THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HARRY POTTER
Day 1
Am dreading the train ride back to Hogwarts this year. Have been receiving some very strange mail of late, mostly from schoolmates wanting to dress me up in various frocks and pinafores upon my return. Am hating the fact that I am the main character in this story, and thus most suited for slash.
On a better note, accidentally made Aunt Marge even fatter than usual, which until now I never thought possible. Am contemplating making Dudley so fat we can sell him to Ripley's Believe It or Not, but must put that thought away for now, as am currently on hold for the Amnesty International Children's hotline. Living in a cupboard for twelve years my ASS.
Have also got paperwork to apply for government custody away from hideous family. Am starting to really loathe Dudley's daily "rehearsals" in the living room for American Idol.
Day 3
Am on the train ride back to school, and have almost completed my application forms for child protection from muggle government, and hopefully will be delivered from the circus of evil that is my present home. Threatened Uncle Vernon (or as I like to refer to him, the Bearded Lady) with a lawsuit, as am fairly sure locking children in rooms with bars on the windows is not particularly kosher. His only response was to gain weight and grow another mustache. Not surprised.
Met a rather strange fellow on the train named Lupin. Seems he's going to be our new DA professor. Lucky Snape, he gets snaked again on the job! Lupin guy seems all right, but is obviously starving to death. Bet Dumbledore picked him up cheap for the position by promising him a bucket of chicken wings.
Day 8
Haven't been able to write in a while because of new classes.
Castle now surrounded by dementors, which are like ugly corpses in tasteless grey robes. Apparently there have been budget cuts in the ministry, because some of the dementors I saw on the train are actually wearing hooded bathrobes with the embroidered "Holiday Inn" on the front crossed out and "Dementor" written in laundry marker over it. I wouldn't think much of it, except that their bathrobes are 100% downy-soft flannel. If there's one thing I fear more than death itself, it's flannel. A flannel shirt tried to kill me in my sleep once. Totally passed out on the train due to flannel fear and woke up in the arms of Professor Lupin. He was very helpful and gave me a big block of chocolate, as that's a good way to get rid of the lingering effects of flannel. Also said that another good way is to engage in a solid hour of intensive cuddling with a lonely older man. Yeah. Nice try.
Had first class with Trelawney today, who not only predicted my instant and gruesome death eight times in the next week, but also predicted that my trousers would come off at any minute, then sat down and stared patiently at me for the rest of the class. I forgot how much I loathed teachers until now.
Incidentally, I don't call it much of a prediction if you have to get most of the class to forcibly try and make it come true. I was beating people off with teacups for fifty minutes.
Day 24
Had a GREAT class with the starving guy. . .our first practical Dark Arts class! Battled a boggart in a closet who, with Neville's help, turned into Snape wearing Neville's granny's clothes. It was funny at first, but then got old after boggart-Snape kept nagging Neville to eat his vegetables and licking his hand and smoothing Neville's hair down to one side. Very glad I don't have grandparents of my own. Other people's spit just doesn't suit my complexion.
Was at dinner today and found it a little distracting that Snape and Lupin kept slapping each other upside the head every five minutes, then huffily storming out of opposite doors. Am beginning to think my parents wasted their time saving up so much money to send me to school here. Probably could have gotten just as good a degree through Sally Struthers.
Day 29
Halloween! That alone made me suspicious. Got extra credit in Trelawney's class today for predicting something horrible and traumatic would happen. Honestly, you don't need to possess the Inner Eye to know shit's gonna happen on Halloween. Just read the first two books.
As predicted, a convict named Sirius Black tried to fight his way into the Gryffindor common room. The Fat Lady was horribly frightened and could only tell us that Black tried to use a password that hadn't been used for about eighteen years, and he kept raving about how "the old gang" would get together for "one last fling," whether they "liked it or not." Poor bloke must be having flashbacks to being a student. Don't know why he'd want to have flashbacks to that. . . I spend most of my time trying to forget I even go to this nuthouse.
Day 37
Bugger quidditch. Bugger everything. That total git Marcus Flint changed teams on us and we had to play against the fatty Hufflepuffs, the House sponsored completely by Betty Crocker. Almost had the damn Snitch but then these dementors crawled out of god-knows-where and started doing a victory dance on the pitch. The mere sight of flannel overwhelmed me and I crashed into the ground and lost the game. Cedric Diggory tried to say that he won unfairly, but I think we all know he's just desperate to ingratiate himself before he kicks the bucket.
