Okay, I'd like to start this chapter with a personal note to Jade, my dearest imouto-chan: I'm sorry! But I can't change what happened in the series, and you wouldn't have been so devastated if you already knew! Therefore, you should watch the show! It's not like it's hard to watch or anything. Well…there is that really sad part…and then that other sad part…but hey, GENOCIDE!!! Go watch it! Or at least start it!

Now that we're done with that, lets move on to more pressing matters, like poor Vash and Meryl. I think it's pretty funny that even though this is all being told from Meryl's point of view, almost everyone that sympathized with one character over the other on the subject of The Fight decided that Meryl was just being a bitch. I mean, you would think that you'd sympathize with the person whose perspective you're hearing from, but you know, I was kinda pissed at her too. I mean, seriously, why'd she have to be so mean? He was just being concerned! Yeah…okay, I need to write.

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Take My Hand

Part 8

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Sometimes I consider life to be like a very precariously stacked card castle. The more cards you use, the bigger and better your castle may become, but with that improvement in quality you sacrifice the security and stability of a smaller castle. Also, it seems that when one card falls out of place or is not stacked with the utmost care and precision, the entire tower becomes wholly unbalanced until the first card falls, bringing down several others with it. Usually, one card can bring down the entire stack when it falls out of place, and that's the real problem. If only there was a way to keep every aspect of life separated from each other, you could have a mishap at home that would not affect your ability to function well in the office, and vice versa.

It's terrible that when such things occur, you often don't realize what is happening until so much has collapsed that it seems you have to start again from the very base of your tower. And of course, after you've witnessed the destruction that is likely to take place if you build your life up once more, you are more apt to simplify your life and practice caution. Of course, you only get a chance to simplify and act cautiously if you can salvage any of what has fallen down around you with seemingly no warning. At that moment, when you are feeling lost and incomplete and utterly discouraged at how quickly all you've worked carefully to build can collapse around you, that is when you decide that things cannot get any worse, any more out of control than they already are. And that is when you are presented with a new situation that you never even thought about before that moment.

It just goes to show you that you should never say things couldn't possibly get any worse. They can always get worse, believe me. I had been working with practically no sleep for two weeks straight when Vash and I had the fight that resulted in him leaving me with almost no warning and absolutely no idea of where he could be or if he might ever return. I had wanted to chase after him, but my pride insisted that by following him, I would be admitting that he had actually left me, something I hadn't thought possible for quite some time at that point. Perhaps, after all, he had only left for a walk to clear his head, and I would wake up with him in bed beside me or maybe out on the living room couch to show his continued displeasure with my harsh words and immature attitude toward his concern for me. I think that I had realized I had gone too far almost as soon as I spoke the last words of our fight that night, and I was ready to apologize by the time I climbed into bed alone afterward, tears springing to my eyes as I considered the possibility that maybe he really had left for good. After all, I had basically told him that he was a burden and I didn't want him there, but I hoped that he would see through my words as he usually did, to the true meaning behind all the things I said. Vash was always so perceptive that it seemed possible, but he was also very sensitive, and it seemed all too likely that he had taken my harsh words literally and decided that he'd had enough of my mood swings and unappreciative treatment of his emotions and concerns.

When I woke the next morning, I felt a sinking emptiness flow through me as I noted the continued absence of my lover beside me. And when I got up to check the couch, hoping against hope that he would be there, tousled by sleep and still wearing his clothes as he often did when he was napping or sleeping by himself, I found it unoccupied. That's when I cried, becoming so hysterical that I almost forgot that I had to go to work still. I might have just stayed at home all day, trying to find what traces Vash had left of his presence in our home, but some habits are so strongly ingrained that I cannot ignore them, no matter how upset I am. And little did I know that things would get much more complicated before they had a chance to get any better.

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"Sempai! What's wrong with you?" Millie's bright blue eyes were wide and gleaming with concern almost as soon as she saw me enter the office that day after my fight with Vash. "You look terrible!"

"I'm fine." I lied as I slumped down at my desk, pulling the papers out of my briefcase and getting started on another day's worth of monotonous, dreary work. How could I have placed the importance of a few boring legal forms over the emotions of Vash? He was…so much to me. Everything in my world seemed to revolve around his feelings and ideas, and I hadn't really thought about it like that until I stupidly pushed him away and had to discover how much I had come to depend on him.

"You had a fight, didn't you? With Vash." Millie immediately knew what was wrong, and I wasn't very surprised. She'd always been able to read me like an open book, and I was so emotionally drained at that moment that I couldn't have hid my feelings from her if I honestly wanted to.

"Yeah." I looked up at her, knowing that my eyes must still be red and puffy from all the crying I'd been doing that morning. "He left."

