Next story! When father met son PART II...
This is set at the end of the game... Raziel has somehow made his way in a drunken rage through the Oracle's caves and has arrived at the Star portals...
And remember, sons are for Christmas, not just for life.
---------------------------------------------------------
The director felt like celebrating... the game was nearly at an end! Just one more scene and finally... FINALLY he'd have a game he could release. He had all the artwork... he had all the console deals... he even had the Soul Reaver T-shirt.... but what he didn't have was a decent cast.
Raziel was in a happy mood... he'd just killed all his brothers (except Turel who he assumed was having a nice round of golf and whom he did not wish to bother.) and had severely wounded his father. Not to mention the hundreds of nephews he'd slaughtered the various ancient souls he had devoured.... the shrines he had desecrated.... the various rocks, which he had kicked at people.
But most of all.... the love he had spread.
Raziel let out a heart-warming sigh as he thought of all the couples he'd brought together...
Then it dawned on Raziel, none of those couples had paid him... ... .... ever!
"Oh well" mumbled Raziel as he continued down the winding passage ways "I'm sure wherever they are, they're happy."
A couple Raziel had 'set-up' burst through the roof and started grappling with each other... they were both Turelieum vampires and had been well err... making out... hurr hum when Raziel saw them last.
"What trickery is this?!" shouted Raziel "Is this one of Kain's delusions?! Does he really expect me to believe this?"
"You stupid little pig! Teach you to kill my parents!" shouted the male vampire.
"You mook, they were stealing your wedding dress! I merely spared you from total dissolution!" said the female vampire... not wondering why she was quoting what the Elder had said at the start of the game.
"Wedding dress?! But I wasn't wearing a wedding dress!" said the male vampire.
"You're right.... I was!" said the female vampire
"Aaaw lets quit all this fighting and make it up with some loving!" said the male vampire as the two hugged each other...
The romantic chords played and chimed.
Raziel who stood a distance away, had not fully understood the situation, and assumed the female vampire was preparing a Vulcan death strike on the Male vampire by grappling him to the floor!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raziel as he activated bullet time and jumped at the two... he pulled out his soul reaver and began to fire.
The projectiles moved slowly and for no reason at all various security personnel jumped out.
"CALL FOR BACKUP!" screamed one of the guards...
Then as one would have guessed, the Matrix music started playing.
As the projectiles hit the female vampire, the male vampire stood in horror...
"MY LOVE!!!!" shouted the male vampire... "Where art thou my love?!" the male vampire failed to realise that she was right in front of him... ... ... on a spike.
The guards wondered what in tarnation was going on as the female vampire's radioactive soul flew about... they then started shooting at Raziel who sidestepped behind a pillar.
The male vampire swore revenge, failing to also realise that pushing his lover off the spike would bring her back to life... intelligence was something he'd left at home.
The male vampire suddenly got given a black agent suit and sunglasses, not knowing what they were for he promptly ate them.
The male vampire, was hastily replaced by the director... who did look marginally like an agent.
The guards, began to wonder why
a) A vampyric woman was suspended on a spike
b) The big male vampire had been thrown away by a small man in a suit
c) Time kept slowing down all the time
d) Why the strange guy with no eyes in front of them could fire projectiles
e) Why pay rises just were not included in their jobs
and finally
f) What they were doing here in the first place.
Nevertheless... the guards continued to shoot at the pillar, not realising Raziel was standing next to it.
Raziel once again put bullet time on... and tried to run up the wall (Which I am proud to say I can do... honest I can run up walls like they do in the Matrix.. but anyway) this failed miserably when Raziel's claw got stuck in the wall and he stuck to it as opposed to running along it.
After hitting the jump button he found himself climbing up the wall...
The guards, after shooting the pillar down... realised perhaps the guy they were after was elsewhere.
One instantly found Raziel... and engaged in a voodoo dance with him.
Raziel found voodoo dancing highly difficult whilst stuck to a wall... and began to slip.
The other guards had now realised that voodoo dancing was illegal and shot at the guard who was dancing.
