Disclaimer: If Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings belonged to me, then this idea would have been executed long ago…

Rated PG-13: Dangerous situations, a very naughty word spoken by an angry elf, and the horrible repetition that hardly passes as humor.

AN: I had WAY too much fun writing this chapter. As you can tell by its extreme length and ridiculousness. The rating has been increased because I've finally decided, that, if the story keeps going the way it has been, well, it's won't be appropriate for children. Legolas gets some loving in this chapter, because frankly, up 'til now he hasn't been portrayed in the most positive light, and I just love him.

I'd also like to say that this chapter is dedicated to the two very special people who show up and save the day. Not only are they most wonderful and ADORABLE to boot, but I feel they are under-appreciated. Therefore, I am fighting oppression and creating a chapter based on them.

Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings: Fighting oppression since April, 2002.

Chapter Fourteen (Techno Dance Remix!)

"Well, it's done," Hermione announced, stepping inside, wiping her hands on the front of her robes.

"What's done?" Harry asked from his position on the couch.

"I burned it," she announced proudly, with a grin.

"You burned what?" Ron asked, but Fred and George didn't allow a reply.

"Hermione! You burned the valentine? What in the name of Merlin possessed you to do such a thing!" Fred exclaimed, a look of horror crossing his face.

She looked at the twins smugly. "I was tired of you asking to see it all the time. I have it memorized, so it's no great loss."

George, tragic stricken, collapsed on the floor. "Oh the humanity!"

Hermione, however, took up the luxury of completely ignoring them. For the past weeks she had been subject to their pleadings of "Show us the valentine again!" "Don't you think everybody else would like to see it?" "Ooh, you're going to make someone's Mum very happy." Now that it was burned, she could go back to her original course of action and ignore them except when they needed scolding.

Ginny, who was deeply involved in a chess game with Legolas, didn't appear too perturbed by the information. After all, it wasn't that hard to remember a name, and the way she figured it Hermione's choices came down to either burning the valentine, or showing it to everybody. Now, even if Fred and George chose to blab, there would be no hard evidence to support them, and as everybody knows, the twins are not exactly the two most trustworthy people on the face of the planet.

"I just came in to tell everybody that it's a beautiful day outside, one that shouldn't be wasted by sitting around inside a tree house."

Everybody who hadn't already figured that out the moment they woke up, looked at her skeptically. The Hobbits had gone outside before anyone had woken up, but they were crazy, probably gardening or something. It was also true that Aragorn had left before the sun had risen, but he was a Ranger, and it was a well-known fact that they were all off their rockers.

"What do you mean by outside?" Legolas asked. Coming from Mirkwood, it could be brighter inside the castle during the day than it was outside. Trees tended to cast long shadows everywhere, which was the kind of outside that he liked.

"Galadriel showed me a clearing where there aren't any trees, it's very nice."

Immediately, a thousand excuses were thrown her way.

"Complexion," Legolas muttered.

"Ditto," Malfoy agreed.

"Chess," Ginny said.

"Grief," George gasped dramatically.

"Anger," Fred added for good measure.

"Book," Harry defended.

"Why not?"

All the occupants who had yet to make an excuse for staying inside, forgot what they were going to say, and slowly but surely, every head turned in one direction.

Ron stood up and stretched his arms over his head. "Well, it is a nice day, and occasional sun can do good for a body. If you don't believe me, well, take a look at Gollum."

All gazes transferred to poor Smeagol, was curled up in the corner, happily gnawing on his blue rubber ball, which really didn't resemble a ball anymore.

"Outside sounds good."

"I could do with a tan."

"Fresh air."

"We could have a picnic!"

Everybody leapt to their feet and started for the door. Hermione grinned broadly. "Thanks Ron, that was very clever of you."

Ron shrugged embarrassedly, and grinned slightly. "Ah, well, I just wanted to see if Malfoy would melt the second sunlight touched his skin."

"I hope he cooks like a lobster," Harry added cheerfully.

"No, I've made sure to bring along some suntan lotion, I mean, I don't know how strong the sun here is, but I assume that you can still get skin cancer, and getting burned increases the amount of radiation in your body, and it never goes away, and I've never read anything about a spell being able to protect you from the sun…"

Ron and Harry did the ever-popular exchange of looks, rolling of eyes, and feigned interest for a few minutes until she stopped talking.

