Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is copyright © 1992 Naoko Takeuchi / Kodansha, TOEI Animation. English Language Adaptation © 1995 DiC Entertainment. I'm just borrowing the characters and dialogue for a bit.

Narrated by the Senshi of Silence herself,

I Could Only Watch

By Ceila

Part 3 - To Live

Rated PG, Just in case

************************

Hotaru was listening to the news in her room as she wrote a letter. Her homework was done and I was curious about what she was working on. I looked down at her desk and noticed that she was just finishing her letter. It wasn't very long, maybe a page. I started reading and noticed that it was a fan letter to Hayase Shun! "Hotaru when did you get interested in sports?" Wait what was that announcer saying.

"Please welcome Hayase Shun, he stands like a shining star. He starts running and jumps!" the announcer pauses and the crowd cheers. "Incredible! He has just established a new record jump in Japan!" The crowd roars again. "He said that he was too weak and spent his childhood in a hospital. Now he's made a new record! Congratulations, Hayase Shun!"

Looking around her desk again I saw the magazine with Hayase's picture on the front. "He's cute Hotaru. I think you have a little crush," I giggled as Hotaru gave her letter a final proof reading. The letter said that he was an inspiration to Hotaru who was a weak child as well. "Your example helps me believe that I can become stronger one day too," I read aloud as Hotaru signed the letter. Neither of us heard the door open.

"I didn't know you had such a hobby," said Kaolinite from directly over our shoulder.

"Go away!" shouted Hotaru as she spun around to confront Kaolinite. "I told you to knock before entering my room!"

"You don't like me very much."

"Well duh isn't it obvious?" I shouted as Hotaru just stood there guarding her desk.

"Shun Hayase?" asked Kaolinite as she noticed the magazine and letter on Hotaru's desk. "A love letter?" she picked it up and began reading.

"Stop it!" screamed Hotaru as she snatched the letter out of Kaolinite's hands. Then she gave Kaoli an odd look. "You've been acting strange, Kaolinite!" Hotaru was catching on! I had my suspicions that Kaolinite was working with our father but I never had proof. Hotaru must be getting bad vibes from her too.

"Strange?" said Kaolinite in an offended voice. "It's you! You write a letter and you don't have the courage to mail it." As she left the room laughing she slammed the door behind her. Hotaru walked over to her bed and hugged a teddy bear tight. Her vision was blurry as she cried silent tears because of that woman's uncaring words.

"She's right I don't have courage," whispered Hotaru as she began to sob into the bears soft fur.

"No! You do have courage Hotaru. If you didn't have courage I couldn't be here. You need to believe in yourself that's all." I said to her but as usual my voice just echoed back to my own ears.

* * *

The next day Hotaru arrived at Chibiusa's house for a visit. Hotaru brought her letter along with her to show her friend. I was sure Chibiusa would convince Hotaru to believe in herself and send the letter. The pink haired kid had so much energy and love in her that maybe some of it could give Hotaru that boost of confidence she needed.

"Hotaru, I'm glad you came for a visit," said Chibiusa as she and Hotaru sat around the living room table.

"I'm sorry that I came suddenly," said Hotaru as she bowed her head in apology.

"You're more than welcome, please stay as long as you like."

"Thank you."

"Oh, hello Hotaru," said Usagi as she entered the living room. Chibiusa and Hotaru both looked up as she entered. I smiled as the energy of the princess washed over me. It was impossible not to smile or be happy when she was around. "Chibiusa, didn't you serve tea to our guest?" asked Usagi as she gave the look to Chibiusa.

"Don't worry, it's..." started Hotaru in an effort to prevent the inevitable.

"Ikuko-momma is out. Why don't you serve instead of asking me? I'm still a child," said Chibiusa as she turned back to us with her arms folded.

"That's a bad attitude, you're asking me to do something!" whined Usagi as she moved in closer to Chibiusa.

"You should at least learn how to make tea since you don't learn in school, right?"

Chibiusa was baiting Usagi that much was obvious but the fight that followed was more than I expected. Usagi lunged for Chibiusa who easily moved to the side and blew a raspberry at Usagi who clumsily tried to get back up. Usagi finally managed to grab one of Chibiusa's pigtails and then her cheeks. Chibiusa in turn started pinching Usagi. It would have turned into a full out brawl if Hotaru hadn't thought it was so funny and started laughing at them. I just shook my head. It was hard to believe that the older one was a princess.

"It's nice...I can feel that this house is filled with love," said Hotaru as she picked her letter up off the table and looked at it.

"Is it?" said Chibiusa and Usagi at the same time as they paused in their brawl. That's when Usagi noticed the letter that Hotaru was holding and the name on the envelope.