The guard got shot through the wall, and as the small MDF wall was demolished a random lava flow burst out.
One guard shouted "BLOCK THE EXITS!"
But none of the other guards knew what an exit was and just simply shot at Raziel.
At this point the actor who played Raziel was taken away and was replaced by a stunt man...
The bullet time effect was then added as the stunt man jumped off the wall and did a 540 degree flip... as he landed on the floor Raziel quickly threw him out the way and fired random projectiles in random directions.
None of the guards were injured or harmed in anyway, but the background crew soon changed that.
Each guard was slowly dragged away by the mystery force and could be heard screaming.
It was simply the director... and Raziel.
The director wanted to get rid of this actor once and for all... and jumped up to attack him with a flying kick.
Raziel responded by jumping with a flying kick and both used bullet time.
The camera spun around as the player held down the left and right shoulder buttons.
The director's kick hit first and Raziel was thrown against the wall.
Raziel quickly rose to his feet as the agent ran up to him.
Left punch right punch sweep kick... is what would have happened had Raziel not cheated by pulling the director's tie.
The director quickly responded with a reverse kick, and stopped momentarily to re-adjust his tie.
Raziel's plan had failed, he did not compensate for the director's tie making abilities...
The director smiled at finally having a good game at last.
Raziel tried to fire a projectile at the director, but the director did that dodge thing and tripped over.... watching the projectile fly past.
Raziel then wildly spun at the director hitting wherever he could.
The director spun him in the opposite direction and Raziel went through the wall.
Unfortunately for the director, the wall Raziel had just fallen through led straight into the time streaming chamber... where Kain was sitting on a deck chair rehearsing his lines!!!
The director quickly got the intercom and addressed Kain and Raziel quietly...
"Improvise!! Quickly!" the intercom then slipped out of his hand as a guard struggled out and shot his hand...
Kain jumped out of his chair, which folded as it fell to the floor...
Raziel tried to look surprised.... as Kain stood aghast for a few seconds.
Kain looked up and saw the director making hand signals to make something up... QUICK.
"Errr... at last...I must say I'm disappointed in your err... hurrr.." Kain stood looking at his feet for a second desperately trying to remember what was on the script... "PROGRESS! that's the one...I imagined you'd be here in suede boo.. I mean sooner! Tell me, did it trouble you to slightly bug your brothers?"
Raziel looked up... wondering whether Kain was talking to him or not...
"Ohhhh err yeeess... yes it did" Raziel smiled smugly... but received a look of horror from the Director.
Raziel gave the director a thumb up signal, to which the director replied with a massive scream. (Which is what you hear in the game.)
"Sooo err... did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?" Raziel replied smiling slightly.
"Yes, took us 5 and a half people to lift your immense weight, then another 20 to fill that lake up so we could drop you in it." replied Kain looking for words.
The director dropped a stone on Kain's head, to which Kain responded by giving Raziel a completely opposite answer.
"No!... I had faith in you... in your ability to come back to life and read from a script...and err your hate... for err self righteous... boot buying book selling bootlegging yet anti antics."
"Lieeesss ALLLL liieeessss... you see it says here on THIS rock." said Raziel showing Kain a rock "That none of that is true."
"Eternity is relentless Raziel... as is this stone!" Kain tried to throw the stone away but it fell out of his hand. "When I first fell into this chamber a few minutes ago.. I did not fathom the true power of knowledge, and I still don't. But... I do know things now... hurr hum... lots of things... like you err... have err.. legs.. to know the legs Raziel... to see its paths and streams of errr legs tracing out into an infinite length of trouser length.
As a man... I could have sold these truths for extortionate prices, but each of us is so much more ugly looking than we once were. Gazing out of this window onto a big rock that looks slightly bigger than another rock, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like monkey headed chumps??? And as such, are we not indivisible?"
Kain stood smug, feeling he had created a very good script.
Raziel yawned as he had no knowledge and no idea what Kain was saying.
The director was emitting steam from the roof... at Kain's pointless story that made no sense.
