Never has anything I written inspired such an impassioned response as did the rant I wrote just the other day.  What you guys read was actually the edited version, so it's surprising that I still got such a range of emotional replies, varying from indignant and angry to pitying and sympathetic.  I actually still did receive a few of those happy, carefree reviews, but I'm not sure that those people read the rant.  Kinda funny if you think about it.  Anyway, I realize that many of you were upset by what I had to say, but the fact of the matter is that I thought you would appreciate my honesty and take more from that then if I was just indulgent and apathetic, as that is what many of you have been telling me for as long as I've been on ff.net…about three and a half years now.  I never thought that fanfiction was very important to any of you, as it is really not that important to me.  It's just a fun little thing to do when I feel like it, and though it can be difficult at times, I was more than ready to put this fic to pasture and move on.  After all, I am writing other things that do continue to make me happy, so it's not as though I was swearing fanfiction off forever, which I think a couple of you assumed.  Most of the angry responses told me that I was very immature, and I needed to get used to honest reader response.  I am used to honest reader response, and I was shocked that no one seemed to notice that what I was trying to say was that the biggest flaw of this story, the glaring error that should be noticeable to at least a portion of you, has yet to be called to my attention by the readers.  I was disappointed, not because people were flaming me, but because they weren't.  No one, even once, said in even a friendly tone "hey, teresa, this story's cute and all but…where's the plot?  Nothing's happening."  I wanted honesty, and I felt that I wasn't receiving it, so I hoped to at least be honest with you guys since you deserve to know how this makes me feel.  I believe that authors share their personal feelings with their readers throughout their writing, and I thought that being honest would only be another small piece of me that I shared with you guys, and if you look closely at this story, if you read the monologues and think about them, many of them start off not only from what Meryl is feeling, but what I am feeling.  They're very personal, and they're very true, and that is why they're the one part of this fic that I'm really proud of.  I used to really enjoy writing this fic since it was so easy to do.  I mean, no plot, no worries, right?  But I became dissatisfied with that and developed a sort of love-hate relationship with this fic.  I loved when I could write a monologue just so, but the rest of the fic I just kept thinking that no one really cared about the best part of it, and they were all just eating up the fluff with no concern for the good stuff.  I think this was probably spawned when I received several reviews in the space of a few weeks that were meant to be encouraging and light, but which let slip that many people were not reading the monologues.  When you put so much into something and it's overlooked in favor of some random, easy to digest fluff, it makes you feel as though everything you've feel, everything you believe, everything you hope for and desire…none of that matters to anyone but you, and no one feels the way you do.  No one wants to hear what you think.  So I posted the rant after another reviewer went on and on about how cute the story was, but could I not waste time on those monologues since they were boring.  It wasn't the first time the monologues were ignored, and it likely won't be the last, but it was enough to make me snap.  I lashed out and told you guys how I felt.  You told me how you felt in return, and you know what?  That's all I ever wanted.  I'm glad that so many of you do care about this fic, and for all of you, yes, even for the ones that called me immature (which kinda made me laugh, I mean, my best friend still thinks farts are the height of humor, I know I'm immature) I will continue this story and try my best to finish it without forgetting that even though some people are skipping this introduction right now, some of you are reading it.  Some of you are believing what I say to be the truth of what I feel, and some of you are feeling a response to that, and for you guys, I can write.  Even if it is plotless fluff.  Thanks.

*****

Take My Hand

Part 13

*****

I sometimes wonder if our lives are as terribly important and all-consuming as we'd like to believe that they are.  Seriously, do you wonder how many people care about the things that affect you deeply?  How many people worry whether you're ill, if you are upset or hurt or in serious need of help?  When something wonderful happens to you, how many people will be truly happy for you?  I try not to think about these things too deeply, as it only leads to worry that perhaps those few people I hold so dear to me are in some way viewing my life as something that is of secondary importance.  How would you feel if you realized that your close friends and those you loved best cared very little for you in reality?  It would bring your world crashing down around you, most likely.

