Title: Complicated

Author: AAV

Feedback: Please! Alexis2100@hotmail.com

Summary: Romance, especially when you work at the White House, is never easy.

Rating: PG, for slight sexual innuendo and mild language

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it… The West Wing, Aaron Sorkin, the songs featured in the story, not any of it. This is just my humble attempt to create a story I would have liked to seen played out on screen. No infringement was intended.


Chapter 4: Alone in the Garden

Sam and Ainsley started walking at a leisurely pace, heading in the general direction of the White House.

"So," Sam began, "are you tired?"

"A little," Ainsley responded, "but it's such a beautiful night, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for sleep yet." Or to be alone, she added silently.

"Me neither," Sam replied smiling. "Do you want to go..." he laughed. "I don't really know what there is to do at midnight on a Friday night."

Ainsley laughed. They were nearing the White House now. "Why don't we take a walk through the rose gardens?"

"As long as you watch for freshly painted benches."

Ainsley swatted him lightly on the arm, while Sam's mind drifted to the sight of Ainsley in a bathrobe dancing in her office. He decided to change the subject before… things got out of control.

"What were you and Donna talking about?"

Ainsley studied him briefly, before deciding to tell him. "I told Donna that Josh was in love with her."

"What?!" Sam exclaimed, "Did Josh tell you this?"

"Sam, you know as well as I do that it's true, and Donna so much as admitted to me that she's in love with him! I just told her that they needed to get it out in the open. They can't go on like this forever, neither of them telling the other how they feel. I've been on the receiving end of that before and it's no fun." She paused and Sam could see the hurt in her eyes. "They have a chance at true happiness and I'd hate to see them lose it over Josh's stupidity or Donna's stubbornness. It's almost happened already. You only get so many chances at true love."

Sam had never seen Ainsley so passionate about something other than politics. They'd rarely talked about anything other than politics. It was at that moment that Sam decided he wanted to know everything about Ainsley Hayes.

"What happened?"

Somehow Ainsley knew instinctively what he was talking about.

"My ex was… a lot of things," she sighed. "It really just came down to the fact that he was immature. He wouldn't talk to me. We'd have a problem and he wouldn't talk. He'd ignore me, sometimes for weeks on end, thinking that would somehow resolve the situation while I was left to figure things out on my own. I was young, it was my first real relationship, and it was terrible.

"And then when I found out why he wasn't talking to me… He said that I was starting to bore him, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he ignored me instead… He really hurt me."

Sam moved over to Ainsley and led her over to a bench, where they sat. Ainsley leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, and placed her chin on her clasped hands.

"It wasn't so bad being in the relationship, at first, before he started pulling his "I'm not speaking" trick. It was really the end that hurt the most. We were living together, a bad move I admit, and one day I came home and he had taken all of his stuff from our apartment. No note, nothing. I was left totally alone, in an apartment that I couldn't afford by myself, with no explanation and no word from him."

"Eric and I were in graduate school together. After he left, I buried myself in school work, in my job. I tried to forget. Then I saw him on campus and I sort of lost it. I hammered into him asking how he could have possibly thought what he did was okay. I asked him if he realized just how much he hurt me. And he just turned to me and said "Ains, get over it." I was furious and hurt. Hurt more than I thought was humanly possible." Ainsley paused, a flood of emotions coming back to her. She had tried to put that day from her memory, but now the pain seemed fresh and new. She fought back the tears that threatened to come. "I will not cry in front of Sam. I won't," she told herself. She inhaled deeply, then spoke softly, "I haven't really been in any relationships since then."

"Ainsley…" Sam whispered, placing a comforting arm around her back, pulling her closer to him. He hated that anyone could cause her this much pain, but he didn't know what to do. He knew that Ainsley wasn't one to express her emotions openly or frequently. He wanted to let her continue, to tell him what she had gone through, but he also wanted to take her into his arms and tell her that she will never be hurt again. He wanted to tell her that he would never hurt her, that he would love her forever… Sam sat up straight as the realization set in.

