Title: I Have Missed You
Author: DayDreamer
Email: elizden@knology.net
Rating: G
Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.
Chapter 4: Facing The Past
10:30 hours
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
Harm, Mac, and Harrison MacLain went to Mac's office. Curious glances from others in the office quickly turned to concern since it was obvious that the Colonel had been crying. When PO Coates and Lt. Sims would have asked if everything were okay, Harm waved them off with a slight shake of the head.
As she gathered her things from her desk, Mac told Harm, "The Anderson and Houston cases are all that I have open right now. Everything should be in the files here."
She looked a little lost as she tried to think of anything else he might need to know, so Harm quickly assured her that he had everything he needed.
"I'm sure everything is here, Mac. I'll call you if I need anything else. Go ahead and go."
Nodding her thanks, she and MacLain left for the elevator.
"Oh, good morning, Ma'am. Can we go over the Anderson case when you get…" began Bud.
"I have it here, Lieutenant," Harm interrupted. "The Colonel will be gone for a few days. I'm taking the Anderson court martial from here."
"Oh, okay," said Bud, a little bewildered.
"Come into my office, Bud. I'll see you later, Mac," Harm said by way of ending the conversation and Mac and her father continued to the elevator.
"Is everything okay, sir?"
"No, Bud. Mac just learned that her mother died in a car accident in Los Angeles."
"Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. Is the Colonel going to be okay?"
"I think so. She's going to L.A., I'm not sure when she's leaving."
Harriet knocked on the door to get their attention and stepped in, "Is everything okay with the Colonel, sir?"
Bud answered for Harm, "No sweetie, the Colonel just learned that her mother was killed in a car accident in L.A."
"Oh no!" said Harriet, putting her hand over her heart. "That's awful. Is she going to be okay? Maybe someone should go be with her."
"She's won't be alone, Harriet," Harm replied.
"I saw her leave just now. Who was the gentleman with her, sir?" she asked.
"Harrison MacLain. He was injured in the same accident and he and Mac's mother were transported to the same emergency room. She died shortly after they brought her in. He was with her when she died; they talked. He came here because he wanted to tell Mac in person."
"I am so sorry for the Colonel," Harriet said as Bud put his arm around her shoulder.
"Harriet and I will give her a call later. Do you think she's leaving right away?"
"No, probably not today. They have already had the funeral." Harm shook his head to stave off further questions and told them, "It's complicated. Mac's mother wanted someone to contact her daughter in person, not call. So it took a while for MacLain to track Mac down. She'll probably leave for L.A. tomorrow or the next day."
"Okay, sir. If you talk to her, will you let her know that we're thinking about her?" asked Harriet.
"I will Harriet. I know she'll appreciate that."
Harm asked But and Harriet to close the door as they were leaving. He wanted to think about all that MacLain had told them, but he had to prepare for a deposition. He planned to check on Mac after work.
Adm. Chegwidden called Petty Officer Coates into his office. The PO took over the job of being his Yeoman when Tiner left for OCS. He told his Yeoman the news and asked her to pick up a sympathy card that the staff could sign.
"Yes, sir. Should we order flowers, sir?" Coates asked after expressing her sympathy. Col. MacKenzie had gone out of her way to make her transition to JAG headquarters painless and made her feel at home. She felt bad for the Colonel and wanted to know if there was anything else she could do.
"No, I don't think there's anything else we can do right now. And we'll hold off on flowers since the Colonel will be travelling to Los Angeles and the flowers would be left unattended. Maybe you can get a plant for her office and water it in her absence."
"Yes, sir, that's a good idea. Will there be anything else, Admiral?"
"No, that's all, Coates, thank you."
"You're welcome, sir."
At the elevator, the door opened just as Judge Amy Helfman walked up. "Good morning, Colonel," she said as they entered the elevator.
"Good morning, Ma'am," Mac said in a distracted voice.
On a closer look, Judge Helfman noted the Colonel's distressed appearance and saw that she had obviously been crying. She looked to the gentleman standing with Mac and he said quietly, "Good morning."