On the other side of things, there's always the chance that you're someone who would rather believe that no one will be terribly affected by the impact of your life on theirs, and in this case, you usually underestimate how important you are to others.  For many years, I believed that even though my family loved me, as was socially expected of them, they would not be terribly worried if I was suddenly terribly injured or deathly ill.  Transversely, I believed that any sort of happy occurrence in my own life would seem rather inane to them.  Having a baby, getting married, falling in love…any of it.  I found out after Vash entered my life not only that I was loved unconditionally by one man, but that my family cared for me very dearly.  I think that made me so much happier, so much more content, then I ever thought I could be.  As I look back on all of it, I know that Millie was a true friend to me, Vash was my true love, and my family was always around me, always hoping for the best.  I love them for that, and for helping me realize how important that they were to me, in return.

And without them, I don't know what I would have done.  On the run, pregnant, and nearly bursting from it, and of course, I was about to get one of those surprises that always comes around when you least expect them.  Vash seemed to attract those, or maybe that was just what love and family were all about.

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"And then," Vash's eyes were bright and happy as he led me from room to room of the tiny house we had decided to stay in until after my pregnancy had ended and we felt the baby was capable of any sort of travel.  He had left me in an inn nearly three days straight looking for something appropriate, and when we had finally reached the small, cozy three-room home, I had been bursting with questions.  How had he been able to afford it?  Had he made some sort of deal to procure it?  How long could we stay there?  It seemed perfect to me, even under the peeling paint and creaking floorboards.  I suppose that when you're in love, everything is more beautiful.  "I thought that we could send for your parents and your brothers to visit if they wanted.  I mean, we should be safe here for a while, don't you think?"  He was so excited, so happy, and I couldn't blame him.  This was something that meant a lot to him.  Being able to take care of me, keep me warm and provided for; those things were on his mind all the time.

"Vash…it's really great." I told him, beaming back up at him.  "Can I lie down?" I didn't mean to spoil the mood or anything, but I was having a harder time than ever moving around, which must have prompted Vash into his current plan of action.  I had to admit, it was very nice being taken care of.  I didn't really care how he'd afforded it.

"Oh!  Sorry." Vash looked apologetic, hurrying me over to the squeaky mattress that didn't have anything on it other than a big blanket that I was pretty sure Vash had provided as well.  "Is that better?  If you're hungry, I can make you something.  We have food." He looked very pleased to inform me that our house wasn't just an empty shell, it had been thoroughly moved into, and it could be of great use to us, as we were now a family.

"That sounds great." I grunted slightly at a sharp pain in my stomach.  I got a lot of pains like that recently, and I generally just ignored them, as they caused Vash a lot of unnecessary worry.

"Okay!" he ran out of the room, and I could hear him humming happily as he banged around the kitchen, whipping up dinner as quickly as he used to back at our apartment.  A home.  A real home, with all the problems and joys that came with owning an entire building.  I remembered from my youth that my parents had constantly been under stress from the problems of taking care of our house, but I looked forward to doing the same with Vash.  It might look a bit dingy, but as far as I was concerned, it was a private utopia on the outskirts of a tiny town in the middle of nowhere.  Bounty hunters didn't go to little towns in the middle of nowhere.

"Vash…how long do you think we can stay here?" I asked him from the bed.

"Well, it shouldn't be a problem for as long as I can see.  I made a deal with this local rancher, and he set me up here.  We owe him some money, but it won't take long to pay it off." Vash called out from the kitchen.  "I know it's pretty small, but I don't think it will be a problem for some time."

"Oh…no, I love it, Vash." I clarified.  "I've just…never owned a house before."

"Let's not worry about it." He poked his head through the doorway, and I could tell from the ecstatic grin on his face, he was not worried about anything at that moment.  "Just let me take care of you.  We can send a letter to Millie tomorrow."