"Hotaru, you wrote a fan letter for Mr. Hayase?" asked Usagi as she dropped her hold on Chibiusa.

"What did you write?" asked Chibiusa who was suddenly right next to Usagi.

"Nothing special. I wrote it because I admire him. He was also a sick child, just like me. But he made himself what he is now," said Hotaru as she placed the envelope on the table.

"I hope he replies soon."

"But I changed my mind. I've decided not to send it."

"Why?" asked Usagi and Chibiusa at the same time. They gave me chills when the did that.

"I don't know his address and..."

"How about we take it to him?" suggested Usagi as she stood up her blue eyes gleaming with excitement.

"Good idea! We can talk to him at the same time!" exclaimed Chibiusa as she hopped up beside Usagi.

"Yes! Well, Hotaru?" asked Usagi as Hotaru just stared back at them. I felt her mouth twitch in a nervous smile.

"Oh boy here we go," I mumbled as I took a seat and watched as Usagi and Chibiusa propelled Hotaru out of the house and across town to see Hayase Shun.

* * *

"How did we get talked into this?" I mumbled. Hotaru was now being dragged, in turns, by Chibiusa and Usagi all the way to the field where Hayase was practicing. I could tell Hotaru was uncomfortable but for someone who can only watch I thought it was a rather amusing ride. I hoped for Hotaru's sake that Hayase would not be available.

When we reached the track a warning bell started going off in the back of my mind. I could feel something here but I couldn't tell if it was evil or not. The presence in Hotaru's mind was starting to interfere. If only I could get rid of the walls maybe I could have a better sense of what was happening. I watched as Chibiusa ran off in one direction and Usagi dragged us in another. Hotaru was holding her letter tight as if afraid to let it go.

"Hotaru, hurry!" said Usagi as she grabbed our arm and started running across the field. The officials who were on the field with Hayase started chasing us. Apparently Usagi had missed the sign saying "authorized personnel only" on the field gate. "Hey, you guys, stop it! Why are there so many of you chasing two pretty girls? We're trying to give her letter to Hayase."

"It's okay," gasped Hotaru as she tried to keep up with Usagi. "I'm happy just seeing him on TV and thinking of him."

But Usagi kept running and Hotaru had no choice but to follow her. When we reached mid field Usagi came to a dead halt and there was Hayase. He was even more handsome in person! With that dark hair and golden skin he looked so healthy, quite confused, but still cute.

"What's going on here?" he asked as he shooed the trainers away from us.

"Hotaru, give him the letter," whispered Usagi with a little nudge. "The letter!"

Hotaru stood there frozen just staring at him and holding her letter tight. She started to open her mouth but nothing was coming out. We must have looked like a fish standing there mouth gaping in silence.

"What would you like, miss?" asked Hayase as he moved a little closer to Hotaru.

"Hey, Hotaru... What's wrong, Hotaru?" asked Usagi as we just stood there dumb stuck next to Hotaru's hero.

Slowly Hotaru held out the letter but a daimon chose that moment to run across the field towards the officials and blew it out of her hands. As the daimon turned around to head for us Usagi started running again dragging Hotaru with her into one of the nearby buildings. All the exercise was too much for Hotaru and I could feel her chest tightening.

"Stay here Hotaru," said Usagi as she ran back out onto the field.

"My letter," Hotaru said as a fit caused her to fall unconscious to the ground.

* * *

"Wake up Hotaru!" I screamed. "The daimon has to be after Hayase. Believe in yourself and wake up!" The darkness around me began to buzz with energy. "It's getting closer to us come on let me help you." I sat down and began concentrating on Hotaru's mind. This was the time it was always easiest to get out. She put up little to no resistance when she was sleeping. Again the far corner of Hotaru's mind seemed to creep out and follow me, watching what I was doing. But I had to concentrate on my actions not on what was around me if I wanted to touch reality and help the princess.

I took control and felt the cool concrete on my skin as I pushed our body to a sitting position. I looked up through her bangs to see the daimon standing next to us. It was a rather odd looking creature with a snails shell and running shoes. I wanted to laugh but I wanted to draw it just a little closer so I bent my head down and waited.

"Are you sick? If you don't feel good, you'd better go to the medical room," said the daimon as it came closer to inspect our harmless body.

"It's you who needs the medical room daimon," I whispered as I suddenly sat up straight and raised my hand palm out towards her. "Silent Blast." The beam of purple energy sent the Daimon flying out of the building and back onto the field where I knew the Senshi were waiting for him. I could rest now and I was tired so I let go of Hotaru's mind.

* * *

I sat down on the floor and watched as Hotaru opened her eyes and saw Hayase, Usagi and Chibiusa surrounding her. They helped her to a sitting position and I felt Hotaru's cheeks turning red.