"As long as a single one of stands... we... are a legion... granted not a very happy or crowded legion... but still if I say we're a legion we're a legion... you got that?!" Finished Kain.
"Very poetic Kain, especially liked the use of synonyms and various rhyming tools." replied Raziel, who was quite a poet.
"Thank you my friend" Said Kain
"Anytime daddy-o" said Raziel.
"Soooo err...." mumbled Kain
"Heh yeah... sooooooo " Raziel sighed.
Then Raziel remembered the electricity Kain had been stealing... the crimes of stealing was something Raziel could not stand! Especially when Kain used it on Raziel and gave him a damn good shocking...
"But in the end, you offer a convenient rationalisation for your crimes." said Raziel slightly angry.
"Indeed it is an offer... raise you 50!" replied Kain
"DEAL!" shouted Raziel.
"Oh by the way" started Kain "These chambers offer insight to those patient enough to watch... in your haste to err... land in my chamber on top of my LOVELY deck chair perhaps you have not stopped to look"
"Actually, I did... several times, as I fell down ya see I caught site of each of the portals and saw the time streams... very nice I especially like the wallpaper, its very nice." said Raziel
"Did you know that our futures are predestined?" Said Kain
"Wow? Really? Tell me more!" gasped Raziel.
"See Moebius was telling me-" Kain was interrupted
"Booooooooooooooooooooooooooring" said Raziel "Did you know I've been to the Sarafan place Kain? Your dirty mess has been cleaned up by yours truly, just needed a bit of a dusting and vacuuming."
"Oh yeah, you see the opened coffins whose names just happened to be the same names as you and your brothers?" said Kain.
"Yeah I kinda did." said Raziel.
"Rats... so err you hate me now?" Kain pointed out.
"Ohhh yeeaaahhh I'm meant to hate- err yes I do demon!" replied Raziel "How did you turn a long dead Sarafan priest into a vampire by the way?"
"Well ya see... one must keep his friends close... which is why I keep a lot of parrots by my throne.... but his enemies even closer, so if a fight DOES start we can all shake hands much quicker." started Kain "Can you grasp..." Kain noticed Raziel's hands weren't too good for grasping things and so changed the topic "There is an absurd beautiful paradox somewhere here errr... I'll show you it in a second just gotta find it."
"Yeah its over there somewhere buddy." Raziel said looking for this paradox.
"Ah well, it basically just said we're the same... despite the Sarafan being holy human warriors and me being some undead vampire sk8terdude... think it said that anyway." said Kain in a high tone of voice. "Who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all... passion and... erm valentine cards?" Kain stopped, knowing he would pay for that line.
"Well I'm not gonna applaud, my hands hurt too much, but nice clever blasphemy, I think I'll write that one down actually." said Raziel
"Yeah go ahead, got plenty more catchphrases where that came from." said Kain.
"Some guys out there were saying I was a noble out there." said Raziel looking for a pen.
"Yeah I kinda... made you into a.. kinda fatcat when you were alive.. but nothings too good for my boy right?!" said Kain
Raziel, who hated nobility and fatcats immediately shouted.
"The Sarafan were PEASANTS! Defending Nosgoth from the fatcats that we represent!!! My eyes are damaged Kain... therefore I can see no nobility in any life you can throw at a corpse!"
"You have discovered a dictionary by your use of the word Peasant, but you know nothing of it." replied Kain "You think the Sarafan were peasants? Poor and stupid?! Heh don't try and be clever sonny Jim, you're as thick as a large boat. They're agenda was the same as mine... find the Nazi gold and pray PRAY that no one else wants it!"
"You are lost in some kind of maze" said Raziel "A maze of joy... but not PURE joy...these dictionaries and random slogans... what game are you playing by the way?"
"I'm playing Ludo." said Kain "Do you want to play?"
"Errr.... yes" said Raziel... after he realised he didn't know what Ludo was he refused.
