Ok time for a next one, does anyone read these? Makes me think I'm wasting my time but nevermind...

I call this one

"Melchiah the giant we hardly knew ye"

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Raziel was a bit of a violent bloke, being the first born of that crazy old man Kain... he'd almost gone slightly crazy after being murdered by his loveable father and being turned into a sort of spectral demon soul taking 'whoops I forgot to eat breakfast today' thing. His glowing eyes beckoned to opticians everywhere, each one wanted to sell him glasses... it was what he expected from life.

Anyway so Raziel had been told by the one eyed octopus man to go kill his brother and scratch Kain till he could stand being scratched no more... Raziel accepted his mission, because quite frankly, if he didn't it'd be quite a boring game.

But Raziel loved his brothers, and thought he could talk them round into giving them him their souls without a big fight or a big mess... Raziel passed through the Melchiah 'transport thingy' and opened the door to his 'kingdom'

Now in the past, Raziel had quite liked zombies, they were quite funny to watch cause they fell over a lot and didn't complain once... but these zombies weren't funny at all... they were vampires, but they were zombies... whats the deal?!

So Raziel decided to have peaceful talks with Melchiah's kids, in an effort to understand why they decided to infringe upon so many cliches.

Raziel approached a lone fledgling and tapped him on the shoulder... the poor guy's shoulder fell off and then that bit of cloth that covers their errrm.. private bits.. did the same.

Raziel was stunned...

"THESE SCUTTLING BEATS CAN'T BE KIN OF OUR HIGH BLOOD!"

Then Raziel remembered... they STOLE blood, not gave it out... nevertheless, Raziel was determined to be a good uncle.

"Hey junior! How ya doin?"

The vampire, stunned that Raziel could speak without being in a FMV sequence replied.

"I'm alright thanks, had a bit of trouble this morning when some punk came in and stuck me up... just because I'm little and outrageously weak."

Raziel, bored by the ravings of his nephew, decided to kill him. He found the nearest available rock, tied it to the young vampire's feet and put him the nearest swimming pool (which happened to be the vortex)

Raziel continued being equally made bored by his other nephews, some were quite tall compared to Raziel, but his love for them was equal to that of their brothers...

Raziel kept walking along, till he came to a solitary Vampire hunter, who bowed before his feet. Raziels alarm bells were ringing, no one liked him... it must be a trick! Raziel carried the man and dumped him next to two vampires...

As he assumed, everyone hated him more... the vampires drew in on Raziel and the hunter, who was quite annoyed at being carried like a baby, was firing arrows near Raziel. Raziel fled... there were no sticks or anything, how was he supposed to kill the vampires without a stick?! He ran towards a lever, pulled it and jumped to the platform that opened.

So Raziel kinda continued... killing annoying nephews here, butchering his friends there... picking up sticks here... then realising that he couldn't take them with him in the hippy land, I mean specteral realm.

Once in the spectral realm, Raziel saw a vampire "wraith" and was very scared... they had glowing eyes too, opticians liked them as much as Raziel! This was incredibly scary for Raziel. The wraith kinda landed in front of Raziel and poked him... then began drawing a blue line out of Raziel, which tickled Raziel slightly.

Raziel was going to laugh, but realised his life was being drained out of him and he was becoming increasingly deader... he slapped the Wraith... the wraith began to cry.

Then the wraith's mother came out and Raziel got into an argument.

"HE'S JUST A KID YOU STUPID FOOL!" said the mother

"He was drawing life out of me, he was trying to kill me!" said Raziel

"BILLY? Is this true?!" Said the mother to her child.

"Well I don't know errr... I might've tried to kill him... but I mean you can never be sure these days what with all the fun and excitement of-" the boy was interrupted as he and his mother were killed by Raziel and made into ghosts of ghosts..

Raziel, lifting his cape which was probably very dirty and most likely hadn't been washed for a long time, absorbed the mother and her child... Raziel experienced heartburn shortly after.

Well Raziel kept on going, pushing blocks there, burning wood for no reason here, making the ceiling fall down and crush all the poor little bugs there, and generally causing a big fuss for no reason.

Till Raziel got to a room where the air was red that is...