"Oh, Dad, wait," said Mac, putting her hand out to hold the elevator door open. "I forgot to give Harm the other folder. I have it here in my briefcase. I... I should take it to him." She began fumbling to open her briefcase and Harry helped her.
Judge Helfman looked at MacLain just as he was about to apologize for holding her up. His expression confirmed her assessment that the Colonel was upset.
"Colonel, I just realized that I need to talk to Adm. Chegwidden. I can drop the folder off with the Commander if you like," she offered.
Harry silently thanked Jdg. Helfman with his eyes, and Mac said, "Oh…, thank you Ma'am but the case..."
"Colonel, if it's a case file, I shouldn't hear what the contents are. And on second thought, I will place the documents in Adm. Chegwidden's hands only, unopened."
"Thank you, ma'am."
"You're welcome," said Helfman. Harry held the elevator door open for her and they shared a silent look of understanding as she left.
Jdg. Helfman knocked on the Admiral's door since his yeoman was away from the desk.
"Enter."
"Admiral, good morning."
"Judge Helfman, good morning," said AJ standing. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, Admiral. I ran into Col. MacKenzie in the elevator and she wanted to give this folder to Cmdr. Rabb. And, sir, let me state for the record that I neither opened the folder nor am I aware of its contents."
"So noted."
"Admiral, the Colonel seemed upset. Is everything okay?"
"I'm afraid not. Please, have a seat,'' said AJ as he walked over and closed the door.
"Mac was just informed that her mother died in a car accident in Los Angeles."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. When did it happen?"
"Four weeks ago."
"Four weeks? Where they not able to contact the Colonel?"
"Yes, and no. It was a bit complicated."
"Oh. Well, I'm glad her father is with her."
AJ smiled and asked, "How did you know he was her father?"
"She called him Dad. But come to think of it, didn't the Colonel's father pass away a few years ago?"
"Yes, he did," said AJ with a wry grin.
"It really is complicated, isn't it?" asked Jdg. Helfman at his expression.
"But as it turns out, in a good way," said AJ as he sat in the other chair across from the judge in front of his desk.
"His name is Harrison MacLain. He and Mac's mother were in the same interstate accident. He suffered minor injuries, but Mac's mother was not as fortunate. They were taken to the same hospital and MacLain talked with Deanna MacKenzie before she died. Talk about fate.
"It turns out that Ms. MacKenzie was on her way to see MacLain when the accident happened. He was on his way to his office to meet his 10:00 appointment."
"Ms. MacKenzie was his 10:00 appointment?"
"Yes," said AJ nodding his head. " MacLain had no idea the woman in the accident was his 10:00 appointment until he overheard her asking for him. She was very bad off and the doctor's couldn't do anything more for her, and she was insisting on leaving so that she could meet with Harrison MacLain. He convinced the doctor to let him talk to her hoping to calm her down. He knew that she wasn't expected to make it. Well, when he sat with her and convinced her that he really was MacLain, she had a story to tell him."
AJ went on to tell Judge Helfman most of what MacLain had told Mac in his office. He didn't go into detail about Mac's childhood, but he did tell her about Mac's mother leaving when Mac was a teenager and that they hadn't kept in touch in the ensuing years.
"My goodness, that is something. Well, from the fact that she calls him Dad, I take it she received that part of the news well?"
"Yes, I'm happy to say. I don't think she was ready to hear him say it, but she braved it out and asked him herself. It was something, really, to watch them. I think there was a bonding between them from the very beginning.
"MacLain had pictures of Mac's cousin Diane and of her grandmother. Mac and her cousin look like identical twins, and they both are spitting images of their grandmother. Unfortunately, Diane was killed a few years back. Cmdr. Rabb and she were involved at the time; he later worked the case until he found out who murdered her."
"You're kidding me? How did he take Col. MacKenzie and his former girlfriend looking so much alike?"
"I really don't know. I was there when he first met the Colonel and by his reaction he was obviously shocked, but other than that occasion, he never mentioned the similarity. And I tell you, I looked at that picture of Lt. Diane Schonke and I would have said I was holding a picture of the Colonel, if Lt. Schonke had not been in Navy blues."
The Admiral and Judge Helfman spoke for a while longer and she left after telling the him that she would see that the Colonel wasn't called as a Judge for the next two weeks.