"I know! We can play Destiny!" said Kain
"Ah yes that loveable dice rolling game!" said Raziel
"Now, you await my latest move!" said Kain
"Well yeah, since you haven't moved yet..." said Raziel
"Indeed.... innndddeeeeeed." replied Kain.
The two stood there for a time wondering what to do next.
Then the director somersaulted down and decided to beat them both up.
But then the twist in the story occurred... McDonalds had begun its attack... just as the Director was about to pummel Kain, the building shook.
At that moment, 5 helicopters took the roof of the chamber off and flew it away... then a massive spaceship descended on the characters.
"Director.. what is happening?!" shouted Raziel
"Stay behind me children, I will save you!" said the director as Kain and Raziel cowered behind him.
As the spaceship landed the Imperial March tune from Starwars played and the hanger doors opened.
Guards with the McDonalds insignia on their uniforms walked out, clad in massively powerful armour and energy guns... they lined up against the spaceship as a mighty figure could be seen coming out of the doors.
"RONALD!" shouted the director
"Director... we meet again" replied Ronald...
As Ronald descended from his ship, his striped uniform glittered immensely... energy was flowing around him... his clown like faced reflected the evil within his soul.
The director took a step back as Ronald walked towards him... towering over him.
"It seems, that you have been causing trouble director... and we do not like trouble do we?" boomed Ronald.
"Noo-no no sir..." said the director.
Kain began to cry... Raziel clung to him.
The director suddenly found a burst of courage... which he traded for a spiced bean. He then realised he could fight his way out.
As he moved into his director-fighting stance... the doors of the time streaming device burst open and more soldiers came out.
Then 20 ground digging vehicles burst out of the floor, revealing another 200 soldiers, all emotionless armour clad warriors.
The director stood there punching air as Kain and Raziel egged him on with such phrases as
"Get 'em Jimmy" and "Good GOD whats that on your back?"
That's when the guns got out... the director took out his use and jumped at Ronald firing his machine gun.
Ronald dodged out the way, and Raziel and Kain both ran into the soldiers.
As Raziel and Kain took on the soldiers, by getting hit by their bullets and bouncing them back at them. The director and Ronald duelled with breadsticks.
"Give it up old man, it is hopeless!" boomed Ronald.
"Never!" the director swung around emitting a spark as his bread stick hit Ronald's
"I am your master Director... BOW before me!" screamed Ronald.
The director bowed being a polite man, then continued to fight with the bread stick.
Raziel and Kain continued to be pummelled by the soldiers... who had yet to figure out that bullets would not kill the vampires.
Ronald used his magic to push the director back and advanced to stab him with the breadstick, the but the director somersaulted backwards into the soldiers.
The director caught site of Raziel and Kain... he knew he could not live through this one... better to save his actors so they might give him a better funeral than save himself and pay for other people's funerals.
"You two mooks! Go into that portal!" screamed the director as bullets went around him and he faced Ronald with the breadstick.
"But director! You'll-" said Kain
"Don't worry about me! Just go!" said the Director
"I can't care less about you, its my pay check! You'll forget to give me my paycheck!" shouted Kain
"Just gooooooooooooooooooooo" screamed the director.
The sound threw Raziel back a step, which in turn pushed Kain into the portal... Raziel jumped in to save Kain, but failed to realise that jumping head first into teleporting portals was not a good plan for getting someone else out.
As Raziel dived he caught sight of the battle behind him... the director taking shots and frantically waving his stick around.
"Farewell director... you hath serv-" Raziel was interrupted
"Just go you mook of a mook!" shouted the director.
Raziel decided to stop flying in mid air and go through the portal after a bullet hit him again.
The director decided fighting was for wussies and put his breadstick in the air...
"Lets stop this destructive conflict and bring ORDER back to the gala-" said The director before Ronald shoved his breadstick into his eye.
"NOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo" screamed an unrelated person when they saw Bambi's mother die.
And thus... Soul Reaver... the unedited version was born.
Director RIP 1500-(does someone have a calendar what day is it to- oh only need the year ok thanks) 2003.
For in death... you may no longer pay taxes to a government you do not believe in.