"Mr. Hayase," said Hotaru as she looked up at him.

"Don't move, just relax," said Hayase as he squatted down next to Hotaru.

"Mr. Hayase. I am..."

"I know, you're weak. I was too."

"Yes, I know."

"Even after I grew up, my childhood memories...It felt as if I dreamt of being a tough sports champion when I woke up," he spoke with conviction that stirred even my tired old soul. It's was no surprise that he had reached his goal.

"Hayase... I know how you feel!" exclaimed Hotaru. So did I.

"You're the first to have listened to me from your heart. Thank you."

Hayase shook hands with Hotaru and helped her to her feet. We all waved to Hayase as he ran back out onto the field. Even I waved. He had inspired Hotaru to believe in herself and that was something even more wonderful than a letter.

* * *

Two days later I took advantage of Hotaru's heightened confidence and truly began to live in this world. The walls were closing in on me as they grew thicker and the other occupant of Hotaru's mind grew stronger by the day. I had to act now while I was still the stronger of the two influences. Hotaru was my new life and I wasn't about to give her up to the evil forces that had already tainted our father.

* * *

Hotaru was walking home from school with a crowd of kids from Mugen High School when a familiar cheery voice made me snap my head around in the darkness. "Princess?" As Hotaru turned around I could feel her smiling as she greeted her pink haired friend with a hug.

"Chibiusa!" said Hotaru as the smaller girl smiled up at her friend.

"There's a new planetarium nearby would you like to go there with me?" asked Chibiusa as she held up a flyer with a rather cute man on it.

"Grand opening of the Planetarium featuring DJ Thomas Harris," I read before Chibiusa curled the flyer in her hands.

"Sounds like fun," Hotaru replied as she began walking home again.

"Let's go!" said Chibiusa as she grabbed Hotaru's arm preventing her from walking anywhere.

"Now? I'm heading home. I'll have to ask poppa if I can go."

"If you do that, the show will be over before we get there."

"But..."

Hotaru was quickly losing her steam in the face of a full Chibiusa assault. When this young girl wanted something it was obvious that she got it. It was the next voice that really got my attention.

"Modern students don't say such things." Hotaru looked up to see Usagi, my princess, standing in front of her. I promptly sat down and cried in happiness when Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Mercury also stepped around the corner.

"Usagi!" exclaimed Chibiusa obviously glad to see the older girl.

"Hotaru, getting side-tracked without your parent's permission isn't good," said Venus with a wink.

"Hey! Hey!" protested Jupiter as she smiled at us while trying to reign in Venus.

"Being side-tracked isn't good, but we're short on time," said Mars as she looked at the watch she was wearing.

"We'll join you, if we're not intruding," suggested Mercury with a polite bow.

"No, no, you're not," said Hotaru as she returned each one's smile.

"Please, I'll apologize to your father, also," begged Chibiusa as she began to pout and tug on Hotaru's arm.

"Chibiusa..." Hotaru hesitated before finally giving in to the inevitable. "Okay, let's go!"

* * *

On our walk to the planetarium Chibiusa introduced Venus as Minako, Mars as Rei, Jupiter as Makoto, and Mercury as Ami. For the first time since my little box had started forming I felt warm and safe. The presence of so many Senshi left us all feeling happier by the time we arrived to hear DJ Harris tell the story of the night, the legend of Andromeda. I was only half way paying attention to the story because my roommate of sorts was creating a disturbance. I placed my hands against one of the walls and whispered, "Silence Wall." My energy spread out creating a barrier around the evil I knew was there. Once that was done I began to pay attention to the show.

"...because Queen Andromeda had an arrogant and selfish mother she was sent to the sea-giant as a hostage. Her legs and hands were chained until Perseus came to rescue her. As you know, there are many other sad stories about this lady star," said Harris as he reached for another stack of notes to begin his next tale.

That's when the inner Senshi all got up and left with the princess between them. The girls each smiled in apology to Hotaru and Chibiusa but didn't say anything. I thought Chibiusa looked a little annoyed but that was normal where Usagi was concerned. Then I felt the familiar pull of the outer planets. I wanted Hotaru to turn around and look where they were going but she was listening to the show again. "Come on Hotaru just look over your shoulder. Aren't you even curious?"

But Hotaru just sat there next to Chibiusa contentedly listening to the story of the summer scorpion. I stomped my foot again causing my silent wall to waver slightly around the darkness it was sealing in. "I don't want to watch anymore Hotaru. I want you to listen to me. I want to be in control." My rage was silently building until a woman with short blonde hair and a briefcase appeared on the stage next to Thomas Harris. "What the.." I didn't have time to question as she opened her briefcase unleashing a daimon.

