Ok time for the next one... I call this one

"Kain's visit to Dark Eden : The ultimate misunderstanding"

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INTRODUCTION (The hardly funny at all bit)

Kain had one of those months... the kind of month when you know things are gonna get worse.

Kain had been a great Nobleman; he treated peasants badly, sucked up to kings and didn't give much of a damn about anyone. After going to a bar in Ziegstuhl to get away from the plague, (well that's what someone else said, I think he just wanted to see his future crypt) he settled on a nice table and began to write on the table, having misplaced his diary.

"Mortainius is ga-"

The bartender caught him

"OI YOU! YOU RUB THAT OFF OR YOU GET OUT!"

Kain had severe problems with rubbing marks off tables, he'd had a childhood traumatised by tables, they were always in his way when he needed to go somewhere... the only way he could get over them is by going the long route which normally contained some sort of power up and a load of monsters.

Kain left, into the cold cold night... when he'd noticed the exits had been boarded up by wooden planks he could easily climb over... the door behind him had also mysteriously locked for no apparent reason and at the speed of light.

"Must be a village thing" he said and took a few steps forward.

Kain walked on ignorant of the fact there was 4 men in brightly lit orange costumes wielding knives who shouted incredibly loudly.

"THERE HE IS!... KILL HIM!"

"Must be a village thing" Kain said again... by now they were following him... Kain turned around and saw, that they were walking in a straight line towards him...

"Aha, attack AI... they're trying to kill me!!!" Kain shrieked...

He drew his sword and swung once at one of the Orange guys... however Kain had forgotten, he could only swing once because he was a pathetic weakling...

"Oh figs!" he thought, "Why am I such a fool, why if I had some sort of flame sword I'd survive this!"

After killing two of them, Kain breathed a sigh of relief.. only to notice 4 more appear from nowhere... after walking up to the clearly climbable gate Kain stopped...

"It would not be proper for me to simply escape... yes they want me dead for a reason." Kain said

He turned to his attackers and said "Good men I would like to ask you a qu- " he got hit two times and died... poor ol' Kainy.

Then to take the ice off the well placed biscuit, some mook walked up to Kain, who was in explicit need of medial help, and gave him a friendly stab.

Well that was the start of Kain's problems... he'd only gone to escape the plague! If only he hadn't written rude messages on tables.. let that be a warning to you children, its fun... till someone goes out and gets murdered.

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The approach to Dark Eden (the almost boring bit)

So yeah Kain became a vampire and was killing guardians... however that is not today's story.. that is a story for another time.

Kain was whistling as he walked down a path... gently walking over rocks... until he got to two BIG rocks... and that's when things went bad.

"WHAT THE?!" he said in disgust "Boulders that are conveniently placed in front of me, and being a vampire that I should be able to easily throw away?! Good GOD... what do I DO?!"

After looking for a way around, because lets face it.. 9 out of 10 times you just go around and BOOM you find something that lets you get there, Kain decided to go back to the Vorador's house for no apparent reason.

Finding those orange throwey monsters a little too tough, our brave Vampire decided to waddle around in the marsh... realising that burning was never a good sign he quickly ran to the nearest cave he could.

"The blood of ages is so sweet, come vampire drink fr- what are you doing?!" The blood fountain had noticed Kain committing his dark deeds once more... he was carving

"Vorador 4 Malek" into the fountains edge...

"Look vampire, it seems you don't learn your lesson, will you pay some damn respect for us blood giving folk and-" The fountain was interrupted as Kain found the little kid with a squeaky voice hiding behind a curtain with a microphone...

The kid sighed as he said "Just take the damn blood, and get out... I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the Library when I go home... I'll never get to read "How the Pillars of Balance are just made of polystyrene".

Kain took heed of the boy's words... after stealing the curtain and using it as a turban, he drank some blood and ran out giggling like a schoolgirl.

Kain kinda guessed he could move the huge boulders now and returned to them.. after pushing them away he carried on.. until he noticed the floor was different.

He gazed upwards and saw a spindly man standing there with his fingers up his nose and his leg in the air.

"Excuse me sir.. I'd like to ask you something." Kain said inquisitively

The man turned in a menacing way and slowly walked forwards.

"Sir, I'd like an answer please, I appear to be a little bit lost... see I was looking for a place named Dark Eden and I seem to have ended up in some sort of deranged type of heavenly garden....now if you co- WHOA" Kain was interrupted as the man fired a red line at Kain.

