In The Hand of the Goddess (our version)
~By: Dango 'n Mikki
Disclaimer: Yeah, we own none of this...(you probably know as much)
***Oh yeah, and we were REALLY hyper (and probably partially drunk... it was new year's eve) so we claim no resonsibility for anything we've typed!!!
Once upon a time there was a he-she named alanna who was skipping merrily through the forest sing "tra la la la la. I have a basket full of documents for my Grammy Myles. I hope I don't run into any big bad wolves."
and the Great Mother Goddess was all like "What're you implieing?"
and alanna was all like
"holy f*ck, it's a diety!"
"Yes, holy being the key word," the Goddess answered.
"Shoot, will I go to hell for swearing in frount of God?"
and the Goddess said "Ummm, firstly I'm not God- check it out, I have boobs. Secondly there is no hell."
and alanna was all like "Score!"
and the Goddess was all like "Thow must do three thing for me: screw Jonathan, screw Gary-"
"Hey! That wasn't in the book!"
and the Goddess was all like "In that case clobber duke roger and screw Jonathan."
and alanna was all like "Is it just me or are things getting repetitive?"
and Jonathan ran naked though the forest yelling "Yay! I get to lose my virginity! "
and alanna was all like "Didn't you lose it to Ralon of malven?"
"What?! You count drunken accidents?" and then Jonathan left because he wasn't suppose to be in this scene anyways.
and the Goddess (who's nick-name is something blasphemous that we can't tell you) said "Don't forget to pass your ordeal of knighthood. If you don't my plan will be royally buggered."
and alanna was all like "You talk like an old lady who's high on prune juice. Only morons and old people say bugger."
and Jonathan was all like "The stupid bugger thistle! ow! It's stuck me right in my buggering bugger..."
and alanna was all like "I rest my case." than alanna mounted her trusty steed moonlight and rode to Corus where Raoul was drinking even though he has a drinking problem.
and then Dain the knight from Tusaine who's brother was called Bain said to alanna
"You suck."
"Hey! How'd you know about that?" alanna said.
and dane said "I want to make you be in a lot of pain."
And Mikki and Odango relized (belatedly) that alanna didn't have lighting... oops... well, she does now. so there.
and alanna was all like "Mwahaha, I will prance around in my stocking feet and wack you with this fine piece of metalwork."
and since alanna was an incompletely trained (and very short) page and dane was a fully trained knight it was inevitable for alanna to be victorious.
and alanna was all like
"gimmi and 'A, A' gimmi a 'L,L!' gimmi another 'A' gimmi a 'N' and another 'N' gimmi an 'A'."
and Jonathan was all like "That spells 'alanna'"
and 'alan' was all like "Oh, right. I knew that."
and then the Mithran priest popped out of nowhere and spanked alanna for not being able to spell.
and alanna was all like "I though priests weresn't alowed to touch little boys in their special areas."
and the priest was all like "I'm not roman catholic."
and then raoul was all like "duh"
and francis was all like "awwwww, I'm dead."
and everyone said "shut up francis, we don't care."
and Ralon was all like "You can spank me, mr. Mythrian priest"
and the priest was all like "ewww, you h ave aids."
"I didn't know I'd get aids! why do they spread the desise and not the knowlege? Why WHY!!?"
and alanna was like "Go away, you left in the first book."
so Ralon left and probably raped somebody.
and alanna was all like "all in a days work."
and Dain who was dead was all like "Newawrwye. this sucks monkey balls."
and jon was all like "I though we clairified in the first book that there are no monkeys in tortall."
and the Goddess was all like "What the hell?!"
and alanna was all like "I thought you said there was no hell."
and the Goddess was like "Damnit! why must I always contradict myself" and she disapeared.
and Myles was all like "Why did you kill Dain?"
and alanna was like "Myles, you're too uptight. I know what would make you feel better. let's go kill stupid people."
and Myles was like "that's a great idea we could have gotten rid of jonathan years ago."
and alanna said "Yes, let us kill Jonathan."
and Jonathan was all like "I'm sacred."
and alanna said in a lusty voice "I'm scared too-"
and myles was all like "No! No no no no, you fools! Not with me here!"
and then Duke gareth decided to dive off his horse and into the mud and break his leg because he though it would be fun.
and roger was all like "Mwahaha, this fits in perfectly with my plan to dominate the kingdom and usurp the throne."
and Jonathan was all like " Um Rog? you're thinking outloud again."
and roger was all like "damnit."
and jonathan was all like "That's ok, i'm stupid, I've forgotten already. Unkey roger, can I have a hug?"
and roger was like "No comment"
and then george met alanna in the lesser library and he was all like "I stole my mothers teeth."
and alanna was like "good for you, george. you're a very special boy."
and george was like "Y'know alanna, I've always had this fantasy about making out with a chick
who's dressed up like a boy while wearing monk cloths."
and alanna was all like "really? me too"
So they went at it like rabbits.