"He…left?" Millie seemed surprised at this. She'd been to visit my apartment twice since she'd returned, and apparently she'd decided that Vash and I were in a relatively secure relationship, so it was a shock to think that we could have fought so badly that Vash would feel as though he must leave. Of course, she wasn't as familiar with Vash's self-worth issues as I was, so I don't think she could quite see how fragile our relationship had really been.

"I said…some things." I felt a blush of shame rise to my cheeks as I explained, not looking up from the form I was pretending to go over as a way to avoid any accusatory looks. "And then he left. I guess…I wasn't thinking."

"Some things? What could you have possibly said that made him leave? Is he only taking a break, or is he really…really gone? Do you know where he went? Have you tried to talk to him yet?" Millie always let all her questions loose in one burst as though I was possibly capable of answering that many questions at once. At least I could try.

"I just…said things. I didn't mean them, but I think Vash thought I did. I haven't talked to him yet because I don't know where he is. I didn't realize he was leaving until I heard the door slam shut." I could feel tears pricking at my eyelids again, and I found it amazing that I still had any tears left after all the crying I'd done earlier. "I don't know if he's gone for good or not…we love each other…so maybe…" Or maybe…maybe I'd only thought he loved me. I didn't know what to think then, and for some reason, I couldn't stop the tears that were falling down my cheeks. I felt ridiculous because I couldn't control my emotions and I didn't know why. Maybe it was all the stress.

"Meryl, it's okay." Millie didn't use the honorific, as she was nothing but a friend to me at that moment. She captured me in a hug, letting me cry out my confusion on her shoulder as she assured that it would all be all right. "He loves you, I know he does. I could see it when he looked at you." And even though it sounded a bit hokey, that made me feel better than anything else.

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It's funny what kind of things can change your life forever.

I couldn't help but think of that as I stared down at the stick that I was holding in my hand. To someone who had never seen one before, it would seem to be some sort of thick white pen that was a bit flattened and wider toward the middle of it's length. I was looking down at the little window that was in the plastic there, where two little lines looked back at me with a clinical detachment that only a medical test can offer.

I had purchased the test with only a slight amount of worry that perhaps the reason why I was over a week late was because I was pregnant. I had assumed that, as was normal in my life, the irregularity in my cycle had been caused by undue amounts of stress. Considering that Vash had been missing for almost two weeks and the fact that I was still constantly bogged down with work stemming from the infamous train accident and it's unending related legal disputes, this seemed like a relatively likely diagnosis, but when I was at the store purchasing more coffee and batteries for my remote, I had seen the tests sitting on the shelf and impulsively decided that it was better to be safe than sorry. After all, Vash and I hadn't exactly shown a lot of concern toward protection of any sort, and I guess we figured that since I hadn't gotten pregnant yet, it wasn't something to worry about or discuss.

Now I realized how stupid it was to take such a foolhardy approach, but in our defense, we'd never been in a long-term relationship with someone else before, so we really didn't have any prior examples to use as a model for how to approach the idea. I should have thought of it before, after all, having sex all the time would eventually result in a baby, but I guess somewhere along the line, I never made the connection that if we continued to have sex all the time, I would get a baby whether I wanted one or not. That is why you should never get caught up in the romance of a situation. It makes you unbelievably stupid.

Still gripping the pregnancy test tightly in one hand, I left my bathroom and went straight for the phone. I had to tell someone so that maybe they could tell me what I was supposed to do now that I was single and pregnant and had no idea where the father of my child was. But as I held the receiver in one hand, I started to feel doubts creeping up over me. What if the test was wrong? What was the point of getting worried about something that was only a false alarm? And besides, maybe Vash would till come back. I had to keep believing that. I knew that Millie was trying to find him, though she was attempting to keep this a secret, as I had told her not to bother with it, he would come back if he truly wanted to anyway, and it wasn't my place to hunt him down. I was touched that she would do what she obviously saw to be in my best interests whether I had given her permission or not. However, the fact that he had been gone ten days already had me more than a little worried that maybe he really was gone for good. Apparently, he'd never cared as strongly for me in the beginning anyway, so he could only put up with so much of my bad treatment before he called it quits and moved on.

And who could I possibly tell? My mother? She'd kill me. My brothers? They'd hunt Vash down and kill him. I never really had a close relationship with my father, so that wasn't an option either. Millie would be a perfect candidate, but she would likely have a fit if she found out that this situation had just grown even more complicated. She was really such a good friend, I couldn't bear to cause her any more trouble or worry her. In the end, I decided that I would wait and see what would happen. Either this thing was just a fluke and I was still in normal health, or I would have to come up with something to tell my family pretty soon. Although, besides all the worry and nervousness the idea caused, I secretly relished the idea that Vash, even if he never did return to me, had left a bigger piece of himself than I could have hoped for otherwise. No matter what happened, if I was really pregnant, I would keep the child. It might be all I had left of the only man I'd ever loved.

