Rahab, the only vampire who wasn't afraid of the deep end. or was he?

This one is called "Rahab - When lifeguards go nuts"

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Raziel remembered the countless times when Kain and his boys had gone down to the swimming pool for a family day out... back in the days of the empire... the excitement of packing ones trunk's, the giving wedgies to Zephon, Kain laughing in a fatherly way as he closed the boot of the car and drove down to the pool.

The problems always started when they got to the pool. As they all changed into their trunks and prepared for a fun dive... Kain sat on a table thinking back to his days out with his family... ... ... Kain remembered he had no memories like that and just kinda sat there with a vacant look on his face.

While Raziel, Dumah, Zephon, Turel and Melciah stood scared of jumping into the pool because of the mean looking kids in there... Rahab climbed the diving board and prepared for the ultimate dive.

Whilst Raziel looked with anticipation, Melchiah looked with a kind of cross eyed look (mainly cause his eyes were falling out at the time.), Zephon's eyes were behind a veil of makeup and spiders, Turel was looking at his feet and wondering how he'd get a good size shoe with those size claws ... and the less said about what Dumah was looking at the better.

Rahab did the thumbs up to Kain, who was looking vacantly at the floor... Rahab then jumped in.

"AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rahab was steaming and he ran in circles in the pool.

Melchiah, Zephon, Turel and Dumah stood there, not looking being able to look at what was happening. Kain still looking at the floor had now fallen off his chair, with various swimming attendants trying to help him up.

Raziel however... had seen his brother was injured... Raziel did the noble thing and pushed Melciah in whilst saying

"Go save him brother."

Melchiah fell to pieces in the pool, making a kind of bridge of dead flesh for Rahab to climb out of the pool in. Melchiah's body parts were sucked into the drainage system and inherited by a very happy chappy. (Now known as Micheal Jackson.)

(Of course Melchiah just stole the lifeguards body parts to replace his.)

Rahab was in a state, smoke still coming off him... Raziel looked on in horror as he realised the burgers had sold out. When Melchiah, Zephon, Dumah and Turel realised what was happening they also looked on in horror, as they were also quite peckish.

Kain however, had tried to comfort Rahab with the words.

"One day son, you'll learn to swim... you'll be the best... the best lifeguard in all of Nosgoth... I have faith in you my son."

However Kain, having realised he was talking to one of the attendants trying to put him in his chair, didn't feel like repeating himself and left Rahab to his own devices.

Rahab had sworn an oath he would never fail in swimming again and practised and practised everyday. Eventually the lifeguards got sick of telling him to get out of the pool cause he was a vampire... this only made Rahab more determined.

By the time Raziel had been accidently nudged into the Abyss, Rahab had become a lifeguard... almost devout to his job.

If a kid even looked as if he was in the deep end Rahab would say.

"NO KID!" and fire a telekinetic ball at them. Although this killed more than it saved, it showed Rahab to be a dedicated worker.

Back in the present day, Raziel had now been told that his brother had stown away in an Abbey. Raziel had saved his brother before, and the two had been quite close... apart from the whole 'Rahab trying to get Raziel execeutioned' thing.

Raziel tried to smile as he thought of the countless times Rahab had told his clan to go for a little swim... how they burned.. and what a mess they made for the Melciah vampires to clear up.

After going to see Ariel again and being told to KILL Rahab... Raziel decided to bring NO weapons this time. He would NOT kill Rahab... the best darn lifeguard around, he thought her mad, this didn't help when she started making chicken noises and flapping her arms to try and fly.

Raziel did however, want something from his brother... that little orange ring that lifeguards have in case someone was drowning... Raziel was desperate to get one so he could wrap the Elder God's tentacles in it and watch the Elder God get slowly dragged into either his blue whirlpool or the surface, so he'd either absorb his own soul in the 'wheeeel of fate' or punks would start throwing rocks at him.

Raziel made his way to where Ariel had told him to go. By making his way this meant Raziel had to take every detour he could till he found some wall climbing place.