And then a lot of stuff happened, none of it of any consequence until alanna chocked on a bean. It was funny.
and then alanna was kidnapped and no one was alowed to save her except Jonathan, who was too stupid to know that there were rules anyways.
and Jonathan was all like "I'm off to save my girlfriend-*cough cough* i mean, um, squire."
and roger was like "Nooo! his idiotcy foiled my ingenious plan once again. Damn you, batman!
One of these days I'll get you!"
and Jonathan was like "I though you were mad at me."
and roger said "Oh, yeah."
and alanna puked on jonathans feet.
and faithful was like "hey!!! you ass-holes!! you forgot about me."
and roger was all like "ahhhh!!!!! the cat is possesed by SATAN!"
and the Goddess was like "There is no hell,THERE IS NO SATAN!!!"
and roger was like "You mean I won't burn for plotting to kill the only heir to the kingdom?"
and the mother Goddess was like "nope."
and Jonathan was like "You-you're plotting to kill who?"
and roger was like "ummm.... the other sole heir to the throne." ( eyes dart suspiciously from side to side)
and jonathan was like "phew,that's good, I was scared."
and alanna was like "I was scared too."
and the Goddess was like "Oh, no you don't"
and they were like "awwwww"
and then the war ended and alanna dressed like a girl and Jon started to unlace her bodice and
alanna started yelling "rape! rape!"
and alanna said "is there a law about screwing in rose gardens?"
and jon was like "possibly. lets go to my chamber."
and alanna was like "I'm scared."
and jonathan was like "I'm scared too."
and alanna was like "maybe this fear emerges from a deep void in our phyche that we created by denying ourselves from exploring our biological urges."
and jonathan was like "huh?"
and alanna said "I said let's screw."
and Jonathan siad "Ok"
and the Goddess said "My work here is done".
~The End~
oh, yeah- and alanna passed the chamber of ordeal and got knighted and defeated the evil sorcerer duke roger and stuff.
**COMING SOON***
The Woman Who Rides A Man
(**cough**we mean, um, The Woman Who Rides *Like* A Man )
******THERE...our work here is done *******PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!
~By: Dango 'n Mikki
Disclaimer: Yeah, we own none of this...(you probably know as much)
***Oh yeah, and we were REALLY hyper (and probably partially drunk... it was new year's eve) so we claim no resonsibility for anything we've typed!!!
Once upon a time there was a he-she named alanna who was skipping merrily through the forest sing "tra la la la la. I have a basket full of documents for my Grammy Myles. I hope I don't run into any big bad wolves."
and the Great Mother Goddess was all like "What're you implieing?"
and alanna was all like
"holy f*ck, it's a diety!"
"Yes, holy being the key word," the Goddess answered.
"Shoot, will I go to hell for swearing in frount of God?"
and the Goddess said "Ummm, firstly I'm not God- check it out, I have boobs. Secondly there is no hell."
and alanna was all like "Score!"
and the Goddess was all like "Thow must do three thing for me: screw Jonathan, screw Gary-"
"Hey! That wasn't in the book!"
and the Goddess was all like "In that case clobber duke roger and screw Jonathan."
and alanna was all like "Is it just me or are things getting repetitive?"
and Jonathan ran naked though the forest yelling "Yay! I get to lose my virginity! "
and alanna was all like "Didn't you lose it to Ralon of malven?"
"What?! You count drunken accidents?" and then Jonathan left because he wasn't suppose to be in this scene anyways.
and the Goddess (who's nick-name is something blasphemous that we can't tell you) said "Don't forget to pass your ordeal of knighthood. If you don't my plan will be royally buggered."
and alanna was all like "You talk like an old lady who's high on prune juice. Only morons and old people say bugger."
and Jonathan was all like "The stupid bugger thistle! ow! It's stuck me right in my buggering bugger..."
and alanna was all like "I rest my case." than alanna mounted her trusty steed moonlight and rode to Corus where Raoul was drinking even though he has a drinking problem.
and then Dain the knight from Tusaine who's brother was called Bain said to alanna
"You suck."
"Hey! How'd you know about that?" alanna said.
and dane said "I want to make you be in a lot of pain."
