Oh, I just keep cranking these babies out!  It probably really helps that I'm getting such a wonderful response, though!  Thank you to all of you faithful reviewers!  Okay, well, here goes nothing!

*****

Take My Hand

Part 4

*****

"If I could say what I wanna say,

I'd say I wanna blow you away.

Be with you every night.

Am I squeezing you too tight?

If I could say what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say."

--Avril Lavigne, "Things I'll Never Say"

What is your greatest fear?  Many people fear different things.  Perhaps you fear drowning, burning, dying alone, dying at all, speaking in front of large groups, being in cramped spaces, or falling from a great height.  Maybe you're afraid of spiders, bees, clowns, snakes, scorpions, or dark spaces.  Whatever it is, there is a usually some way to cure yourself of this debilitating fear.  Most often, people will tell you to confront your fears.  That's fine for them to advise you thus, but they aren't afraid of the things that you are!

What if what you fear most is being honest?  Not only being honest with yourself, but also being honest with those you care about.  What if you can't bring yourself to tell them how you feel?  Is confronting this fear truly the only way to rid yourself of it?  And what if your honesty is met with apathy, or even antipathy?  If you are thrown down in your most tender moment, won't that only increase your fear of being honest with those you care for?  Perhaps the safest plan is not to admit your feelings until you are sure they will be returned in kind.

But then, did you really act bravely in that case, or did you take the coward's way out?

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Again, I found myself somewhere unfamiliar.  Again, I was soothed by the presence of the man I'd been living with for so long now, I couldn't remember the exact period of time.  I was facing him this time, though.  When I opened my eyes, I found myself looking at Vash's wrinkled shirt, noting the top button was casually undone, exposing a triangle of his warmly colored chest.  I could feel his arms wrapped around me, and something about the way they held me reminded me of a child.  He was so desperate for me to stay with him.  So afraid that this new information would cause me to abandon him.  It was funny, because the fact of the matter was that I couldn't imagine living happily without Vash.  Not anymore.  He was a necessary commodity in my life, like air, or water.  He was something I simply couldn't do without.  And he thought I'd leave because he killed that asshole of a brother he had?  After what Knives did, a bullet to the head was overly humane by most standards.  I suppose I could understand why Vash felt that what he did was unforgivable.  I meant what I said to him, though.  I couldn't have left no matter what it was that he did.  Couldn't he see that I loved him?  I suppose it might have been easier if I were to let him in on that piece of information. 

And somehow, even after all we had gone through, I still found myself terrified of the idea.  Putting my heart on the line like that…there was so much to risk.  If he rejected me, I would have my heart broken.  And after that, would he leave?  I would feel terrible, knowing that I drove him away, forever cursing my selfish need to speak.  But if he stayed?  It would be so incredibly uncomfortable, having my unrequited love in the air, not answered, not returned.  I would feel as though he pitied me, and he probably would.

What to do?  I couldn't just tell him, not without some evidence that it wouldn't end up in some painfully awkward scene.  It wasn't that I was a coward; it would just be better that way for both of us.  I wouldn't want things to be difficult for Vash, that was all.  But how could I find out how he felt about me?  This was all so ridiculous; I wasn't experienced in this sort of thing.  I wished desperately that Millie could help me.  She seemed so simple and naïve, but she definitely understood emotions better than I did.  I'd give her that.  But now that I needed her, she was too far away to help me…

Wait!  Hadn't she left me her phone number?  I knew I had it somewhere.  The only problem now was getting up to call her without waking up Vash.  Well, perhaps I didn't need to call her right away.  After all, supposing he did turn me down, he'd likely never let us become this close again.  I knew I should cherish every moment I had with him.  In moments like this I could almost pretend that he loved me as I loved him.  It was so sweet, so tender, the way he held me close.  I adjusted my own arms, one of which was slung over his body, the other one was folded over between us.  Cautiously, I moved my folded arm out of its constrained prison between my chest and his.  Not knowing where to put it, I busied myself with Vash's hair, enjoying the silky texture of the strands as I brushed my fingers through the golden locks.  His hair was so soft for that of a man.  I remembered my brothers having rough, wiry hair, nothing like this soft, luxurious stuff that topped Vash's head.  I'd always been curious to know how it felt.  I knew it didn't stick up naturally, as I'd seen him with his hair tousled after a long day before, and after I found him, he'd never bothered to put it up.  It was getting a bit long, and I could tell that his hair was longer than mine.  That struck me as funny for some reason, and I was forced to stifle a giggle as I continued playing with his hair.  My hand moved lazily, occasionally dropping to touch his cheeks, his forehead, his chin, his neck.  I avoided his lips, however.  I was getting bolder and bolder, though, my fingers tracing his jaw, brushing over his nose, down the column of his neck.  I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when he opened his eyes, but it was so sudden, I almost screamed in shock.

"You're still here." He smiled slightly, not seeming upset about my wandering hand.  I tucked it underneath my neck to keep it from getting any more bright ideas.  "I thought…after I told you…"

"You honestly thought I would hate you, didn't you?" I sighed, sad that he didn't have more faith in my feelings for him.  "I couldn't hate you, Vash.  It'd be easier to hate myself than to hate you."