Setting the phone down, I decided that it was time for a nice, long walk. I grabbed my coat and my purse and headed out the door, my head still swimming with the implications of the positive test. Even if I didn't tell anyone now, I would eventually have to explain to my mother that the man I had been seeing had been living with me, sleeping with me…I didn't really want to do that. I might have been far past the age of having to fear maternal punishment, but that didn't mean I wanted to aggravate the woman. My mother and I had never been exceptionally close, which might have been why I kept things from her. She knew that I was an insurance worker, but she had no idea that I went on dangerous control missions. Not that I had gone on anything even slightly dangerous compared to the Vash job, but still. She thought I was perfectly innocent, and if she knew how many derringers I usually carried, I don't know what she'd do.

And then there was the problem of my brothers. They would want to hunt down the father and castrate him slowly. They'd always been protective of me in our youth, and though I had distanced myself from them early on, I knew them well enough to know what their response would be. Aaron and Gavin seemed like normal men, perfectly peaceable and even a bit bumbling, but when it came to my honor…they were very committed. Maybe that was part of the reason Vash was my first. I had liked other guys, but never enough to want to risk my brothers finding out and killing him. It takes love to make you blind to consequences.

Just then, I heard something that sounded familiar, and I froze. Was that Vash's voice? I stepped back slightly, looking inside the little coffee shop I'd just passed, and there he was. I couldn't see his face because his back was to me, but I knew I'd recognize that hair anywhere. He was sitting with Millie in a booth, and from the look on her face, they were arguing about something. I stood there for several moments, debating whether I should go in or not, but as someone brushed past me, I was all but pushed in, and then he looked up and I knew it was too late. There were so many things that flew through my mind as Millie and him both looked up at me as I made my way over to their table, feeling as though this whole situation was very surreal. I could tell they both expected me to say something, and Vash looked more than a little nervous. I wanted to ask him why he left me, if he'd come back, if I could kiss him, if he missed me. I wanted to tell him I loved him and I was sorry for everything I said, and I was stupid to let my stubborn pride get the better of me. I wanted to get on my knees and beg him to take me back.

"Um…can I join you guys?" That was what I finally said, sounding incredibly stupid and unsure of myself. It was pathetic, but it was all I could do not to fall apart in the middle of that coffee shop and start crying and pleading with Vash.

"We were just talking about you." Millie looked as though this sort of thing happened to her every day, and her broad smile almost put me at rest. Almost. "I actually have to get going right now, but don't mind me. I'm sure you two can find something to talk about." She was so unbelievably cheerful through it all that I felt the strength to move and take her place across from Vash, who's eyes were boring into mine with more emotions than I could identify. As Millie waved and left, Vash bit his lip and looked away uncomfortably.

"I…should go too." He finally spoke, and even though he sounded like he was about to start crying, the sound of his voice was so sweet that I felt myself melt inside.

"Vash…please stay." I stopped him, my hand shaking as I held it up. I pulled a napkin out of the stack on the side of the table and began worrying it with my fingers, staring at it so that I wouldn't have to meet his eyes. "I miss you." I told him, feeling my chest constrict and knowing that if I had to make many more like confessions, I'd start to cry regardless of my usual emotional restraint in public and in private.

"That's what Millie says." Vash answered. I could tell from the tightening of his mouth that he was still mad about what I'd said to him. "But you're the one who kicked me out."

"Kicked you out?" For a moment, I felt a surge of indignant anger. He was making it seem as though I had been the only one at fault, as though I had thrown him out on the street with no choice but to return to homelessness. And yet…I realized that to him, maybe it had seemed as though I was kicking him out. The words I'd said…they still stung in my ears. I could only imagine what Vash must have been feeling. "I didn't…Vash, can we go for a walk? I don't like talking in here. There are too many people."

"Yeah." Vash flashed me the briefest smile of relief, and I figured that he must have been just as uncomfortable with discussing our private problems in the middle of a crowded coffee shop as I was. I should have guessed as much, considering his usual affinity for staying at home, away from the public eye. I understood why it was that people as a whole made Vash a bit nervous, but I supposed that I would never feel it to the extent that he did. That did not mean I wanted to discuss our relationship in a coffee shop, but the fact that it made me feel awkward gave a hint of how nervous Vash must have been feeling before I finally suggested we leave.

Neither of us had anything to take with us, as Vash was wandering around without any sort of a jacket and I hadn't taken mine off at all in the brief time I'd been in the coffee shop. I eyed his dirty outfit critically, and even reached up to almost brush my hand over the newly formed stubble that was edging on becoming a full-fledged beard covering his cheeks and chin. He looked at me when I reached up, however, and I didn't have the guts to actually touch my face considering the situation. We were fighting, as far as I knew, and even though we'd both had time to think about it and cool down a bit, I was pretty sure that we weren't allowed to be touching and kissing as though nothing was wrong. What are the rules of displaying affection when you're fighting with your boyfriend, anyway? I wasn't sure, so I decided not to let myself feel the bristly texture of Vash's face.

