Author's Note: Wheeeee! I'm back.
Darkling Thrush - Thanks for your review!
Disclaimer - I did not write the Lord of the Rings. I am not Tolkien, although I might look like him if you dress me up like an old dead guy. I also do not mean to mock Tolkien's original works, although he probably hates people like me for tearing apart one of the greatest accomplishments of the twentieth century.
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Nine
Pippin followed Aragorn merrily as the man darted from tree to tree. Pippin vaguely remembered Aragorn saying something about a tree that would be the savior of Gondor, but Pippin didn't really care much about things like that. As long as he had his weed, he was happy. I mean, his pipe.
"Aragorn," Pippin sighed happily, "this reminds me of the good old days. Do you remember? The nine of us trotting happily through Moria and almost getting killed by that fire dude. Those were the days, I tell you."
A look of confusion fell upon Aragorn's face. "Moria? Well, it probably did happen, but I have a very short-term memory, you see. I don't really remember anything that doesn't concern my hair. By the way, what am I looking for?"
"Something about a tree?" Aragorn was seriously starting to scare Pippin. He had a burning desire to run as fast as his little hobo legs could carry him.
"Right you are, mate!" Aragorn clapped his hand with glee. "Arwen told me to find a tree that would save us all. Wait a second. I thought destroying that ring would be the thing that would save us all. Was the ring incarnated into the tree?"
"You said something earlier about restoring Gondor."
"Right. Well, we shall just have to see when we find the tree, shan't we?" Aragorn turned in circles, pretending to look for the tree. He really just liked spinning because it reminded him of Ring around the Rosie.
"Are there any distinguishing features that might help us recognize the tree of which you speak?" Pippin asked curiously.
Aragorn stopped spinning. He fell over, laughing, and looked up at Pippin. "Those were some big words. I didn't understand a single word in that sentence."
Pippin thought for a moment. "Yeah, I didn't understand it either. I heard it on a nature show. What exactly does distinguishing mean?"
"Hell if I know," Aragorn shrugged. "Now we must return to the subject of the tree. Arwen will beat the hell out of me if I don't come home with it."
"Aragorn, are you in a controlling relationship?" Pippin shook his head sympathetically.
Aragorn thought for a moment. After a while he said, "Yes. You know, it's really hard sometimes. I aim to please! I can't help it if I'm ridiculously moronic, absentminded, and pathetically obsessed with myself!" He wiped a tear from his eye.
"It's all right, Aragorn." Pippin bit back a laugh. "I'll help you find the tree. You won't return home empty handed."
"Thanks, man," Aragorn sniffed.
~
Sauron pulled up to Arwen's front door in his Mitsubishi. (Mitsubishi is really fun to type.) He checked his reflection in rear-view mirror.
"Hey, good looking," he winked at himself approvingly. He smoothed back his hair (he removed his super-cool spiky helmet for the occasion) and nodded at his reflection. He then opened his mouth, and before Bob could stop him, he yelled, "Yo bitch, come outside, I'm here to take you out!"
"Sauron!" Bob hissed. "That is not the way to win the affection of the Queen of Gondor!"
"Oh," Sauron looked down in shame. "Would beeping the horn be better?"
"No, no," Bob shook his head. "Go and knock on the door." Bob paused momentarily. "Yuck, Sauron, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?"
"Hey!" Sauron frowned. "Will you give an evil dude a break? I was trying to kill that little hobo, but my bolts of evil lightening kept missing because he was always twitching and stuff!"
"I didn't know you had bolts of lightening."
"He he," Sauron giggled. "Neither did Tolkien."
Sauron popped a few Tic-Tacs in his mouth and breathed on his hand like the people in the commercials. He sauntered up Arwen's path and rang the doorway. Leaning against a pillar, he tried his best to look cool. A mild look of shock came over Arwen's face as she opened the door. Well, mild may be an understatement, but it will suffice to say she wasn't expecting the evil master of Middle Earth to come calling.
"Sauron! The dark lord!" She shrieked. "Aragorn told me you were dead, the bastard. He lied to me! Damn him! Hey, you're evil, go kill my idiot of a husband."
"Actually, my lady, " Sauron said casually, "I was hoping you and I could discuss some things over dinner. You see, I've always been madly in love with you. The beauty of Luthien graces your face, Arlen."
"It's Arwen."
"Exactly what I said," Sauron waved his hand in a dismissive manner.
"What makes you think I would leave my husband, the King of Gondor, for a washed up dark lord who used to be powerful."
"That's exactly what I wished to discuss," Sauron smiled evilly. "I don't believe your husband has the mind capacity to be king. If we can take him out of the picture, then I could rule Gondor with you! And after Gondor, the world! Mwahahaha!"
Arwen sighed and slapped Sauron. "Snap out of it, you fool! Stop giggling, it's creepy."
Sauron gasped, feeling genuinely distraught. "I spent years perfecting my evil cackle! It's an art form, I tell you!"
"Right. Anyway, if I agree, what's in it for me."
"Well, I believe this might interest you." Sauron pulled the little blue box from his pocket and opened it slowly.
Arwen gasped at the sight of the glittering diamond ring in Sauron's hand. She needed no more persuading. "All right. I'll go to dinner. But I'm driving. We'll take my Lexus. That weird creature in your Mitsubishi is scaring me."
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, kidos! I know I said I would tell you what happened to Frodo in this chapter, but I'm tired. That will have to wait. The Two Towers DVD comes out in less then a month! Get excited!
Reviews are always, always, always welcome!
