Title: I Have Missed You

Author: DayDreamer

Email: elizden@knology.net

Rating: PG-13

Category: Mac story

Classification: Angst

Spoilers: Second Sight

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 1: Sad News

08:45 hours

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

'She really is beautiful,' thought Harrison MacLain as he watched Lt. Col. Sarah MacKenzie enter the building. She talked to one of her co-workers, a tall Navy Commander, as she entered, the two of them sharing a smile. They appeared to be friends. At that moment the Commander looked his way, looked right at him for a moment, but continued on into the building. Harry had seen the Colonel for the first time the day before. He had arrived at JAG just a minute after Col. MacKenzie and he had simply sat in his car and watched as she made her way to the building. He had left the car to follow her in, but had stopped in his tracks, changing his mind. He was still a little shocked to see her and decided to wait another day. The Admiral that entered the building with her had turned back and had seen the play of emotions on his face as he turned away to go back to his car. He had spent the past evening trying to think of the best way to do what he had to do, but he knew there was no easy way to go about it. Nothing else had been on his mind for the past month but this day.

Staring into the distance, Harrison MacLain thought back to the day four weeks before that had changed his life. He had been on his way to the office for a 10:00 meeting with a client. He had an early workout and breakfast at the health club so he had decided to go in late that morning. But he never made it to work that day. The accident occurred a few miles from his office and it had been a bad one. It was a multi-car wreck on the short, but busy stretch of interstate near his exit. One person had died while six others had been injured, some more seriously than others. MacLain had been one of the lucky ones who suffered only a mild concussion and bruising. The driver of the car that had been thrown into his was not as fortunate. He could still remember how panicked she was when they brought her into the emergency room two hours later. The doctor was preparing to release him shortly after the paramedics brought her in. He knew immediately that it was the woman driving the car that had hit his. The vehicle had flipped several times and was hit by another car before it came to a stop. She had been pinned in her car, unconscious. The somber looks on the paramedics' faces told him that it wasn't good. The fire department had spent most of the last 2 hours trying to free her from the car.

Harry took a deep breath and picked up his briefcase from the passenger seat and made his way to the JAG building.

MacLain walked into JAG headquarters and stood just inside the bullpen. He noticed Col. MacKenzie leaving what was presumably her office and making her way to an inner office. He walked forward toward the inner office. PO Coates noticed the distinguished looking older gentleman and thought that he was probably an attorney, given the briefcase. He was tall, lean and had black graying hair. He was handsome and wore a tailored suit, expensive but not overstated. He was most likely a civilian attorney working on a case that needed JAG assistance.

Walking over to him, PO Coates stopped him just outside the Admiral's outer office and asked, "May I help you, sir?"

"Good Morning, Petty Officer," said MacLain, offering her his hand and a smile. "I am here to see Col. MacKenzie if she isn't too busy."

"Do you have an appointment?" she asked, returning the smile.

"No, no I don't. The Colonel isn't expecting me."

"Sir, the Colonel usually has a pretty tight schedule. I will have to see if she can see you."

Giving a slight nod of the head in understanding, MacLain said, "I appreciate that, PO Coates."

"May I ask what your appointment entails, sir?"

"I'm sorry, Petty Officer. I really need to discuss it with the Colonel. It's of a personal nature."

Coates regarded the gentleman for a moment. For some reason she trusted him and decided to let the Colonel know that he was waiting to speak with her. "May I have your name?"

"Oh, of course. Harrison MacLain," said MacLain, handing Coates his card.

"Wait one moment, and I will see when she's free."

"Thank you."

Entering the Admirals office, PO Coates knocked on the open door, and entered. Commander Rabb, Col. MacKenzie and the Admiral were laughing about something the Commander had said when she entered.

"Good morning, Admiral, Sir, Ma'am."

"Good morning, Coates. You're just the person I need to see," said the Admiral.

"Yes, sir. " Turning to Col. MacKenzie, Coates continued. "Ma'am, there's a gentleman here requesting to speak with you." Handing the Colonel his card, "his name is Harrison MacLain, Ma'am."

Mac took the card and read from it aloud. "'MacLain, Fisher, and Madison', she said with raised eyebrow. The law firm was pretty well known in the DC area. In fact, they were well known in Chicago and Los Angeles as well, with their main offices in Los Angeles.

