
Evelin: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU ABOUT QUESTIONING YOUR ELDERS?!
Joey: Sorry master.
Evelin: …OK, so we're gonna have to make sure that we got a kick ass plan that should kick enough ass to make those freaks run away with their tails between their legs…
Joey: I thought that we were the guys with the tails.
Evelin: SHUDDAP, BEFORE I KILL YOU!
Joey: I'm so sorry master!
Evelin: Just shuddup and quit calling me master.
Joey: Okey-dokey master.
Evelin: *slap's her head*
After that VERY disturbing scene…
Raziel: *hiding under his bed* … *suddenly notices HoD* This is really messing up my carpet…I gotta get rid of it somehow…
Janos: *run's in the room* I know your in here somewhere! :(
Raziel: _
Raziel: _
Raziel: _
Raziel: *almost freak's out*
Janos: Come out, come out…Don't make me paint your cat's butt in pink again…
Raziel: *stuff's the heart under his cowl and shift's* Thank God there's a portal under my bed. *runs to the hallway and shifts back to spectral* … *walk's back to his room* What the hell are you doing in my house?
Janos: *notices blood dripping from his cowl* What is that your hiding?
Raziel: It's uh…I got hurt. I'm hiding nothing but a severe cut.
Janos: JUST GIVE ME MY HEART BACK, OR I'LL RIP YOURS…Wait a minute…*start's to think hard*
Raziel: … * throw's Janos out of his house* you're not welcome here!
At the Sanctuary or the Clans…
Kain: Six presents, six kids…So expensive.
Joey run's in.
Joey: My master wants to kill this 'new guardian' and wants to find out how you conquered Nosgoth.
Kain: I sat on my ass the whole time while the lieutenants did all the hard work-make her go ask them.
Joey: How about your first attempt to conquer Nosgoth?
Kain: I didn't even tell them about that. And besides-It was my first attempt, which mean's that it failed.
Joey: But she'll slap me upside the head if she got this news.
Kain: It's pretty much because you're an idiot.
Joey: …Who's that? *point's at a corpse of a lady nearby*
Kain: Someone who clamed to be a 'guardian'.
Joey: I am sooo dead… *flies away*
Kain: Maybe I should go buy stuff now…
At the Dungeon…
Evelin: WHAT?! DEAD?! Then let's kill the squid!
Joey: But he's indestructible.
Evelin: He's gotta be killable in SOME way!…How about this, let's kidnap Mr. Elder God!
Joey: He look's more like an octopus to me…
Evelin: …Who cares, he's a squid and I just love to torture squids-especially the eye-rich Elder Gods of Nosgoth!
Joey: There's more than one?
Evelin: Yep. Their just around the coast.
Joey: Nosgoth has a coast?
Evelin: *pick's up a large, heavy tome and hit's herself on the head repeatedly*
At the mall…
Kain: Ok, so…prosthetic skin for Melchiah, Sewing Kit for Zephon, a bunch of encyclopedias for Rahab, a bunch of dumbbells for Dumah, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Linkin Park CDs for Turel, and…What do I get Raziel?
Moebius(behind Kain): *prancing by* Get him a bra! *get's his head cut off*
Kain: He'll be happy with this! *pick's up the head and puts it into the cart*
Evelin: *suddenly appears* Hey, what about me?
Kain: …What do you want?
Evelin: SR3! SR3! SR3!
Kain: Here, have this portable time-streaming device. *gives it to her*
Evelin: *look's at the time-streaming device* …It's broken.
Kain: Then have this, *gives her Moebius' staff*
Evelin: Cool. *disappears*
8 hours later at the Sanctuary of the Clans (at The Pillars)…
A Christmas Tree is at the middle of the Pillars platform.
Kain: Is everybody here yet?
Rahab: No. So far there's me, you, a bunch of peasants-
Kain: PEASANTS?! *kick's all the peasants out*
Rahab: OK, so there's me, you…and that gal sitting on your throne with Moebius staff.
Evelin: HI!
Kaoiln: Get off my throne, dammit! And why am I now called Kaoiln???
Evelin: Spelling(plus spellcheck) error-but ya have to admit that's a nice name.
Kain: But what kind of person would call themselves Kaoiln???
Evelin: …I have no idea…a Nosgothic person, perhaps…?
Turel suddenly walk's in.
Turel: Word on the street is…Hey, where is everybody?
Evelin: Dumah, Melchiah, and Zephon have been kidnapped by Sebastian.
Kain: AND YOUR JUST TELLING US NOW?!
Evelin: Yeah.
Kain: *on his mobile* Magnus, save my kids!
Magnus' voice: Okey-dokey.
Rahab: Then what happened to the others?
Evelin: You're here, Turel's here, and I don't know what Raziel is doing now.
Kain: Are you sure that it's just those three?
Evelin: Yeah. I hope somebody got me SR3.
Everybody: …
Evelin: HEY, nobody got me SR3?! *smoke comes from her ears-followed by some fire*
The doors open.
