This story is of Kain 'confronted' Moebius. but alas Kain's intention was not to kill him. read on for the truth.

Kain was slightly distraught after his little run in with William the Just. Having gone back in time to make things better, he'd made things slightly worse. When Kain had met the great king and they began talking about how the Soul Reaver and the sword William had were similar, a knight of the king's burst in and began attacking Kain.

Kain, not being one to want to die too easily, was forced to kill the knight, to this William took great offence.

"Excuse me chap, but you have just killed one of my knights." the king had said

"Well he was trying to kill me." Kain had replied

"But look at his armour compared to yours... his is shiny, yours is... well the less said the better." the king had said scornfully.

"Well you try washing stains off something like this" Kain had said, getting angry.

"I have, many times... besides look at that knight's face compared to yours. He damn good looking and you're just some mook who forgot to brush his teeth." the king was slightly enraged at the thought of replacing a knight so handsome.

"HEY! Now thats not fair... I use colgate every morning!" Kain had replied

"Hah colgate hahahahahha, we have Sensodyne! HAHAHA!" William continued to mock Kain in his outrageously girlish voice that sounded very similar to that of a peasant Kain had spoken with in Willendorf.

"Where where?! Please may I see it? Oh I must view this artifact!" Kain had been jumping up and down like a child.

"Sorry fanged buddy, but the holiness that removes sensitive teeth may only be viewed by the one who holds... .... ..." William paused, thinking of such a prized possession that Kain just simply would not have. "AHA! The one who holds the finest cheese of Dark Eden, haha no one dares venture to that place, for there are no newspaper boys shouting 'COME GET YOUR PAPERS' there.... who would dare live there?"

Kain had been shocked, he KNEW he needed that cheese... luckily, there was a piece that just happened to be in front of him, Kain picked this up and gave it to William the Just who prompty ate it.

"Well, can I see the almighty toothpaste now?" Kain had said.

"You haven't give me any cheese yet" Will said again.

"I just did! That cheese!" Kain had said again, pointing to the direct area in which the cheese would be flowing in Will's body.

"What cheese? I didn't see any cheese." William, had simply forgotten what cheese was, and had assumed Kain had given him an energy tablet of pure joy.

"Look I'll show you." Kain took out his soul reaver, sliced up William the Just, and put the now dismembered piece of cheese in front of the king's eye.

It took a few seconds, for Kain to realise... ... that the cheese was off.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kain screamed as he realised the one cheese he had owned was off... then Kain realised he'd just killed the king who could have saved peace... Kain prompty wet himself.

As the knights had rushed in, and Kain had cowered away... Will's lifeless body was taken to a nearby puppet shop, and Sooty was formed!

Kain however, had not been so lucky. Instead of becoming a world famous puppet who could retire at the tender age of 67, he had started a massive vampire purge that had killed nearly every vampire apart from him.

As Kain moved back into his own time, he was sure that the Time streaming device had a purpose after all... it was an exceptional backscratcher... and one Kain had regarded as overly holy.

Kain, whilst scratching his back continued to walk out of the palace.

He caught sight of peasants, one fat wielding a flaming torch, the other a Guy with a rake.

Kain had gone to hug them, he longed for some comfort for all the trouble he had experienced... however the affection they gave him was not his idea of fun.

The guy with the flaming torch swung at Kain who took a step backwards... then the guy with the rake swung madly, killing his friend. Kain then went to give first aid to the flaming torch man, but the guy with the rake was persistant, and continued to narrowly miss Kain.

Kain, bent down to get out his bandages, and the guy with the rake swung in a full 360 degree circle which ultimately ended in his arm being torn off.... the guy fell over backwards for no reason at all and began to shout.

"Brothers... BROTHERS! THE VAMPIRE HAS DISABLED ME!!! IT IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!" after this the guy continued to wriggle on the floor, before getting out his copy of "Dennis the Menace" and chuckling at the spiffy jokes.