"You look filthy." I commented, taking in the state of his clothing and the rest of him as well as we walked down the street. "I forgot how it was when I first found you."

"You make it sound like I'm a stray dog or something." Vash didn't sound entirely pleased, so I decided to drop it. After all, I reminded myself, I was at fault here much more than Vash was. He may have overreacted, but I had gone way too far with my insults, and I knew all the while that Vash had a tendency to take every harsh word much more seriously than it was intended.

"So…how did Millie find you?" I asked, deciding that I wasn't brave enough to launch straight into an apology.

"Checked all the dirty alleys." Vash was obviously in a bad mood, and he seemed to be blaming his current living situation on me, which I thought was entirely unfair. I did say some mean things, but I really hadn't forced him to leave, and I knew that if Vash really wanted some other place to stay, he was perfectly capable of making the money to pay for such a luxury.

"Vash…I shouldn't have said those things." I told him, deciding that I needed to skip the small talk before I really started to get mad at Vash. After all, I just wanted this fight to end, and I didn't really care if he thought I was the only one at fault here. I knew I had done something wrong, so I was doing what I could to make it right.

"Why not?" Vash shrugged. "Everything you said was true."

"What?" I nearly squawked in protest. "No it wasn't! I was just mad! I was trying to make you leave me alone, and I went too far."

"It was the truth, though." Vash pointed out. "I don't pay the rent. You bought all my clothes, almost all the food comes from you…all I do is cook and clean and make a little change down at the diner." I didn't really have anything to say to that at first. It was true, wasn't it? I was really the main provider between the two of us, and though it didn't bother me in the slightest, apparently it was a very painful thing for Vash or he wouldn't have left when I brought it up.

"Vash." I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but I knew that no matter what, I wanted him to come home with me. That was when I realized that we were headed toward my apartment. I could see it, just a bit further ahead of us, and I wondered if it was out of habit that we were going this way, or if Vash had chosen this path. I couldn't recall who was leading between the two of us, and I realized that like many things between us, it didn't matter. It was so mundane that it didn't compare to the things that were, to me, truly important. Licking my lips, I decided to give voice to this. "That doesn't matter to me." I started, pausing to let him understand what I meant.

"The fact that I'm a bum?" Vash asked, and I winced at the bitterness thick in his voice. That voice of his was too sweet and pure to be bitter. It hurt to hear it there, and I pressed on, stopping as we reached the entry to the apartment complex.

"Vash, I don't care that you're not rich and that your job is scrubbing dishes and bussing tables at a tiny corner diner." I told him firmly. "I don't care that you sometimes mix up my papers when you're cleaning my room, or that your feet are cold when you come back to bed after getting up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night. Those things…they aren't important to me."

"Then what is?" Vash demanded. "If you didn't care about every little thing I do wrong, why do you keep track of all of them."

"Vash…are you saying that you don't notice when I do something that you don't like?" I asked him. He shook his head sheepishly before I continued. "All I'm trying to say is that you don't have to be perfect Vash, because I loved you when you were a lot worse off than this, and none of that bothered me. I still love you. And that's what's important here."

"But…doesn't it bother you that I don't do anything?" Vash was obviously confused.

"You do just as much as me, but you do it at home." I pointed out. "You cook, you clean, you have everything ready for me all the time. Sometimes I feel as though I don't do enough, to tell you the truth."

"No, Meryl, that's not true." Vash shook his head immediately. "You do plenty!"

"Then don't fight me on this." I smiled at him softly. "Can we just…go home now?" I reached out a hand, and he smiled back at me slowly before reaching forward, his fingers enveloping mine like a glove of warmth before we both went inside and up to our apartment. As soon as the door closed, the timidity that Vash had been displaying seemed to flee, and his hands and lips were all over me as I returned his enthusiasm at the homecoming. It had been ten days, but in my mind, there had never before been a longer week and a half in the history of time.

We spent the rest of the evening making up, and I forgot all about the pregnancy test until we were lying together on the bed, Vash already fast asleep with his arms around me as I lay in utter exhaustion, recalling how strange the day had been. When I recalled the test, I remembered that I had left it out on the end table by the phone, but I couldn't bring myself to escape the warm cocoon of Vash that surrounded me to go dispose of it. I couldn't tell him yet, I knew that, but I would do so in time. And now that he was with me, I knew that everything would be alright. Love makes every problem you have seem unimportant in comparison to the joy it brings.

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The End (Of Part 8, That Is)