"What do you mean?" Vash asked.  "Is this…is this about that secret you're supposed to tell me?"

Damn.  He'd remembered.  Maybe I could stall just until my courage showed up.  It currently seemed to be on vacation.  "Uh, sort of." I blushed, hiding my face against his chest.  The close contact only made my blush deepen.  This was going nowhere fast.

"Well, I told you mine." He was stroking her head softly.  "And I promise, no matter what it is, I won't leave you."

"That's fair." I suddenly felt extremely resigned.  It was now or never, not that I expected this to end happily, but nothing ever happens if you don't have the courage to make it happen.  "Okay, then."  I was very calm.  I couldn't believe it.  Any time now, the words would start to stick in my throat, I knew.  "I don't want this to hurt our friendship at all, Vash.  But I thought…I should tell you…how I feel."  Okay, I was a little bit nervous by now, but could you really blame me?  "Vash, I'm in love with you."  I could not believe I said it without my head imploding.

"Um…what was that?" I realized that I was talking into his chest, again.  Dammit!  Why did this have to be so difficult?  I couldn't possibly say it again.  I straightened my neck nonetheless, preparing to repeat what I'd said.

"Vash," I began, feeling my heart fluttering in terror.  I did not want to do this twice!  Why did I have to say it twice?  And then, right there as I sat hesitating over which words would work best, and cursing my fate for being so utterly unhelpful, Vash burst into a laughing fit.  I couldn't say anything to that.  He was laughing at me!  What the hell?  "What?" was all I could manage, somehow feeling incredibly embarrassed.  I was trying to profess my love to him, and he was laughing at me!  Unbelievable!

"You just…look so upset…" he chuckled.

"And that's funny how?" I was extremely upset.  What was going on here?

"I…wasn't really…gonna make you…" he finished, sighing as he stopped laughing.

"Make me what?" I wanted to know.

"Say it twice…" his voice was serious now, and the tone he used was something I'd never heard from him before.  It excited me and scared me all at once.  He knew!  Now what?  Would he refuse me, or perhaps he'd—

I had no more time to wonder, as he brought his lips forward the few inches that it took to meet my own.  I was shocked at first, but that was soon swept away by a happy wave of euphoria.  Vash was kissing me!  Did this mean…I couldn't think of what it might mean at the moment.  I was entirely too absorbed in the feel of his lips on mine, the soft noise in his throat, the way his arms tightened around me, and the sudden feeling that I'd never get enough of this.

All too soon, he broke away; his eyes looking at me in a way that made chills run down my spine.  "When the townspeople found who I was." He spoke after a moment.  "You saved me from them…something you said…I was reminded of Rem.  I realized that…I couldn't lose you.  I need you, Meryl."

"Why didn't you ever say something?" I asked, feeling a twinge of irritation, though it was nothing to the happiness that was swelling through me.

"Why didn't you?" he asked in return, smiling with laughter in his eyes.  I couldn't resist, and I leaned in for another kiss, short and soft.  He chased it with one of his own raw, passionate kisses.  As it continued, I noted that my face felt very warm.  My entire body felt very warm.  I realized that there was something behind this kiss, something more than I had expected, and I didn't know what to do about it.  With a shock, I felt something hard and hot pressing against my leg, and I nearly squealed in surprise.  What was I supposed to do now?  Vash broke away, and I heard him curse under his breath, hopping up from the couch and racing away, calling over his shoulder something about wanting to brush his teeth.

Well, that was certainly a change in routine.  Not that I was complaining.

----------

That night, I couldn't fall asleep.  I think part of the problem was that I was so high on my own happiness that I was nearly bouncing off the walls.  Well, I wasn't quite that excited, but I was extremely restless.  Also, I was troubled by the fact that Vash, not at all the lecherous man I recalled him to be, had not even asked to join me in bed.  He'd left me to sleep alone, and so there I was, four hours later, still tossing and turning.  Finally, I hopped out of bed, going to the door with no real purpose in mind.  I thought vaguely that a glass of water might be nice, but as I continued down the short hall, I felt myself being drawn irresistibly to the living room couch.

There he was, the only man I'd ever loved.  The only man that had ever loved me, as far as I knew.  What were the chances that after we parted without a single word of our mutual feelings all those years ago, life would somehow bring us together again?  At least I hadn't let my second chance go without a word of protest.  I felt as though telling Vash how I felt was probably the bravest thing I'd ever done, even compared to all those dangerous insurance control missions I'd been sent on.  Now that I'd done it, I knew that it was more than worth the terror it had caused me to feel.

Smiling slightly, I dropped down to sit beside his stretched out form, casually brushing his haphazard hair out of his face, letting my hand brush softly against his peaceful face.  He stirred slightly in his sleep, mumbling something incoherent before I felt his arms around me, pulling me onto the couch more fully.  I wasn't about to fight against that, so I fell easily against him, my smile widening slightly as he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, nuzzling his nose in my hair.

