Title: I Have Missed You

Author: DayDreamer

Email: elizden@knology.net

Rating: G

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 6: One Step Forward…

1300 hours

Taste of America restaurant

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm arrived at the restaurant a little late but Mac hadn't arrived yet. She was on her way, so he ordered for the both of them. Stifling a yawn, he also ordered coffee. He was a little tired, lack of sleep. Harry and he had talked til almost midnight. Harry was a good listener and he was genuinely interested in Harm because he sensed that his daughter had strong feelings for him. They learned a lot about each other. Harm smiled to himself as he remembered Harry's words when he told him that he had resigned his commission to go to Paraguay looking for Mac.

'Well, what else could a man do?' had been Harry's response.

Harm had laughed and replied, 'Luckily the Admiral didn't push my resignation through the channels right away.'

'Luck?'

'Okay, he held it. I misjudged him.'

Harry had laughed and asked, "How so?'

'His hands were tied. He couldn't order me to go to Paraguay and he couldn't grant me leave knowing my intentions. But if I resigned my commission, how I spent my terminal leave was out of his hands.'

'So, he wanted you to go to Paraguay; he just couldn't tell you to go?'

'Yea.'

'Sounds like a smart man.'

'He is. And he's a good mentor and friend, to me and to Mac.'

'My daughter has said the same thing. I look forward to getting to know the Admiral.'

"Hey, sorry I'm late," said Mac as she sat down to lunch with Harm, snapping him back to the present.

"No problem, I just arrived. I ordered the Southwest salad for you."

"Thanks."

"So, have you finished packing?"

"No, I'm going home to pack after I leave here."

"What have you been doing all morning? You don't usually wait til the last minute." The waiter came at that moment with their lunch and Mac waited until he left before answering.

"I went to see Clay."

Harm paused midway to taking a drink of his tea, a closed expression coming over his face.

"How is Webb?"

"He's doing remarkably well for a man who was just minutes away from death when Gunny made it to that hospital. He's still wearing a chest brace and one on his leg, but he expects to have them removed in a couple of weeks." Mac began to eat, hoping to change the subject. "This salad is always good."

Harm quietly ate, knowing that Mac didn't want to talk about Clay. Since their return, she had avoided his every attempt at conversation regarding her time in Paraguay; that is, unless it was strictly about the assignment. The first time he broached the subject of the kiss he had witnessed, she had flatly told him that she didn't want to talk about it. He had pressed the issue.

'So there is something to talk about?'

'No, there isn't. There's nothing going on between Clay and me. He's just a friend. Can we drop this?'

'Sure, Mac. But tell me, if there's nothing between you, why are you so defensive?'

'And why are you so interested?'

Harm hadn't immediately answered so Mac had shook her head and walked away. But he wasn't willing to let her drop the subject now.

"So, did you and Webb have a nice talk?"

Mac looked up from her salad and saw the determined look on his face. "Harm, is that why you asked me to lunch, to talk about Webb?"

"No. I didn't know you had gone to see him."

"And that's a problem with you?"

"No, Mac, it isn't. What I'm having trouble with is you not wanting to talk about him."

"There..isn't..anything..to..talk..about, Harm. How many times do I have to say that?" Mac said going back to her salad.

"Oh, I don't know…maybe just one time that sounds believable," said Harm in an agitated voice.

Mac looked up at him and sat back in her chair, laying down her fork. "So now I'm a liar?"

"Mac…"

"Alright, Harm," she said as she placed her napkin on the table. "What is it you want to know exactly?"

Harm looked down at his salad then back at her. Speaking quietly, he said, "You kissed him."

"Yes. So."

Harm, too, placed his napkin on the table. He was no longer hungry.

"Webb's in love with you."

The flicker of Mac's eyes as she couldn't quite hold his gaze confirmed that she knew that as well.

"Did you know that when you went to Paraguay with him?"

"No. Did you know that when you came to Paraguay after me?"

"No, I didn't."

They sat looking at each other without comment for a few moments. Both had leaned forward in their seats, resting their folded arms on the table to avoid being overheard.

Without dropping her gaze, Harm quietly asked, "Why did you kiss him, Mac?"

"Does it really matter, Harm? We're.. just.. friends."

Harm looked down and answered her though it was obvious he didn't' like her reply, "Apparently not, Mac; apparently not. And for the record," he said pinning her with a sharp eye, "I consider Webb a friend also."

"Really? Then why don't you show a little more concern for your friend instead of drilling me about an inconsequential kiss? Have you gone to see him or tried to talk to him since he's been back?"

Harm looked away with a stubborn tilt to his head.

"That's what I thought."

Turning back to her in impatience, Harm responded, "You'll have to forgive me, Mac, if I don't find it quite as easy to forget that the man almost got you killed."

"And you will have to forgive me, Harm, if I don't find it easy to forget that the man willingly let himself be tortured to near death in order to make sure that I wasn't killed."

"He was responsible for you being in Paraguay and he put you in a dangerous situation. He should never have requested you for that assignment. He had agents he could have used."