14:30 hours
Mac's apartment
Mac leaned back against her sofa, resting her head. Her father had offered to stay for a while and they had been talking for hours. Harry did most of the talking, telling her about himself. Mac asked about his wife and listened as he told her about their meeting and their years together. She learned that Mattie MacLain had died of a rapid onset staph infection. Harry was in Tokyo when he received the call that she had been rushed to the hospital. When he left L.A. his wife had been home with what they thought was the beginning of the flu. Four days later she was dead. Harry's flight did not make in until two hours after she died and it had taken him another hour and a half to reach the hospital. Mac held her Dad's hand as she heard the pain in his voice.
They had a late lunch and were sitting quietly together when Harry encouraged Mac to talk to him even though it was clear that she didn't want to. His daughter was a lot like him in that she kept things to herself, always believing she could handle everything on her own. But Harry knew that she needed to talk now before she let the pain of her loss coupled with the guilt she undoubtedly felt become a terrible burden.
"Honey, tell me what you're feeling."
"I don't know, Dad." Sighing, she continued, "My mother is gone and I… I don't know what… I don't know what to feel."
"It's okay, sweetheart. There are no rules about how you should feel."
"Yes, there are," she said, turning to him. "I should feel a loss, I should mourn, but instead I…"
"What is it, Sarah? Are you angry?"
"No, I'm not angry. I'm just so…" Mac shook her head, trying to stem the flow of tears that she couldn't seem to control. "I don't know why I'm crying so much."
Harry went to hug Mac, but she waved him off, "No, Dad, don't." She stood and walked to the window, looking out but not really seeing anything. Harry went and stood beside her. Sarah didn't want to be comforted and he understood why.
Staring out the window, Mac began to speak, "I was angry with her for so long. She left me. And she never looked back. Do you know what that's like, to have your mother just walk out on you? I spent the rest of my teenage years and most of my adult life believing she never loved me and trying to convince myself that it didn't matter. I didn't become a drunk because my father was an alcoholic. I just couldn't deal with her leaving. And I blamed him for everything. He tried to be a good parent after she left, but I wouldn't forgive him for his abuse and driving her away. It wasn't fair; it was her choice to leave me behind."
"But you forgave her, didn't you?"
Turning to her father she said, "Yes, I did. After Dad died, I just didn't want to carry that pain and anger anymore. And I finally had to admit to myself that for the first five years after she left, I was the one responsible for making a mess of my life. There was a lot that happened, Dad; things that I'm not proud of."
"Do you want to talk about them?"
"No, not now." Turning back to gaze out the window, Mac continued, " I never told her that I forgave her; I didn't try to reach her. I… I don't think I was ready to see her again yet. But I never…" crying softly she looked up at him. "I never meant for her to die thinking I didn't want to see her again. That's why she wouldn't let them contact me, isn't it? She thought I wouldn't want to see her."
"Honey, I believe your mother thought she was doing what was best for you. She never said that her daughter didn't want to see her and she wasn't trying to shut you out. Do you know why she made an appointment to see me? She wanted me to know that I had a daughter. But Deanna told me that if I didn't want to know you, she didn't want you to know about me. So she came to me first. Your mother didn't want to take the chance that I might reject you if you came looking for me.
"Sarah, you want to believe you're not mourning her death, but you are. Honey, look at me," he said in a quietly authoritative voice. "You don't want sympathy because you feel guilty. So, let me say this and get it out of the way. You were wrong for not making an attempt to mend your relationship with your mother. Good or bad, she was still your mother. You're not responsible for the things she did, not responsible for her leaving, not responsible for her not coming back. That lies solely with her. But you are responsible for your actions, and the way you felt."
"I know. How do I live with that, Dad?"
"You have to forgive yourself. We make mistakes, baby, and the best we can do is try not to make the same mistakes twice.
"Did you love your mother, Sarah?"
"Yes," she said crying and falling into her Dad's arms.
"I know, baby. And she loved you."
1800 hours
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
'Mac, it's Harm. I was just calling to check on you. I'll try you later…'
"Harm, I'm here," said Mac into the phone.