This is set at the end of the game... Raziel has somehow made his way in a drunken rage through the Oracle's caves and has arrived at the Star portals...
And remember, sons are for Christmas, not just for life.
---------------------------------------------------------
The director felt like celebrating... the game was nearly at an end! Just one more scene and finally... FINALLY he'd have a game he could release. He had all the artwork... he had all the console deals... he even had the Soul Reaver T-shirt.... but what he didn't have was a decent cast.
Raziel was in a happy mood... he'd just killed all his brothers (except Turel who he assumed was having a nice round of golf and whom he did not wish to bother.) and had severely wounded his father. Not to mention the hundreds of nephews he'd slaughtered the various ancient souls he had devoured.... the shrines he had desecrated.... the various rocks, which he had kicked at people.
But most of all.... the love he had spread.
Raziel let out a heart-warming sigh as he thought of all the couples he'd brought together...
Then it dawned on Raziel, none of those couples had paid him... ... .... ever!
"Oh well" mumbled Raziel as he continued down the winding passage ways "I'm sure wherever they are, they're happy."
A couple Raziel had 'set-up' burst through the roof and started grappling with each other... they were both Turelieum vampires and had been well err... making out... hurr hum when Raziel saw them last.
"What trickery is this?!" shouted Raziel "Is this one of Kain's delusions?! Does he really expect me to believe this?"
"You stupid little pig! Teach you to kill my parents!" shouted the male vampire.
"You mook, they were stealing your wedding dress! I merely spared you from total dissolution!" said the female vampire... not wondering why she was quoting what the Elder had said at the start of the game.
"Wedding dress?! But I wasn't wearing a wedding dress!" said the male vampire.
"You're right.... I was!" said the female vampire
"Aaaw lets quit all this fighting and make it up with some loving!" said the male vampire as the two hugged each other...
The romantic chords played and chimed.
Raziel who stood a distance away, had not fully understood the situation, and assumed the female vampire was preparing a Vulcan death strike on the Male vampire by grappling him to the floor!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raziel as he activated bullet time and jumped at the two... he pulled out his soul reaver and began to fire.
The projectiles moved slowly and for no reason at all various security personnel jumped out.
"CALL FOR BACKUP!" screamed one of the guards...
Then as one would have guessed, the Matrix music started playing.
As the projectiles hit the female vampire, the male vampire stood in horror...
"MY LOVE!!!!" shouted the male vampire... "Where art thou my love?!" the male vampire failed to realise that she was right in front of him... ... ... on a spike.
The guards wondered what in tarnation was going on as the female vampire's radioactive soul flew about... they then started shooting at Raziel who sidestepped behind a pillar.
The male vampire swore revenge, failing to also realise that pushing his lover off the spike would bring her back to life... intelligence was something he'd left at home.
The male vampire suddenly got given a black agent suit and sunglasses, not knowing what they were for he promptly ate them.
The male vampire, was hastily replaced by the director... who did look marginally like an agent.
The guards, began to wonder why
a) A vampyric woman was suspended on a spike
b) The big male vampire had been thrown away by a small man in a suit
c) Time kept slowing down all the time
d) Why the strange guy with no eyes in front of them could fire projectiles
e) Why pay rises just were not included in their jobs
and finally
f) What they were doing here in the first place.
Nevertheless... the guards continued to shoot at the pillar, not realising Raziel was standing next to it.
Raziel once again put bullet time on... and tried to run up the wall (Which I am proud to say I can do... honest I can run up walls like they do in the Matrix.. but anyway) this failed miserably when Raziel's claw got stuck in the wall and he stuck to it as opposed to running along it.
After hitting the jump button he found himself climbing up the wall...
The guards, after shooting the pillar down... realised perhaps the guy they were after was elsewhere.
One instantly found Raziel... and engaged in a voodoo dance with him.
Raziel found voodoo dancing highly difficult whilst stuck to a wall... and began to slip.
The other guards had now realised that voodoo dancing was illegal and shot at the guard who was dancing.