As the attack began Chibiusa dragged Hotaru behind the last row of seats to take cover as the rest of the crowded auditorium emptied in record time. "Where are the Senshi? I know they're here." I wanted to shout in frustration but that was not what I needed to do right now. Right now I needed to get outside and touch the world again. So I sat down and focused my power on Hotaru's mind. While awake it was harder to take control but I was strong enough to do it now, I had to be.

The Silent Wall I had placed around part of Hotaru's mind melted away as I focused my power. "To protect those I love." I whispered as I gathered my power.

"Hotaru, are you okay?" asked Chibiusa as Hotaru began breathing hard.

"Yes," replied Hotaru

My aura began to build around me, strengthening me, as I reached a hand to touch the clear wall in front of me. "To protect myself." I flattened my hand against the wall.

"Hotaru!" cried Chibiusa as she placed a hand on her friends back.

"I'm okay.it's just a seizure," managed Hotaru as she brought a hand up to her chest. "I'll recover soon."

The power of Saturn condensed around my hand attacking the walls around me. It spread in a violet spider web pattern of energy until every wall was covered. "In the name of Saturn!" The Light increased.

"I'll get you to the hospital," said Chibiusa as she stood up regardless of the battle around us. "Wait here!"

"The time for waiting is over," I said as I pressed my hand against the wall. "Saturn Planet Power!" I screamed and as the power of my planet flowed through the web the walls cracked and shattered. I could feel the rush of adrenaline fill our body as I took control.

I stood up as my aura surrounded Hotaru's body, my body, in a purple light. The warm sensation on our forehead meant that the Saturn symbol was visible once more. I tried to speak, to comfort my friend who stood staring in disbelief at me, but I couldn't make a sound. Hotaru had not given me total control after all. Chibiusa was being held by Uranus who was also shocked by my appearance. But what else was there in her icy gaze? Fear?

The daimon took that moment to try and attack me but, as most daimon's do, she missed me completely. I turned to her and let the power of Saturn wrap around her body instantly freezing her in place. Sailor Moon stepped forward from the crowd of Senshi that had been watching me and, with her enhanced powers, killed the daimon with a single blast. I turned to the Senshi then, smiling as the three soldiers of the outer planets approached me. Why weren't they smiling too?

"World...Shaking!"

"Deep Submerge!"

"Dead Scream!"

I stood there in shock as my friends and fellow soldiers threw their attacks at my fragile human body. Without my own Senshi transformation there was no hope of surviving the blast that would come. I watched as the attacks merged and sped towards me. I watched as our friend ran and stood in front of me determined to protect me. I watched as my princess, at the last possible moment, grabbed both of us and shoved us out of the way.

The shock wave from the explosion and the impact of the ground hitting our head caused me to lose focus and fall back into the subconscious of Hotaru's mind. I stood in the shattered remains of my box and screamed to the darkness, "No wake up! Let me out again! I need to know what they're saying. I need to know why they would try to kill me. Please." I started crying then. "My friends tried to kill me. Why?" Sobbing I curled myself into a ball amongst the shattered remains of my box and cried myself to sleep.

* * *

When I woke the debris of my box was gone and the walls rebuilt around me. I pushed against one tentatively and received a shock of electricity that caused me to reel back in surprise. "Getting stronger are we?" I asked the darkness. My question went unanswered but a faint sound of laughter seemed to echo around me. "Hotaru?" The laughter increased in volume as a form appeared in front of my new cell. As the mists cleared I gasped as I saw a twisted version of myself. Her eyes were completely black and her hair, longer and looser than mine, flowed around the shoulders of her sailor fuku. A black star stood out from the pale skin of her forehead where the tiara should have been. She smirked at my shocked expression.

"I am the messiah of silence," she hissed at me. "It is me that they fear." She reached for a longer copy of my own glaive and twirled it as I would have twirled my own. "Do you like your home Senshi?"

"This is not my home," I replied bringing my own glaive to my hands.

"But you have been here longer than me so it must be your home."

"I have no home," I repeated as my mind tried to process what exactly this person was saying. "Now how did you get here? Why are you in Hotaru's mind?" I asked as I tested the transparent wall in front of me with my hand and received a shock again.

"I have made this your home so now you have one," she answered as she turned from me to the darkness beyond. Her body began to fade as she whispered again, "The rest you will learn in time." Laughing she melted back into the shadows of Hotaru's mind.

* * *

Author's Note: The darkness has a name and a face but that leaves oh so many unanswered questions. Come back for part 4, Weakening, available in March for some answers.

E-Mail the author at k340029@excite.com

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