"Hey, I just got in. How are you?"
"I'm fine. Dad just left."
"Good, I was hoping he would stay with you. So, did you two get to talk much?"
"Yea, yea we did."
"Mac, you don't sound fine; feel like some company?"
"No, I… I think I just need some time to myself for a while."
"Okay, but call me, Mac, if you want to talk."
"I will. Thanks, Harm."
"I'll talk to you later. Bye."
"Bye."
After hanging up with Mac, Harm laid back against his pillow, still in uniform. The day had taken it's toll. He was both sad and happy for Mac. He believed she would eventually be okay and that she and her father would become close. They already were. Mac called him Dad, accepting him right away; and Harrison MacLain obviously wanted to be a part of his daughter's life. Yes, he was happy for Mac. So why the turmoil? He summed it up in one word. Diane.
In all these years, he had not once entertained the thought that Mac and Diane could be related. It should have been natural to imagine a relationship there, but it never occurred to him. The first few months after Mac came to headquarters, old memories and the pain of Diane's death haunted him. He remembered how often he would look at Mac and imagine what Diane would be doing with her life if she had lived. Of course, he always imagined that life including him. It had been several years since her death, but his feeling for her were still strong. Seeing Mac brought back a lot of emotions.
But the strange thing was, he never confused Mac with Diane, except once; that night on the peer in Norfolk. He couldn't really explain it; it was just… closure of a sort. But no, after their initial meeting he knew Mac was Mac. She and Diane were so different. I guess that's why it never occurred to him that they might be related. And later on…about a year after he met Mac, he found himself not thinking of Diane at all, but of Mac. And that had scared him; and confused him. He didn't want to let go of Diane so he kept an emotional distance between he and Mac even as they became good friends.
Giving a deep sigh, Harm undressed and went to take a shower. Later, he stood under the strong spray of the shower head letting the water massage his tense shoulders. He couldn't get Diane off his mind. Because of Harry's revelations, he had been thinking of their relationship all day. At work, he had been too busy to give his mind over to completely analyzing his feelings, but now he couldn't keep the thoughts at bay. And the same doubt kept asserting itself.
20:00 hours
The next evening
North of Union Station
Mac pulled up to Harms building and sat for a few minutes. This wasn't a good idea; Harm was the last person she should talk to about this. But she had found herself driving to his apartment in spite of her misgivings.
Harm grabbed his keys and opened his door. He almost ran into Mac who was just raising her hand to knock.
"Mac! Hey, come on in."
"Hey," said Mac as he stepped aside to let her in. Turning back to him she said, "You were going out; I can come back…"
"No, that's okay," Harm said. "I was just on my way to see you. Come on, have a seat."
They went into the living area and sat. Mac was quiet and Harm attempted to put her at ease. "Big day, yesterday."
"Yes, it was," said Mac with a quick look at Him. She looked away again and Harm could tell there was something on her mind.
"Mac, are you alright? No, I mean it," he said when she would have said yes. "Are you really okay?"
"I'm okay, really."
"How are things with you and your Dad?"
"Great," she said with a quick smile that faded.
"Mac, talk to me. Something is bothering you."
"It's nothing, really." Standing to leave, she said, " Uh, look, this was a bad idea. Nothing's wrong."
"Mac, wait, something is wrong. Come on, talk to me. What is it?"
"It's just that… Dad is looking forward to me going back to L.A. with him tomorrow." Turning away she slowly paced the floor. "I'm not sure I want to leave with him."
"Oh." Going over to her, Harm continued, " Mac, if you're worried about visiting your mother's grave, I'll go with you."
She looked up at him surprised, and thankful. She gave him a watery smile, but said, "I'm okay with that. Thanks for offering."
"Then what is it? Here, sit down. Why don't you want to go back with Harry?"
"It's a lot to take, finding out I have a whole new family."
"I'm sure it'll be okay, Mac. Your father said that they all want to meet and get to know you."
"Yea, so they say."
"You don't believe that? Why not?"
Mac looked at him silently, then looked away not wanting to say what was on her mind.
"Tell me. What is it?"
Holding his gaze, she said, "I don't imagine it will be easy for them to see me."