After going around the entire world twice he realised Ariel had been holding out on him, and that the Pillars had a conveniently placed wall climbing bit.

Raziel stuck his claws in using Zephon's soul and gradually got higher and higher, till he let go of squar- I mean till he took his hand out to look at his watch and fell back down.

After several times of attempting to climb the wall, Ariel gave him a boost which failed miserably... so Raziel called in a bunch of vampires who were dressed as Stage technicians to make a block at that point so he could jump up there.

Of course Raziel was ignored, and Ariel ended up causing more harm than good... Raziel decided to just take the stairs instead.

After falling off the stairs several times, Raziel finally got up and carried on for a bit.

Raziel stopped when he reached a little tower with a sign above it.

The words "SARAFAN HIDEOUT" were crossed out with a red marker pen and the words "VAMPIRE TOWER LEADING TO RAHAB" written instead.

"Gah, bet the Elder God's gonna go into some lecture and I'm gonna have to go into the spectral realm and the floor'll open up right after I find out my brothers and I were once Sarafan who wanted to kill Kain..."

Raziel walked in, and as expected an FMV sequence started.

"Oh great." Raziel looked inside his former coffin and admired the groove his body had formed in it.

"Raziel, you and your brothers were one workers at McDonalds... your parents... running out of ideas to name you... decided to name you after dead Sarafan priests." As expected the Elder God went on and on. "Kain was gonna take the Sarafan's soul, but then he realised the VAT on them would be enormous and settled for the souls of a bunch of geeky teens who died in a car crash."

"You mean?!" shouted Raziel in alarm

"Yes Raziel... you once were a burger serving hillbilly!" Replied the Elder God

"Nah, I wasn't gonna ask that... I was gonna ask whether the roof of this tower was built out of bricks or crudely made plastic." said Raziel.

"Well I believe, that the bricks were cursed by Kain's evil empire, meaning you should kill him no-" said the Elder God trying to sway Raziel.

"You don't appear to be answering my question... in fact you never answer anyone's questions, you just kinda sit there, ask someone to kill a load of people, then at the very end you say "Oh I can't help you anymore"." Replied Raziel

"Hey look! I didn't sign up for this job... when I came here they said 'Oh yes you'll be the lead role, you'll get the best job and you'll be hitting stardom.' what did I get? The voice of a creature that by all decent laws should be locked up in a zoo... do you know, how many kids come down to my chamber and start saying to their parents. 'Mummy mummy look, an ugly man!' I AM A THEME PARK ATTRACTION... I'm the freakin' mook whose as much use as the pope-" the FMV ended and Raziel, having stolen a wad of cash that was left in a bag marked 'RANSOM MONEY PLEASE RELEASE MY DAUGHTER.' fell over.

The fall was quite hard and killed Raziel, he faded back into the spectral realm and proceeded to fall much further as the floor opened up.

Raziel tried to brush himself off, but thought better of it when he realised he hadn't washed his hands and continued to walk on.

Getting to an area that looked like a great place for a brawl, Raziel caught sight of some sort of creature with the head of a bull, the body of an 8 year old... and REAL sore red eyes.

Raziel feeling he needed directions tapped the thing on the shoulder and said

"Excuse me... could you... kind of erm... point me in the direction of Rahab... .... ... please?" Asked Raziel.

The creature, not fully understanding who he was... and not understanding who Raziel was... said

"I don't understand."

Raziel said again

"I am looking.. for my brother Rahab... can you-" Raziel got interrupted

"I don't understand" replied the rather bewildered figure.

Raziel took a step forward towards the figure.

"Its a simple..." Raziel stopped as the creature, scared out of its incredibly small wits, ran off the side of the ledge into the water below. "Well, I get the feeling I need a bath."

The elder God's voice boomed up once more.

"Consuming Morloch's soul has-" the Elder was interrupted.

"Whoa whoa whoa... Morloch? And I haven't consumed any souls yet.... this is gonna hurt isn't it?" Raziel said, catching sight of the purple blobs heading in his direction.

The soul, as expected, beat Raziel around a lot... and Raziel ended up having to hold R1 to auto target the soul... now the real fight began.

