A/N: Whee. We usually write incredibly odd fics like this together. I would warn you that this fic is chock-full o' sexual content and swearing, and a few inside jokes. But it's still a good lay. So if you find these kinds of things insulting, I would like to advise you to go away. Now.

Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN ANY OF HARRY POTTER. J.K. Rowling does.

When the four notorious troublemakers hopped into the common room that morning three of them looked as though they had just discovered a horrible secret. The fourth wheel, which isn't really a bad thing being as there is generally two or four wheels on something, simply sat there. No, Peter had not revealed his homosexuality, they had known for a long time that Remus suffers from lycanthropy, James had not just admitted to secretly having a crush on Snape and Sirius was not really James' future son's father. Peter had eaten the last cupcake, and as a result Sirius had tried to kill him. This involved a long, unexplored plot line in which Sirius went to Azkaban and escaped predictably, only to return to Hogwarts in an illogical chain of events that made no sense. Since the reader is obviously -very- confused at this point, let's have another character enter, shall we, and m ove this thing along? Therefor, for the sake of the reader and author's sanity, the four suddenly looked up to see:

A big-chested, beautiful girl who was very beautiful.

"Hello. My name is Olga. I come from Sveeeeeden!", she said cheerfully, her eyes going up in a '^_^' position.

The four noticed that she was wearing a little tiny dress and liederhosen, her blonde hair in braids. Sirius gaped at her, drool dripping out of the corner of his mouth. James, who had a very similar expression on his face, glared at Sirius and used his magical best friend telepathic communication skills to tell Sirius to back off. Five minutes later, this exchange resulted in Sirius and James rolling around on the floor strangling each other. Olga blinked and decided to change her clothes. ....In front of everyone. Of course, Remus was reading, Peter was eating, and James and Sirius had stopped fighting and had a gay drunken affair. Poooor Olga. And just then, guess who entered the room? Why, no other than..

Barry Manilow! Yes, Barry Manilow. Aren't you awed by my casting choices now? Of course you are. Anyway, as Remus read, James and Sirius had wild gay sex, Peter ate, and Olga whacked off quietly to Tatu songs in the corner, Barry Manilow burst into.

"Ta-dah!" he proclaimed loudly, bowing.

Remus was the only one who looked up.

"Barry Manilow? An American seventies pop sensation? You think -that's- impressive? We've got the future Pamela Anderson in the corner," stated Remus blankly.

Barry ignored him and burst into song. "Ooooh Mandy," he slung an arm around Remus' shoulder, "well you caaame and you gaaave without taaaaking, but I sent you awaaay, oh Mandy.."

Remus slid out from under Barry's arm and returned to reading his book which was titled "SO YOU'RE THE ONLY SANE ONE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE". Barry glared. Sirius looked up from James' ass and stared at Barry.

"Can I help you?"

An incredibly disturbing expression fell over Barry's face, and he began to breathe heavily. "Yes........you see..........Remus. ....I am........your father."

Remus blinked. "Er........ 'kay"

"But..aren't we going to embrace or...cry or....anything?"

"I am reading, fux0r."

"God. You're just like your mother. And to think I wanted to record an album with you." Barry huffed and stood up, stomping out the door.