Harry Potter and the Goblet of Old Odgen's Firewhiskey
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING except maybe my flip-flops.
A/N-This is a parody of GOF, which should be obvious. I would like to warn you right now that the first chapter is not very good, but please, please, pleeeeease read further. It gets much better, or at least I think so.
Chapter 1-The Riddle House
The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it "the Riddle House" even though it had been many years since the Riddles had lived there. The villagers, however, were unaware of this and merely figured that their snotty, rich neighbors had become even more impolite and had stopped coming out of the house. This surprised no one; everyone hated the Riddles and, though they had not been seen for nearly fifty years, there was still much nasty gossip about them.
Another thing that didn't surprise anyone was a local cook's announcement that Frank Bryce had been arrested (this occurred on the same night that the Riddles had died, but that is a moot point as no one knew about it.) Frank was a young, local hoodlum. Fifty years later, he was an old, local hoodlum. Old age was beginning to get to him, but, because he was anxious not to let it show, he planned to break into the Riddle House and maybe catch a glimpse of the Riddle's.
However, as we all know, they were dead. Instead, once he had broken in easily, Frank heard their grandchild upstairs. He crept up the dusty steps and down a hall until he was right outside the door. He heard a cold, high, decidedly feminine voice from inside. He tried to eavesdrop, but it didn't really work. All the woman was talking about, in a very evil manner, was worm tails, wizards and milking Nagini.
"Mooooooo," Frank heard from the end of the hall, "Moooo!"
"Mooomoooooomo," the woman inside the room answered. Frank could make out the shape of a cow through the darkness. He tried to run and find a place to hide, but, conveniently for this plot, he became temporarily paralyzed. The animal that walked by him, still mooing, was the evilest looking pink cow he had ever seen. But before you laugh at Nagini the cow, you must remember that even evil, pink cows need to be loved.
"Worm tail," the woman said. What was she going on about, "Nagini the Evil, Pink Cow claims that there is a Muggle cinnamon bun in the hall listening to our every word.or perhaps she said human.I really must brush up on my Moomouth before we brutally murder Harry Potter. After that I'll have a very busy schedule.So many Mudbloods to kill.Ooh! And all those Muggles! But which to kill first." the woman paused in thought for an extremely long time in thought. Through all this, Frank was still suffering from paralysis, "Hmm.what was I saying? Oh yes, invite the Muggle in. Worm tail."
The door was flung open and there stood a small, rat-like man.
"Run!" he shouted wildly and together Frank Bryce and Peter Pettigrew used their thick skulls to crash throught the stone wall. Frank was too old and the impact of the ground killed him, but not before Voldemort threw open the window and shouted down to him (I'm not sure how he did this as he still didn't have a proper body, but he managed to manage).
"I can read your mind! And I am not a woman, I am a very proper man, thank you! Just because my voice never changed doesn't mean I'm not manly!" Then he added, "Wormtail, you are irritating. Get your ratty-ass up here. That escape attempt was nearly as bad as the one when you jumped off that cliff singing "I Believe I Can Fly"!
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING except maybe my flip-flops.
A/N-This is a parody of GOF, which should be obvious. I would like to warn you right now that the first chapter is not very good, but please, please, pleeeeease read further. It gets much better, or at least I think so.
Chapter 1-The Riddle House
The villagers of Little Hangleton still called it "the Riddle House" even though it had been many years since the Riddles had lived there. The villagers, however, were unaware of this and merely figured that their snotty, rich neighbors had become even more impolite and had stopped coming out of the house. This surprised no one; everyone hated the Riddles and, though they had not been seen for nearly fifty years, there was still much nasty gossip about them.
Another thing that didn't surprise anyone was a local cook's announcement that Frank Bryce had been arrested (this occurred on the same night that the Riddles had died, but that is a moot point as no one knew about it.) Frank was a young, local hoodlum. Fifty years later, he was an old, local hoodlum. Old age was beginning to get to him, but, because he was anxious not to let it show, he planned to break into the Riddle House and maybe catch a glimpse of the Riddle's.
However, as we all know, they were dead. Instead, once he had broken in easily, Frank heard their grandchild upstairs. He crept up the dusty steps and down a hall until he was right outside the door. He heard a cold, high, decidedly feminine voice from inside. He tried to eavesdrop, but it didn't really work. All the woman was talking about, in a very evil manner, was worm tails, wizards and milking Nagini.
"Mooooooo," Frank heard from the end of the hall, "Moooo!"
"Mooomoooooomo," the woman inside the room answered. Frank could make out the shape of a cow through the darkness. He tried to run and find a place to hide, but, conveniently for this plot, he became temporarily paralyzed. The animal that walked by him, still mooing, was the evilest looking pink cow he had ever seen. But before you laugh at Nagini the cow, you must remember that even evil, pink cows need to be loved.
"Worm tail," the woman said. What was she going on about, "Nagini the Evil, Pink Cow claims that there is a Muggle cinnamon bun in the hall listening to our every word.or perhaps she said human.I really must brush up on my Moomouth before we brutally murder Harry Potter. After that I'll have a very busy schedule.So many Mudbloods to kill.Ooh! And all those Muggles! But which to kill first." the woman paused in thought for an extremely long time in thought. Through all this, Frank was still suffering from paralysis, "Hmm.what was I saying? Oh yes, invite the Muggle in. Worm tail."
The door was flung open and there stood a small, rat-like man.
"Run!" he shouted wildly and together Frank Bryce and Peter Pettigrew used their thick skulls to crash throught the stone wall. Frank was too old and the impact of the ground killed him, but not before Voldemort threw open the window and shouted down to him (I'm not sure how he did this as he still didn't have a proper body, but he managed to manage).
"I can read your mind! And I am not a woman, I am a very proper man, thank you! Just because my voice never changed doesn't mean I'm not manly!" Then he added, "Wormtail, you are irritating. Get your ratty-ass up here. That escape attempt was nearly as bad as the one when you jumped off that cliff singing "I Believe I Can Fly"!