Kain stunned for a second stood there... the man fell over and began firing rapidly..., Kain simply gave him a gentle nudge and he went rolling down the hill.

"What an odd man... wonder if he's a twisted creature brought about by a strange energy field emanating from Dark Eden over there." Kain said to himself after walking on.

Kain's motives for going to Dark Eden were simple... he wanted GOOD cheese. Not grotty cheese from a lake somewhere, not that vile stuff that Nupraptor had stashed behind his skull... NOT that bloody tasteless stuff that Malek had inside his helmet.... Dark Eden was famed cheese country... no cheese better than Dark Eden.

Kain wished to dine with the owners of Dark Eden in an attempt to learn they're secrets and become a cheese bigwig, he carried on, he could not fail... his dairy producing future depended on it.

Coming across more huge boulders that he could have climbed over he paused... seeing two dangerous looking creatures on the other side he raced to meet them.

"Yes!" Kain said "They look like cheese barons, horrendously overweight... and magnificently stupid."

Kain ran up to one and eagerly said

"I am Kain! I require cheese from the great Dark Eden, I will pay in... excuse me." Kain was annoyed, the two fatsos were ignoring him...

Kain tapped one on the shoulder, and met a disgusting reply... the fatso's stench was quite large, bested only by Kain's foul stench... but as if that wasn't enough the monster, now known as Flabmeister Fullerene, decided to spit at our hero.

"Now come on! That is rather rude, would you really behave like this at home?" Kain was now being blasted by blobs of poisonous flab.

Kain had noticed, that for no apparent reason his blood was now turning green... still Kain decided that this rudeness must stop and whacked the Flabmeister... finding that his sword was stuck Kain did the next most noble thing and walked at a fast pace away.

"Heh, they're probably too fat to follow me hahahaha" Said Kain, over confident as ever...

The Flabmeister had been outrun many times, it had ways of dealing with tresspassers and most of them included some form of spitting. It put itself on the nearest tray with wheels and wheeled up to Kain.

Kain came to another set of boulders and skillfully pushed them into position

"If they do follow me they'll never get past here hehehe..."

Kain turned around and saw another 3 flabmeisters and two red throwing stick guys, Kain tripped over part of the flab and was spit on several times... then the rollerblading Flabmeister came rolling by and by some miracle pushed everyone out the way. Kain rose, praying that Flabmeisters couldn't turn around... he carried on walking at a fast pace.

Kain had noticed lava appearing and after burning inside it several times, he had decided to go into the relatively unguarded and unhidden tower... sure the dogs with spikes on their heads were trying to stop him.. but they couldn't exactly see with facial features like that could they? Kain slipped past undetected by the dog with saws implanted into their heads.

"At last the cheese factory, it is here I will gain the secrets and return balance to the market." Kain said, knowing he was right.

After walking around loads of doors and solving loads of puzzles that someone had put to bug him, the final door opened... Kain tried to save but he left his memory card at his friend's house and therefore decided not to... but harbouring regrets that would tear him up in the future.

Kain walked through the door, he caught site of his old buddy Malek, who'd got the wrong of the stick when Kain had said

"Can I have a look at your helmet please?"

He saw a lady who had some flashy dress cape thing that probably cost her two quid from Oxfam and a man who seemed to have kept the theme of Christmas alive and was wearing Antlers. There was another man who appeared to be made of cheese, however when he realised that Kain had a sword and he didn't he made a quick exit... well actually he just sat in a cave for a long time getting shouted at by government officials that he was making the place look untidy.

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The confrontation (Its kinda funny)

"AHHH CHEESE BARONS!" Kain said delighted "MY FRIENDS! I come bearing gifts..." Kain presented the ring Vorador had given him.

Out jumped Vorador, who was engaged in dinner making arrangements before he had been summoned... he was just cutting some carrots before he knew it, he was standing next to Malek and making dents in his armour.

"Oh, sorry old chap didn't mean to cut your armour like that" said an apologetic Vorador

"Gordon Bennet, do you know how much it cost to keep this armour this shiny? I had to polish it myself this morning... now no ones going to take me to the Knight's ball.. thanks a ruddy lot you silly old man." Replied a disgruntled Malek

"Well I am sorry, its just hard to get a decent dinner around the place, what with my vampire's always mistaking me for Kain and attacking me... its just so da-... wait aren't you that hip God I killed all those years ago?" Vorador was excited now.

