A/N: Wow! You people are so spiffy! *hugs everyone who reviewed and gives them all cookies*
Thank you much to Trinity, Leanan, and aka T.S.L for reviewing. Not to mention one of my favorite people on ff.net, the EXTREMELY talented Covetous Creature. *glomps all*
*gasp* Y'know what I just found? I'm on the favorite stories and favorite authors list of Trinity! *tears up* I'm so... *sniff* touched...
Erm... ok. On to the story now.
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Harry Potter and the Order of the Kleenex
Chapter 2 - Of Sexual Harrassment Lawsuits and Dudley's Whores
Within fifteen minutes, Mrs. Figg and Harry had managed to drag his cousin back to the Dursley residence, though Dudley was not happy about it- his beautiful bitches were gone! Thus, Dudley threw a temper tantrum worthy only of himself.
Mrs. Figg soon departed to her own home, leaving Harry to face the wrath of his Aunt and Uncle.
Harry reached out for the door knob, but it turned before he could even lay a finger on it.
"Hello, Harry, sweetie," winked his eternally sexed-up Uncle Vernon. Then, upon seeing his preferred sex toy, Dudley, added, "Dear Lord! What's happened?"
"Harry stole my bitches," Dudley whined, sniffling.
"Word," muttered Vernon as he wiped a single tear from his cheek. "Word, son."
The plump man ushered his son inside and slammed the door- Harry just barely squeezed through before it closed.
***
"Petunia," Vernon said to his rather sickly-looking wife after the situation had been explained. His gravelly voice barely supressing excitement. "Can *I* choose the punishment for him?"
Petunia arched a thin, spidery eyebrow, but ended up muttering, "I suppose," even though she was slightly suspicious of why Vernon suddenly took to spending so much time with the children...
"Oh goody!" he exclaimed. "Harry, you wait right there- I'll go get the whipped cream and french fries." He winked at Harry and ran off to the kitchen, even though in the book they already should be in there, but the author doesnt really give a crap.
Suddenly, an owl flew in the open window, smacking Harry straight in the forehead. After a moment, when our bright little boy realized what happened, he let out a yelp and threw the owl to the floor, panting. He noticed the slightly brain-dead owl carried a message for him, which Harry took and read.
"Mr. Harry Potter,
I regret to inform you that any second now, Michael Jackson will streak into your living room in the nude and arrest you for the sexual harrassment of a rubber duck and the abuse of two soap dishes. For such a horrendous act, we must destroy your wand. Officials will come soon to take care of the matter. We, the Ministry of Magic, will expect you to appear in front of the court on August 12.
-Whoever signed the letter in the book; the author doesnt know and cant look, seeing as she loaned her book out to another person"
Harry stared at the letter in disbelief. He racked his tiny brain to think of when he might have done this...
'Well,' he thought. 'About three days ago in the bathtub...'
Oh, the many, many naughty uses for a rubber duck...
He stared at the door in horror. Michael Jackson in the nude... Most likely singing... Come to arrest him... Harry couldnt bare the thought.
Just then, yet another owl smacked him in the forehead. He took the parchment from its leg and read it.
"Harry,
I heard about your troubles with the law. Whatever you do, do NOT leave the house. Dont let them break your wand either. Please trust me.
- Arthur"
With a resigned sigh, Harry retreated to his bedroom to await his fate. (oooh a rhyme! *claps*)
------------
DUN DUN DUN!!!
A cliff hanger in a parody?! Well... it's not really a cliff hanger, seeing as you've all probably read the book... Oh well. Sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I know of at least a few people who will seriously injure me if I dont update soon O.O Evil people. More next chapter, I promise. ^.~
Reviews still appreciated. And that cookie offer is still on. ^.~
Thank you much to Trinity, Leanan, and aka T.S.L for reviewing. Not to mention one of my favorite people on ff.net, the EXTREMELY talented Covetous Creature. *glomps all*
*gasp* Y'know what I just found? I'm on the favorite stories and favorite authors list of Trinity! *tears up* I'm so... *sniff* touched...
Erm... ok. On to the story now.
------------
Harry Potter and the Order of the Kleenex
Chapter 2 - Of Sexual Harrassment Lawsuits and Dudley's Whores
Within fifteen minutes, Mrs. Figg and Harry had managed to drag his cousin back to the Dursley residence, though Dudley was not happy about it- his beautiful bitches were gone! Thus, Dudley threw a temper tantrum worthy only of himself.
Mrs. Figg soon departed to her own home, leaving Harry to face the wrath of his Aunt and Uncle.
Harry reached out for the door knob, but it turned before he could even lay a finger on it.
"Hello, Harry, sweetie," winked his eternally sexed-up Uncle Vernon. Then, upon seeing his preferred sex toy, Dudley, added, "Dear Lord! What's happened?"
"Harry stole my bitches," Dudley whined, sniffling.
"Word," muttered Vernon as he wiped a single tear from his cheek. "Word, son."
The plump man ushered his son inside and slammed the door- Harry just barely squeezed through before it closed.
***
"Petunia," Vernon said to his rather sickly-looking wife after the situation had been explained. His gravelly voice barely supressing excitement. "Can *I* choose the punishment for him?"
Petunia arched a thin, spidery eyebrow, but ended up muttering, "I suppose," even though she was slightly suspicious of why Vernon suddenly took to spending so much time with the children...
"Oh goody!" he exclaimed. "Harry, you wait right there- I'll go get the whipped cream and french fries." He winked at Harry and ran off to the kitchen, even though in the book they already should be in there, but the author doesnt really give a crap.
Suddenly, an owl flew in the open window, smacking Harry straight in the forehead. After a moment, when our bright little boy realized what happened, he let out a yelp and threw the owl to the floor, panting. He noticed the slightly brain-dead owl carried a message for him, which Harry took and read.
"Mr. Harry Potter,
I regret to inform you that any second now, Michael Jackson will streak into your living room in the nude and arrest you for the sexual harrassment of a rubber duck and the abuse of two soap dishes. For such a horrendous act, we must destroy your wand. Officials will come soon to take care of the matter. We, the Ministry of Magic, will expect you to appear in front of the court on August 12.
-Whoever signed the letter in the book; the author doesnt know and cant look, seeing as she loaned her book out to another person"
Harry stared at the letter in disbelief. He racked his tiny brain to think of when he might have done this...
'Well,' he thought. 'About three days ago in the bathtub...'
Oh, the many, many naughty uses for a rubber duck...
He stared at the door in horror. Michael Jackson in the nude... Most likely singing... Come to arrest him... Harry couldnt bare the thought.
Just then, yet another owl smacked him in the forehead. He took the parchment from its leg and read it.
"Harry,
I heard about your troubles with the law. Whatever you do, do NOT leave the house. Dont let them break your wand either. Please trust me.
- Arthur"
With a resigned sigh, Harry retreated to his bedroom to await his fate. (oooh a rhyme! *claps*)
------------
DUN DUN DUN!!!
A cliff hanger in a parody?! Well... it's not really a cliff hanger, seeing as you've all probably read the book... Oh well. Sorry this chapter is a bit short, but I know of at least a few people who will seriously injure me if I dont update soon O.O Evil people. More next chapter, I promise. ^.~
Reviews still appreciated. And that cookie offer is still on. ^.~