Upon reaching the clearing that Hermione had mentioned, Fred and George went over to the slightly scorched patch of grass and exchanged heavy sighs. The Hobbits happily greeted them, then went back to doing what Hobbits do best.

Hermione handed out sunglasses and suntan lotion, and complaints subsided after an entourage of elves showed up with Lady Gaddy, and began setting up tables with food and drink.

Harry decided to give his book a short rest, and sat chatting with his friends (If you need me to tell you who they are, then I'm afraid there is nothing the doctors can do for you).

After narrowly winning the chess match against Ginny, Legolas decided to practice his archery a bit. He had always been taught that there was room for improvement, and his thousand plus years of experience had not ensured him that he was a better archer than anybody else in Middle Earth without trying.

So, he went and fetched his bow, and then offered lessons to anybody who had been wanting to learn, or who just had nothing better to do. Yes, despite the fact that he was rather over-protective of his hair, and he had a status as the sexiest being in Middle Earth, he was still a wonderfully generous and kind soul.

Everything was going on nicely, and Aragorn was very nice about the stray arrow incident, when something SHOCKING happened.

I say SHOCKING because a strange cut in the air leading to another world and various fights between two different fantasy stories is merely weird and bizarre and shocking. The capital letters indicate severely twisted stuff.

Legolas was walking up and down the line of his archers-in-training, giving advice, and demonstrating. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant, mad, and hairy SPIDER went BARRELING into the clearing, and CHARGED straight at none other than LEGOLAS (insert gasps of horror)!

Ron promptly fell over in dead faint, having had his fill of spiders second year. Legolas calmly, but quickly, reached for an arrow to fell the beast, but…

THERE WEREN'T ANY.

Yes, his fabled endless supply of arrows had been drained dry. They had served him well on the quest to destroy the ring, and he had always been able to protect his life against trolls, and orcs and Uruk-Hai, but now…

A giant, mad, and hairy SPIDER was going to kill him.

No! He couldn't accept that! He was an elf, for Valar's sake! He was supposed to live forever, and besides, with a thousand plus years of survival skills, he was more prepared for SHOCKING situations than a hundred Eagle scouts.

Now, all this thought process took place in the span of about 1.72 seconds, and Legolas still had a few more before he was in real danger.

"Get out of here!" he yelled at the shocked young witches and wizards. Then he reached for the elven blades he always carried around.

THEY WEREN'T THERE.

After a thousand plus years of anger management, and the calm handling of situations, and keeping a wonderfully clean mouth, Legolas felt he was entitled to a swear word or two.

"Fuck! Me!" Legolas swore, very loudly, diving for the bow and arrow that the now unconscious Ron had dropped.

By that time, the spider was too close, and he wouldn't have time to actually fire the arrow, he'd just have to make a stabbing motion at one of it's eyes and go down fighting. Life, he pondered, could really suck sometimes.

Just as the dripping jaws of the mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER lowered to bite his cute little elf body in half, it froze and fell over, causing the earth to shake. It also caused Legolas's leg much pain. You try letting a two-ton spider fall on your leg, and see how you like it.

"Wha-" he managed to get out, before two people came running up concernedly to him. One he had never seen before, and the other he had.

"Are you all right?" the one he didn't know asked. "What about Ron?"

"What…happened?" Legolas asked dazedly, faintly aware the he couldn't really feel his leg anymore.

FLASHBACK!

"Just how did that thing get here anyway?" Faramir, brother of Boromir, and son of Denethor panted, running as fast as he could after the mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER.

"A very bizarre and twisted series of events," Remus Lupin replied, keeping just a little ahead of Faramir, brother of Boromir, and son of Denethor. "Let's just catch it, shall we?"

"Agreed," Faramir, brother of – you get the point – gasped. He was used to riding around on horseback, and popping up suddenly with his soldiers dressed like Robin Hood and his Merry Men. He was not used to running after an incredibly fast creature for miles that he had thought only existed in the deep recesses of Mirkwood forest.

Galadriel's sentries tried to stop them as they dashed into Lothlorien, but they were so SHOCKED at seeing a mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER that they forgot to try and stop that as well.

"You must let us go!" Faramir protested.

"Under orders of Lady Galadriel, we have to-"

"Do you really want that thing rampaging about the forest?" Lupin asked.

"Well, not really, but-"

"You can banish us after we save your lives," Faramir suggested.

The lead elf sighed. "Very well then, let them go."

The sentries let go and the two men took off running again, desperate to recover the ground they had lost.