Well, it wasn't so much of a real fight as it was Raziel swiping once, realising he couldn't hit the soul and getting zapped by it.

"As I was saying, consuming Morloch's soul has given you the power to fire stuff at other stuff, this also stuns vampires and once you bless the Reaver in fire makes the games 100 times easier." continued the Elder God

"If it wasn't easy already... with the sucky nephews who are so damn stupid and slow... except those Blackjack playing spiders... they're so damned evil anyway... yeah I'll go and cause more trouble by throwing bubbles at other things. Wonder if I can smash a few windows with this too." Raziel said as everyone ignored him.

Well Raziel continued running really fast with his hands flapping about, he then decided to walk or "sneak" which made him look like some sort of gangster, before finally crouching and walking about.

The Rahabiam vampires, had caught sight of Raziel a long way off, and had thought him insane... they reported this to their master... and their master told them to shove it.

So that's precisely what they did... they each got spears... and 'shoved it'... to say Raziel was shocked when he walked past... would be a total lie.

"Well seems like a great place.. the fresh sight of water everywhere, excellent gothic architecture, a fire forge I can make my Reaver ultimately powerful with and not a nephew to offend the eye.

However not all the Rahabiam were suicidal, and one or two still stood standing, either wondering what in tarnation had happened while they were in the toilet for two seconds... or they just stood there singing tunes to themselves.

Well Raziel solved a bunch of puzzles that were mind numbingly hard... having found the forge he 'blessed' the reaver.

This involved placing his head in the flames shouting the word

"EXTREME!!!!!"

and doing a rain dance. After doing these pointless exercises Raziel put his hand in the fire and watched it catch light.

The Elder God had a sore throat and uttered but one phrase.

"Raziel, you're a stupid fool and I want to disown you... the sooner you go away the sooner I can see my family, now shut up and fly right."

Raziel, heeding these words ran into the water to stop the burning.

Raziel had forgotten that swimming wasn't a good idea... and was laughed at by a bunch of Slaugh as he faded into the Spectral realm. (Didn't help that he had no trunks on.)

Well after carrying on once more, he bumped into one of these non-suicidal Rahabiam vampires.

Eager to try out his new powers he initiated conversation with the vampire.

"What is your opinion on the topic of fire bub?" Raziel said.

The vampire turned around and Raziel saw the horror... ... ... it had GILLS and IT.. WAS... a FISH.

"Oh sorry, I thought you were a vampire... you must be one of them flying fish things." Raziel said backing away from the vampire.

The vampire, still humming to itself nodded at Raziel.

"Wait" said Raziel. "Flying fish only fly when there is tropical weather and there is food to catch..."

Raziel looked outside and saw that there was a jungle marked 'Tropical'... Raziel also noticed the vampire munching on a human who appeared to be dead and at the vampire's feet.

"Oh, nevermind then" said Raziel.

Still Raziel decided to fire a fire projectile at the fish as he walked away, and let out a little schoolboy giggle as the vampire ran in circles before collapsing into a goldfish bowl.

As Raziel went along he pulled the spears out of some of the fish and then beat them about before stabbing them again. Gave him some well needed exercise as well as keeping the fishes active, "They do say" said Raziel to himself "That fishes need exercise."

Raziel didn't seem to care that, normally, if you speared a flying fish, when you removed the spear it did not re-animate its corpse... but then Raziel had been an ignorant fellow.

A lot of falling into water and burning later, Raziel came across the FINAL door... the music became fishy... the stench was fishy... even the door was fishy. (It fell over before Raziel even looked at it.)

Raziel was now looking at a room that had a big water pit, 3 windows, and a BIG fish.

Well the first thing Raziel thought of was catching the big fish. He got out his 'fish catching' chair, a fishing rod, some maggots (found in Melciah's eyes) as bait and sat there for a good few... ... hou- minut- seconds before jumping out of his chair and shouting wildly.

"Big fish! You will jump onto my rod or I will come down there and... ... Generally annoy you!" shouted Raziel.

