Title: I Have Missed You

Author: DayDreamer

Email: elizden@knology.net

Rating: G

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 5: Love and Need

2200 hours

Four Seasons Hotel

Washington, D.C.

Harrison MacLain opened his hotel door at the knock and was surprised to see Commander Rabb.

"Harm."

"I'm sorry it's so late, I hope I didn't wake you," said Harm, noting the pajamas and robe.

"No, come in. I was just talking to my son."

"Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's quite alright, I was just about to hang up. Have a seat; I'll just be a minute."

As MacLain finished the call with his son, Harm looked around the hotel suite. It was very nice. He had forgotten just who Harrison MacLain was. Being the head of one of the top law firms in the country had its rewards. He walked into the sitting area to the left of the entrance and sat in one of the wingback chairs to wait for MacLain; the sitting area itself was the size of a large hotel room with a small conference table and other business necessities.

"May I get you something to drink," offered Harry as he joined Harm.

"No, thanks."

"So what brings you out tonight?" asked Harry as he took a seat opposite Harm.

"Well, it's… I wanted to talk to you about Mac."

"Is something wrong?" asked Harry, immediately concerned.

"No, no not really. It's just that... it's just that she's a little nervous about meeting the rest of your family," said Harm.

"Yes, I could tell. Sarah doesn't have anything to worry about. They really do want to know her."

Harm paused a moment then said, "I think that's what she's not sure about. She's afraid that they may be expecting someone like Diane; that they may see her as a sort of fill-in for Diane."

"Ooh," said Harry, understanding him now.

"Did she tell you that, Harm?" asked Harry. He was clearly troubled that Mac was worried.

"Yes, she did, a couple of hours ago. I feel like I'm betraying her confidence, but I thought you should know. I don't want this to be a bad experience for Mac. Maybe she can meet everyone else at a later time?"

Harry regarded Harm in silence for a moment before he spoke. "I hate that Sarah is worried, but I can understand. The truth is, I was worried myself when I first told my sister and brother-in-law about Sarah. Diane was their only child and to tell them that I had a daughter that looked so much like Diane… well, it wasn't easy. But they handled it really well. Harm, they're not looking for Sarah to take Diane's place. They simply want to meet my daughter.

"They've had time to get used to the similarity between the two. Where we see them looking almost exactly alike, Abbie is quick to point out the differences. Diane was her daughter; she would notice the little things. But I have talked to them, my son as well. They've all promised not to overdue it. And I'm a jealous father; I'll probably keep her all to myself for a few days," he added, laughing.

"I do wish Sarah had told me what was on her mind, though."

"She might have, sir. I'm probably jumping the gun. I guess I feel somewhat responsible for her apprehension," said Harm apologetically.

"How's that?"

"Well," said Harm, briefly looking down, "when I first met Mac, I was shocked to say the least. I suppose she's probably remembering my reaction and thinks Diane's parents will have a similar response. And I know Mac, she won't want to cause them pain."

"I see. But you were caught off guard, Harm. Abbie and Sam know what to expect."

"You're right. I should have reminded her of that."

"Don't worry about it. I'll talk to Sarah tomorrow."

Harry watched Harm a moment then said, "You care a great deal about her, don't you?"

Harm looked up meeting Harry's eyes. "Yes, I do."

"As much as you cared about Diane?"

Harm froze, not expecting that question. He didn't want to answer; instead, he returned Harry's look but didn't comment. He had been in turmoil over Diane since Harry first revealed that she was Mac's cousin.

Harry read the indecision in his expression and thought to drop the subject, but something in the Commander's eyes suggested that he wanted to talk.

"You were in love with Diane, weren't you?"

Harm swallowed and looked away. He didn't want to get into this. "Yes. How did you know?" Unconsciously holding his breath, Harm waited for Harry's answer.

"Diane told me."

Harm looked back at Harry, releasing his breath. He didn't' realize the relief showed on his face. He began to think that maybe his doubts had been without merit, but in the next moment his lawyer's instinct for attention to detail kicked in. He noted Harry's quiet expression. It was funny how he had learned to read this man so quickly. Harry had not said that Diane was in love with him, just that Diane had told him that Harm was in love with her.

"When did she tell you that?"

"I talked to her on the phone before Chase left to go skiing with her. We talked for a while."

Harm held Harry's gaze and asked his next question. "What else did she say?"

"It's not impo.."

"Harry," said Harm, quietly. "Tell me."

"Why do you need to know what Diane and I talked about?"

Instead of answering, Harm said, "She told you that she wasn't in love with me, didn't she?"

Harry looked down, then sighed and said, "I'm sorry, Harm."

Harm nodded his head slightly, then said, "It's okay. I… think I knew that."

"Diane did love you, but she told me that she thought you were maybe more serious at that point in your relationship than she was. I told her it was a good idea to find out soon. She planned to talk to you after her ski trip."