Before, the flaming torch peasants and the rake guys had just thought Kain was slightly ill, now they knew he was an agent of the devil! They summoned forth all their courage, which ended up in them vacating the building in terror.

Kain was upset by such a reception... wanting love and kisses, he found only along slimey things on the floor and explosive walking skeletons.

As Kain left the castle and heaed down the forest in search of inspiration for his new book

'What not to do when going back in time'

He heard the words of his old friend and mentor Moebius!

"Now you make think I'm just an old man... but YOU SEE THIS?!" Moebius said whilst pointing to his forehead "THIS! Is a sticker! These magical stickers will be created by moi soon... no normal old man could make that could they?!"

"WWIIIIITTTCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!" one of the villagers cried out.

"Ah come on, if I was a witch I wouldn't have such a cockney accent would I?! I'm a Londener mate." Moebius replied.

The villager stod humiliated as his friends poked him for being so stupid. Little did the villagers know, that Moebius had manipulated them.

Kain then realised that Moebius was not his friend or mentor, and that Vorador, the catlike guy who gave him a drink once, was having his head chopped off.

Kain walked towards the podium, expecting a good show. Apparently Vorador had forgotten to pay his bills for the last 2 weeks and did not have a license to own a sword or keep a bunch of brides in a mansion he didn't own.... the only punishment for these acts was death... at the hand of an old guy who went forwards and backwards and time, and an angry mob.

The game entered an FMV sequence.

The guillotine came down, but Vorador had taken a coffee break and thus the camera focused on the peasants insted of the guillotine. As the director waved his arms wildly at Vorador, Vorador took the hint and ran up to the guillotine... however Vorador couldn't stop in time and landed in the audience of peasants... which was what the cameras happened to be looking at.

The exceutioner quickly covered up

"We are free of the unholy scourge... this podium is no longer full!"

"Not yet mooks, the main character of the game still needs to kill us! He is there!" Moebius said, he finger wobbled slightly and ended up pointing at a bewildered peasant instead.

The peasant was quickly eviscerated by his loving family and his head paraded about.

After the show, Kain went up on top of the podium to ask Moebius a question... he wanted to know whether Moebius was older than Vorador, and if so, whether he had one of those old grandfather hats.

As Kain initated conversation with Moebius, Moebius entered a deep trance... (Which was really just a daydream.) He fell off the podium.

Moebius, not wanting to look stupid, accused Kain of witchcraft and devilry.

"My friends! See the way he pushed me without using his hands!" Moebius stood up once more... deeply terrified.

"Nah old man, none of us was looking mate... we was too busy looking at the floor cause McBrown dropped a penny and we was hoping to steal it." the peasant rambled on a little more.

"Look! The game says you have to fight him... Now if you'd like to take this up with the director..." Moebius said... the director leaning towards the peasant... a large letter opener in hand.

Kain directed his question to the exceutioner instead, who told him of how Gypsies were cursed and brought evil magic to the world, however this was not the answer Kain wanted.

The peasants, now stripped of their free will went to attack Kain. However there hd been a large group of 30-40 in the FMV, now there was but 6 peasants. Kain simply put a disguise on in front of them, and they asked him whether they could borrow his money. Kain dismissed them with strange words that made no sense such as.

"My foot is on fire."

and

"The arm of a lion is but the eye of the hippo."

The peasants, confused by these words, decided that perhaps they had taken the wrong careers, and as such all became workers at the great Library of Willendorf... one such author was

"Huthbert the timid" who wrote the book "When bad things get worse."

Anyway Kain continued to walk on, he caught sight of Moebius tripping over by a gate, seeing that he could not turn into a bat and run away, Kain deduced that he would have to engage in heated conversation with Moebius... Kain came amply prepared, hot water bottle in hand.

Moebius sat upon a slighty raised stage and said.

"Behold the monsters of the past."

Two knights came forth, both realising they were in the wrong timeframe, they veered backwards and started playing a nice game of Snap, that ended in Soldier 056 being the victor.