"There it is!" Faramir yelled, preparing his bow as he ran. Lupin raised his wand, and gripped it a bit more tightly.

He squinted at the area in front of the spider; those were people! It was charging at somebody…and, Merlin! Was that Harry?

Faramir screeched to a halt, just long enough to fire a few arrows. Lupin dashed a few more steps, then pointed his wand at the wounded and weakened creature.

"STUPEFY!"

The mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER froze and fell over, causing the ground to shake. Faramir and Lupin dashed forward again, to make sure that everybody was all right and that it truly was the downfall of the spider.

END FLASHBACK!

"It's, it's on my leg," Legolas winced.

Faramir and Lupin freed the elf's leg, and while Faramir attempted to put it into a sort of brace, Lupin shoved a huge block of chocolate into his hands. "Eat that, you'll feel much better."

Then, he turned to Ron and prodded him gently. "Ron, wake up."

"Uhh…" Ron opened his eyes groggily, aware of a faint pain in his head. "Lupin? What?"

"Take this," Lupin said, shoving chocolate into his hands. As we all know, chocolate seems to cure illness and injury in the world of Harry Potter, upon learning which we all consequently ran into the barrier at King's Cross, got concussions just like Ron's, went home and ate a lot of chocolate.

"Are you three okay?" he asked, addressing the shaken Harry, Hermione, and Ginny.

They all replied with nods, and inched forward, more out of concern for their dazed and confused friend than anything else. Hermione was genuinely worried about Ron's health and didn't question the sudden entrance of Remus Lupin, Faramir, brother of Boromir, and son of Denethor, or the mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER. Ginny was torn between amusement and concern over Ron, as was Harry, but unlike Ginny, Harry was also very curious about the sudden and SHOCKING appearance of the three characters.

"What happened?" Harry asked Lupin. He figured that he shouldn't be that surprised, after all, just about every other imaginable person from his world had showed up, but he was fairly certain that the werewolf didn't urge a large spider into the kitchens of Hogwarts and through the rip in the air. "You didn't get here through Hogwarts, did you?"

Lupin shook his head. "No. I was out on business for the Order, in the Forbidden Forest. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but unless I'm living up to Peeves nickname of me (Loony Lupin) I could swear that there appeared to be a sort of rip in the air."

"You haven't gone mad," Harry assured him. He was more than a little troubled at Lupin's account of things though. Whoever had sliced open the Hogwarts kitchen had done the same thing in the Forbidden Forest? Were there entrances anywhere else? What if Voldemort found his way in? "Maybe we should go find Galadriel so she can sort things out."

"Is she the one who runs this place?" Lupin asked, turning and helping to support Legolas on his left side, while Faramir took the right.

Ron finally managed to sit up with some assistance, and paled when he caught sight of the spider. He tried to get up so he could get away, but his head injury wouldn't allow it. So, Ginny and Hermione, being the wonderfully kind souls they are, helped Ron to his feet.

Considering the fact that he wasn't supporting anybody, Harry took it upon himself to lead the way. He pointed ahead over dramatically, "Seventy paces!" he exclaimed, reveling in his newfound personality.

They made quite a scene, Harry imagined, entering the clearing. Before any of the startled faces could ask what had happened and cause the chapter to turn redundant, Harry pointed behind them. "There's a stunned spider just over there. I would suggest going to restrain it."

Gaddy gave the orders, and a dozen odd elves ran off to take care of the situation. "Faramir, son of the Steward of Gondor, in your heart lies true loyalty, you are most welcome here." He smiled slightly, causing every girl in a five-mile radius to coo. She turned to Lupin. "Remus Lupin, the kind hearted werewolf, you have the makings of great compassion and wisdom, you are also most welcome." He also grinned a bit, and his cheeks turned pink. This caused every girl in a five-mile radius to sigh dreamily and grin daftly themselves. "Legolas Greenleaf, prince of the woodland realm-"

"Lady Galadriel, please, don't stand on ceremony and just fix the blasted thing, would you?" he grumbled as politely as pain and irritation would allow.

She smiled. "Of course." Lupin and Faramir gently lowered him onto a mat thing.

At that moment, Sirius Black strolled into the clearing, whistling cheerfully to himself. While Hermione had been trying to rally everyone to take a venture outside he had been in the shower, which also explained the sudden appearance of a crowd of giggling elf maidens, and the horrible and complete lack of his appearance earlier in the chapter. His vision was impaired, however, by the towel he was using to, well, duh, dry his hair.

