The Diary of. Mr. Rodney Skinner, Gentleman Thief
1st Day:
Nemo swatted at me today. I think he thought I was a fly. Bullocks! I get no respect in this comp'ny, none at all. Have filled his turbans with molasses in revenge.
M called us in today. Mina looked smashing. Old grump asked if I was a party trick. What'd I tell you? No respect. Left to find Dorian Gray, a fop who's baching it at a run-down mansion. What Mina sees in him I'll never know. Sure she can see right through me but I have more to offer than some pretty boy with nice hair and invulnerable skin. Besides, he has this monstrous hair right between his eyebrows that I swear has a mind of its own. It's talking to me, it says "Wha-PAH! Wha-PAH!"
How can Mina miss that thing? More to the point, when will Gray notice the bloody thing and when will he pluck it?
2nd Day:
Gray scratched me. Cor, I knew he was a git the moment I met him. Followed him to Mina's room in hopes of seeing some action and was not disappointed. Barely managed to restrain snickers when he honked up that bullet, but did not risk discovery as Mina was laughing so loudly that she drowned out any other sound. Unfortunate finding: Mina sounds like a dying cat being dragged under a carriage when she laughs.
Snuck into Podunk American's room later that night. Just mumbled something in his sleep that sounded like "Auntie, I'll whitewash the fence later" and started snoring. Has several moles on his left shoulder blade that look just like Queen Victoria's face.
This is the most pathetic lot imaginable, it is.
3rd Day:
Nemo and Jekyll are so UP EACH OTHER. They spent all day staring into one another's eyes and sighing. Mina is stalking around with a rosy, post- coital glow. Gray grinning like a fool, can barely restrain self from tossing him overboard. Everyone is getting laid on this ship but me. And elderly coot, who spends most of every day cuddling his gun and calling it Matilda. He may be in even more desperate need of a shag than me, if such a thing is possible.
Lack of sex drove me into a state of temporary insanity and I stumbled into old fart's room in hopes of scoring some nooky. Alas, even he tossed me out. Bugger! Not like he's any great prize. Consoled myself by retreating to American ponce's room and watching his amusing lip-synch to a record of "Josephine and her Flying Machine."
4th Day:
Always knew Gray was traitor! Have managed to strand myself onboard mini-submarine thing with him and M (who is also traitor), so I am tip- toeing. Gray isn't helping matters much, he immediately stripped down to his tighty-whities and started prancing around, asking M if he was getting fat. Almost said that he was developing love handles but controlled myself.
Is getting v. warm in here. Naked Gray v. distracting. Am breathing heavily. Must think of something not at all sexy. Mina in an abattoir? Sawyer's moles? Quartermain and Matilda locked in a passionate embrace? Not working!
5th Day:
Gave Mina a right good smack on the bottom! Go me! Felt v. heroic, led League directly to M's evil hideout. Thought about leaving American chap to his doom but the eedjit's grown on me (like a fungus) so saved him anyway. Am now extra-crispy. Don't feel so positive all of a sudden.
6th Day:
African sun killing me. Now that Gray bit the big one, Mina has been shooting amorous looks at Sawyer. Have resolved to save her from fate worse than death, as soon as burns heal will give her a right good shag. First must stop unsexy oozing and crackling.
Ouch, oww, yipe, ouch, eep, ouch..
1st Day:
Nemo swatted at me today. I think he thought I was a fly. Bullocks! I get no respect in this comp'ny, none at all. Have filled his turbans with molasses in revenge.
M called us in today. Mina looked smashing. Old grump asked if I was a party trick. What'd I tell you? No respect. Left to find Dorian Gray, a fop who's baching it at a run-down mansion. What Mina sees in him I'll never know. Sure she can see right through me but I have more to offer than some pretty boy with nice hair and invulnerable skin. Besides, he has this monstrous hair right between his eyebrows that I swear has a mind of its own. It's talking to me, it says "Wha-PAH! Wha-PAH!"
How can Mina miss that thing? More to the point, when will Gray notice the bloody thing and when will he pluck it?
2nd Day:
Gray scratched me. Cor, I knew he was a git the moment I met him. Followed him to Mina's room in hopes of seeing some action and was not disappointed. Barely managed to restrain snickers when he honked up that bullet, but did not risk discovery as Mina was laughing so loudly that she drowned out any other sound. Unfortunate finding: Mina sounds like a dying cat being dragged under a carriage when she laughs.
Snuck into Podunk American's room later that night. Just mumbled something in his sleep that sounded like "Auntie, I'll whitewash the fence later" and started snoring. Has several moles on his left shoulder blade that look just like Queen Victoria's face.
This is the most pathetic lot imaginable, it is.
3rd Day:
Nemo and Jekyll are so UP EACH OTHER. They spent all day staring into one another's eyes and sighing. Mina is stalking around with a rosy, post- coital glow. Gray grinning like a fool, can barely restrain self from tossing him overboard. Everyone is getting laid on this ship but me. And elderly coot, who spends most of every day cuddling his gun and calling it Matilda. He may be in even more desperate need of a shag than me, if such a thing is possible.
Lack of sex drove me into a state of temporary insanity and I stumbled into old fart's room in hopes of scoring some nooky. Alas, even he tossed me out. Bugger! Not like he's any great prize. Consoled myself by retreating to American ponce's room and watching his amusing lip-synch to a record of "Josephine and her Flying Machine."
4th Day:
Always knew Gray was traitor! Have managed to strand myself onboard mini-submarine thing with him and M (who is also traitor), so I am tip- toeing. Gray isn't helping matters much, he immediately stripped down to his tighty-whities and started prancing around, asking M if he was getting fat. Almost said that he was developing love handles but controlled myself.
Is getting v. warm in here. Naked Gray v. distracting. Am breathing heavily. Must think of something not at all sexy. Mina in an abattoir? Sawyer's moles? Quartermain and Matilda locked in a passionate embrace? Not working!
5th Day:
Gave Mina a right good smack on the bottom! Go me! Felt v. heroic, led League directly to M's evil hideout. Thought about leaving American chap to his doom but the eedjit's grown on me (like a fungus) so saved him anyway. Am now extra-crispy. Don't feel so positive all of a sudden.
6th Day:
African sun killing me. Now that Gray bit the big one, Mina has been shooting amorous looks at Sawyer. Have resolved to save her from fate worse than death, as soon as burns heal will give her a right good shag. First must stop unsexy oozing and crackling.
Ouch, oww, yipe, ouch, eep, ouch..
