One of the most dramatic parts of Soul Reaver I. "Oh no!" I hear you say "That cannot be a misunderstanding as well?!

This story is entitled

"When father met son PART I"

And is the time when Raziel and Kain met at the Pillars of Nosgoth...

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Raziel was having one of those dreams, the kind of dreams where the music is romantic and bounding, the sun is just rising and the scene is set in a glorious field.... he was running up to Kain with open arms and Kain was running up to him with open arms...

"LLAAAAAAAAA" screamed the chorus in the dream... and time froze for a split second as Raziel smiled.

As Raziel's arms reached Kain in the dream.... a Dumah vampire put a piece of paper saying

"KICK ME" on Raziels back.

Raziel felt the soft touch of the vampire, and sat bolt upright... waking up.

The vampire jumped back in shock.... for one of two reasons..

Raziel wasn't his best friend...

Raziel had a soul devouring antic and an ugly UGLY wart on his chin.

The Dumah vampire was about to run away when it realised it'd respawn eventually anyway... it simply stood there, a stupid confounded look on its face.

Raziel, who was wondering why he'd fallen asleep in the first place, opened a bucket of hot lead on the vampire....

Unfortunately... the bucket... was past its sell by date... and the vampire suffered from severe food poisoning.

After Raziel sorted this lil incident out (By brutally whacking the vampire, throwing him onto a bonfire and stealing his soul.) he decided to consult the Elder for some free, yet tiresome advice.

Raziel had just witnessed the death of his beloved little (yet big) brother Melchiah... although slightly confused to Melchiah's suicidal attitude, Raziel asked the mighty squid what he was to do next.

"The Pillars of Nosgoth..." the elder started "Are a merry place to be... with drink, drugs... and rock an' roooolll!!!!"

At that moment a chorus of strange men in suits with pianos burst into the Elder's chamber... the Elder placed a bowler hat on his head and started singing.

"And that's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it!... THATS THE WAY UH-HUH UH-HUH- " the elder was interrupted after one of the piano players shouted.

"WATCH OUT... THOSE DANCERS ARE PACKING HEAT!"

The female robotic dancers burst into the room through the walls... refusing to use doors. They carried AK-47 machine guns and gung-ho attitudes.

After blasting the room up and generally making a scene, they asked Raziel how he was still alive, and what he wanted.

To which Raziel replied.

"I''''mmmm allliivvveee willl allllwwaayyysss looovveee yoooouuu too bbeee loooovvveeeddd willl allllwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayssss looovvveeee yoooou."

Naturally by this time, everyone had guessed Raziel was going to sing, and had started a incredibly heated... and high waged game of checkers.

The bets had gone up to $500... and Raziel... was going for $501 on black. Since there was no black, Raziel decided to go for green.

Green lost... in the worst manner possible (Didn't even make the first move before the dancer keeled over with toothache) Raziel found himself with debts he just COULD NOT afford.

At that moment... the Elder God began to speak again.

"As I was saying..." The elder paused momentarily as the dancers filed out of the room, and the paramedics filed in, to aid the piano players. "The Pillars of Nosgoth are awfully nice in spring."

"With the sun... the trees" replied Raziel.

"The calming sea breeze..." said the Elder once again in a poetic voice.

"And then I go and spoil it all by murdering my first born aaannnndd kill his family." they said in unison.

"Anyway yeah that place, go there and you'll find the place is UP FOR SALE... DING DING DING... but unfortunately we got a lil bit of a squatter problem, some old guy there keeps saying its his... need you to steal his soul." The elder said.

"How much?" Raziel replied in a gangster type voice.

"50" The elder replied, a cigar protruding from its mouth.

"50 what?!... Last time you paid me in small newts.." Raziel said slightly annoyed.

"50k" The elder replied, equally calmly.

"I don't need k's... more of a p man myself." Raziel responded.

"No its da lingo man.... k is one thousand dude.. DDUUUDDDEE." The elder said in a vain effort to be 'cool'.

"So you'll give me 50 000 nothing, for stealing some squatters soul?" Raziel said, whilst the crowd looked on in suspense at another, more interesting TV show.

"Deal!" Replied the elder.

"No no, I'm the one whose accepting or declining here, you offered me 50k did you not?" Raziel replied.

"NO! I said 60!" The elder boomed.

"55!" Raziel said

"122!" Elder said back

At this point the dancers returned, unaware the scene had not finished and it was not their turn to come back.

Once the Elder and Raziel had settled on an agreement of the Elder supplying Raziel with a new kitten every month... Raziel set about his job.

Raziel prepared himself... he had a bucket of gravy and a very old, stupid looking small table... which he claimed contained the soul of Elvis.