"Nah that'd be Malekk, I'm his slightly less understandable yet equally loveable grandaughter Malek." replied... well whoever he/she is

"In that case, I shall have to kill you." Said Vorador. "One too many times have I written into one of your 'Grandparent to grandaughter schemes' which are said to bring grandparents and grandaughters closer, do you know the times I've followed your advice and asked my grandfather what he was day was like?!"

"This act of bonding is... unconscionable" replied a startled Malek."

"Conscience? What right have you to talk to me of conscience? Only the when the fate of the world rests on your every move can you talk about Conscience, can you even imagine what you would do in my position?" Said Vorador, in a firm but motherly tone.

"I would choose integrity Kain." Said Malek

Kain looked up, it was almost like they were telling his future... he decided to lighten the mood with a little joke

"Well I don't know about you and integrity Malek, because you're in pieces HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Kain roared whilst everyone stared at him urging him to shut up.

After Vorador and Malek had realised they had infringed on the next game in the series and had quoted quite a prominent part of the next game they decided to stick to the script.

Malek held the piece of paper named 'Script' closer to his/her helmet.

"I will feed... your head and your... gizzards? To... your wives?"

Kain, Dejoule and Bane all glanced up bursting in laughter at the fact that Vorador could actually pull a girl leave alone marry her.

Vorador, not fully understanding what was so funny continued to read from the script

"Bow before... the ... I mean your master, oh it says here I have to smack you with my sword now... I don't think I quite got this right in rehearsals..."

"Don't worry about it, the viewers only see you turn into a wolf and kill me anyway, although I can't see how that happens since someone can smash me apart with a sword and I fall to pieces but come back, how come a little wolf jumping on top of me destroy me? Do I just wander away from the armour or-" Said Malek before the Flabmeister on roller skates came ramming through the wall, knocked Malek through the hole and into the lava below.

Dejoule and Bane ran into a door that no one had seen yet, Kain stood still hoping someone would come with a piece of cheese for him... Bane came back out, beckoned to Kain to follow him... and after a brief period of Bane shouting

"HEY YA MOOK, GET OVER HERE!" several times Kain wandered to the door.

Kain opened the door with his sword and saw a bag of flour fall down from the top of the door, Kain had began to wonder whether these people were behaving a little off with him...

Dejoule nodded at Bane who nodded at Dejoule, who waved at Vorador as he walked through the door to pick up his earwax medicine he left there.

Bane immediately launched into his preferred fighting style of placing water randomly around and praying for the best... he failed to realise that people could walk AROUND the water... his old master, a plumber, had forgotten to tell him that water wasn't actually all that painful and most people could survive it.

Nevertheless Bane continued to throw himself around the arena planting bits of water, till he slipped on a water patch and fell unconscious... his head in some water, Dejoule rushed over to help him, but drowned in the watery gap between the land not being a good swimmer.

Kain walked over to Bane's now lifeless body and pinched his antlers.

"There'll never be a dull Christmas again" and put them on, half hoping for his nose to light up and half expecting the antlers to contain a huge stash of drugs... ... he was right on both accounts.

He then approached Dejoule's floating body and took off her £2 energy suit bought from Oxfam... now he'd have something to wear at parties, instead of that stupid Chaos armour that kept killing his friends whenever they patted him on the back. Kain, being an ignorant man failed to realise that the room was actually made of cheese, and that cheese was literally living in the room... he walked out and found Malek's helmet on the banister.

Catching sight of Malek smoking a cigarette of the banister he decided it was probably better he just walked past.

However Kain's new cape and Antlers had caused him to be a lot more visible. Malek, who was poor of sight due to his/her oversized helmet had no way of telling that it was Kain and not Bane or Dejoule and tried to wink, thinking it was Dejoule. Malek also had no way of telling that Kain was now wearing his Helmet... Kain was very happy, a new Helmet he could wear in lessons so the teacher couldn't tell he was asleep... a new suit that he could show off to all the girls and a pair of Antlers he could use to scare Santa away... life was good.

Kain stumbled to a door that had miraculously opened and walked out... falling on top of a save point he slept... in his dreams he pondered whether or not grey hair was hereditary.