Ainsley turned to look at him, surprised at the loss of his arm around her. Sam looked at her, unsure of what to say. He held her gaze for a few moments, feeling a blush creeping into his cheeks. Ainsley wondered what he was thinking and held his gaze, a quizzical expression on her face. She didn't know how much time had passed since either of them spoke, but she felt the sudden need to fill the space. She felt that it was time to open herself to Sam Seaborn.

"Have you ever felt like you've become the palest version of yourself? It's like the feeling of being incredibly attracted to someone and they don't reciprocate and you don't understand how you could feel so strongly toward them and not have them return the feeling. You end up feeling like there's something wrong with you. They appear to you in their brightest, all glory, while you stand there in muted tones waiting for the slightest hint that they feel the same way. Every move they make sweeps the sky with color, color they've drawn from you. I'm tired of feeling like that. I'm tired of being pale."

Sam looked at her, eyes wide. He hesitated a moment, his mind reeling. Seconds passed, that seemed like an eternity to Ainsley before Sam finally spoke. "So am I."

The faintest hint of a smile passed Ainsley's lips as she closed the distance between her and Sam.

"Excuse me!"

Ainsley and Sam shot up from the bench and stared at the Secret Service agent that interrupted their almost kiss. They both tried hard not to look like two teenagers caught necking in the back of a car.

"The President would like to know if there's a problem, Mr. Seaborn. He saw you sitting outside and was afraid that something might be wrong," the agent explained.

Sam tried to speak, but couldn't, cleared his throat and tried again. "No, Agent Wilcox, everything is fine. Ms. Hayes and I were just about to leave. Thank you."

The agent nodded then departed, leaving Sam frustrated and Ainsley embarrassed.

"Sam, I think that I should leave," Ainsley said abruptly, heading out of the gardens.

"Ainsley, don't do this. Don't shut me out."

"It's late, I have work to do in the morning… Please, take me home?" Ainsley felt flustered. She had gotten too close to Sam too quickly and couldn't afford being hurt. She had to be certain of his feelings for her before she would let her guard down again. Reluctantly, Sam nodded and they headed to his car.

~*~*~*~

Sam unlocked the car doors and they both silently got in. He pulled out of the garage, following Ainsley's softly spoken directions. Once she told him where to go, she ceased speaking, and silence once again filled the car. Unable to tolerate it anymore, Sam turned on the radio.

I'm so scared that the way that I feel
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh, we used to hug
The way that old friends do
But now a smile and a touch of your hand
Just make me come unglued

"I know how that feels," Sam thought. He glanced at Ainsley. She was staring out the window apparently lost in thought. He wanted to reach out to her, to touch her, to say something that would get them past this awkwardness. Ainsley had been hurt deeply with her last relationship, and Sam wanted nothing more than for her to believe that love could last. And he wanted to be the one to prove it to her.

It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth?
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you?

It's so complicated - I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close- I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go - I wanna make you stay
Should I say it - Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know - But then again I don't
It's so complicated.

Complicated. Ainsley laughed quietly. "You have no idea…" she thought. She could feel herself falling hard for Sam and she was afraid. She had felt so alone when she first came to Washington to work in a White House full of what to her had always been the enemy. And while everyone in the west wing had made her feel welcome, no one had been as kind to her as Sam. He defended her when Brookline and Joyce came after her. He came to visit her in her little hovel, bringing her intellectual stimulation and cookies. He made her feel needed, and she liked it… But she couldn't afford to lose her heart again. She wouldn't go through that pain again. And on top of everything, they worked together. In the White House. And he was a democrat. Definitely complicated.

Just when I think I'm under control
I think I finally got a grip
Another friend tells me that
My name is always on your lips
They say I'm more than just a friend
They say I must be blind

Sam thought of Josh. Ainsley thought of Donna. They turned to look at each other and smiled. Sam spoke softly. "This song… kind of sounds familiar, doesn't it?"