Harm stood and turned slightly away, his hand in his back pocket. He turned back to Harry and told him, "We never had that talk." He took his seat again and leaning back stretched his legs.

"She was murdered before you had a chance to talk?"

"Yes. I never told you; Diane was leaving the ship that night on her way to meet me."

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"Yea. I guess we were going to have that talk then. Surprisingly, it was the same talk I had in mind."

"But hoping for a different outcome?"

"Yes," said Harm, looking across at Harry. He didn't know why he could talk to Mac's father about Diane. He had never talked to anyone about this, except Mac just hours before.

"It happens sometimes, son."

"It didn't for you. You met the love of your life and had 30 years of marriage with her."

"Yes, and the time was still too short. It should have been at least 60 years."

Harm lightly shook his head. "I've been… so stupid, crazy."

"Why, for loving Diane?"

"No. For needing all of the answers before I could move on. I was afraid that Diane was not as serious as I was, and it… I couldn't let go. All this time I haven't' been able to become too serious with anyone. I guess I needed closure."

"And do you have closure now?"

"Yes. I talked about it with Mac earlier."

Harry watched Harm closely then decided to ask him, "Now that you have closure, what do you plan to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your relationship with other women."

Harm looked down and said, "I'm not involved with anyone right now."

"Aren't you?"

"You're referring to me and Mac."

"How serious are you about Sarah, Harm?"

Harm hadn't had this talk with Mac so he was reluctant to delve into the topic with her father. But he found himself telling Harrison MacLain things he wouldn't have told anyone else. Maybe he needed to talk about it.

"It's complicated, Harry."

"Okay. Let me ask the simplest question and we can go from there. Are you in love with my daughter?"

Harm looked into Harry's forthright expression and knew that he couldn't do anything but tell him the truth.

"I love Sarah MacKenzie with everything in me. Yes, I'm in love with your daughter."

"Okay, then," said Harry with a satisfied smile.

Harm grinned, too, and shook his head at the smile on Harrison MacLain's face. He liked Mac's father, probably because he saw so much of Mac in him. And it did please him to know that her father approved of him. He had been afraid that Harry would not believe he loved Mac since he knew that he had been in love with Diane.

"So, tell me, what are the complications?" asked Harry.

1000 hours, Thursday

Webb residence

Washington, D.C.

The place was almost a mansion, thought Mac as she rang the bell. She didn't have to wait long before the butler answered.

"Good morning; may I help you?"

"Good morning, my name is Sarah MacKenzie. Is Mr. Webb available?" asked Mac, thinking he was rather young for a butler.

"I will check. Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable," said the butler as he led Mac to the day room.

Mac looked around and was impressed. She knew that Webb's family had money, but she had trouble picturing Webb in this environment.

"Mr. Webb will see you, Ms. MacKenzie."

"We can talk in here, Robert. I would like for you to meet Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie," said Webb as he entered the room.

The butler raised his eyebrow at Webb before turning back to Mac. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Colonel."

"Thank you; you also."

"And Colonel, try to let him down easy," smiled the butler as he turned to Webb. Webb gave a slight roll of the eyes as he tried to ignore his mother's butler. Robert laughed; Webb couldn't help himself and grinned.

After the butler left, Clayton Webb walked to the sofa, still nursing a slight limp. Mac noted the brace still around his chest and on his left leg. He was also using a cane.

"Have a seat, Colonel."

"Oh, it's Colonel now. Is that what you do, Webb, marry them, love them and then leave them?" asked Mac, teasing him.

Clay looked slightly embarrassed and Mac felt immediately contrite for her choice of words.

"Clay, I didn't mean any…"

"I know, Mac." He gave her a slight smile, but couldn't hold her gaze. "Well, this is awkward, isn't it?"

"It doesn't have to be."

"You're right, it doesn't. Mind if we take a walk? I have to stretch this leg, part of my therapy."

Clay led them out the French doors and they slowly made their way to a long garden path. They had been walking for a short distance when Mac finally began to speak.

"You've been avoiding me, Clay. When I tried to see you in the hospital when you were finally flown home, I was told that you weren't allowed visitors. You weren't in critical condition; I checked to be sure. The next thing I know, you're released and sent home. I wasn't sure you would see me now; that's why I didn't call first."

"I know, you're right." Walking over to a bench and easing himself down, Clay motioned for Mac to join him.

"What gives, Clay? And don't apologize for Paraguay again. We were in that together and you weren't responsible for what went wrong. In fact, I'm the one who insisted on going in there after Gunny and got us captured."

"You do know I wouldn't have left him?"

"Yes, I do. You try to be the hard agent Clay, but your heart always gets in the way. But something has been on my mind. Why did you say that I was on my own when I wanted to go into that camp after Gunny? You didn't trust Hardy, did you?"