Everybody: …
And close.
Rahab: …Who's that?
Evelin: …Where did he go?
Rahab: Huh?
Evelin: Just shut up.
???: What the hell is that freak doing here?!
Evelin: He just came.
???: …Can you get the question marks off?
Evelin: Yeah.
Raziel: Thanks.
Turel: Wuzzup, me blue brotha'?!
Everybody – Turel: …!!!
Raziel: Just shut the fuck up before I pull that earring of your…giant ear.
Rahab: Turel's got an earring?
Turel: Wanna get an earring too?
Evelin: Earrings only look good on guys if their rappers.
Raziel: *tug's on his ear* SEE?! BIG EARS!!! I DON'T GET IT!
Turel: OW! Your just jealous!
Kain: Oops…
Evelin: Flashback alert, flashback alert!
Raziel: You look stupid with earrings (your ears are pretty big anyway) and I'm still pissed off at you!!!
Evelin: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!! *is silenced with duck tape* *still shouting* fyt,fyt,fyt,fyt!
Kain: Somebody get her out of here.
Evelin: *duck tape suddenly disappears* Why don't you get Rahab out?
Kain: He isn't doing anything.
Evelin: I WANNA SEE A FIGHT!!!
Kain: You've seen and started enough bar fights to last you a vampire's lifetime.
Evelin: But I live longer than that.
Turel: Is it just me, or did you land head-first when you hit the water?
Raziel: That's it. *throw's Turel at the doors*
Magnus comes in at that same moment and Turel crashes into him.
Magnus: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Raziel: Oops, sorry.
Evelin: YAY!!! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!
The Missing Idiots: Why are we called The Missing Idiots?
Evelin: Because you guys were missing and your idiots-like Joey here. *pat's Joey on the head*
Joey: Look, he's missing a tail!
Evelin: Shut up before I smack you.
Dumah: I'M GONNA GO BEAT UP SOMEONE, WHO'LL JOIN ME?!
Everybody: …
Evelin: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA…
Dumah: …I think I"ll just stay here…
Evelin: :( *turn's Dumah pink* HA, THE GAY GUY COLOR!
Dumah: *look's at himself* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *run's out*
Evelin: I hate pink.
Marcus, Sebastian, Umah, and Faustus come in.
Kain: Your not wanted here, Sebastian.
Sebastian: So what?
Raziel: I always wanted to get a new ability. *kill's Sebastian, devour's his soul, and get's Berserk*
Rahab: You haven't changed a bit.
Raziel: *ZIP* *Start's to run around very quickly.*
Rahab: O.O *accidentally get's run over by Raziel*
Raziel: *ZIPPING around* Oops-SORRY!!!
Rahab: *suddenly messed up in the head* Baaa…wagga, wagga…
Evelin: FASCINATING. O.O
Kain: At least Sebastian is out of my way…again… *suddenly notices some thing different about Raziel* You look different.
Raziel: *ZIPPING around* And?
Kain: How did you get wings?
Raziel: *stop's ZIPPING around* I found out that I have the power change my appearance.
Kain: Interesting.
Faustus (talking to Zephon): *show's him a hand grenade* Hand grenades are more fun to use than eggs!
Zephon: Can I borrow some?
Faustus: *hides hand grenades from Zephon* Get you own!
Evelin: LET GECKOS RAIN!!! *start's to rain geckos*
Melchiah: GECKO SKIN!!!
Umah: Eeeww…
Rahab: *recovers and takes out magnifying glass and look's at a gecko* INTRIGUING.
Evelin: *squishes it while he look's at it* Sheesh, it's just a gecko-nerd.
*Knock-knock*
Raziel: *open's door* Yeah, who are you?
Seer: Hi, son!
Raziel: ???!!!
Kain: Oops.
Melchiah: You say oops too much.
Kain: I…Never told you guys who your mother is.
Raziel: ????????!!!!!!!!
The Rest of the Brothers: ????????!!!!!!!!
Evelin: Can somebody get me a paper bag? I'm not gonna like this…
Faustus: I think we're out.
Evelin: …*cover's her ears* OK, tell 'em.
Kain: *point's to Seer* Your mamma it that lady there-which explain's the Raz getting wings thing and all that.
Bruised Turel: Thang-It's thang, not thing.
Evelin: *slap's her head*
Raziel: How did that happen?!
Faustus: AHEM! *wink* *wink*
Raziel: !!!
The Rest of the Brothers: !!!
Marcus: I have a headache.
Umah: I'm not surprised.
Marcus: And one would have thaught that you would have been that mamma. =p
Umah: *turn's red* :-(
Vorador and Janos show up.
Janos: *like an EVIL madman* GIVE ME BACK MY HEART!!!
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! HE'S GONNA KILL ME MOMMY! *hide's behind Seer*
Seer: *slap's Janos*
Janos: *has been slapped* Ow.
Raziel: Heh, heh.
Everybody has settled down.
