"Brave New World" by Luke's Dragon

A/n

Sigh so much stuff going on means I haven't done any writing for ages. Thanks to Gema J Gall who keeps telling me to finish this fic.

Right. This chapter has all the usual soul searching and angst, next chapter is going to be action based. And I promise it'll be up soon. J

The little bit of reflection BWG does near the end refers to Chapter 5 (Redemption) of my Previous BWG Damnation fic… You should read that fic too its great (Shameless plug)

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Chapter 5 The Places we go Alone.

What you see is not real
Those who know will not tell
All is lost you've sold your soul
In this brave new world

Iron Maiden 'Brave New World'

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I just want to go home. I just want to find my place in life; I just want to feel secure in my own mind. I want to recapture that feeling of light when I'd have thrown my life away for someone else. I want an end to this wandering and constant searching. All I want is to go home again.

But there seems no way for that to happen. The world that I find myself trapped in is part of something else, where I cannot find myself again and it is driving me insane. My comrade speaks of Digimon and humans living together and how he was once little more than a pet. The strangest thing is that part of me wishes something like that could be true.

Someone to be there for me, a companion, a friend. Is it so wrong that I should want something like that, or am I just dreaming lying to myself that anything like that could ever be for me? A monster created to destroy a black armored fiend with destruction in his heart… and yet there is so much more to me than what I once was. I have a heart and a soul, I risk my life to fight for 'good' and I protect people and things just for the ecstatic feeling I get of doing the right thing.

I really think I'm losing my mind.

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The word friend, like so many little words, like hope and love it is so small and insignificant, but yet it has such power. It is something I am still trying to come to terms with. I never thought that I would ever come to a point like this where I was starting to feel like I wanted… or should that be needed a friend.

I had something like that once, back when I was Impmon, I had children who *cared* for me… Well they argued a lot over who should play with me, which I suppose in a strange human way means they cared. I hated my time with them, they pulled my arms, they treated me like a toy and from that I learned to hate humans.

I thought they were all the same, selfish, stupid creatures that just used Digimon, who created us as a race only for their own amusement and I grew bitter. I also grew strong. I used my strength to frighten people, just like a little show off kid; hey I even stole someone's ice cream once… Jeez, what a major baddie I am, I stole candy from a baby.

But all the while I was watching that group who call themselves the tamers, I was watching how they loved and cared for their Digimon, how they treated them as friends, as equals. And it made me feel such a sense of longing; it made me want to have something like they had. A bond, a purpose, somewhere I belong.

Fate intervened though, the horse deva showed up, and I like a fool fought him, I still don't know why I did that. Maybe it was because he provoked me, he called me weak, he called me unfit to even exist, maybe blind rage was why I fought someone who could have torn me to pieces in a moment, and he very nearly did. But maybe it was because he was trying to destroy the one thing I had left… My hope.

So now here I am, with all this power that I am afraid to use. Here I am with my head overwhelmed with guilt at my actions. I killed Leomon because he was my enemy, I killed him because he disagreed with me, because he challenged me. And in doing so I destroyed all someone had left. I destroyed Jeri's hope when I delivered that blow and the very worst thing?

The very worst thing is that Leomon was right. To be strong is not just about fighting. Blackwargreymon seems to understand that too, and I am starting to understand myself now, It might be a little too late for me though. I am not as strong as I thought I was, physically I could not beat Gallentmon or Blackwargreymon, and inside I am not strong enough to say I was wrong, that I am sorry.

But I think I may have learned something… What It feels like to really lose.

~~~

We heard a whisper in the wind today, that a monster called 'Reaper' or something like that was coming and that he was going to destroy this world. We heard that the tamers and their allies were going to fight to protect the world, and we decided that we too would go and join this battle.

Maybe it's all because I'm longing for the past, when I did the same thing myself to protect my world and the human world. or maybe it was because I couldn't very well let Beelzamon go alone like he wanted to, I feel like I am responsible for him, and that I care about what happens to him. It is a new feeling, although it is not the first time I have felt it, but it is a nice feeling none the less.

And here is the weirdness… The tamers are aided by Anzologomon, the one who defeated me so long ago, the one who made me realize that might alone was not all there was in the world, that strength did not just involve fighting and destroying. But this is not my world, this is not my time. The Digi-Destined I knew are not even know here, so how can he be here? I do not understand this at all. Maybe the white dragon will know and have some answers for me. Maybe he will be able to help me get home.

And if not, it'll be one hell of a rematch.

If I cannot go home, I am more than ready to lay down my life fighting for a lost cause that I do not really care about. I have lived my life perhaps too long. After my battle with Okiwa I thought my end had come and I was taken to that strange place or was it just my mind? Of course that Is a strange place too… but I digress.

Lets recap what I know… I fought Oikwa, and jumped in to the black vortex to seal it. I woke up in a world of whiteness and somehow I found my way out of it, but I ended up here in this world.

Hmmm that's not much to go on, but I think that maybe I wasn't supposed to survive and now the whole universe is out of sync because of me.

Well, so what I wrecked the universe? Does that make me bad? Well anyway its time to wreck the D-Reaper's plans too and maybe I can find my ending at long last.