Raziel lost these artefacts shortly after the authorities realised it was all a front for illegal weapons trafficking... the table was actually a high tech rail gun that could shoot through walls with Thermal imaging... this was to become a film starring Arnold Schwaznegger called 'Eraser'.

So Raziel got to the Pillars... asking various vampires for directions he arrived at the great Sanctuary of the Clans...

His official fan club had been based here... he was anxious to see how their T-Shirt business had fared during his absence.

Raziel tried to open the doors to the Sanctuary... but ohhh noo... he can push solid blocks of metal... push solid blocks of stones.. but open a rusty door, just NOT happening bub...

Raziel was informed later that opening the door would have ruined the story... since asking where Kain was after fighting him, was a slight contradiction...

Raziel was deeply disturbed when he realised he did not actually know what they meant, he was still struggling with the word 'door' in the phrase.

After a countless number of times forcing Raziel to read the dictionary and generally spelling it out to him... the writers gave up and told him to Phase through the impassable barrier that blocked one insurmountable path... Raziel understood perfectly, however this word door still disturbed him.

Would this door come back to haunt him in later life?

Anyhow, Raziel used Melchiah's soul to trade in a local betting shop, after putting 50 (soul bits that is) on

'Racing like a pro'

He returned to the pillars... with a bill for 100 (soul bits that is) in hand... he... had bet on the wrong horse... ... ... ... 5 times.

So Raziel attempted to phase through the barrier to the LEFT of the door... this made only problems, as Raziel rammed into the barrier he cursed violently... and thus the swear word censor was created!

After much shouting and general tantrum throwing, Raziel turned to the spectral realm and gave the Slaugh's in the area a damn good smacking.

Ok ok, I tell a lie... Raziel got a good smack from the Slaughs and ran desperately into the barrier.

Raziel, found himself levitating through the barrier with green bits flying around him.

"Whoa I'm either drunk... or SOMEONE slipped a lil something hot into my coffee.." Raziel said to himself.

It then dawned on Raziel... he couldn't drink coffee, as it would dissolve his physical manifestation... Raziel wondered what effect 7up would have on him.

After a number of gates to phase through, and nephew beatings, Raziel got to a room with a BIG door.

After numerous attempts to phase through this door, Raziel realised it was already opened... with this act Raziel received many MANY boos from the crowd, many a tomato was thrown... casualties were high on both sides... but eventually the crowd's lust for blood died... and they went onto pummel Government officials instead.

Raziel took a step through the threshold and saw the glorious pillars...

The pillars, reflected the mental state of their guardians... and therefore were on fire

Raziel noticed this and sang the song

"SOUL ON FIIIRRREEEE.....!!!!" Raziel did a little dance as he sang in the disco way... for no reason a disco ball appeared and everyone partied.

After the director shot all the guests, the scene resumed to normal.

The area was as the elder and Raziel had poetically rhymed... the sun shining... the old man hippy dude laughing... and generally a jivin' scene.

Then Raziel made a startling discovery.... his beloved pet dog was GONE!

"My dog... wiped from this land like excrement from a boot... I knew the hand that wrought this deed..." Raziel said, whilst shaking his fist at a giant hand that was dispensing wedgies and slaps to various people.

It also occurred to Raziel that the old crazy squatter was actually Kain... his father... and murderer.

However that WASN'T quite the case... Kain you see had murdered no one.

Raziel had grown wings.... surpassing his father... which frankly made him look like a boffin.

And there was only one act for boffins... eternal damnation.

So honestly, Raziel HADN'T been murdered, more eternally damned.

Kain did not carry out the deeds anyway... Raziel would realise that Kain had done nothing wrong, but Ronald.... had become jealous..

Jealous of the fact that Raziel could now deliver goods by airmail, and he was still using small and easily vandalised vans...

Ronald had put a sign labelled

"Kain"

On his forehead... and gave his employees similar signs that had the labels of all of the other brothers on it.

Raziel, not being known was his awareness... was casually looking off the end of the Abyss one fateful day.. when Ronald gave him a helpful nudge.

The last thing Raziel saw before he entered the burning embrace of the pure water... was a sign labelled

"Kian"

Raziel assumed this to mean Kain, despite the poor spelling.

"Raziel" Kain said... gradually getting up from his throne.

"Kain!" Raziel replied.

"The abyss has been unkind" replied Kain, noticing Raziel's wart.

"Yes, it was mean.. it called me podgy and stole my flab... then it took my eyes out" Raziel stopped as he saw the director urging him to read the script instead of describing personal experiences.

"I am your creation Kain" Raziel said

"Actually, I bought you from Argos... it was a great-" Kain stopped as the director shot a bullet in the floor in front of him.

"Now... as before... you criticise your own work." Raziel replied, twiddling his thumbs whilst saying his lines.

"But I-" Kain stopped as he got thrown back by a bullet.