"No, Harm. I was responsible for me being in Paraguay. I volunteered; no one made me go. And as for the danger, we're fighting a war against terrorism. No matter where we're called to go, there's going to be danger. It wouldn't have made any difference if an agent had gone instead of me. Don't you get that, or are you just doubting my ability to handle the job?"

"Mac, you know I don't doubt your abilities. Maybe I expected Webb to care more about putting you in danger."

"The entire situation was dangerous. It wasn't his fault. And how is it that you can sit in Adm. Chegwidden's office with Deputy Director Kershaw, listen to him discuss the situation with the Admiral and us, and still blame Webb. Kershaw all but praised Webb for bringing in the people that he did, including you although Webb didn't bring you in. He admitted the agency should have provided Clay with more backup.

"Kershaw respects Webb and although he wasn't responsible for sending Clay to Suriname, he was responsible for sending him to Paraguay. And not as a punishment. He sent Webb because he knew Clay was a good agent and that he would find out what was going on down there.

"And yea, I remember Kershaw offered you a job. And I'm not naïve enough to believe he paid the Admiral that visit just to say 'well done'. My point is, he doesn't blame Webb for what went wrong down there; why do you? Harm, you probably saved both our lives; but Clay kept me out of danger long before you showed up. I appreciate what he did."

"Alright, Mac. I know all that. I'm not saying the foul-up was his fault; only that you shouldn't have been there. And I'm well aware of just how appreciative you are."

Mac stiffened and looked at him sharply with indrawn breath. Harm looked back angrily without apology. Mac shook her head, never dropping his gaze.

"I'm tired of this, Harm."

"Tired of what, Mac?"

"This. Us. Every time we take one step forward, you find a reason to take two steps back."

"What are you talking about? I..."

Quietly she interrupted, "You expect me to go to him, don't you? That's what this is about."

"What! No, I don…"

"You said it yourself. 'The moment a man shows interest, I'm ready.'"

Harm could say nothing. He had made that comment to Mac. He looked away, unable to meet her eyes.

"I've been thinking all along that you just couldn't let go of your past. But it's my past you have a problem with. I've been so blind, but I get it now, Harm; you don't trust me."

"That's nonsense. Of course I trust you."

"No, you don't; not when it comes to men. But I guess I can't blame you. Let me see, first there was my husband, then Col. Farrow, Dalton, and of course, Mic…"

"Stop it! Mac."

"…almost made it to the altar that time. That must have really cemented your opinion of me."

"Stop it! When I made that comment, I was... I was afraid of losing you."

"Maybe. But you meant it nevertheless. If you were so afraid of losing me, you could have done something about that. You didn't want to."

"Wait just a minute! You aren't telling me you blame me for your having agreed to marry Brumby, are you? Because the last time I checked, only you could have said yes to that."

Mac gave a brief, sad smile before replying. "No Harm, I'm not blaming you. I have regrets about those relationships, but I was involved with those men because I cared about them. I wasn't afraid to take a chance on loving someone."

"And how is a man to know it will last, Mac?" Harm asked, and immediately regretted it.

Mac flinched as if he had slapped her. She stood quickly to leave, and Harm followed her up, attempting to apologize.

"Mac, I didn't mean that…"

But she was walking away. Harm hurriedly paid for the meal and followed her out. She was almost to her car when he caught up with her.

"Mac, wait."

She stopped and turned back to him as he came up to her. Without preamble she said, "How is a woman supposed to know she's not just a temporary diversion, Harm, while you wait for the perfect one to come along?"

"Mac…"

"Harm, just forget it. Let's just stop this before either one of us says something more that we'll regret. You're off the hook, okay?" she said as she got in and closed the door to her car.

"What do you mean, I'm off the hook?" asked Harm with trepidation. Something in Mac's eyes made his heart fill with dread.

"You're off the hook. We're friends; we don't have to be anything more. I have to go."

With that Mac drove off and Harm was left staring after her. He stood there for a minute in shock, not wanting to believe what had just happened. Slowly he walked to his vehicle and sat there. 'What.. just.. happened..?' he asked himself. He couldn't believe things had turned so badly. He finally felt that he and Mac could move forward and now this. He leaned his head back against the rest and said aloud, "This can't be happening."

Mac brushed the tears from her eyes and checked her rearview mirror. She had left as quickly as she could because she didn't want Harm to see her cry. But now the tears fell freely.

30 minutes later

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm walked to his office and closed the door. Adm. Chegwidden and Cmdr. Turner walked in a few minutes later; both noted the Commander's closed door and looked at each other. Cmdr. Turner just shook his head and the Admiral walked to his office with a resigned look. A little while later, Sturgis went to Harms office.

Harm quickly opened a case file and said 'come in' at the knock on his door.

"Hey buddy, what are you working on?" asked Sturgis as he closed the door and sat down.

"Just finishing up this brief. What can I do for you?" asked Harm sounding busy.

"Nothing, just checking in on you."

"Now is not a good time, Sturgis. I need to finish this."

When Sturgis didn't comment, Harm looked up expectantly.

"What is it?"

"Harm, I had lunch with the Admiral a little while ago. We dined at Taste of America."

"Great," said Harm, tossing his pencil to the desk.