"Go to sleep, Meryl." He murmured, surprising me a bit.  Was he awake?  Probably.  Did that upset me at all?  Not really.  I grinned warmly, pressing my lips to the first bit of skin they met, his throat. 

"Did I wake you?" I asked softly.  If he was only talking in his sleep, I didn't want to really wake him up.

"I could hear you." He answered, one hand reaching up to brush through my hair.  I saw the glisten of his eyes in the dark.  "There are worse things to wake up to."

"I couldn't sleep." I admitted sheepishly, stretching out slightly before snuggling against the warmth of his body.

"Your feet are cold." He mumbled, draping his blanket more fully over me, sitting up momentarily to cover my feet.  I couldn't help but smile to see the concern he was showing me.  He lay back down, snaking an arm under my waist, letting the other hand go back to it's previous occupation with my hair.  I grinned up at him sleepily, finally feeling the fatigue that had eluded me all evening.  I moved closer to him, tucking my head under his chin as he continued to stroke my hair.  It was a comforting feeling, having him there, and the repetitive movement of his hand on my head.  I yawned, draping my arm over his ribcage, letting my fingers trace lazy patterns on his back, nothing that forced me to tilt my arm at all, or even move my wrist more than the tiniest bit.  He was wearing a cotton undershirt, and even in the dark I could see that it was white.  Vash didn't wear a lot of white, I realized idly, not thinking much about it past just making a mental note not to ever buy him white clothes.  He'd never wear them.

He fell asleep before I did.  I could tell he was finally asleep because his breathing became low and steady, his hand moving slower and slower until it finally stopped, a comfortable weight on the side of my head.  At least, I assumed he was asleep.  He'd tricked me before.  Not that it was something I was terribly worried about.  It was just an observation I made just before letting myself follow his example, my eyes closing as a darkness settled comfortably in my mind.

----------

Over the next month, I noticed a change coming over Vash.  Not only did he seem less depressed, he actually shared genuine smiles with me.  It made me pleased to no end knowing that I could make him honestly happy.  We still didn't share a bed, but more often than not, I'd end up out on the couch with him.  It wasn't that I couldn't sleep without him.  Obviously I'd lived a long time before I met Vash, sleeping alone perfectly fine.  I just liked how it felt, falling asleep in his arms.  Waking up beside him.  It was so happy, and strangely innocent.  We would exchange kisses, but it was never anything more serious than that.  To tell you the truth, I was a bit scared to take the next step.  It seems odd, but even at my age, I'd never really been with a man.  It's not that I couldn't find anyone who'd have me.  I just…wanted my first time to be with someone I really cared about.  Someone like Vash.

But now that I had found him, and told him how I felt, and kissed him countless times, I found that I was suddenly scared to try anything else.  I mean, what if it got out of hand and I got hurt?  I know that Vash wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but the fact of the matter was that I'd heard how terribly easy it was for your first time to be a terrible experience, even if it was with someone you loved.  Supposedly, it was better after that, but the idea of going through the first painful time wasn't something that appealed to me very much.  I could tell Vash was more than ready to move on past kissing, but he was obviously waiting for me to make some sort of move.  It was such an uncomfortable situation.  Imagine realizing that you were driving your boyfriend insane because you were scared of sex and he wasn't going to push you into it.  And then a terrible idea struck me.  What if I waited too long and he simply left me?  Wasn't it true that men really liked sex?  If I wouldn't…would he leave me?  Would he get sick of waiting?

It was much too embarrassing for me to actually ask him this, but I hinted at it once, jokingly saying that if I didn't put out pretty soon, he'd find himself someone who would.  Vash, of course, saw through the joke to the real concern I felt over this issue and assured me that he could wait just as long as I wanted.  He said that even if I never wanted to take that step, he couldn't just leave me.  That's when he first told me that he loved me.  It left me crying, feeling foolish for shedding tears over something so simple.  But then, it wasn't simple, was it?  Nothing in my life had ever been as complicated and confusing as my relationship with Vash.  I remember hearing how men never understood women, but it seemed that in our relationship, Vash was more empathetic than I was.  That was just the person he was, I suppose.  He always knew when something was bothering me, and though he occasionally slipped up and said something that made me angry, he was quick to apologize.  I think the reason that our relationship was so atypical was because Vash wasn't like any other man I'd ever known.  Hell, when it comes right down to it, he wasn't even human, technically, though he seemed to work about the same way as most of us.  He just lived longer and had a better understanding of the world than anyone would expect.  He didn't look like an old man.  He looked like he was in his prime, and since he was immortal, I suppose he was.

I never brought up the subject of his brother after that.  I could tell it was something that upset him, and even after our talk, he'd still look very sad from time to time.  All I could do when that happened was simply be there for him, as I always was.  I worried sometimes when I thought about his immortality.  Would it be hard for him after I was gone?  Would he get over me and move on?  Would he brood about it and become lost again, without anyone to understand him?  Or would he find someone else?  A friend, a lover, someone who could care for this old timer, this child, this man that I called Vash.  I didn't know what I wanted to happen after I was gone, but I knew that he'd manage.  He always had, after all.

*****

The End (Of Part Four, That Is)