"Yeah." I grimaced.  There was another one of those annoying pains.  I felt sort of like I had to go to the bathroom, which happened a lot those days.  Some strange pregnancy issue, apparently.  Vash hadn't seen the face I made, as he was back to his cooking, and I decided that it wouldn't be overly problematic for me to shuffle three feet to the bathroom without assistance.  Getting up, I braced my self against the wall, but as I moved, I made quite a bit of noise on the creaking floorboards.  Before I'd gotten three steps, Vash had caught me getting out of bed, and was rushing over to assist me.  This made me feel extremely foolish.  "I think I can go to the bathroom without help."

"I'm just trying to keep you from straining yourself." Vash kissed my temple, and at the same moment, I had a very strange feeling that something large and wet had just…fallen out of me.  I looked down and saw with no small amount of surprise that my water had just broken.

"Vash." I think I did a really good job of remaining calm at that point.  "Vash, you need to go get the doctor, sweetie."

"What?" he looked confused and worried, as he obviously didn't understand why I had suddenly stopped walking.  "Meryl?"

"Vash, go get the doctor." I repeated, feeling strangely peaceful.  I had expected to become over excited and worried when the time came, but I suppose that I knew it was utterly unavoidable now.  "I'm having your baby, so you need to go."

"You're…what?" the last word came out as a shrill sort of shriek, and I might have laughed at how girly Vash sounded right then, but I was really more concerned with what needed to be happening at that moment.  "Oh!  I'm going!  Are you going to be okay!  I'll be right back!  Five minutes tops!" he was running around the room, helping me back into bed, pulling the curtains open, closing them again, and generally acting like a chicken with it's head cut off.

"Vash, go." I told him calmly.  And after nodding frantically, he did.  I lied back and sighed.  It was good to be home for this, at least.

As I lie on the bed, concentrating on staying calm and breathing normally, my thoughts went out to my brothers and parents, and to Millie.  I dearly wished that they could have been with me for this occasion, but I suppose that I knew it would be just Vash and I from the moment he ran home from work that day, panting and looking frightened.  He hadn't been frightened for himself, I knew that well even as labor set in and most rational thought was driven from my mind.  Always, he was frightened for me.  He cared for me above all else, and would do anything to keep me safe and happy.  That was why he took such pride in the rickety little home he had found us, and that was why he was in more of a panic than I had ever seen him in when he returned, practically dragging the bedraggled looking town doctor after him.  The pains were closer together now, and more acute, but I still managed a short smile for my fiancé.

"Good thing…we're not too far from town, right?" I bit my lip at the onset of another series of sharp pains.  It felt as if I were being pulled apart from the inside, and it was not at all pleasant.  Mother had told me much of what childbirth would be like to prepare me, but nothing can really prepare you for a pain like that.

"Miss Stryfe?" the doctor straightened himself and came over next to me, setting down a bag on the end table that was nearby.  It looked more like four boards haphazardly nailed together, but it worked.  "How are you feeling?"

"Like…I really want this to be done." I laughed weakly at my own joke, and watched with some concern as Vash ran around the room, still panicking.  He had gone from the kitchen to the bedroom to the bathroom three times already, and it was obvious he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing.  "Vash…stop that." I told him.  He froze, eyes wide and confused as he looked at me, wringing his hands with a look on his face that said to me clearly "now what do I do?"

"Could you bring me some towels mister…um…" the doctor looked confused.  "I'm sorry, what was your last name?"

"He's just Vash." I panted slightly.  This whole childbirth thing was really not comfortable.  Go figure.  "Strange parents…see."  It was a weak excuse, but the doctor shrugged.  Apparently, he didn't care all that much what Vash's name was.

"Well, could you bring me some towels, then?" the doctor seemed a lot more calm than Vash, and I was willing to bet he was even calmer than I was about this whole thing.  I suppose that made sense, as he was a doctor.  Vash ran off to bring the two bath towels we owned, and the doctor smiled at me kindly.

"What's…your name?" I asked, realizing he hadn't told me before then.  He was preparing instruments, none of which looked very frightening, but a few of them did make me a little nervous.  Why would he need those scissors?

"My name is Gallagher, but around here everyone just calls me Doc." He told me.  He wasn't a very old man, and I wondered how long he had been doctor to this small town.