"Colonel, entertaining offers from another civilian firm?" asked AJ. He smiled at the Colonel's cringe.

"Moving on up to the East Side, Mac?" joked Harm.

"No I am not," said Mac, with a laugh. "Coates, what did he say he wanted?"

"He didn't Ma'am, but…"

"But what, Coates?"

"I don't know Ma'am...he said that he needed to discuss it with you."

"Well, okay." Turning to the Admiral, she said, "Sir, may I take a moment?"

AJ recalled the gentleman outside the building yesterday morning and said "Coates, why don't you ask him to come in?"

Mac was a little surprised by the Admirals request, as was Harm.

Harm said, "Okay, Mac, you might as well fess up now; you're caught."

They both thought that the Admiral was checking to make sure it wasn't another job offer so both were smiling as Coates showed MacLain in. Harm's smile faded as he recognized the man from the parking lot earlier that morning.

Mac turned to MacLain and offered him her hand, still smiling from Harm's teasing. "Hello, I'm Col. MacKenzie."

"Hello Colonel," MacLain said with a friendly smile as he shook her hand. "So, you're called Mac?"

"Yes, my friends call me Mac."

"Well, that just doesn't seem right. My friends call me Mac. I think I'm more of a Mac than you are," he said, teasing her.

"Well, stick around. I may prove you wrong," she laughed. "This is Admiral Chegwidden and Cmdr. Rabb."

"Admiral; Commander," said MacLain as he shook each man's hand in turn.

"What can I do for you, Mr. MacLain?" asked Mac.

Harrison MacLain looked at the Colonel for a moment before answering. He couldn't describe exactly what he was feeling, but he knew that he liked the Colonel. And the next few minutes were not going to be easy for either of them.

"Colonel, is there somewhere we can go and talk for a few minutes?"

"Yes, we can go to my office," replied Mac. If first impressions meant anything, Mac believed that Harrison MacLain was a nice man. And she sensed that what he wanted to see her about was important because there was something in his eyes that belied the easy banter between them.

"Mr. MacLain," said AJ as he walked from behind his desk, "why don't you tell the Colonel what you want to discuss here?"

"Yes, that's a good idea," added Harm, subtly moving to position himself between Mac and MacLain.

Mac turned to them in complete surprise. "Sir, is there something wrong," she asked the Admiral, looking from him to Harm.

AJ didn't reply, but waited for MacLain to respond. Harrison MacLain looked from the Admiral to the Commander and realized that they both remembered seeing him in the parking lot on different occasions. He knew that they were looking out for the Colonel so he set out to reassure them of his intentions.

"Admiral, Commander, I assure you I am not here to harm Col. MacKenzie."

"Would you care to explain why you were in the parking lot today, watching the Colonel?" asked Harm.

"Today?" asked the Admiral, then turning to MacLain, "You were also in the parking lot yesterday, when the Colonel arrived."

MacLain looked down for second and then faced them with resignation . "That's correct, Admiral. I need to explain. But truly, this is something I need to discuss with Col. MacKenzie in private."

"Whatever it is, you can discuss it here," said Mac, feeling a little uneasy. "What is this about?"

Harrison looked at Mac and then said, "May we sit?"

"I'm fine standing, Mr. MacLain. Why are you here?"

"Colonel, please, have a seat." It was a request and for some reason Mac found herself obeying. Harm walked over and closed the Admiral's door and then stood to one side of Mac. The Admiral rang PO Coates in the outer office and told her to hold his calls, then sat on the front edge of his desk. MacLain turned his chair to face Mac. Lacing his fingers together to make a steeple (truly a lawyer's habit) he leaned slightly forward and began to speak.

"Colonel, I arrived here from Los Angeles two days ago. I came here to speak with you but I guess I needed to delay that for a day or two. You'll have to forgive me for that.

"Not long ago I was involved in an accident in Los Angeles. It was a multi-car collision, a bad one. I was fortunate and only sustained minor injuries." Looking into Mac's eyes, he continued. "The driver of the car that was thrown into mine was not as fortunate. That vehicle flipped several times, and was eventually hit by another vehicle before it came to rest. The car was destroyed and the paramedics and fire department worked for two hours to get the driver out. They succeeded and rushed her to Mercy Memorial Hospital. But she didn't make it. She died an hour later in the emergency room. I was treated at the same hospital and was there when they brought her in. I am very sorry to have to tell you, Colonel, but it was your mother."