And Mikki and Odango relized (belatedly) that alanna didn't have lighting... oops... well, she does now. so there.
and alanna was all like "Mwahaha, I will prance around in my stocking feet and wack you with this fine piece of metalwork."
and since alanna was an incompletely trained (and very short) page and dane was a fully trained knight it was inevitable for alanna to be victorious.
and alanna was all like
"gimmi and 'A, A' gimmi a 'L,L!' gimmi another 'A' gimmi a 'N' and another 'N' gimmi an 'A'."
and Jonathan was all like "That spells 'alanna'"
and 'alan' was all like "Oh, right. I knew that."
and then the Mithran priest popped out of nowhere and spanked alanna for not being able to spell.
and alanna was all like "I though priests weresn't alowed to touch little boys in their special areas."
and the priest was all like "I'm not roman catholic."
and then raoul was all like "duh"
and francis was all like "awwwww, I'm dead."
and everyone said "shut up francis, we don't care."
and Ralon was all like "You can spank me, mr. Mythrian priest"
and the priest was all like "ewww, you h ave aids."
"I didn't know I'd get aids! why do they spread the desise and not the knowlege? Why WHY!!?"
and alanna was like "Go away, you left in the first book."
so Ralon left and probably raped somebody.
and alanna was all like "all in a days work."
and Dain who was dead was all like "Newawrwye. this sucks monkey balls."
and jon was all like "I though we clairified in the first book that there are no monkeys in tortall."
and the Goddess was all like "What the hell?!"
and alanna was all like "I thought you said there was no hell."
and the Goddess was like "Damnit! why must I always contradict myself" and she disapeared.
and Myles was all like "Why did you kill Dain?"
and alanna was like "Myles, you're too uptight. I know what would make you feel better. let's go kill stupid people."
and Myles was like "that's a great idea we could have gotten rid of jonathan years ago."
and alanna said "Yes, let us kill Jonathan."
and Jonathan was all like "I'm sacred."
and alanna said in a lusty voice "I'm scared too-"
and myles was all like "No! No no no no, you fools! Not with me here!"
and then Duke gareth decided to dive off his horse and into the mud and break his leg because he though it would be fun.
and roger was all like "Mwahaha, this fits in perfectly with my plan to dominate the kingdom and usurp the throne."
and Jonathan was all like " Um Rog? you're thinking outloud again."
and roger was all like "damnit."
and jonathan was all like "That's ok, i'm stupid, I've forgotten already. Unkey roger, can I have a hug?"
and roger was like "No comment"
and then george met alanna in the lesser library and he was all like "I stole my mothers teeth."
and alanna was like "good for you, george. you're a very special boy."
and george was like "Y'know alanna, I've always had this fantasy about making out with a chick
who's dressed up like a boy while wearing monk cloths."
and alanna was all like "really? me too"
So they went at it like rabbits.
And then a lot of stuff happened, none of it of any consequence until alanna chocked on a bean. It was funny.
and then alanna was kidnapped and no one was alowed to save her except Jonathan, who was too stupid to know that there were rules anyways.
and Jonathan was all like "I'm off to save my girlfriend-*cough cough* i mean, um, squire."
and roger was like "Nooo! his idiotcy foiled my ingenious plan once again. Damn you, batman!
One of these days I'll get you!"
and Jonathan was like "I though you were mad at me."
and roger said "Oh, yeah."
and alanna puked on jonathans feet.
and faithful was like "hey!!! you ass-holes!! you forgot about me."
and roger was all like "ahhhh!!!!! the cat is possesed by SATAN!"
and the Goddess was like "There is no hell,THERE IS NO SATAN!!!"
and roger was like "You mean I won't burn for plotting to kill the only heir to the kingdom?"
and the mother Goddess was like "nope."
and Jonathan was like "You-you're plotting to kill who?"
and roger was like "ummm.... the other sole heir to the throne." ( eyes dart suspiciously from side to side)
and jonathan was like "phew,that's good, I was scared."
and alanna was like "I was scared too."
and the Goddess was like "Oh, no you don't"
and they were like "awwwww"
and then the war ended and alanna dressed like a girl and Jon started to unlace her bodice and
alanna started yelling "rape! rape!"
and alanna said "is there a law about screwing in rose gardens?"
and jon was like "possibly. lets go to my chamber."
and alanna was like "I'm scared."
and jonathan was like "I'm scared too."
and alanna was like "maybe this fear emerges from a deep void in our phyche that we created by denying ourselves from exploring our biological urges."
and jonathan was like "huh?"
and alanna said "I said let's screw."
and Jonathan siad "Ok"
and the Goddess said "My work here is done".
~The End~
oh, yeah- and alanna passed the chamber of ordeal and got knighted and defeated the evil sorcerer duke roger and stuff.
**COMING SOON***
The Woman Who Rides A Man
(**cough**we mean, um, The Woman Who Rides *Like* A Man )
******THERE...our work here is done *******PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!