The guard got shot through the wall, and as the small MDF wall was demolished a random lava flow burst out.
One guard shouted "BLOCK THE EXITS!"
But none of the other guards knew what an exit was and just simply shot at Raziel.
At this point the actor who played Raziel was taken away and was replaced by a stunt man...
The bullet time effect was then added as the stunt man jumped off the wall and did a 540 degree flip... as he landed on the floor Raziel quickly threw him out the way and fired random projectiles in random directions.
None of the guards were injured or harmed in anyway, but the background crew soon changed that.
Each guard was slowly dragged away by the mystery force and could be heard screaming.
It was simply the director... and Raziel.
The director wanted to get rid of this actor once and for all... and jumped up to attack him with a flying kick.
Raziel responded by jumping with a flying kick and both used bullet time.
The camera spun around as the player held down the left and right shoulder buttons.
The director's kick hit first and Raziel was thrown against the wall.
Raziel quickly rose to his feet as the agent ran up to him.
Left punch right punch sweep kick... is what would have happened had Raziel not cheated by pulling the director's tie.
The director quickly responded with a reverse kick, and stopped momentarily to re-adjust his tie.
Raziel's plan had failed, he did not compensate for the director's tie making abilities...
The director smiled at finally having a good game at last.
Raziel tried to fire a projectile at the director, but the director did that dodge thing and tripped over.... watching the projectile fly past.
Raziel then wildly spun at the director hitting wherever he could.
The director spun him in the opposite direction and Raziel went through the wall.
Unfortunately for the director, the wall Raziel had just fallen through led straight into the time streaming chamber... where Kain was sitting on a deck chair rehearsing his lines!!!
The director quickly got the intercom and addressed Kain and Raziel quietly...
"Improvise!! Quickly!" the intercom then slipped out of his hand as a guard struggled out and shot his hand...
Kain jumped out of his chair, which folded as it fell to the floor...
Raziel tried to look surprised.... as Kain stood aghast for a few seconds.
Kain looked up and saw the director making hand signals to make something up... QUICK.
"Errr... at last...I must say I'm disappointed in your err... hurrr.." Kain stood looking at his feet for a second desperately trying to remember what was on the script... "PROGRESS! that's the one...I imagined you'd be here in suede boo.. I mean sooner! Tell me, did it trouble you to slightly bug your brothers?"
Raziel looked up... wondering whether Kain was talking to him or not...
"Ohhhh err yeeess... yes it did" Raziel smiled smugly... but received a look of horror from the Director.
Raziel gave the director a thumb up signal, to which the director replied with a massive scream. (Which is what you hear in the game.)
"Sooo err... did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?" Raziel replied smiling slightly.
"Yes, took us 5 and a half people to lift your immense weight, then another 20 to fill that lake up so we could drop you in it." replied Kain looking for words.
The director dropped a stone on Kain's head, to which Kain responded by giving Raziel a completely opposite answer.
"No!... I had faith in you... in your ability to come back to life and read from a script...and err your hate... for err self righteous... boot buying book selling bootlegging yet anti antics."
"Lieeesss ALLLL liieeessss... you see it says here on THIS rock." said Raziel showing Kain a rock "That none of that is true."
"Eternity is relentless Raziel... as is this stone!" Kain tried to throw the stone away but it fell out of his hand. "When I first fell into this chamber a few minutes ago.. I did not fathom the true power of knowledge, and I still don't. But... I do know things now... hurr hum... lots of things... like you err... have err.. legs.. to know the legs Raziel... to see its paths and streams of errr legs tracing out into an infinite length of trouser length.
As a man... I could have sold these truths for extortionate prices, but each of us is so much more ugly looking than we once were. Gazing out of this window onto a big rock that looks slightly bigger than another rock, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like monkey headed chumps??? And as such, are we not indivisible?"
Kain stood smug, feeling he had created a very good script.
Raziel yawned as he had no knowledge and no idea what Kain was saying.
The director was emitting steam from the roof... at Kain's pointless story that made no sense.