"What have you done with my dog degenerate?!" Raziel replied.

"What I have stuck in a cage and fed bones to for 5 hours... I can also destroy child." replied Kain

"Damn you Kain! You are not Allah! This act of animal cruelty is unconsciable...!" Raziel said.

"Conscience...you dare to speak to me to of conscience?!" Kain said

"Well yeah otherwise I wouldn't have-" Raziel stopped as the director threw the gun at him.

"Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice..." Kain showed the gravity he had by jumping and being pulled back to the ground instantly "can you dare question my judgement!"

"Your lifespan..." continued Kain "Is but a flicker-"

"Would that be a big kinda flicker.. or one of those flickers that blind you when you're driving you know the kind in bridges." said Raziel

"Err... the first one." replied Kain.

"But a flicker... compared to the mass of doubt and regret I have born since Mortanius first turned me from the light." said Kain

At that moment Mortanius materialised... not one to like people talking behind his back.

"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING 'BOUT MY TONGUE MATE?" Screamed Mortanius

"Nah we were talking about ANOTHER Mortanius :wink wink:" replied Kain

"Thats ok then.. just I have had it up to here!" Mortanius made a short hand movement that reached Raziel's foot "With wandering hillbill.. I mean people who keep badmouthing my whole turning Kain into a vampire and killing us all antics!"

With this the Necromancer tried to vanish... the smoke didn't come... and Mortanius was hoisted out of the room with a rope for all to see.

"Back to the script... To know the fate of the world depends on the devisidness... devi... the cleverness! of my EVERY deed?!" with this Kain scratched his head... this caused an Earthquake in Tokyo.

"Can you even BEGIN to conceive what action you would take in my postion?!" Kain shouted.

"I would choose integrity Kain..." replied Raziel, wondering what the HELL 'choose' meant.

"Look around you Raziel" said Kain, failing to realise Raziel had a cape obstructing his eyes. "See what has become of our empire... witness the end of an age, the clans scattered to the edge of Nosgoth... this place has outlasted its usefulness... as have you." Kain lost his balance slightly here and fell over... revealing his sword.

Raziel pointed out to himself "The Soul Reaver, a bendy sword that doesn't look too dangerous... the legends claimed the sword was made of Pleistocene... and thrived by sticking to people's hair. For all our bravada we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger... ... ... it meant he was angry."

After this... Kain put the Soul Reaver in 'torch' mode... he wished to produce blue light effects to make the scene look better.

Unfortunately, Raziel, had assumed Kain was attempting to steal electricity illegally!

Raziel rushed over to his father and tapped him with his claw... Kain fell back in agony.

Kain then teleported elsewhere in the room... despite being able to teleport to the 2nd floor and shoot at Raziel from there.

After two more slappings... Kain's face was quite scratched.

Kain, who thought Raziel wanted some stolen electricity... zapped Raziel up which made him fly with pain.

Raziel... felt the power... he also felt ants.. ants in his pants! He fell the floor in agony... agony from the evil ants.

Kain, exhausted from teleporting... failed to hold the sword... it smashed on Raziel's head.

The sword melded around Raziel head, and melted away with a random, yet well placed explosion.

"The blade is vanquished... and so it unfolds." Said Kain, pointing to a piece of paper in the distance unfolding after someone had folded it in half. "And we are a step closer... to our destines."

Raziel was puzzled... did this mean Kain's destiny involved multiple sword droppings? Nevertheless... Raziel listened to Kain's musical laughter.

"I was sure I saw a blinding glint of satisfaction in Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver got stuck in my hair... I did not know the game he was playing" Raziel tripped over the Ludo board on the floor. "But I knew the finishing move."

Raziel was lying... he didn't know the finishing move... he didn't even know who he was... nevermind what Ludo was... OR how to win it.

The elder took this opportunity to steal the show

"From this moment and a few hours after, you and this blade are inexplicably bound... unless one of you is caught in a dangerous or perverted situation... Soul Reaver and Reaver of souls... your destinies are intertwined... like piano wire that kinda bends over another... yeah like that..."

Raziel pondered how and why the sword had the same title as him, despite not actually being alive...

He ALSO noticed he now had a blue flashy glowing thing on his arm.

"DUDE!" said Raziel as he took a step back.

The blade was filled with wraith energy... and Raziel was sure to find... ways of making it utterly useless... Raziel knew... that with this blade, he'd get free meals everywhere.

Raziel turned from the pillars, his new toy starting to bug him as he couldn't see due to its flashy blueness... before Ariel decided entered the scene.

As Ariel and Raziel mucked up their lines and ended up becoming strange strange STRANGE newlyweds... the director threw his arms up in despair.

His arms hit his head on the way down... the director... was never the same again.