The fish let out in a loud booming voice. "Go on then, come down here."

Raziel, now quite annoyed jumped into the water and instantly died.

Getting back into the material realm as soon as he could Raziel jumped back into the pool again. This circle went on for around another millennium.

Until one day Raziel stopped as the fish sat there laughing at him.

"Tell me Fish... what manner of creature are you?" said Raziel.

"Oh, I'm your brother Rahab... I don't know who you are, but I am sure I am your brother... errr... so yeah." said Rahab

"Oh cool... do you have one of those rubber ring things?" asked Raziel.

"Its on the floor next to you." Rahab said

"Ah yes I've tripped over it a few times, thought it was just someone's boomerang though." said Raziel. "So brother... how's life guarding going?"

"Ah, had to give that up after I became a giant fish." boomed Rahab.

"Damn those fat cats... not giving you the job just cause you're a giant fish." exclaimed Raziel in protest.

"Yeah... and its not like I made a BIG mess... sure I killed everyone, knocked down the building and stole some chairs... but in this day and age who cares." said Rahab.

"Thats terrible, they can't fire you for that." replied Raziel.

"Then Kain put me in this pit and I've been here for about... well 2500 years really. Made a pretty good mark on the wall, which I am highly proud of." said Rahab putting a fin on his chest and looking smug.

"I'll admit it Rahab you've done well... so I can take this boomer- I mean life saver thing?" said Raziel.

"Ok then little... I mean bigger brother... by the way can you open the windows its getting a little stuffy in here." Rahab asked.

"Most certainly" Said Raziel as he looked at the 3 windows.

Raziel, deciding to save time, decided to smash open all three at the same time by throwing his boomera... life thingy and making it swirl around and hit all three windows.

All three smashed then the big one concealed in the roof did too BOOM... McDonald staff descended through the windows into the pit.

Using eye laser beams they instantly killed Raziel, leaving a battered (haha) Rahab left to defend his pit.

Rahab fought bravely, but the employees simply positioned a mirror so that all 4 sunlight traces hit Rahab... Rahab burned... of course being in water the fire died down and he just kinda sat there wondering what'd happen next.

As the employees each jumped out of the windows each kicking Rahab they placed stickers all over the room of Ronald's beaming face, holding Raziel's head in one hand and a happy meal in the other.

Raziel phased back, to see Rahab sitting there... his head brutally kicked he floated there... Raziel went to put a plaster on the wound when Rahab moved.

"Brother... run... the bomb... its in my wound... I'M the bomb. Brother, I will always love you... now go... go my brother." said Rahab as he faded.

"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raziel as he realised his boomerang had landed on Rahab's head.

"My brother do not scream for me... I shall live on forever in your heart and soul." comforted Rahab.

Raziel wanted that life guard ring thing... but it seemed sacrifices must be made in order to defeat Ronald.. He sighed as he remembered the great times he and that ring had... whilst Rahab sat there floating in his own juices, Raziel ran into a door, went backwards and ran back into Rahab. After realising he'd gone nowhere and the bomb was at 0:05 he threw himself out one of the windows.

The abbey exploded leaving behind McDonald scented rocks and fish parts. The ring, fell to the floor... in cinders.

In the cinders Raziel made his oath... he knew the hand that wrought this deed.

Raziel turned from the burning rubble, with dramatic music playing, after slipping over a fish head and falling onto a spear which made him go into the specteral realm, he again resumed walking into the distance... only to find out, he had no idea where he was going.

But then another soul started stalking him, Raziel could guess what was gonna happen.

The soul gave Raziel a high five before slapping him to the floor and spitting on him.

The Elder's voice once again boomed out.

"Rahab's smelly soul has given you the ability to swim, because you hav never swam before you'll most likely be an extremely good swimmer who can fire projectiles at things underwater... travel to some place where you need to swim to progress through your deesstttinnny... I mean the game!"

Raziel continued to walk into the distance... failing to realise, he now had gills and a flipper. He hit himself with his own flipper and collapsed in a fury of rage and fishiness.