Kain started to ask his question.

"Excuse me Moebius, do you have an old man hat I ca-" Kain stopped as Moebius teleported to the next gate.

As Kain walked steadily past, Moebius said once more.

"Behold the greivances of the present!"

A peasant jumped out, making strange monkey noises and Egyptian hand signals the peasant started crafting great works of art on the wall.... he shook hands with Kain and commended him on his choice of haircut. The peasant would one day become Kain's trusted friend Billy, who features in none of the games but is the true hero.

Kain had realised Moebius wanted to go slightly slower with Kain, as Moebius fired a blue projectile that slowed Kain down.. "Perhaps" Kain thought "I am rushing things... no relationships work when they're rushed."

As Kain moved incredibly slowly towards the next gate... Moebius prepared his final surprise.

"BEHOLD THE!" Moebius stopped as he caught sight of the actor jumping out from behind the stage, his costume of Kain wasn't quite right as his face was peeling off and his boots didn't fit, plus the axe he was wielding was incredibly weak and far too heavy. "Go away! I haven't said my bit yet!"

The actor dressed poorly, hung his head in shame and went behind the stage once more.

"BEHOLD THE FUTURE!!!"... the actor failed to come out...

"THE FUTURE!!!" Moebius said again.

The actor had given up... and walked off to live a life of shame. Moebius stood without defence.

So naturally, Moebius jumped down from the stage that was tiny and that Kain couldn't climb up OR swing his sword up. Moebius then entered his tried and tested method of fighting, by throwing time slowing projectiles at Kain, that caused no damage, he was sure he would win.

Kain, who was not aware that he had been fighting. Prepared to ask Moebius his question.

"So, can I borrow that old man hat a second?!" Kain blurted out.

Moebius, who was devoutly absorbed in throwing more projectiles, ignored Kain.

Kain decided to use something he had not used often, initiative. He took the hat and Moebius fell to the floor.

"My source of power.... the time... of ages... exists in that hat... use it well Kain... for it shall save you..." Moebius struggled to say.

Kain immediatly gave the hat to Billy, who gave the hat to the actor, who gave the hat to a Gypsy, who gave the hat to one of those explosive teddy bears, who gave it to a mugger who fell over and left the hat on a spike headed dog in Dark Eden. That dog was christened... Lassie, guardian of all that was sacred.

Moebius, then said for no reason.

"I have seen the future Kain... the future's bright... the future's-" Moebius stopped as Kain interrupted.

"Orange?" Kain said.

"I was going to say a faint yellowly colour that mirrors a blue hue of yellow that would go nicely in a bathroom, orange is just too far." Moebius snapped at Kain.

"Well... I'm no bathroom maker." Kain snapped back.

"Indeed Kain.... I have seen the future of bathroom making... you are not in it!" Moebius said again.

Billy called to Kain, and as Kain turned around the actor came back, took Moebius's head to use as a cup, and left an 'I.O.U one head of Moebius'.

Kain turned back and saw the note... saw the body... saw the hourglass... and rested his eyes on Moebiuses' sweet sweet cloak... it was so damn bright and nice looking, Kain couldn't wait to put that on his dog... it'd look so good on it, he was sure to win dog competitions forever!

Kain gathered all these objects, giving his farewells to Billy, he headed back to the pillars after Mortanius had said.

"Hi, got a little propostion for you.... I'll kill the rest of the guardians.. if you kill the sucker of a monster whose living inside me."

Kain typically ignored Mortanius as always, and decided to fly to the pillars in order to pester Ariel as to why she hadn't tried to defend herself.

As Kain flew, Moebius's voice echoed in the wind... his voice would forever say.

"I'll see you in the sequel Kain.... theee sseeqqquuueeellllsssssssss..."

The voice was eventually silenced when someone found the mute button on their remote control.

And thus the journey for ultimate inner enlightenment, continued.