Well I admit that I've seen you watch me
From the corner of your eye
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess
But think of what I'd be losing
If your answer wasn't yes

Ainsley's heart raced as she listened. "Yeah, it does sound familiar. It reminds me of…" she paused. What should she say? It reminds me of us? It's exactly what I've been thinking?

"Josh and Donna," Sam finished for her.

Ainsley shrugged back down into her seat. "Yeah, I was just thinking that." Well, she had been thinking about Donna. She had been thinking about how Donna had told her time and time again that Sam was interested in her. Just like she had told Donna that Josh was in love with her. But it had been obvious to her that Josh loved Donna and that she loved him as well. She remembered, though, how Donna had always seemed so oblivious to it. "It's always the ones in love who are the last to know," Ainsley mused. "So maybe Sam does have feelings for me. He definitely acted like it tonight, but there are other times… Oh, I just don't know." She nearly grunted with frustration, and went back to concentrating on the song.

It's so complicated - I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close - I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go - I wanna make you stay
Should I say it - Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated.

Ainsley didn't think that there had ever been a time in her life when she had connected so wholly with a song. Every word reminded her of what she felt for Sam; of every emotion she had felt since she first met him. Love was always complicated, but what Ainsley couldn't decide was whether or not she was willing to take the risk and tell Sam how she felt. Suddenly, Ainsley realized the car had stopped. They were at her apartment.

She turned to look at Sam, unsure of what to say. There was so much left unspoken in the air between them. She wanted to explain to Sam exactly what she was thinking, but she couldn't find the words. Somehow, this man made her usually outgoing and headstrong personality disappear so that she was left with the least self-confident part of her self.

I hate it 'cause I've waited
So long for someone like you

"I'll walk you to your door," Sam finally spoke, somewhat unnerved at the fact that Ainsley had been staring at him for the last few minutes, obviously thinking seriously about something.

"Thank you," Ainsley managed to get out as she opened the car door and stepped back into the cool night air.

They walked the short distance to Ainsley's apartment, Ainsley's signaling when they had reached her door.

"This is it," she said, turning to face Sam. He stuffed his hands in his pants pockets, and rocked slightly on his heels until he noticed the quizzical expression on Ainsley's face.

"What?" he asked.

"It's just that…" she began, smiling slightly. "That's a very 'Josh' move. He does it when he's nervous…" she trailed off, wondering if Sam could be as unsure of what to do as she was.

"Oh," Sam replied, looking away from Ainsley. He was surprised that she seemed to know him so well. He was nervous. No, he was terrified. As much as he didn't want it to, he knew this evening was going to end. He just wasn't sure how. He only knew he really, really wanted to kiss her. "I guess I've been spending too much time with Josh," he added, clearing his throat, feeling a blush creep into his cheeks.

An uncomfortable silence passed as they climbed the steps to her front door. Sam absently took Ainsley's hand into his, wanting to be near her physically, if he couldn't bring himself to tell her how he felt emotionally.

"Well," Sam said, clearing his throat again as they reached the door. "I guess… Um…" he, the famous speechwriter who wrote some of the President's greatest speeches, couldn't figure out how to say good night.

"Good night, Sam," Ainsley said, as if reading his mind. She squeezed his hand, gazing into his bright blue eyes, sighing on the inside. God, she had fallen hard. She tore herself away from his gaze, and turned to leave, her heart racing.

Should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh I want you to know
But then again I don't

"Ainsley!" Sam surprised himself with the raw emotion that came across in that one word. She turned around and Sam drew her close, reaching out to touch her soft, golden hair, memorizing how it felt. He cupped her face in his hands, passion building between them until it was palpable.

"Ainsley." It was not much more than a whisper. A fire of emotions ran through Sam and exploded within Ainsley the moment their lips touched.

It's so complicated