"Did you…grow up here?" I asked.  That would make sense, after all.  I didn't think many people would purposefully live in the middle of nowhere unless they were running from something.  Like Vash and I were.

"I was born here, but I went to school in a bigger city to study medicine.  I always promised I'd come back here, though.  I know it's not the most exciting town, but it is my home, and I love helping the people here." He told me.  "Now then, Miss Stryfe, I'm going to measure your dilation so I have some idea of how close we are.  I want you to just relax, all right?  You're doing great so far."

"Uh huh."  I became suddenly aware once more of the way that my body was trying to rip itself apart, which was likely the most unbearable thing I'd ever felt.  That was when I became worried, as I realized that my mother had said the pain didn't really start until the baby was coming out.  If I hurt this badly now, how could I bear the actual main process?  It seemed impossible.  Just then, Vash came back, looking worried and frightened still, the towels clutched in his shaking hands.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, handing the towels over to the doctor.  "Is she okay?" He hadn't waited for a response before apparently deciding that I was in no state to answer the question accurately.

"She's just fine, and she's coming along nicely." Doc looked up from where he had positioned himself between my legs.  I was so concerned with the pain and my rising fear that I hadn't noticed him moving around down there.  The idea of someone sticking strange instruments in that area might have upset me, but I was far too preoccupied with the pains that kept wracking my body to really care what Doc was doing.  "It's a good thing you came and got me right away, though.  This baby doesn't seem to want to waste much time."

"What's that mean?" Vash was obviously torn between coming to stand next to me or checking to see what exactly Doc was doing.

"It means that this baby should be ready very soon.  Do you have any large tubs or pans you can fill with hot water for me?" Doc asked Vash, and he looked around as though a tub would pop out of the walls.

"Um…I have a bowl." Vash indicated with his arms how large it was, and Doc nodded.

"That'd be perfect.  Why don't you go get that?" Even through the pain, I was impressed with how calm and collected Doc stayed.

"Doc…how many times…have you…" I was having a hard time talking, as I was feeling less than alright, and I thought that maybe I was overheating.  He should have asked Vash for cold water.

"Delivered?  Well, I practiced a bit before I came out here, and then I am the only doctor for quite a few miles, so I'd say that I've delivered somewhere around thirty, forty babies.  A lot of them were assists, but I'm pretty used to it, so don't worry, Miss Stryfe." He assured me.

"You…can call me…Meryl." I told him, biting down on my lip again.  He'd said the baby was coming soon, but I was starting to think it was only going to torture me for hours on end.

"Alright, Meryl." He beamed at me, obviously pleased at my friendliness.  Vash returned, giving the bowl of water over to Doc, who directed him where to set it and then went back to whatever it was he was doing to me.  I didn't really feel much, especially since all I seemed able to concentrate on was the pain.  "Vash, why don't you go stand with Meryl so she can hold your hand.  She's probably hurting right now."

Probably?  I don't think it was a question of whether I was hurting or not, but maybe the doctor was just trying to keep Vash relatively calm.  Anyway, it worked, and I clutched onto Vash's hand tightly, not really caring if I was hurting him or not.  After all, wasn't it his fault that I was going through all of this?  He might as well feel some of it too, I figured.  Things stayed calm for some time after that, with the doctor letting us get used to the idea of what was about to happen.  Vash was speechless, and he was deathly pale.  I wondered vaguely if he might faint.  I hoped he'd hit his head if he did go down.  And that's when I felt a series of pains so intense that I had to cry out, tears coming to my eyes as I squeezed Vash's hand tightly.  What was going on down there?

"Meryl, it looks like you're ready to start pushing, okay?" Doc seemed so calm, and I kind of wanted to smack him.  Push?  Was he kidding?  Did he even know how much pain I was in?  "Ready?"  I nodded frantically and squeezed my eyes shut.  Maybe if I didn't see that calm look on his face, I wouldn't want to hurt him so much.  "Push."