Mac sat in stunned silence. Whatever he had to say, she wasn't expecting this. She just looked at him, unmoving, unable to speak.

"Mac, I'm so sorry," said Harm, squeezing her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Mac," said the Admiral. He knew that she was shocked and was still absorbing what MacLain had said.

Mac stood, but she didn't move from her spot. She was trying to think of something to say, but her mind was blank. She and her mother had been estranged since she was fifteen, but her death was still a shock.

"Colonel, are you okay," asked MacLain as he stood with her. "Please, sit down. I know this is a shock."

Mac came out of her daze and shook her head as if to clear her mind. She swallowed and attempted to speak. Finally she said, "I'm okay. I … I need to go to my office."

MacLain took her hand to stop her. Speaking quietly to her, "Colonel, sit back down."

"No, I'm fine." Looking up at him, "Thank you Mr. MacLain, for coming to tell me, but I'm fine."

"Okay, but I want you to sit down for a few minutes. Will you do that?" asked Harrison.

Mac sat but she didn't say anything. MacLain did not release her hand, but continued to hold it as he spoke to her. "Will you drink a little water if I get it for you?"

Numbly, Mac shook her head 'yes' and MacLain motioned with his head for Harm to bring her a glass. Mac held the glass but didn't drink. MacLain continued holding her hand and talking to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Mac looked up at him and shook her head 'no'.

"That's okay. I understand."

MacLain watched her and wanted to gather her close to comfort her. But all that he could do was hold her hand to let her know he understood what she was feeling. Finally Mac spoke.

"She was trapped in the car."

"Yes, for a while," Harrison told her, still speaking calmly and quietly. She was trying to maintain her composure, so he didn't push her with sympathy.

"My mother isn't … she wasn't a strong person." Looking up at him with tears that she tried to hold back, she said, "She would have been … she would have been …"

"I know. She would have been frightened.

"I wasn't at the scene very long before the fire department arrived. But I did see your mother at the hospital. I was with her when she died. She wasn't alone."

"You were with her?"

"Yes, I was with her."

At that Mac did break down and cry. Harrison MacLain immediately gathered her in his arms and held her. He held her and let her cry until she was in control. He gave her a handkerchief and led her to the sofa in the Admiral's office where he sat beside her, holding her right hand still.

AJ and Harm silently watched the two, both noting how Harrison MacLain seemed to understand just how to handle this with Mac. He wasn't leaving her side, but he wasn't crowding her either.

Mac was crying silent tears and attempting to stem them. Looking down, she told MacLain, "My mother and I weren't close. She left when I was young. I didn't see her again until four years ago when my father died. We didn't keep in touch."

"I know, Sarah. She told me."

Mac looked up at him. "You talked to her?"

"Yes, I talked with her. She insisted," he told her, with a small smile.

"Sarah, I know that you and your mother were estranged and this can't be easy for you for that reason, but I would like to tell you about our conversation."

"No, I … No, don't."

"Mac, look at me," said MacLain softly, and Mac did as he said. "I'm not here to judge you or your mother. Nor to make excuses. But I would be wrong if I didn't tell you what I know to be true. Your mother loved. She wasn't the mother she should have been, and I don't tell you she loved you because she's no longer here. I'm telling you for you. You need to know and accept that although she wasn't a good parent, she did love you."

Mac looked at him and admitted to herself that she needed to believe what he told her. She had always needed to believe her mother loved her.

Harm asked the question that he knew Mac was afraid to ask. "What did you and Mac's mother talk about, Mr. MacLain?"

"Call me 'Mac'; no, you better make that 'Harry' to avoid confusion," he said with a smile at Mac. He then turned back to her, leaving it her choice if he repeated his conversation with her mother. He reached up and caressed her bent head, knowing it wasn't easy for her to ask. Somehow his comforting her made the tears flow stronger, but also gave her the courage to ask him to continue.

"What did you and my mother talk about?"

Harry reached and gave her a short hug and kissed the top of her head. His genuine concern and care for Mac didn't go unnoticed by Harm and AJ. And Mac seemed to trust him. The two of them leaned back against the sofa and he began to tell her about her mother's last moments.