"What do you mean…" but then he realized what she meant. Mac saw the look of understanding on his face and continued.
"Eight years ago it wasn't easy for you."
"Mac…" Harm said shaking his head. "It will be okay. I'm sure they just want to meet Harry's daughter."
"I'm not so sure of that."
"Then talk to Harry. I know he'll understand if you want to put off meeting the rest of his family for a while."
"No, Harm, I would feel badly if I did that. I can't go to L.A. and not see them. Diane's parents live within 50 miles of Dad, and Chase lives in the family home with him. He moved in after his mother passed away. They're all very close."
"Mac, your Dad will understand."
"Diane was like a daughter to him, Harm; a sister to Chase, and her parents' only child. I just feel like… what if they're all expecting me to be a substitute for Diane?" she said, looking up at him imploringly.
"Mac…" he said, taking her hand. "I can't speak for the rest of his family, but from what I saw of Harrison MacLain, he is not seeing you as a substitute for his niece. And yes, I saw that he clearly loved her. But more importantly, I saw a man who came all this way because he wanted to know his daughter. He wants to know you, Mac, not try to mold you into Diane."
Mac wanted to believe him. But she still remembered his reaction when her Dad had given him Diane's picture.
"Yesterday wasn't easy for you either, was it?"
Harm looked at her but said nothing for a moment. Then he looked away, and standing he turned slightly away from her saying, "I was okay, Mac."
"Harm, I saw your face while Dad talked of Diane. You weren't okay knowing that she and I were cousins."
Turning swiftly back to face her, Harm said, "Mac no, that wasn't it. I didn't have a problem with you and Diane being related."
"Harm…"
"No, Mac, I didn't; I don't. Believe me."
"Then what was it?"
Harm started to speak, but stopped. He looked over at Mac with an apologetic expression and said, "It's nothing, Mac. Besides, you have enough to deal with. I think you should talk to Harry and let him know what you're feeling, don't you?"
He was attempting to take the focus off of himself and Mac looked away, disappointed.
"I'd better go," she said as she stood, turning from him to get her keys. "Thanks, for letting me sound things out." She gave him a sad smile before walking toward the door.
"Hey, wait. Are you going to fly to L.A. with Harry tomorrow?" he asked with a hand on her arm to stop her.
"I don't know. I'll let you know what I decide."
Harm sensed that Mac was upset now in a different way, and he knew he was to blame. He didn't want to get into his feeling about Diane, but he could see that Mac was misunderstanding his reasons. She thought that he still didn't want to let go of Diane even today. They were about to take a step backwards in their friendship and he didn't want that to happen, not now.
"Mac, wait."
He slowly walked away from the door, running his hand through the back of his hair before turning to face her. "This isn't easy for me to talk about."
"Harm, you don't have to explain. I understand," she said, not moving away from the door. "I'll talk to you later."
As Mac opened the door, Harm quietly said, "I don't think Diane was in love with me."
Mac turned back, her face showing her surprise at his statement. She didn't expect him to say anything like that. They stood looking at each other letting his comment sink in. It was the first time Harm had said it even to himself, and Mac, looking at him, knew he was serious. Harm turned away and sat on one of his barstools. Mac closed the door and went over and sat on the other one, facing him.
"Why would you think that, Harm?"
He looked at her, gave a slight smile and looked down again. He was absently tracing a pattern on the counter with his finger.
"Did I ever tell you that the night Diane was murdered she was on her way to see me?"
"No, you didn't."
"I know." He paused, collecting his thoughts before going on. "I didn't find it easy to talk about that night. We were going to spend the weekend together. Mac," he said, looking at her again. "I was in love with Diane, and… I thought that we might get married."
"You, you wanted to marry her?"
"Yea. We hadn't discussed it, but I thought we were headed in that direction. I planned to talk to her about things that weekend. She didn't make it."
"Harm, I'm sorry. Why didn't you ever tell me this before?"
"I don't know, Mac."
"Was it because I look like her?"
Looking up at her, he said, "No, that had nothing to do with it. But I know for a while you thought that I say Diane whenever I looked at you. And trying to convince you otherwise would have meant I would have to open old wounds. So, I didn't say anything."