Kain: OK…it's Christmas, and I only celebrate it cuz vampires pretty much don't got any holidays-
Janos: How about Janos Audron day?
Kain: We don't even know when you were born!
Janos: Well, how about the day I died?
Kain: Which day? You 'died' twice.
Janos: I'm messed up.
Raziel: We know that already. Your gay.
Janos: I'm not gay!
Raziel: *singing* You are gay, your are gay, you are gay…
Janos: I AM NOT!
Dumah: GIMME MY PRESENTS ALREADY! *Kain throw's a can at him*
Kain: ANYWAY, as I was saying, it's Christmas-PRESENT OPENING TIME!!!
Vorador: *in a sad voice* Another Christmas full of boxes of condoms…
So they start to open their presents-let's see what "interesting" gifts they got!
Kain: Ok, let's see…human head, human head, Elder God tentacle-wait, who got me this?
Raziel: Who do you think?
Kain: OK so after that is a book on mammals-ew-and more heads…
Evelin: Ok, strait jacket, muzzle, broken time-streaming device, Moebius' staff, shrink's phone number…a Moebius costume?! Who got me that?!
Umah: *whistling*
Evelin: Remind me to KILL you later…
Vorador: I got stuff that would raise the rating of this fic.
Evelin: That's not good…
Umah: The only thing I got that was out of the ordinary was a ring that stay's on no matter how hard you try to pull it off and it keep's singing, 'you are an idiot'.
Evelin: MWAHAHAHAHA I'm so evil.
Melchiah: Everybody got me the same thing! :(
Dumah: Dumbbells, dumbbells, nothing but dumbbells…
Rahab: Heavy books and a pair of glasses.
Evelin: *suddenly notices something that almost gives her a heart attack* OMIGOD, WHO GOT ME SR3?!
Raziel: ^_^
Evelin: YAY!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *hug's him* YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANTED THIS! *run's home*
Marcus: Um…I got mittens, a wig, another wig, a BIG hat, and more goddamn hats and wigs.
Vorador: Well, your ARE bald after all!!!
Umah: Now that she's gone, let me just say that this fic is boring and who wants to know what we got anyway?
Raziel: I got a book on manipulation.
Janos: I got a bong.
Dumah: Wait, I think I got a pink stuffed rabbit-YIPPEE!!!
Everybody: O.O
Dumah: I SHALL CALL HIM-Jim.
Everybody: Jim?
Dumah: Jim.
Janos: Why Jim?
Zephon: Jim's a bitch.
Dumah: He is NOT a bitch!
Zephon: Even Janos' bong is a bitch.
Janos: Huh? What the hell does that mean?
Zephon: Hey, the author is making me say this shit. It's not my fault*start's to twitch* actually, it is-no wait-no, it is…
Dumah: What's wrong with him?
Raziel: He's not supposed to say it's not his fault.
Janos: *uses the bong and gets stoned*
Janos: *look's at his cloven hands* Whoa dude, like I got, like, messed up hands, man! *is slapped by the Seer again* Whoa, dude, do that again!
Seer: Smoking is bad for you.
Raziel: No, wait! I wanna see this!
Somewhere on the Road to the Author's Dungeon…
Evelin: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GOT IT AT LAST!!! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!!!
???: Oh, but we can.
Evelin: !!! *turn's around to see a bunch of people* Who are you?!
???: WE'RE THE EIDOS PEOPLE, NOW HAND OVER THE GAME-WE DON'T WANT NO SPOILERS NOW, DO WE?!
Evelin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *makes a run for it*
Eidos people: *they follow*
AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Now back to the Others.
Janos is having a Fight with Jim the Plushie.
Raziel: *actually laughs evilly for the first time in the series* WHOA, I JUST DID AN EVIL LAUGH!
Umah: … *stare's at him*
Raziel: *get's scared* W-what?!
Umah: *quickly turn's her head away*
Raziel: What the hell…?
Dumah: *controlling Jim's movements* GO, JIM, GO!!!
Janos: *is still stoned-he IS fighting an inanimate plushy after all!* Whoa dude, like, I'm just standing here and your beating the crap out of me with your little plushie hands and I'm just standing there, that is so cool man!.
Vorador: *drunk* *talking to Seer* Watz yer name?
Seer: … *slap's him*
Vorador: Ow.
Seer: Don't drink-it's bad for your liver and brain.
Vorador: Eggnogg…zzzippt…
Seer: … *slam's a frying pan over Vorador's head which knock's him out* that eggnog must be some strong stuff…
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Evelin: We is blue on Christmas eve, yo! Review and make us happy-you'll all get a VERY LARGE portion of land to own and great powers!!!
Raziel: Heh, Janos fighting a plushie?
Evelin: AND STONED!!! =D
Raziel: heh, heh.
Seer: I'M YO' MAMMA!!!
Melchiah: *getting a little scared* We know that already…
Evelin: EXITING REVELATION, IS IT NOT?! Magic lamps (containing three wishes) go to the first five reviewers, yep! Along with the land and powers, that is. =D
