The Woman Who Rides a Man...oops, we mean *Like* a Man...

Also known as "Song of the Lioness in a Nutshell: Part 3"

And "The Chick Who Rides Like A Dude"

Disclaimer: Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Don't sue us...

Or we'll smack you!!!

Dango: Shouldn't we say something about the fact that we own none of this...

Mikki: We own the Brazzir! Oh!!! And Briar **eyes glaze over**

Anyway....

One day Alanna and Corrum rode into the desert and met a bunch of men with bras on their heads who were all like, "Fa la la, we're the Brazzir!"

And Alanna was all like, "Aren't you supposed to be the Bazhir?"

And then Corrum was all like, "No...this is just the authors' lame attempt at humour..."

And Alanna was all like, "Brazzir? Ok. That's just stupid."

Then the Brazzir rode off into the sunsent, shortly after, Jonathan ran naked through the desert yelling, "Yay! I get screwed in this book!"

And then George was all like, "Really? Wow! So do I! Small world huh?"

And Jonathan was all like, "Hey! Who're you calling small?"

And Alanna was all like, "Goddamnit! You two aren't in this part!!"

And then George was all like, "Oh yeah...right...because this is the part where you go on an independant psychological voyage to try and cope with your fear of magic, and all your other repressed anxieties before commiting soley to one individual, right?"

And Alanna was all like, "Um... right."

And then a whole bunch of hillmen oh so conveniantly showed up so that Alanna could kick there asses and impress the onlooking Bazhir. Not to mention, create an interesting desert-battle sceen, featuring may shirtless men for a potential future movie.

And then the Bazhir were all like, "Yo, yo, yo! Get off our turff!!"

And then there was this dude (who's name we can't remember) who was all like, "Yo! Mastar G! Dats da homey dat killed those dudes who were, like, whacked...in dat city dat was, like, way uncool!"

And Halseif was all like, "Whoa! SHe's a chick...who rides like a dude...Hey! I know! Let's call her "The Chick Who Rides Like a Dude"

And the other Bazhir were all like, "Whoa, that's like, way creative man!"

And then a nameless Bazhir dude was all like, "Hey! Dude...where's my CARivan?"

And everyone else ignored him. Like they do Francis.

And Francis was all like, "Yay! I got mentioned!"

Then the Bazhir decided to take the "Chick Who Rides Like a Dude" back to their camp and sacrifice her in a satanic ritual.

And then the Mother Goddess was all like, "AAAARRGGHH!!!! THERE IS NO SATAN!!!"

And Akhan Ibn Nazzir ( Who shall henceforth be reffered to as 'That Ibn Guy Who's Name We're Not Going to Write Again Because it's Too Damn Long') saw Alanna and was all like, "AHH!!! It's SATAN!!!"

And Alanna was all like, "Shouldn't you be talking in gangster lingo too?"

And 'That Ibn Guy Who's Name We're Not Going to Write Again Because it's Too Damn Long' was all like "AHHH!!! Look! It's satan's SPAWN!!"

And Faithful was like, "Dammit Alanna! I thought I told you to burn those pictures!"

And then Halseif was all like, "Yo! Chick Who Rides Like a Dude, you wanna join our cult **cough** I mean ...club?"

And Alanna was all like, "Ok, what do I have to do?"

And Halseif was like, "Well, there's two choices, you can either gouge a hole in your arm with this jagged peice of metal, then let some dirty guy rub his blood in the open wound...or...you can run around the camp naked with your underwear on your head."

And Alanna was all like, " You people don't have much of a life, do you?"

Oh, and Alanna was innitiated, and she did some stuff ( and some people), and she murdured Halseif... oops...we mean 'That Ibn Guy Who's Name We're Not Going to Write Again Because it's Too Damn Long', trained some young Shamans, and learned to weave, and got like all domesticated and stuff.

And then Myles and Jonathan came, and Jon was all like, "I'm an ornery bastard who ran away from home because I have no concept of responsibility! Alanna! Screw me!"

And Alanna was all like "Nooo!!! You Fool! Not in front of the tribe!!!"

And Raoul was all like, "Duh"

And Alanna was all like, "Raoul, not only are you not in this part, you're not even in this book!"

And Francis was all like, "Yay!! I have a friend!"

And Alanna was all like, "Sut up Francis! You're unimportant!"

And Jonathan was all like, "No. See, he's not unimportant, it was impyed back in the first book that his death deeply psychologically tramatized me and urged you to heal, so without him, I'd be dead!"

And Alanna was all like, "Francis, if you weren't already dead...I'd beat you with a stick!"

And Ralon was all like, "You can beat me with a stick, squire Alan, I've been a bad, bad boy"

And Alanna was all like, "EEEW!!"

And then the Mitheran Priest was all like, "I'll beat you malven!"

And Ralon was all like, "No, sorry, I have to go now and rape someone so I can have acid thrown on my face and become horribly disfigured in time for the next book."

And then Jon was all like, "Ok, I don't know where this stupid plot is going, but it doesn't seem to be leading up to me and Alanna screwing! I wanna screw!"

And Alanna was all like "Righ, this sounds like a good idea, just like the time you insisted that we go to the Black City! I said we sould go to vegas and get married, but noooo!"

And then Jon was all like "'Kay, Marry Me Alanna!"

And Alanna was like, "What! You're not supposed to ask me that until after we screw and I become pregnantwith your lov- ...nevermind."

So they screwed, and then lots of pointless stuff happened. And then Jon decided to ready the horses without alannas permission , so she spazzed and went off to screw George. And Jon screwed Josiane, and Delia, and faithful screwed that cat in someones back yoard, and Rispah screwed Corrum....so everyone got laid and was happy...well except for Ralon who was horribly disfigured...wow...just like a disney movie!

The End