"I understand. But why do you think she wasn't in love with you now? You didn't always think that."
"I don't know. Maybe I did." Taking a deep breath, Harm told Mac about his doubts back then. "You know how you can be so sure of something, but then there's just that small, persistant doubt. Instinct or plain old insecurity, I don't know; but, it was there. I guess… I guess I had planned on having that weekend together to lay to rest any doubt that I had. Doubt about whether or not Diane loved me as much as I loved her. I wasn't sure.
"We had a good relationship. And I know she loved me. But, you know, was it the kind of love that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?"
"Yea, I know," said Mac looking down at her hands. Mic had wondered the same thing about her love for him.
"I don't know what to say, Harm," reaching over to rub his arm.
"And I never knew what to think. Until now."
"Why now?"
"The things that Harry told us about Diane? Her cousin who was like a brother, her mother called her 'Annie', her imaginary friend named Sarah, she kept a diary, her uncle who was like a second Dad. All of that was news to me, Mac. Diane was close to her family, but she never talked about them with me. When I went to her funeral, I had the feeling that they didn't know Diane and I had been serious. I pushed the thought aside, thinking they were dealing with their grief. And it wasn't like I had put a ring on her finger, so there really wasn't anything they should have known. I didn't stay long."
"Harm, maybe she just wasn't the type to talk about her family. Maybe she planned to introduce you to them instead, when the time was right. It doesn't mean she wasn't in love with you, Harm."
"Thanks, Mac." He lightly beat a drum pattern on the counter before he straightened and turned to her. "But, I was just a boyfriend, Mac. Not a future fiancé."
"Harm…"
"It's okay, really. I'm not upset and I don't blame Diane. Not knowing for sure, the way she died, it wasn't easy letting go."
Mac wanted to ask him if he was able to let go now, but she refrained.
"Mac, there's something else I want to talk about."
"What is it?"
It has become dark in the apartment with only the moonlight from the window lighting the counter area. But they stayed where they sat, neither reaching to turn on the lights. They could see each other clearly because they were sitting close.
"That night on the peer in Norfolk when I tracked down Diane's killer."
He looked in her eyes and saw that she knew he was referring to the kiss.
"Harm, you don't have to explain that. I understood."
"I know you did, but…"
"But, what?" asked Mac.
"That moment has been between us. I think you believed that I saw Diane in you for a long time. And I want to clear that up. Mac, do you know that all this time it never occurred to me that you and Diane might be related? I never thought about it because I always saw you as you. I'll rephrase," at her look. "Except for the first time I met you and that night on the peer, I never imagined you as Diane.
"When you first came to headquarters, seeing you brought back a lot of memories. Memories that I couldn't bury. And at the time, Diane's case was still unsolved. Seeing you reminded me that there was no closure. But that was a good thing. It was seeing you everyday that gave me the drive to pick up her case again and not stop until I caught her killer. I suspected the XO from the beginning, but I had no proof. It was just a matter of time, and when that time came, you where there.
"You have always been a good friend, Mac, and I appreciate that."
"You've always been there for me too, Harm."
"And I'm here for you now. So, I want you to trust me and do something for me. Mac, I think what has happened here, you finding out about your father, is a wonderful thing for you. You need him, and he loves you.
"As for Diane's parents, they're your aunt and uncle. It may be a bit awkward at first, I think you'll find that they'll love you for you. And your brother sounds like a nice guy. Don't put off meeting your family out of fear. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Go to L.A. with your father tomorrow, okay?"
"I want to go. And Dad's been wonderful."
"So go. You won't regret it."
"Okay, I will."
Harm smiled at her and they stood.
"Well, I'd better go; it's getting late. Thanks," Mac said, giving him a peaceful smile as they walked to the door.
"For what?"
"For not letting me down. For telling me what I needed to hear."
"You did the same for me."
They stood looking at each other for a moment. Then Harm reached down and pulled her into his arms for a hug. They didn't pull apart right away, and when they did they held hands for a moment.
"Goodnight, Harm."
"Good night, Mac. Call me before you leave tomorrow."
"I will."
The End, Chapter 4