"We talked about you," he said, giving her hand a squeeze. "When your mother was brought in to the emergency room, she was conscious and highly agitated. She was in the treatment area next to mine. The doctors had examined her and tried to stabilize her but there was not a lot that they could do. She had extensive internal injuries and head trauma. They gave her something for the pain, but surgery was out of the question. Her injuries were such that she would not have survived surgery. The doctors and nurses were attempting to calm her down, but unsuccessfully. She wanted them to let her leave. She kept telling them that she had an appointment she had to keep. A lot of what she said I couldn't really make sense of, not until she began to ask for Harrison MacLain."

"She asked for you?" asked Mac in surprise. AJ and Harm both looked at him in surprise also.

"Yes, she did. My thought was that she somehow knew that her car had hit mine. The nurses believed the same. One told her that I was fine and that she didn't have to worry about. I stopped one of the nurses as she was leaving your mother's treatment area and asked if your mother would be okay. The nurse didn't want to say, but she shook her head 'no'. That's when I told the nurse that I would go in and show her myself that I wasn't seriously injured. She tried to talk me out of it, she didn't think it was a good idea. The doctor came back at that moment and the nurse explained that I wanted to go in and see her. He advised against it for several reasons, but he consented since she had no family there. Your mother refused to give them any information and they didn't yet have her purse from the accident scene.

"When I went in, your mother was still agitated and I told her who I was. She didn't believe me at first but I convinced her that I was Harrison MacLain. She asked the other nurse to leave and then told me that she had to talk to me…."

2 weeks earlier,

Mercy Memorial Hospital

Los Angeles, CA

"Promise me you aren't lying to me," said Deanna MacKenzie, struggling to speak through her pain. She had a dazed look in her eyes, but she was lucid.

"I promise you, Ms. MacKenzie, I am Harrison MacLain. I was in the same accident, but I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me."

"Prove to me you're Harrison MacLain. I need to be sure. Please…"

Taking his driver license from his wallet, Harry showed him her ID. He knew that she most likely couldn't see clearly to read it with her injuries and that she didn't quite believe him.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a lawyer Ms. MacKenzie. Hush, now, and try to relax."

"I don't want to relax. Where is your office," she said in between drawing deep breaths. "What is the address?"

Harry pulled up the stool next to the bed and took Deanna MacKenzie's hand. He told her his office address and tried to get her to calm down. After he answered her, she did calm down, but she began to cry softly.

"Try to relax, Ms. MacKenzie. I'm going to sit right here, okay?"

"You really are MacLain, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"I have to talk to you. I have an appointment with you at 10:00." Turning her head so that she could see him, she said "You don't believe me, do you?"

"It's okay, try to relax."

Deanna visibly relaxed and began to speak quietly. " You have to listen to me."

"You don't have to talk, just try to…"

"Stop. I know that I'm dying." She turned to him, grimacing in pain. Harry adjusted his position so that she could see him clearly without moving and she quietly continued. "MacLain, I know what I'm saying. And I don't have much time, so I just need you to listen to me."

"I will listen."

"I have an appointment with you today. You can ask your secretary. I'm your 10:00 appointment. You have a 10:00 appointment, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," said Harry, even though it was well after noon now. "Why did you want to see me?"

"To tell you about my daughter. You don't remember me do you? You wouldn't, I've changed so much." Deanna paused for breath, then continued. "In August of 1967 you were stationed on the USS Enterprise and your ship was docked at Norfolk for six months. Your first night in, you and your friends went to this bar that the Navy and Marine boys liked to hang out at. We met there and we went back to a hotel together. My husband found me later and you and he fought …

Harrison MacLain sat without moving in shocked silence. He did remember that night. It was a night that he would never forget. Suddenly he couldn't breath, but he forced himself to keep listening. He had to hear what Deanna had to say, because he knew that was her name. Deanna …

Present day,

Adm. Chegwidden's office

"Your mother began telling me about you. She started when you were born. She talked about what you were like as a little girl, your make believe friend, your trophies, how you were a tomboy. She told me about herself and your father. She didn't make excuses, she just told me the way things were."