Lots of love, Scegan
Darkling Thrush - Thanks for your review!
Disclaimer - I did not write the Lord of the Rings. I am not Tolkien, although I might look like him if you dress me up like an old dead guy. I also do not mean to mock Tolkien's original works, although he probably hates people like me for tearing apart one of the greatest accomplishments of the twentieth century.
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Nine
Pippin followed Aragorn merrily as the man darted from tree to tree. Pippin vaguely remembered Aragorn saying something about a tree that would be the savior of Gondor, but Pippin didn't really care much about things like that. As long as he had his weed, he was happy. I mean, his pipe.
"Aragorn," Pippin sighed happily, "this reminds me of the good old days. Do you remember? The nine of us trotting happily through Moria and almost getting killed by that fire dude. Those were the days, I tell you."
A look of confusion fell upon Aragorn's face. "Moria? Well, it probably did happen, but I have a very short-term memory, you see. I don't really remember anything that doesn't concern my hair. By the way, what am I looking for?"
"Something about a tree?" Aragorn was seriously starting to scare Pippin. He had a burning desire to run as fast as his little hobo legs could carry him.
"Right you are, mate!" Aragorn clapped his hand with glee. "Arwen told me to find a tree that would save us all. Wait a second. I thought destroying that ring would be the thing that would save us all. Was the ring incarnated into the tree?"
"You said something earlier about restoring Gondor."
"Right. Well, we shall just have to see when we find the tree, shan't we?" Aragorn turned in circles, pretending to look for the tree. He really just liked spinning because it reminded him of Ring around the Rosie.
"Are there any distinguishing features that might help us recognize the tree of which you speak?" Pippin asked curiously.
Aragorn stopped spinning. He fell over, laughing, and looked up at Pippin. "Those were some big words. I didn't understand a single word in that sentence."
Pippin thought for a moment. "Yeah, I didn't understand it either. I heard it on a nature show. What exactly does distinguishing mean?"
"Hell if I know," Aragorn shrugged. "Now we must return to the subject of the tree. Arwen will beat the hell out of me if I don't come home with it."
"Aragorn, are you in a controlling relationship?" Pippin shook his head sympathetically.
Aragorn thought for a moment. After a while he said, "Yes. You know, it's really hard sometimes. I aim to please! I can't help it if I'm ridiculously moronic, absentminded, and pathetically obsessed with myself!" He wiped a tear from his eye.
"It's all right, Aragorn." Pippin bit back a laugh. "I'll help you find the tree. You won't return home empty handed."
"Thanks, man," Aragorn sniffed.
~
Sauron pulled up to Arwen's front door in his Mitsubishi. (Mitsubishi is really fun to type.) He checked his reflection in rear-view mirror.
"Hey, good looking," he winked at himself approvingly. He smoothed back his hair (he removed his super-cool spiky helmet for the occasion) and nodded at his reflection. He then opened his mouth, and before Bob could stop him, he yelled, "Yo bitch, come outside, I'm here to take you out!"
"Sauron!" Bob hissed. "That is not the way to win the affection of the Queen of Gondor!"
"Oh," Sauron looked down in shame. "Would beeping the horn be better?"
"No, no," Bob shook his head. "Go and knock on the door." Bob paused momentarily. "Yuck, Sauron, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?"
"Hey!" Sauron frowned. "Will you give an evil dude a break? I was trying to kill that little hobo, but my bolts of evil lightening kept missing because he was always twitching and stuff!"
"I didn't know you had bolts of lightening."
"He he," Sauron giggled. "Neither did Tolkien."
Sauron popped a few Tic-Tacs in his mouth and breathed on his hand like the people in the commercials. He sauntered up Arwen's path and rang the doorway. Leaning against a pillar, he tried his best to look cool. A mild look of shock came over Arwen's face as she opened the door. Well, mild may be an understatement, but it will suffice to say she wasn't expecting the evil master of Middle Earth to come calling.
"Sauron! The dark lord!" She shrieked. "Aragorn told me you were dead, the bastard. He lied to me! Damn him! Hey, you're evil, go kill my idiot of a husband."
"Actually, my lady, " Sauron said casually, "I was hoping you and I could discuss some things over dinner. You see, I've always been madly in love with you. The beauty of Luthien graces your face, Arlen."
"It's Arwen."
"Exactly what I said," Sauron waved his hand in a dismissive manner.
"What makes you think I would leave my husband, the King of Gondor, for a washed up dark lord who used to be powerful."
"That's exactly what I wished to discuss," Sauron smiled evilly. "I don't believe your husband has the mind capacity to be king. If we can take him out of the picture, then I could rule Gondor with you! And after Gondor, the world! Mwahahaha!"
Arwen sighed and slapped Sauron. "Snap out of it, you fool! Stop giggling, it's creepy."
Sauron gasped, feeling genuinely distraught. "I spent years perfecting my evil cackle! It's an art form, I tell you!"
"Right. Anyway, if I agree, what's in it for me."
"Well, I believe this might interest you." Sauron pulled the little blue box from his pocket and opened it slowly.
Arwen gasped at the sight of the glittering diamond ring in Sauron's hand. She needed no more persuading. "All right. I'll go to dinner. But I'm driving. We'll take my Lexus. That weird creature in your Mitsubishi is scaring me."
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, kidos! I know I said I would tell you what happened to Frodo in this chapter, but I'm tired. That will have to wait. The Two Towers DVD comes out in less then a month! Get excited!
Reviews are always, always, always welcome!
Lots of love, Scegan
