Forgive me for this instalment (I needed something to
distract me from imminent degree failure) and as always thank you all so much
for the encouragement: you make a very stressed student very happy. ;o) Evidently I was too pleased with the joke for September 25th
to bother making the rest of it funny - hope you enjoy it anyway.
This Miserable Diary Belongs To: L'Aigle de Meaux (or whatever you
want to call him)
(Dedicated to Bossuet's biggest fan Grayswandir, should she ever happen
to stumble upon this…)
September 14th, 1827
University of Paris bit of a let-down in general. Still, cannot complain too much as strictly speaking lucky
to be alive after being run over fourteen times since getting here. Consequently have spent Freshers Week
on crutches, worth it for comic effect alone really.
September 15th, 1827
Have met rather spiffy-looking blond revolutionary who wrote "Will you join in
my crusade" on my plaster cast.
Think this may be a good idea, as may acquire entire band of insurgents
willing to hold my hand when crossing roads.
Plus, would not mind getting into aforementioned blond revolutionary's pants.
September 25th, 1827
Joy, exquisite rapture, etc etc etc.
Am head-over-sprained-ankles in love with hypochondriac medical student
with disproportionate number of Ls in his name. He said "I like the way you grow your hair", I said "I like
the way you always sneeze". Am
smitten.
December 25th, 1827
Burnt entire house down attempting to set Christmas pudding on fire. V. impressive effect, but not for the
congenitally mal-coordinated.
Does not state this on the label.
May sue once in possession of law degree.
On the bright side, now have perfectly acceptable excuse for shacking up with
Joly.
December 26th, 1827
Have Joly's flu. However, have not
yet died in fit of Enjolras-inspired insurrectionist fervour, so not
complaining.
April 18th, 1828
Chucked out of law school most unceremoniously. Fortunate really as would never have made v. good lawyer
what with being a Harbinger of Doom and all. Will apply for nice safe study course instead e.g.
pyrotechnics.
April 23rd, 1828
Met random confused-looking boy while standing around on street corner waiting
for someone to help me cross the road.
Thought it may have been worth trying to get into his pants but
Courfeyrac seems to have got there first.
Joly pointed out he was never mine to lose so why regret what could not
be. Hmph.
Suspect Joly would die of a broken heart if I left him anyway. Either that or gastroenteritis; hard to
tell with Joly.
June 3rd, 1831
Arrested on suspicion of being suspicious by grumpy and flagrantly insane bloke
with v. impressive sideburns while buying zoom-lens Polaroid camera for
Marius. (Some v. odd stalker type
people hanging round the J de L lately apparently.) Appreciate necessity of increased security but could ideally
do without consequent fortnight in prison.
August 23rd, 1831
Rather thought someone would have bailed me out by now. Still, have not
lost/broken/accidentally set fire to anything at all for entire month. Am terribly proud.
December 12th, 1831
Have noticed disturbing habit Grantaire has of slumping over tables looking v.
unhealthy indeed. One of Joly's
myriad maladies? Sincerely hope
Grantaire has not been sleeping with Joly as well, as technically means I would
be sleeping with Grantaire by association.
Not sure even I would survive that.
Although, not dead so far, so who knows?
June 3rd. 1832
Lamarque dead. Evidently even more
unlucky than me, since despite quite astonishing amounts of pre-revolution
shenanigans am shockingly not yet dead.
June 4th, 1832
Amazed. Still not dead. Only a matter of time, according to
Joly. Am worried about his hay
fever, will undoubtedly get him before the carbines do.
Later
Still not dead. Beginning to
entertain possibility we may all actually be immortal.
Later still
Combeferre suggested lack of death due less to putative immortality than to the
fact that we've done absolutely diddly-squit so far.
Smartarse.
June 5th, 1832
Not dead but feeling v. squishy about Joly. Do not like to face fact that being drugged up to the
eyeballs on Lemsip will probably not protect him against gunfire.
Although, may give it a go myself on reaching scared shitless status.
Ten minutes later
Have third degree burns over numerous body parts after accident with boiling
Lemsip. May tell Enjolras was
blown up by Marius in one of his fits of powder-keg masculinity: sympathy vote
may be only possible route into his pants this late in the game.
Later still
V. bored. Courfeyrac running round
pinching random people's bottoms; Enjolras repeating "have faith in yourselves
and don't be afraid" on loop even though only threat to barricade so far has
been a low-flying pigeon.
Needless to say, have been scrubbing pigeon poo out of tricolour sash for last
ten minutes.
Later still
Cannot stand any more of Prouvaire's poetry. Off for mid-insurrection carbine-spanking sesh with Joly.
Even later
Wondering how best to tell Enjolras have broken a) carbine and b) Joly's left
leg. Certainly not going to get
into his pants at this rate.
On the plus side, still not dead.
Amazing!
June 6th, 1832
Have bayonet through indeterminate vital organ. Cannot really complain as
will die with considerably more dignity than Joly who, on seeing aforementioned
bayonet wound, turned green, screamed like a thirteen-year-old girl, and
fainted into Enjolras' arms.
Some people have all the luck.