"Having a picnic?" he asked, his voice ever so slightly muffled.

A few of the maidens started to giggle.

"Chasing after mad and hairy spiders," Lupin said.

Simultaneously every elf maiden that had been gazing adoringly at Sirius, tore their eyes away and looked over at Lupin who was grinning, and Faramir, who was helping Galadriel restore Legolas's injured limb. This resulted in a massive increase of giggling and cooing and swooning.

Recognizing the voice, Sirius tore the towel of his head, and brushed his still damp hair away from his face. "Moony!?"

Lupin bowed.

Sirius spluttered something that didn't even remotely resemble English, and before anybody knew exactly what to think, he bolted forward and enveloped Lupin in a giant hug. "Moony! How did you get here? And what do you mean chasing after spiders? Did I miss something?"

None of the elf maidens failed to notice that he had yet to release his grip on his friend and began to wonder if they should start getting insanely jealous.

Faramir couldn't help but smile at Sirius's enthusiasm. It seemed that the two were as close as brothers, which reminded him, of course, of his own deceased brother. That caused prickling tears to build up behind his eyes (aww!) and he blinked a few times. Best to stop thinking about Boromir. Big strong warriors who were seeking their father's acceptance did not cry.

"Holy Valar…Faramir?"

Said Faramir looked up from the (rather disgusting) healing that was going on, and his jaw dropped. "Boromir…you're, you're alive?"

His older brother grinned at him. "Alive and in perfect health!"

Aragorn agreed with a laugh and slapped said Boromir on the back, which caused him to topple forward and groan. The future king of Gondor helped him back to his feet.

"Well, alive, and in…something."

Faramir disregarded his previous notions about crying and started sobbing (don't you just a love a man who's not afraid to show his feelings?). The two brothers shared a wonderful reunion type brotherly hug that involved sniffling and laughing and such.

"They told me you were dead!"

Boromir shrugged, "I guess I'm just a bit tougher than anybody realized."

Behind his back Aragorn was miming "chronic dying problem".

By this point in time the afternoon was halfway through, Legolas was healed enough to hobble around a bit, Ron took a few Tylenol, friends had been reunited, and so had brothers. All the togetherness got to Fred and George, who cheerfully suggested a campfire, to which everybody readily agreed. Malfoy was even generous enough to pay for the marshmallows, and started bleeding when he bit his tongue so as not to poke fun at the Weasley's financial situation again.

As for the mad, hairy, and giant SPIDER…it was caught and tied up securely in a pen. The elves decided that until they were sure there were others of its kind, and it truly was a dangerous and murderous arachnid, they could not kill it. It's not very logical, but it contributes to the plot later.

All the elf maidens became more and more sulky as the day wore on. Their previous object of affection (one Sirius Black) seemed much more interested in talking to Lupin, who had the potential to be a very prominent object of affection. Faramir was too delighted in learning that is older brother was alive to pay them any mind, and when they finally decided to go back to Legolas, he snapped at them in very nasty elvish.

Fred and George returned with bags of marshmallows and graham crackers for S'more making. Lupin had enough chocolate to feed the whole of Middle Earth for a year, so they didn't worry about that. The sun sank spectacularly into the horizon, and Gollum finally crept from the confines of the tree house, carrying a misshapen hunk of blue rubber that was covered in teeth marks.

The fire had gotten going when Lupin suddenly froze. "Does Middle Earth follow the same lunar patterns as our world?" he asked.

"Who cares?" Sirius responded, grabbing a few marshmallows.

"If it does, then that means…" the sun finally disappeared, "…full moon."

This caused most everybody to jump out of their skin, and check the sky for a sign of the moon. It was barely visible, but already they could tell what it was.

"Stun me!" Lupin exclaimed suddenly.

"What?"

"Stun me!"

"No way, we can just-"

"No risks this way. Stun. Me."

More protests arose, but abruptly stopped, when Lupin clenched at his robes and turned rigid. He was beginning to transform.

"What's going on?" Faramir asked in horror.

"He's a werewolf," Hermione tried to explain. "At the full moon, he turns from a man into a wolf, and doesn't transform back until the sun rises. If he bites anybody else, then, then they'll turn into a werewolf as well."

Lupin was sprouting fur and claws to support this explanation.