"As long as a single one of stands... we... are a legion... granted not a very happy or crowded legion... but still if I say we're a legion we're a legion... you got that?!" Finished Kain.
"Very poetic Kain, especially liked the use of synonyms and various rhyming tools." replied Raziel, who was quite a poet.
"Thank you my friend" Said Kain
"Anytime daddy-o" said Raziel.
"Soooo err...." mumbled Kain
"Heh yeah... sooooooo " Raziel sighed.
Then Raziel remembered the electricity Kain had been stealing... the crimes of stealing was something Raziel could not stand! Especially when Kain used it on Raziel and gave him a damn good shocking...
"But in the end, you offer a convenient rationalisation for your crimes." said Raziel slightly angry.
"Indeed it is an offer... raise you 50!" replied Kain
"DEAL!" shouted Raziel.
"Oh by the way" started Kain "These chambers offer insight to those patient enough to watch... in your haste to err... land in my chamber on top of my LOVELY deck chair perhaps you have not stopped to look"
"Actually, I did... several times, as I fell down ya see I caught site of each of the portals and saw the time streams... very nice I especially like the wallpaper, its very nice." said Raziel
"Did you know that our futures are predestined?" Said Kain
"Wow? Really? Tell me more!" gasped Raziel.
"See Moebius was telling me-" Kain was interrupted
"Booooooooooooooooooooooooooring" said Raziel "Did you know I've been to the Sarafan place Kain? Your dirty mess has been cleaned up by yours truly, just needed a bit of a dusting and vacuuming."
"Oh yeah, you see the opened coffins whose names just happened to be the same names as you and your brothers?" said Kain.
"Yeah I kinda did." said Raziel.
"Rats... so err you hate me now?" Kain pointed out.
"Ohhh yeeaaahhh I'm meant to hate- err yes I do demon!" replied Raziel "How did you turn a long dead Sarafan priest into a vampire by the way?"
"Well ya see... one must keep his friends close... which is why I keep a lot of parrots by my throne.... but his enemies even closer, so if a fight DOES start we can all shake hands much quicker." started Kain "Can you grasp..." Kain noticed Raziel's hands weren't too good for grasping things and so changed the topic "There is an absurd beautiful paradox somewhere here errr... I'll show you it in a second just gotta find it."
"Yeah its over there somewhere buddy." Raziel said looking for this paradox.
"Ah well, it basically just said we're the same... despite the Sarafan being holy human warriors and me being some undead vampire sk8terdude... think it said that anyway." said Kain in a high tone of voice. "Who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all... passion and... erm valentine cards?" Kain stopped, knowing he would pay for that line.
"Well I'm not gonna applaud, my hands hurt too much, but nice clever blasphemy, I think I'll write that one down actually." said Raziel
"Yeah go ahead, got plenty more catchphrases where that came from." said Kain.
"Some guys out there were saying I was a noble out there." said Raziel looking for a pen.
"Yeah I kinda... made you into a.. kinda fatcat when you were alive.. but nothings too good for my boy right?!" said Kain
Raziel, who hated nobility and fatcats immediately shouted.
"The Sarafan were PEASANTS! Defending Nosgoth from the fatcats that we represent!!! My eyes are damaged Kain... therefore I can see no nobility in any life you can throw at a corpse!"
"You have discovered a dictionary by your use of the word Peasant, but you know nothing of it." replied Kain "You think the Sarafan were peasants? Poor and stupid?! Heh don't try and be clever sonny Jim, you're as thick as a large boat. They're agenda was the same as mine... find the Nazi gold and pray PRAY that no one else wants it!"
"You are lost in some kind of maze" said Raziel "A maze of joy... but not PURE joy...these dictionaries and random slogans... what game are you playing by the way?"
"I'm playing Ludo." said Kain "Do you want to play?"
"Errr.... yes" said Raziel... after he realised he didn't know what Ludo was he refused.