"Has the world fallen so much as to allow McDonalds to spread to every corner of the world?!" said Raziel in a scared tone "With my absence, was Ronald allowed access to the entire dimension selling his fat high products at incredibly high prices?"

Raziel burst into the room, looking around for a little while, he got out his deckchair, put on his shades and had a little nap.

Only to be awoken, by someone else having a sleep. Raziel awoke in rage and shouted

"Will you be quiet?!" Raziel however had failed to realise that the person sleeping before him, was actually one of his beloved brothers... so he carried on shouting for a little while.

The beast eventually said "Sooo err... I'm actually Melchiah... your err.. Loveable brother..."

"You said you were Kain a second ago!" Said Raziel

"Well I do get mixed up... I mean can't you see the size of my foot? Do you know how much of my brain had to go before I could have a foot like that?" Said Melchiah

"Anyway, back to script" said Raziel. "Show yourself monste... well you're in front of me whats the point of that line?" The lights instantly turned off... many have said this was done on purpose... others argue it was actually a power failure.

"Am I so changed Raziel?" said Melchiah

"Nah I just can't see you" replied Raziel

The director emerged and gave Raziel a hard, but friendly slap... Raziel decided to stick to the story.

"I mean errr... yes monster... you have changed so... much.. I do not recognise you... err... yes... you are a monster... you err.. erm... err.. fiend, err.. well whatever you are." said Raziel, under the directors influence

"I am still your loveable brother, just I ate one too many McDonalds... and they were offfffff so now I turn into beast... with horns on back for no apparent reason and large feet, and a face that says 'Kiss me I'm Irish' to everyone who observes it." Said Melchiah

"Just shut up and stand under the grinder already... I mean... tell me where Kain is so I can crush you under doors first." replied Raziel.

"The master comes when he sees fit, NOT when commanded" Melchiah said back to Raziel.

"So one his sons being brutally killed isn't a good enough reason to appear? You haven't seen many good fathers have you brother?" Replied Raziel

Raziel, realising that he was being rather mean apoligised and tried to make Melchiah give him his soul.

"Hey Melchiah, we were always 'buds' right? We played basketball together, saw films together... I even bought you a watch once... now coommmeee on give me your soul..."

"Well I don't know.. will I get it back?" Melchiah was considering a peaceful way out of this.

"NO! I mean err.. yes... you just gotta believe..." Raziel said thinking up a catchy rap to make.

Melchiah had decided that quite frankly, he was tired of fighting... he decided to get some exercise before giving his soul away and ran up and down in his chamber, passing through the walls of the cage he jumped up and down and smiled at his beloved brother...

Raziel got a record player and put on the 'Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I loovvee you' tune...

However what Melchiah and Raziel had forgotten, that the kitchens were still at work in Ol' Mcdonalds above, this was the grinding plant, and the kitchens needed some fresh meet... not knowing their vampric no.1 customer would be under the grinder, they pulled the lever and down it came.

Raziel saw the grinder coming down and tried to warn Melchiah, Melchiah tried to phase out of the cage but his horns were too big to fit... he was just ramming against it and screaming...

"Jump jump brother!" Raziel said

Melchiah kind of hopped a bit and landed upside down... seeing that he was gonna die he decided to give Raziel one last slightly helpful clue.

"Brother, we're all Sarafan warriors and Kain turned us from the light, Kain is currently in the Pillars of Nosgoth and you can get to him using the 'Phase through barriers' ability you will take from my soul to get there... by the way, when do you get the Soul Reaver which lets face it you will, your life will depend on the fact that you don't-" Melchiah was interrupted as he got grinded and his multicoloured soul was taken out of his 'lardlad' body.

Raziel shrugged and said "Ah I've still got more brothers" preparing to walk out the door, he was ambushed by Melchiah's soul which held him up and started whacking him.

Raziel then heard the one eyed octopus's words.

"Melchiah's multicoloured soul has given you the ability to walk through doors that you could smash open anyway... please remember, do not get stuck inside doors whilst phasing through them like Melchiah did... and stay away from grinders... thank you."

Raziel stood up, brushed himself off and ran backwards towards the grinder, not fully understanding, why grinders were dangerous... there he slept, but realising he couldn't shut his eyes due to the absence of eyelids, he started crying. No one knows why he cried, but in this reporters view, he was one misunderstood 'dude' I thank you.