"They're very dangerous," Hermione started to talk in super speed, "when somebody turns into a werewolf they forget themselves, they turn horribly violent, they want to hurt people. You can stop them, but, oh, I don't think we have the right sort of things here."

"Well then what do we do?" All the Hobbits looked positively terrified.

"I'll turn into Padfoot and get him away from here," Sirius suggested.

"Will that work?"

"It's the best chance we have, isn't it?"

"I'll go too," Faramir said.

"WHAT!?" Sixteen voices echoed in disbelief.

"If he wants to attack people in wolf form, then I'd make a tempting target. I'll make sure he doesn't harm anybody."

They all looked at him like he was out of his bloody mind…which he was.

"Your funeral," Sirius snapped, and quickly turned into Padfoot, as Lupin went into the final stages of the transformation.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione had seen Lupin transform into a werewolf once before in their third year, but not up quite so close and in very poor light. A snarling, overlarge wolf, eyes gleaming in the firelight, was enough to scare the wits out of anybody, whether they had seen one before or not.

Sirius as Padfoot, charged into Lupin, trying to lure him away from the campfire, but the werewolf wasn't taking the bait. This supported Faramir's previous theory, and the younger son of the steward of Gondor took off running in the opposite direction.

The wolf's eyes focused on the running figure, and a second later he was bounding after Faramir, howling wildly. I will also needlessly mention that while leaping after Faramir, Lupin knocked into Boromir, who promptly fell over and started dying.

The minute he disappeared a collective sigh of relief was heard from those surrounding the fire.

"Stupid werewolf," Fred muttered, "burned my marshmallow."

Meanwhile, back at Faramir…

Faramir ran for all he was worth, hoping against hope that werewolves were not quite as fast as mad, giant, and hairy SPIDERS. He then reminded himself, that he wasn't that fast either, so it wouldn't do him much good.

A snarl reached his ears and a second later, the huge silhouette of a wolf jumped straight at him.

Faramir did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his sword. There was no way he was letting this overgrown dog take a chunk out of him. He was nearly ROYALTY.

Match #11: Remus Lupin vs. Faramir, brother of Boromir…

Announcer #1: Hey all! I know that I announced the last match, but I just love these two too much to sit out.

Announcer #2: And being the generous person I am, I agreed to share announcing duties.

Announcer #1: In this battle of the sweet, smart, cute, and absolutely ADORABLE we have Remus Lupin from Harry Potter's world in corner number one! He's a werewolf with a heart of gold, and is always on the lookout to help those in need. He also has a supply of chocolate on him at all times, which would make him worthy even if he were the slimy Draco Malfoy!

Announcer #2: And in corner number two we have Faramir from Middle Earth! Often overshadowed by his older brother (it's okay Boromir, we know you don't mean to) this compassionate guy is willing to put his life on the line for people he hardly even knows! Impervious to the ring's seducing power, he also trusted two little Hobbits he'd never met before. You also have to admit, he's a romantic.

Announcer #1: What an 'aww'some match!

Announcer #2: No turning girls into piles of goo by smiling shyly! Let the match, BEGIN!

"Come and get me you runty Warg!" he yelled.

Lupin, quite out of his mind, obliged and leapt straight at Faramir, who blocked himself with his blade, cutting the wolf's shoulder in the process. He was rewarded with a small yelp of pain, which turned in a blood curdling run-away-and-hug-your-mommy's-skirts growl.

"Eep," Faramir said.

Just as he thought he was done for Padfoot leaped in, and knocked Lupin slightly off balance. Those few seconds were long enough for Faramir to regain his strength, and tighten his grip on his sword. After a few snaps at the black dog, the werewolf turned once again to Faramir who was trying valiantly to be brave.

Their gazes locked and they started to circle around. Lupin charged, and once again Faramir was forced to defend himself with a few slashes of the sword. He had had hopes that if he injured it then maybe it would skulk away. However, it seemed that the more injuries the wolf sustained, the angrier it became.

He wondered how much longer it was until the sun rose.

Meanwhile, back at the campfire…

"Hello all!" Eowyn greeted everybody brightly. She didn't recognize a fair number of them, but that was to be expected. After all, travelers from around the world visited Lothlorien.

Her response was many tight and pale faces that seemed to be terror-stricken. Surely she didn't look THAT hideous. She hadn't bathed for a few days, but really, it was nothing to get all bent up about.

