In the party
I had infiltrated the party security system (okay I walked through the door but it doesn't sound as dramatic) and had eye's firmly locked onto my target. I needed some Dutch courage before I approached him so I grabbed another drink (even though rational thought was already becoming difficult). I looked at him over the top of my glass as he watched Jean dance with Scott; jeez if his tongue was hanging out so far I'm surprised it didn't get carpet burn.
I walked unsteadily over to him.
"You alright kid?" He asked worriedly
I nodded feeling slightly stupid I knew I probably stunk of puke.
I sat beside him silently and watched as his jaw tensed and untensed as he watched Jean glide elegantly in the arm's of the X-men's fearless leader.
"How where the kids?" He asked turning his attention away from the red head (who was gaining weight to the extent that rumour had it she was pregnant-so what if the rumour began with Jubes!)
"Okay except for the riot" I said taking a sip of my drink, I felt stupidly nervous
"How did ya get on paintin' the blackbird?"
I gulped just how much did he know? "Okay"
I felt immensely sad as I watched Jean spin in Scott's arms knowing that I could never have that kind of relationship with anybody, because you would need trust and that was something that had been stripped from me on Valentines Day, it felt like an age ago even though it hadn't even been a year. Loyalty, honesty, trust seemed nothing but a sham to me now. I suddenly felt incredibly old, wise but in an unhappy almost twisted manner. I felt the back of my eye's prickle with tears which I fought back, hell I was drunk that was the only reason I wanted to cry…at least that's what I told myself.
"I'm am not weak!" I murmured inaudibly reminding myself why I shouldn't cry.
"I never said ya were" I had forgotten about Wolverines hearing
I ignored him thinking back to Valentines Day, something I tried so hard to forget. My heart felt like stone, it was like I couldn't breathe I felt panic rise in the pit of my stomach. I had to get of there.
I got up and walked as fast as I could to the terrace. I griped the white banister in an iron grip and gulped in air like someone who'd just broken to the surface of the water after being submerged for almost too long. I don't know how long I stood there just staring blankly ahead trying to forget.
Warm breath on my neck brought me back to reality.
"What's wrong with ya kid?"
"Don't you ever give up?" I asked tiredly I just wanted to give up.
"Talk to me!" he demanded
"I'm drunk and I feel sick!" I lied
"Don't lie to me you know better than that!" He growled "Now tell me"
I sighed "I probably wouldn't tell you this if I wasn't drunk but everyone likes to think I'm fixed, but I'm not, I probably never will be." I knew that he was gonna think I was weird; I knew he'd forgotten about Valentines Day.
"I know kid I know" I was surprised by the sympathetic tone in his voice.
"Some time's I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no ones listening then I realise it's too late." I looked down at my hands still gripping the white banister
"Too late?" He sounded puzzled
"Too late for me to ever be normal, too late for me to ever me more than a mediocrity, too late for me to ever fit into Xavier's perfect plan, to late for me to ever find someone to love the imperfections take your pick" I said bitterly spinning around to look at the man who was only an inch taller than myself. I suddenly felt stupid I never, NEVER spoke about how I was feeling. Bloody drink I cursed! It made me let my guard down
"Don't think that kid, don't ever think that!" He sounded angry now
"Look ignore that I'm just drunk…."
"A dunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts!"
"Your to darn short to be turning in to Hank" I joked but no one laughed
I turned to leave but he grabbed my wrist
"You ain't any of those things you know!"
"What things? A mediocrity, a cock tease, a stupid fool who can't control herself and drinks to forget." I looked at him angrily "You know I'm all of the above!!"
"A cock tease?"
"Why else did he rape me, I lead him on I kissed him!"
""That isn't true, it ain't your fault the punk couldn't take no for an answer!"
"Even if that was true I'm still tainted, dirty ol', used goods!"
"Is that really how you see yourself?" He looked at me sadly trying to hug me
"Don't you dare pity me!" I yelled "I don't need your pity! I am what I am and I have to deal with that myself!! I don't need anyone else."
I marched off into the garden shrouded by darkness "Don't follow me!" I yelled sensing him about to make a move to chase after me "Please!"
On the terrace
I stared after her dumbfounded. I never knew the girl was capable of this much emotion let alone concealing it. To me (and even her team-mates) she was always calm collected Ashley's who's only emotion was mild anger, she seemed untouchable almost like the world around her could collapse and she would be unaffected, she'd adjust, the way she always did. I thought she had adjusted this time… I really did but it was all an act. I felt like both the betrayed and the betrayer, I should have realised but she should have…could have told me. Was I really that unapproachable? I thought we were pal's, I remembered her use of my name "…Logan…" just before she left for England it felt so warm. I had penetrated her brisk, business like, aloof shell…then she had come back and it was plain ol' Wolverine again.
I looked after her into the dark night, I wanted to go confront her, corner her so she would open up and let all that pain seep away but I knew that would be the worst thing to do, it would make me almost as bad as him forcing her to do something against her will and that ain't my style. I walked back to the Retribution X wing and knew that when she wanted to talk she would have to come to me, in the same breath I knew that that might be never.
I opened the door and the smell of puke hit me.
"Ashley thank god your back…" Jubes said skidding to a halt in front of me "Oh hi Wolvie I thought you was Ashley, would you like something to drink?" She asked chirpily
"Nah thanks kiddo I just want to sleep" I said heading for the stairs
"Say Wolvie you sure you wouldn't rather sleep in your old room back with the X-men tonight?" The kid looked shifty
"No" I growled getting to the top of the stairs; I bet she didn't want me going back to my room I said flinging open the door. They'd sure done a good job tidying the place up but I could smell vomit, it hung in the air like heavy velvet I covered my nose. There were no visible traces of the sick save the faint marks on the floor where they had scrubbed it clean, I was surprised in their drunken state that they hadn't used bleach or something hair brained like that.
I followed my nose to my drawers, which apparently they had over looked, I felt a berserker rage coming on but I was going to be calm for the sake of Ashley who no doubt instigated the clean up plan.
SNICKT "Jubilee oh Jubilee!" I shouted in my best macho sing song voice.