"No, and I still don't. The missiles were destroyed thanks to you and Harm, but I still don't know who the mole was. And I don't like the fact that Hardy managed to keep his nose so clean the whole time. He wanted out of his assignment and even told me that he would take part of the glory if the operation went well; said he would use it as his ticket out of there. But I think it was all an act. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay and get to the bottom of it."

"You think it's unfortunate that you're not still in South America?" asked an incredulous Mac.

"You know what I mean," said Clay, with a brief smile.

Mac smiled too, and then was silent. They were both stalling, avoiding the topic that was uppermost on both their minds. Finally, Clay looked over at her and took a deep sigh.

"Mac, I said some things to you that has us both uncomfortable right now. I told you that I loved you, that I needed you." He held her gaze as he continued.

"I'm not going to take it back now."

"Clay…"

"Before you say anything, let me finish.

"I've never told you about my father, have I? No, of course not." Looking off into the distance, he continued. "My father never wanted me to join the agency. But he finally accepted that I would. He was my hero and I wanted to be just like him. My mother wasn't against me joining; she used to tell my dad that it was his fault. When I was a child, he and I would talk about his missions. He didn't' tell me specifics, but we would spend hours together with him explaining the way the world worked. I knew more about world governments and politics by the age of 12 than most political scholars. And he didn't' talk to me like I was a kid who couldn't keep a secret. He let me know the importance of not repeating the things we discussed and he trusted me. It was harder on us when I became a teenager, but we got through that too.

"When I was older, maybe 24 years old, I asked him how did he deal with all of the deceit that his job entailed. How did he keep a right frame of reference when he had to live lies? We were in the family room, and he looked across the room at my mother and said, 'She's how.' Then he told me, 'Son, find that thing in life that keeps you grounded. It doesn't matter what or who it is. And when you find it, hold on tight, without apology'.

"I used to think that my mother was that 'thing' for him because he loved her. But, really, that wasn't it. She was 'it' because she reminded him who he was. I took my father's advice to heart, but last year I had to admit to myself that I had not found that thing or person that keeps me grounded. For so long I didn't need it because my job was everything to me." Sighing he said, "But, things began to change. It began to change when I realized I was in love with you."

"It makes no sense and I'm not fooling myself into believing that there is going to be anything between us. But, Sarah, I don't apologize for how I feel. I know you don't feel the same way and I don't expect anything from you. I'll get over it. I guess for now I just need to believe that something in my life is normal."

"Unrequited love isn't the normalcy you need, Clay. And it could lead to heartache. Are you really in love with me, or do you just need to feel close to someone, someone other than your mother?" Mac asked. She was moved by his honesty and it reaffirmed her conviction that he was a spy with a soft heart.

"I said it didn't make sense," Clay replied.

He turned to Mac and said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not in love with you. But it feels good, just the same."

Mac smiled at that, warmed by his confession, and Clay smiled with her. Looking down for a moment, he hesitated with what he was about to say next. Opening up to people wasn't easy for him since he had spent so many years perfecting how not to reveal himself.

"But, there is something I am sure about, Sarah. I said that I needed you. I do. I did a selfish thing taking you to Paraguay, but I didn't' think that it was a stupid move. You were qualified and I needed someone that I trusted implicitly; someone who couldn't be bought. I chose you with mixed feelings, I admit, but I needed a friend.

"I was not myself anymore, second guessing my actions, not to mention I didn't trust anyone down there. I needed a friend and I needed someone that would put me back in the right frame of mind. You've done that for me at times, though you weren't aware of it."

Mac looked at Clay with new understanding. For the first time, she truly appreciated what it must be like to walk in his shoes. Normally, people bond with their coworkers or a small group of friends. Clay's life wasn't normal and he couldn't let people get close. He couldn't share with them the things that comprised his daily life. It had to be lonely for him.

"Clay, I am your friend, always. You can talk to me. You don't have to tell me things that I shouldn't know, but somehow we can communicate. You can't go on living such a solitary life."

"I know, I know I can't. But it isn't easy letting people in; it's not even safe."

"Then we'll just have to find a way to make it easy, as well as safe. We have to try."

"What do you have in mind, Superspy?" teased Clay.

"I don't know 'James'", grinned Mac. "You're the Secret Agent Man, you tell me."

Clay and Mac laughed, enjoying the moment.

"I'll work on it, okay."

"I'm going to hold you to that, Clay, so don't think you're just getting away with telling me what I want to hear."

"I'm not Sarah, believe me. I need this more than you do.

"So, how are things at JAG?"

"JAG is okay. But I… I received some disturbing news a couple of days ago."

"What was it?"

"My mother died. She was killed in a car accident in Los Angeles. I'm leaving today on a late afternoon flight to L.A."

"Sarah, I'm sorry. When did it happen?"

"Two weeks ago."

"Two weeks? Why weren't you contacted sooner?"

"It's a long story…"

"Well, you're catching a late flight and I'm not going anywhere," said Clay. "

The End, Chapter 5