"Harm, if you want to talk about it…"

"Sturgis, if I knew what to talk about myself, I would. But right now I'm still trying to stop my head from spinning."

"We couldn't hear what was said, but it was obvious the two of you were upset about something. Harm, are you involved with Mac?"

"No, Sturgis, I can honestly say that I am not."

"And that's the problem?"

Harm didn't answer at first. "It's complicated, Sturgis. What did the Admiral have to say?"

"Nothing yet. But buddy, you really do need to pick less public places to have potentially upsetting conversations."

"Tell me about it."

"Harm, what happened?"

"Just a big misunderstanding. And then I said something that I shouldn't have… something stupid."

"No offense, but that seems to be a pattern with you when it comes to the Colonel. Didn't make another comment about her ex's, did you?"

At Harm's look, Sturgis did a double take and said, "No, don't tell me you did?"

"Harm, what do Mac's past relationships have to do with you?"

"Nothing," said Harm irritated by the question. "Look, Sturgis, just leave it alone. Things have always been touchy between the Colonel and me. We'll get through this."

Sturgis looked at Harm for a minute. "You don't sound too sure. Ordinarily, I would leave it alone, but the Colonel's a friend and she's got a lot to deal with right now. The two of you are close, I know, but you really don't have a right to disapprove of Mac, her relationships, when you're not a part of them.

"What! Sturgis, were do you get that? I don't disapprove of Mac!" Harm angrily replied.

Undaunted, Sturgis continued. "Don't you?"

"No, I don't."

"Okay," said Sturgis as he stood to leave.

"Wait." Harm looked at him, then looked away shaking his head in disbelief. Looking back at his friend, he asked, "Do you really believe I disapprove of Mac?"

Sturgis hesitated before answering. "Harm, I haven't known the two of you together very long. Maybe I just don't understand the relationship."

"Don't placate me, Sturgis. I want your honest opinion."

Taking his seat again, Sturgis began to speak. "It just occurs to me that the times you and I have talked about Mac, you always mentioned one or more of the men she was involved with. I don't think you approve of her choice in men."

"Did Mac ever tell you that?"

"No. Did she ever tell you that?"

"No," said Harm, not holding Sturgis' eyes. Sturgis knew there was more.

"What did she tell you?"

"She said… she told me that I don't trust her. Not when it comes to men."

"Same thing, buddy. Disapproval, distrust."

Harm sat back, sighing deeply. "Sturgis, I don't disapprove of Mac. And if I didn't like her choice in men, it was… it was only because it wasn't me.

Sturgis gave his friend an understanding smile and said, "I thought as much. Perhaps you should explain that to the Colonel. What time does her flight leave?"

"Not til 1800 but I've got to get these briefs filed today. Sturgis, will you drop them off for me if I can get them in your hands by 16:00?"

"Will do; I should be in my office." Standing to leave, Sturgis told him, "Good luck, Harm. And by the way, I happen to know that not all of Mac's choices are bad."

"Thanks, Sturgis."

15:45 hours

Same day

Harm dropped off his briefs with Sturgis and made a beeline to the Admiral's office. He wanted to talk to Mac before she left, and he didn't want to call ahead of time. If he left in the next 15 minutes, he should be able to catch her at the airport.

"Enter!" called the Admiral.

"'Afternoon, Admiral. Sir, I would like permission to leave early." AJ was standing reading a document when Harm entered. Removing his glasses, he regarded Harm before replying.

"Why do you need to leave early?"

"Sir, as you know Col. MacKenzie is leaving for L. A. shortly and I wanted to see her off."

"From what I witnessed earlier, I don't think she would mind if you didn't see her off, Commander."

"Sir, Cmdr. Turner told me that you were at the restaurant. The Colonel and I just had a misunderstanding."

"Are you telling me you've cleared things up now and she's asked you to see her flight off?"

"No, sir, not exactly."

"What then, exactly, Harm?"

Harm looked at the Admiral and knew that he wasn't pleased with him at the moment. And he obviously blamed him for the disagreement that he and Mac had at the restaurant.

"Sir, I need to talk to Mac before she leaves. If I leave right now, I can catch her before she goes through the security checkpoint."

"Permission denied."

"But, Admiral…"

"Commander, the Colonel has a lot on her mind right now and she needs to devote her energies to what she's going through. Upsetting her further is not in her best interest. Whatever you need to discuss with her can wait. Permission denied."

Harm realized the Admiral would not yield to his request.

"Aye, sir."

"And Harm, stay away from that airport. That's an order. And if you disobey that order, I will send you to the brig. Are we clear?"

"Crystal, sir. And with all due respect, Admiral, I had no intention of upsetting the Colonel; the very opposite, in fact. And what occurred between us was outside this office."

"Are you telling me to mind my own business, Commander?"

"No, sir, I would not do that."

"Good. Dismissed!"

Harm went back to his office and just managed not to slam the door. He paced for a minute, then picked up the phone and dialed information.

"Washington, D.C. The Four Seasons hotel." He waited as the autodial dialed the number for him.

"Yes, would you ring Harrison MacLain's room, please…"

The End, Chapter 6