"Arwen invited me, and I just thought…"

"Eowyn!" There was Arwen, who rushed forward and gave her a hug. "Welcome to Lothlorien!"

"What's the matter with them?" she asked.

"There's a werewolf on the loose," a bespectacled boy with black hair informed her.

"What's a werewolf?"

A girl with bushy brown hair spoke up and explained it to her.

"They, they attack people?" A nod. "Well, then why isn't it here?"

"Somebody offered to be used as bait," a red haired boy informed her.

Well, that wasn't very smart, was it? Why anybody would want to take on a snarling, vicious wolf was beyond her. "Who in Middle Earth would do such a thing?"

The boy with black hair was ready to respond when Arwen spoke loudly and quickly. "It's being taken care of. Now, why don't you go off to the tree house there and get freshened up, then join us."

"Thank you, I'll do that." She started off in the direction that Arwen and pointed. She had nearly reached it when a figure came running in her direction, making odd gasping noises. "Hello?" Was this maybe the person fending off the werewolf?

The figure halted, dropped their sword, and stared at her. The moonlight was enough to show his face.

"Eowyn?"

"Faramir?"

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, then Faramir shot a panicked look over his shoulder and turned back to her. "Listen, Eowyn, you have to get out of here, you can't stay, there's a giant werewolf headed this way and-"

"You're the one who agreed to fight the werewolf!? What were you thinking!? Faramir, I demand an explanation right this second, why would you agree to do something so incredibly STUPID!?"

"I can explain everything," he panted. "Just not right now, you have to get out of here."

"Not until you tell me why you chose to do something so foolhardy."

Their staring contest was broken off by a long howl. Eowyn could faintly make out the large shadow of a wolf running in their direction.

Faramir turned to snatch up his sword, but the wolf was too fast and leapt straight at Eowyn's throat. He forgot the sword and launched into full out "protect the woman I love" mode, by barreling into the side of the creature, and grabbing it's muzzle so that it couldn't bite.

The wolf struggled and batted him in the face with a paw, which caused Faramir to let go. It turned its attention to Eowyn again, who had picked up Faramir's sword during his struggle, and was pointing it threateningly at Lupin.

"I don't want to hurt you. Just go away."

The seemed the opposite of its intentions, and it started to pad forward slowly. "Eowyn! Throw me the sword!" Faramir called out in desperation.

Now, we all know that Eowyn is very capable of defending herself, as does Faramir, but when men see the woman they love in a dangerous situation the only thing they can think is "I've got to do something!" Which was the exact thing was that was running through Faramir's mind.

I've got to do something! He reached for the dagger tied to his leg, and jumped at the wolf, lodging the blade into its shoulder.

It whimpered, and futilely tried to reach the knife with its teeth. When that didn't succeed, it let out a long, low, and very scary growl, then turned and slunk away into the shadows.

Sweating like mad and bleeding profusely from the wound in his cheek, Faramir beamed at Eowyn. He had succeeded in keeping her out of harm's way!

Instead of the expected, "Oh Faramir, I love you, thank you so much!" He was treated with a cold glare. "Was that necessary?" she asked.

WAS THAT NECESSARY!

Was she mad? "It was about to get you, I had to do something!" She didn't look convinced. "Besides, that monster must have bruised a few ribs, and it wasn't exactly being courteous when it batted me across the face."

"Like that poor man could help it!" She stared off into the distance he had gone. "You had better apologize to him tomorrow."

At this point, Faramir knew what the appropriate answer was. "Yes dear."

"Now, come inside with me and get you cleaned up, oh he really did get your face very badly, didn't he? Your ribs are bruised? Maybe Aragorn would know how to help with that…"

Meanwhile, back at the campfire…

Sirius, as Sirius, limped back into the glowing light of the campfire, and collapsed on a log chair. "I would suggest putting up barriers or something until the sun comes up," he told Galadriel.

"All my people sleep high up in the trees, and the sentries remain there until a threat appears. I have already ordered them not to fire at any wolves."

Sirius shot her a look of thanks, then turned to Harry. "Your marshmallow's on fire."

The next morning…

"Who wants to have breakfast as a picnic outside?" Hermione asked brightly.

"ME!" Nearly everyone yelled in response, and stampeded outside. Malfoy lingered at the doorway long enough to don a pair of sunglasses and slather on an entire bottle of suntan lotion. Thanks to his precautions the day before his pale and flawless skin (well according to him) had remained intact and unharmed. The only problem was, the suntan lotion was running out a bit quickly. Well, he could always afford more, after all, he was a Malfoy. Laughing to himself at this thought, he rubbed the rest of the lotion in and headed outside.

