Title: I Have Missed You
Author: DayDreamer
Email: elizden@knology.net
Rating: PG-13
Category: Mac story
Classification: Angst
Spoilers: Second Sight
Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.
Chapter 2: I Have Missed You
Adm. Chegwidden's office
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Mac lowered the seat of the commode and sat down, her face buried in her hands. It couldn't be true. Harrison MacLain couldn't be…She didn't voice the thought. Instead, she sat, alternately staring into space and lowering her head to keep from throwing up. It couldn't be true…
MacLain walked to the latrine and raised his hand to knock. But he decided to give her time to think, so he turned back to Adm. Chegwidden and Cmdr. Rabb's watchful eyes. He didn't say anything, but he realized they knew why he had come all this way.
AJ knew that this was a defining moment for both Mac and MacLain, so he refrained from saying anything. Harm wanted to go to Mac, but he waited. She needed time to herself. Watching Harrison MacLain, Harm was immediately struck by the similarities. He didn't know why he hadn't seen them earlier. Mac had his eyes, his hair, and his complexion.
AJ was having similar thoughts. He had no doubt that MacLain wanted to get to know Mac. If he hadn't, he would never have come all this way to see her and to stay by her side as he delivered the news about her mother's death. He had shown nothing but concern and compassion for Mac since his arrival. And he understood Mac. AJ recalled his earlier observation that there seemed to be a trust between Mac and MacLain, the way they talked and how Mac had accepted his support. He liked MacLain.
Harry finally stopped pacing and stood a few feet from the latrine again. Mac had been in there for over 10 minutes. She had guessed what he had been holding back saying, and now he was worried for her.
MacLain walked to the restroom door and knocked.
"Sarah, are you okay?" No answer.
"Sarah, I need you to come out and let me know you're okay." Still no answer. Harry was prepared to go in when Mac opened the door. They stood close reading the other's emotion in their eyes, neither speaking.
Then Mac said, "I'm okay."
They walked together back into the office. No one in the room spoke.
Harry turned to Mac and said, "Sarah, there's so much more that I need to tell you. But it can wait. I think you should go home now, and rest." Holding her hand, he said, "I'll drive you."
Mac looked up at him and quietly asked, "Are you my father?"
Without hesitation, MacLain held her eyes and replied, "I hope so."
Father and daughter stepped together in a tight embrace. Mac cried and MacLain held his daughter like he never wanted to let her go.
"Sweetheart, I didn't know," Harry said. "If I had known, nothing would have kept me from being in your life."
"I have missed you so much," Mac cried.
"And I have missed you."
When they finally stepped apart, they couldn't help but smile through their tears. Harrison MacLain put his arm around his daughter and walked with her back to the sofa to talk.
AJ stepped forward to shake Harry's hand and said, "Welcome to the family, MacLain." Then he did something he had never done before. He gave Mac a big hug and smiling his approval said, "I'm happy for you, Colonel."
"Thanks, Admiral."
"It's good to know you Mr. MacLain," said Harm, shaking his hand. He smiled and turned to Mac and gave her a big hug.
"Likewise Commander. But we have met before, but I will get to that." Harm looked quizzically at him. He didn't remember having met Harrison MacLain before. "But first, Sarah, there is so much I need to tell you. I don't want to overwhelm you. Are you up to this?"
"I think so. We… we may be jumping the gun. We don't know that you're really my father."
"Yes, we do. I'm sure of that. I should tell you first how your mother and I met. I'm afraid it's not a pretty story, but I want you to know everything.
"I was 20 years old and stationed on the USS Enterprise. We were docked for six months in Norfolk the fall of '67. Our first night in, we did the usual. We bar hopped, got drunk, had a few harmless fights. I met your mother in one of those bars. We were having a good time and she and I decided to leave together. We went to a hotel. An hour later, a man almost broke down the door. He was drunk, cursing and barely coherent. But he was strong and he came at me. We fought; there was a lot of yelling all around. I got the better of him fairly quickly; he was much drunker than I was. It finally sank in what he was saying. He was still threatening to break my neck for fooling around with his wife.
"I didn't know she was married because she didn't tell me that. I was not happy. I tried to get out of there as fast as I could, leaving the two of them yelling at each other. Just as I was leaving, he managed to get up and he hit her, hard. I turned back and decked him. He was out cold, so I tried to get her to leave before he came to. She didn't want to leave him, but she told me to go. She said that he would sleep it off and he wouldn't remember a thing. She said that she was sorry for getting me involved in a fight.
"I helped her get him to the bed, and then I left. I went back to the ship and stayed the rest of the night. I was too ashamed to look up my buddies and tell them what had happened. It would have been a big joke to them, but I didn't see it that way. I never told any of them what happened. I never saw Deanna again until six months later, the day before I shipped out for another six months of sea duty.