I really felt it then.  A pain like nothing I'd ever felt before.  I had thought the labor was bad, but this…it was indescribable.  It briefly crossed my mind that I was too small to be having babies, and maybe it would be too much for my body.  Maybe I'd die.  But the doctor…he seemed so calm.  That made me feel less scared, but it didn't help the pain.

"Good, now do it again." Doc ordered me.  I wanted to tell him no, that I couldn't do it again, that the stupid baby could just stay inside of me for all I cared, but I pushed instead.  It hurt so much that I let out a strangled sort of grunting cry, my hand tightening on Vash's so much that I heard something pop.  I hoped I had hurt him, at least a little.

This went on for quite some time.  The doctor telling me to push, me complying even though it felt as though I was going to die if I did it again, Vash whimpering as I squeezed his hand, and the cycle repeating once more.  I started to feel despair inside of me.  Was the baby ever going to finish coming out, or was it all just some cruel game?  I couldn't decide whom I hated more, the baby, the doctor, or Vash.  And then, just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, when I was convinced that my slim hips were just too narrow, and no baby would ever make it's way out of me, I heard something that almost made me cry in relief.  A baby, squalling loudly and demanding the attention of everyone in the room.  My head fell back and I realized then that I had been crying already, tears and sweat streaking my cheeks as the doctor held up the baby.  I started laughing then, laughing so hard that more tears made their way down my wet face.  Vash's jaw was slack, his eyes twinkling, even though I was still clutching his hand tightly.  I still hurt so bad that I felt I might die, but it was over at last.

"Wait a moment…we're not done." I really really wanted to kick Doc in the head right then, but I don't think I could have summoned the strength.  Plus, I really didn't want him to drop the baby.  "Vash, come here and hold her."  It occurred to me that the baby was a girl, but before I could really concentrate on that, Doc told me to do something that made me want to cry again.  "Okay, Meryl, it should be easier now.  Give me a nice, big push."

Who did he think he was kidding?  Easier?  If it got any harder, I was pretty sure I would pass out.  Why would he ask me to push, anyway?  Vash was holding the baby, so that was all taken care of.  Was he trying to torture me?  Still, I did as he said, screaming at the pain and then biting on my lip until I tasted blood.  This really was never going to end.  I was going to die on this bed.  I pushed three more times on his command, and then something remarkable happened.  I heard a second voice, a baby crying out as Doc lifted it and moved to clean it.  It took quite some time for my mind to process this, but by the time Doc had cut the cords and bundled up both babies, it hit me.  Twins.  No wonder I had been so big.  It was twins the whole time.  I hadn't expected that.

"There's two, Meryl!" Vash was ecstatic, still holding the little girl as he came back to me.  Doc was wetting down a cloth, which he used to wipe my face.  It felt very good to be a bit cleaner, but I really just wanted to see my babies.  "Can you believe it?"  All I could do was smile as he lowered the girl for me to see.  Rem.  That was right, we were going to name the baby Rem if it was a girl.

"And here's your son." The doctor helped me sit up a bit so that I could take the other baby from him.  I felt like my face would split apart from smiling too much.  I realized that I was laughing weakly, too tired for a full-fledged burst of noise, but laughing all the same.

"Two." That was all I said as I looked down into my son's face.  His eyes were closed, and the small bit of hair he had was dark from the water that clung to it after being cleaned.

"Only the second time I've delivered twins, to tell you the truth.  You both did wonderfully." Doc sounded as though we had been performing or something, but it still made me smile.

"Thanks." I told him.  I seemed to be having problems getting out more than one word at a time.

"Really, thank you so much." Vash looked like he was about to cry, but I couldn't blame him.  I was happy enough to start crying again myself.

"No problem, folks.  We can talk about money later, but right now, why don't you just enjoy yourselves.  I'll see you around." And with a warm smile, Doc left us.

"Two babies, Meryl." Vash repeated.  "There's two of them."

"I know." I could tell I was crying again, but I didn't care.  "Rem and Nicholas.  Our babies."

*****

The End (Of Part 13, That Is)