Lupin was waiting in the clearing, wearing very shabby garments, and eating a large bar of chocolate. He apologized most profusely to everyone.

"I believe this is yours," he said, handing Faramir his dagger. "I'm really sorry about what happened last night. I didn't manage to bite you, did I?"

Faramir shook his head. "No, just a good whack across the face. No lasting damage for you either?"

Lupin smiled, "No. I would deserve it anyway for being so careless."

Eowyn, upon seeing what a wonderfully kind person Lupin was when the full moon wasn't out, immediately started to scold Faramir into submission again. She then went into "Molly Weasley" mode and began to fret over Lupin, until Sirius stepped in and told her that Lupin was over the age of five and could take care of himself quite well.

Breakfast had already been laid out by the many helpers of Galadriel and she bade them to sit down. "Three of you are missing." She said, motioning to the empty chairs.

"That would be Harry-"

"Hermione-"

"And our knucklehead brother."

"Don't bother waiting, they can eat later."

Galadriel was still concerned, until Fred and George assured her that Hermione was simply having a hard time of convincing her two best friends to join the table, and that they wouldn't be much longer, because Hermione was very good at convincing.

She was good at convincing, but she certainly didn't feel like it. "Harry, Ron, get up! We're all having breakfast!" She moved from her spot next to the door and walked over to the two couches that her friends were sleeping on. Harry was buried beneath his blanket all except for a tuft of black hair. Ron had his head firmly under his pillow.

"We don't want to," Harry mumbled underneath his blanket.

"Leave us 'lone," Ron added.

"No! Give me a good excuse!" she demanded, hands on her hips.

Ron removed the pillow from over his face. "The chocolate last night didn't quite fix me up, and after sleeping and being woken by a stampede I feel like my head'll split in two any moment. I just need a bit more rest."

He expected Hermione to scoff at him for being a big baby, but he didn't really care. His head DID hurt, and he DIDN'T want to get up, and a bit of sleep WOULD do him some good.

She believed him, surprisingly enough, and sat down at the side of the couch. "Oh Ron, is it just your head? Are you sure you aren't coming down with something?" She reached out and pressed her hand against his forehead. "I'll go to breakfast and bring you back some ice and some more chocolate, all right?"

Under normal circumstances Ron would have turned bright red if Hermione had fussed over him. He felt a little too horrible to blush though, and nodded pitifully. "Thanks 'Mione."

Hermione gave him a peck on the cheek before turning viciously to Harry. "What about you, Harry James Potter? What's your excuse?"

"It hurts to talk," Harry moaned from underneath his blanket.

"That's not an excuse Harry. What do you mean it hurts to talk? What happened to you?"

A very red arm was produced from underneath the blanket. Hermione reached out, but Harry pulled it back under quickly. Annoyed, Hermione snatched the blanket off of him and produced Harry, bright red from head to toe.

Harry groaned. "I cooked like a lobster."

Ron laughed.

"It's not funny."

"Yes it is."

"Prat."

"Lobster boy."

"Wimpy fainting when you see spiders boy."

"Boys!" Hermione snapped. She gave Harry back his blanket and suppressed a giggle. "I'll get you some aloe vera, all right?"

"All right."

"And a great big pot," she added. "Filled with water and a pat of butter…" she trailed off as she walked out the door.

Harry gaped at the empty doorway in indignation. He turned to Ron. "She-!" He thought better of protesting when he saw that Ron was laughing so hard he was crying. Instead, the Boy Who Lived and Got Sunburn grabbed his blanket and promptly disappeared underneath it again.

Who needed Voldemort, he thought with a scowl, when you had friends like them.

~~~~~~~~~

When I first wrote this chapter I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be hilarious to have this huge coming out scene with Sirius and Lupin where many people pass out from blood loss (mostly the elf maidens)?" Then I thought, "But some people find slash to be a disgusting and terrifying issue, and they might not find it quite as hilarious." Then it came to me! "It would be hysterical to make horrible comments and actions that straddle the line between platonic love and romantic love until the truth is revealed in the last chapter (if at all)!" So all you people who hate slash: It's not there! And to all you people who love it: Well, of COURSE there's something there!

And remember! Faramir and Lupin need to know how much they're loved! Fight oppression and review!