"The day before I left, I was just leaving the commissary when I spotted your mother across the parking lot. She and her husband were putting items away in the trunk of their car. Of course, I wanted to avoid them seeing me, but Deanna turned at that moment and saw me and I saw her, a very pregnant her. I was shocked. I didn't even realize that I had started walking toward them until Deanna shook her head 'no.' I stopped and she turned away. Her husband said something and they laughed. They were happy and I remember him helping her into the car. He touched her stomach and reached down and kissed her before closing the door. When they drove away, she turned back and shook her head again. That was the last time I saw Deanna until two weeks ago at the hospital.
"Four weeks after that night at the hotel, I met the love of my life, married her, and five months later we were expecting our first child. We were young and ecstatic. My wife's estimated delivery date was two weeks after I was due to return to port. But when I left, I left with a heavy heart. I couldn't get the image of a pregnant Deanna out of my mind. I didn't even know her last name. I knew her husband's name was Earl, but that was all. To make a long story short, I felt a lot of guilt and I tried to bury that guilt with alcohol. Three years later I had quit the Navy and was in law school. My wife and I both had small trust funds so we were able to attend law school together. I became a functioning alcoholic and every time my wife tried to talk to me about it, I shut her out.
At that Mac looked quickly at him. "Yes, I'm am a recovering alcoholic," he said.
"We have something in common. I am a recovering alcoholic as well."
Harry regarded her with understanding and said, "You came by it honestly."
"One day, a week before we were due to graduate from law school, my wife threatened to take my son and leave me. She sent our son to stay with friends and she laid it all on the line. My wife was my best friend, but I couldn't tell her about the thing that was eating me up. Not until I realized just how much I had to loose. It wasn't easy telling her, but I did.
"I expected her to be angry and disappointed in me, to not want to talk about it again. But she was the very opposite. She convinced me to do everything that I could to find Deanna and talk to her because the alternative was unacceptable. I started going to AA meeting and Mattie and I tried to find Deanna. A year later we had had no luck."
Looking at Mac, Harry continued. "I made a decision then. I made the decision to let go. For my family and my sanity, I had to let go. I had to assume that the couple in that parking lot was still happy, and that I wasn't the father. There was nothing else I could do. I am sorry, Sarah."
"You don't have to apologize to me. I don't think you abandoned me, Dad," said Mac. She was surprised at herself. It felt so right calling him Dad that it just slipped out.
Harry reached across and hugged his daughter, tears in his eyes. She had called him Dad, just like that. "I love you, Sarah."
"I love you, too."
That sat smiling at each other and crying. Harry kept his arm around his daughter and continued. "There's more. Not about your mother and me, but about the rest of your family. But first, let me tell you why I knew you were my daughter. I want to show you something," said Harry as he retrieved his briefcase.
Harry reached inside and pulled out a photograph of Mac in her dress uniform. "I called on an old friend of mine to pull strings to get me your service record."
Mac looked at him with mock outrage. Harry laughed, knowing no shame.
"You must have a friend in pretty high places, MacLain," said AJ.
"I'm not telling, Admiral," laughed Harry. "But Sarah, this is what I wanted you to see," he said as he handed her a second photograph.
"Oh my …This is… " Mac looked up at Harm, surprise on her face. Looking at her father, she said, "This isn't me."
"No, it isn't. That is a picture of my niece."
"Your niece?"
"Yes. You can imagine my shock when I received your service record and saw your picture for the first time. I thought that it was a mistake. But it was no mistake. It seems you and my niece bare a remarkable resemblance."
Harm sat rigid as it sank in who MacLain's niece was. He knew of only one other person whom Mac resembled so closely. He didn't have to look at the photograph to know whose picture it was.
"Commander, I believe you knew my niece," said Harry as he handed Harm the photo. Harm accepted the photo, knowing that it would be a picture of Diane Schonke. "You and I briefly met at Diane's funeral. None of us knew that you were responsible for finding her killer. It wasn't until I received Sarah's service record, and thinking the photo was a mistake, I requested information in Diane's record. All of us want to thank you for not giving up and bringing us closure. Yourself as well. I know that the two of you were close."
AJ looked at the picture of Diane then looked at Mac. He couldn't believe how much they looked alike. They could have been twins.
"No wonder you looked like you had seen a ghost the first time you and the Colonel met," he said to Harm. "This is incredible."
Harry sensed that Mac had become uncomfortable and he guessed that there was something between Harm and her. "Sarah, take a look at this photo."
The next photo was old, and not of either her or Diane. It was of a young woman that looked remarkably like the two of them, however.
"This is a photo of your grandmother, my mother. You and Diane both look like her. Now you can understand why I know that you are my daughter."
The End, Chapter 2