Harry looked down, obviously struggling with retelling the things Deanna MacKenzie had told him about Mac's childhood. "She told me about her relationship with your father, his drinking, and what it was like for you. She admitted that she had left when you were fifteen, scared and not able to take the abuse anymore. She should have taken you with her, but she didn't. She didn't think that she could look after you and herself, so she left you there with your father. She told me that he never hit you. She said that she had used that as her rationale for leaving you behind, but that the truth was that she was never good at taking care of anyone, not even herself. She still believed that you were better off with Earl MacKenzie than you were with her.

"She told me that you were a Marine Lt. Colonel and a lawyer. She talked about your military career. She followed your assignments when she could," Harry told her, squeezing her hand.

"She was very proud of you and she wanted you to know that. She was growing weak and her nurse came in to ask me if I would encourage her to tell them her next of kin. But she wouldn't and made me promise not to. She told me that the last time she saw you was at your father's bedside when he lay in a coma. She didn't want them to call you; she didn't want to put you through that again. Sarah, your mother was very ill, even before the accident. She had numerous medical problems and her medicines were just not working anymore. Her doctors had told her that she had maybe three months at the most.

"She had already made arrangements for her burial, told me how to contact the minister at her church. She said that he would know what to do. I promised that I would. She said that the minister had a box of things that she wanted you to have. "

Turning to Mac, Harry told her, "I picked up the box from the church, but I didn't bring it with me. Sarah, I don't know what your plans are, but I think it's important that you visit your mother's grave. You may not know it now, but you will need closure."

Harry stood and picked up his briefcase, opening it on the Admiral's desk to retrieve an airline ticket. He walked back to Mac and handed her the ticket.

"I bought this for you because I'm hoping you will come to Los Angeles to get the things your mother left for you. It's an open-ended ticket so you can come whenever you're ready. If you decide not to, I will ship the package to you. But I very much hope that you will retrieve it in person."

Mac looked up at him and asked, "Why, why would you do this?"

"I guess I was hoping you would travel back to L.A. with me in a couple of days. I'm going to be here until Thursday. And … I didn't know if you would want to travel alone."

Mac and MacLain sat looking at each other for a few moments, before MacLain stood again.

"Well, I should go. Sarah, if you decide to go to L.A. Thursday, you can reach me at the Four Seasons on Madison."

Mac stood, facing Harrison. The two just looked at each other, neither saying anything. Finally Mac asked him a question.

"You didn't say why she had an appointment with you. Why did my mother need a lawyer?"

Harry didn't break eye contact with Mac when he answered her.

"She was ill. I suppose she wanted to take care of last minute things. I don't know if she wanted to draft a will; we didn't talk about it. She spent her last moments telling me about you."

"Harry, when did the accident happen," asked the Admiral.

"Two weeks ago."

"Two weeks?" asked Mac. "Two weeks…" Mac looked dazed at that and Harry quickly stepped forward and had her sit again.

"Was it exactly two weeks ago, Harry?" asked Harm.

"Yes, today would be two weeks. Why do you ask?"

"Mac, you had that dream two weeks ago."

"What dream," asked Harry, looking from Harm to Mac.

Mac answered, her voice thick with unshed tears. "I don't know… it … it wasn't a dream really. I was home. I had taken a personal day. That afternoon, something happened to me. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I decided to lie down and I fell asleep. I didn't wake again until 6:00 the next morning. The day at work went by in a blur and when I went home, I couldn't stay. I went to see Harm and told him what had happened. Now I know…" said Mac.

"I don't understand. Why didn't you contact me sooner?"

"Your mother wanted me to contact you in person. I only knew your name and that you were a Marine attorney. I didn't want to go through the Red Cross, so it took me a little longer to get the information I needed. I came as soon as I could."

"She asked a stranger to contact me in person. Why would she ask that of you?"

Harry held Mac's gaze, pondering how to answer her. She had been through a lot and he didn't want to put too much on her at once. But Mac saw the indecision in his eyes and said, "Tell me. Why did she ask you to contact me in person?"

"Sarah, I wasn't a total stranger. I knew your mother, years ago. We met when I was in the Navy, stationed at Norfolk."

Mac didn't move and Harry's eyes never faltered. AJ and Harm shared a look, understanding dawning on them at the same time. They both knew the moment that Mac began to understand.

Mac suddenly stood and excused herself. She hurriedly walked to the Admiral's latrine and closed the door.

The End, Chapter One