"I know! We can play Destiny!" said Kain
"Ah yes that loveable dice rolling game!" said Raziel
"Now, you await my latest move!" said Kain
"Well yeah, since you haven't moved yet..." said Raziel
"Indeed.... innndddeeeeeed." replied Kain.
The two stood there for a time wondering what to do next.
Then the director somersaulted down and decided to beat them both up.
But then the twist in the story occurred... McDonalds had begun its attack... just as the Director was about to pummel Kain, the building shook.
At that moment, 5 helicopters took the roof of the chamber off and flew it away... then a massive spaceship descended on the characters.
"Director.. what is happening?!" shouted Raziel
"Stay behind me children, I will save you!" said the director as Kain and Raziel cowered behind him.
As the spaceship landed the Imperial March tune from Starwars played and the hanger doors opened.
Guards with the McDonalds insignia on their uniforms walked out, clad in massively powerful armour and energy guns... they lined up against the spaceship as a mighty figure could be seen coming out of the doors.
"RONALD!" shouted the director
"Director... we meet again" replied Ronald...
As Ronald descended from his ship, his striped uniform glittered immensely... energy was flowing around him... his clown like faced reflected the evil within his soul.
The director took a step back as Ronald walked towards him... towering over him.
"It seems, that you have been causing trouble director... and we do not like trouble do we?" boomed Ronald.
"Noo-no no sir..." said the director.
Kain began to cry... Raziel clung to him.
The director suddenly found a burst of courage... which he traded for a spiced bean. He then realised he could fight his way out.
As he moved into his director-fighting stance... the doors of the time streaming device burst open and more soldiers came out.
Then 20 ground digging vehicles burst out of the floor, revealing another 200 soldiers, all emotionless armour clad warriors.
The director stood there punching air as Kain and Raziel egged him on with such phrases as
"Get 'em Jimmy" and "Good GOD whats that on your back?"
That's when the guns got out... the director took out his use and jumped at Ronald firing his machine gun.
Ronald dodged out the way, and Raziel and Kain both ran into the soldiers.
As Raziel and Kain took on the soldiers, by getting hit by their bullets and bouncing them back at them. The director and Ronald duelled with breadsticks.
"Give it up old man, it is hopeless!" boomed Ronald.
"Never!" the director swung around emitting a spark as his bread stick hit Ronald's
"I am your master Director... BOW before me!" screamed Ronald.
The director bowed being a polite man, then continued to fight with the bread stick.
Raziel and Kain continued to be pummelled by the soldiers... who had yet to figure out that bullets would not kill the vampires.
Ronald used his magic to push the director back and advanced to stab him with the breadstick, the but the director somersaulted backwards into the soldiers.
The director caught site of Raziel and Kain... he knew he could not live through this one... better to save his actors so they might give him a better funeral than save himself and pay for other people's funerals.
"You two mooks! Go into that portal!" screamed the director as bullets went around him and he faced Ronald with the breadstick.
"But director! You'll-" said Kain
"Don't worry about me! Just go!" said the Director
"I can't care less about you, its my pay check! You'll forget to give me my paycheck!" shouted Kain
"Just gooooooooooooooooooooo" screamed the director.
The sound threw Raziel back a step, which in turn pushed Kain into the portal... Raziel jumped in to save Kain, but failed to realise that jumping head first into teleporting portals was not a good plan for getting someone else out.
As Raziel dived he caught sight of the battle behind him... the director taking shots and frantically waving his stick around.
"Farewell director... you hath serv-" Raziel was interrupted
"Just go you mook of a mook!" shouted the director.
Raziel decided to stop flying in mid air and go through the portal after a bullet hit him again.
The director decided fighting was for wussies and put his breadstick in the air...
"Lets stop this destructive conflict and bring ORDER back to the gala-" said The director before Ronald shoved his breadstick into his eye.
"NOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo" screamed an unrelated person when they saw Bambi's mother die.
And thus... Soul Reaver... the unedited version was born.
Director RIP 1500-(does someone have a calendar what day is it to- oh only need the year ok thanks) 2003.
For in death... you may no longer pay taxes to a government you do not believe in.