Worse luck, broom is in pieces. That damn tree has it in for me and everything I own. Would probably burn it down, except for the fact that Snape's clubhouse is built up in its branches and he'd kill me if I wrecked it. Like it really matters if one of his dozens of Justin Timberlake posters gets ruined.
Day 40
Got a present from Fred and George, called the Marauders' Map. Was instantly filled with an uneasy dread. . .the kind that comes with knowing something trivial and minor will be overblown into a massive cult following online. Map is pretty funny, though. . . keeps asking me to pull its finger.
Day 52
Christmas! Got a ton of presents, mostly the usual stuff. . .sweater from Mrs. Weasley, wizard trading cards from Ron, criticism from Hermione, chocolate syrup from Snape. ALSO got a BRAND-NEW FIREBOLT! They're the top of the line best racing brooms money can buy. . . dunno where the hell it came from, but who cares? Cannot WAIT to see the look on Draco's face when he sees this. Will be a nice change from every other look on his face, which are all either undisguised lust or boredom.
Day 54
Am learning the Patronus Charm from Professor Hungry right now. Dead useful spell, fights off flannel, and probably dementors to boot. No flannel shall touch me once I have mastered this charm. Will probably be awhile before that happens, though, as lessons continue to be very slow going. It's hard to learn a practical spell that requires to you to sit on the instructor's lap every five minutes.
Day 57
Scabbers has gone AWOL and I don't blame him. Probably been driven nutters by Ron and Hermione's innuendo-laced bickering. Or by the fact that Ron's been taken up with a new hobby that involves fireworks.
Day 60
Sirius Black entered the gryffindor dorms tonight! Was awoken at midnight by strange sounds from within the corner. Peered out of the curtains round the bed to find Black hunched over a bed, smelling the bed sheets and moaning about the full moon. Shrieked bloody hell, because that last thing I need is one more pervert in this house.
Black escaped, but took a load of underwear with him. Luckily for me, I now buy in bulk from an offshore supplier every week. Lord knows I need it.
Day 63
Got in trouble for throwing mud at Draco's helmet head and was hauled into Snape's office, which for some reason was full of pairs of underwear. He tried to confiscate the map, which was at the time preoccupied with telling the joke about the guy who goes to work on a farm and finds out about the barrel with the hole in the side. The map started ripping into Snape, but not much of it made any sense to me, as it all ran along the lines of, "Well, I didn't hear you complaining that night eighteen years ago!"
Starving man came in, broke up the argument, copped a feel on me for the tenth time today, ate half of whatever was in Snape's Chobits lunchbox and confiscated the map. Drat that man.
Day 86
TOTALLY won the Quidditch Cup, go me! Would've won a lot faster if Slytherin seeker hadn't been grabbing onto the back of my broom to get a look up my robes.
Wood totally ecstatic about winning the Cup. . .always been his dream. He broke down crying right on the field the minute I caught the snitch. Gave the poor bloke a hug---he deserves this victory! Drew the line when he started going below the waist. Drew another line and sped back to dorms when all other teammates went below waist and actual clothing.
Day 90
Trelawney made a nutty prediction during finals. She was blathering on as usual about death and destruction, and suddenly went all rigid and told me that I could make big money at home, getting paid to surf the internet. She then asked if I wanted to see any tight teens riding barn animals for free. I told her I just wanted to get the hell out of school as fast as possible. She seemed to snap out of her trance and sent me along my way, but not before mentioning that she was a Nigerian banker and had twelve billion dollars she needed to put in my bank account for legal reasons. I swear this staff must have been handpicked by blind drunken talking snowblowers.
Day 91
What a weird day. Found out a whole bunch of backstory about my dad that frankly bored me to tears, and Ron had his leg snapped, plus the satisfaction of learning that he's been sleeping with a 37 year old man instead of a rat for the last seven years. Sirius Black escaped and for some reason Lupin seems upset about that. Don't care and don't WANT to care. Just want to go home, kick my shoes off, take it easy and press charges against my family in peace.
Day 1
Am dreading the train ride back to Hogwarts this year. Have been receiving some very strange mail of late, mostly from schoolmates wanting to dress me up in various frocks and pinafores upon my return. Am hating the fact that I am the main character in this story, and thus most suited for slash.
On a better note, accidentally made Aunt Marge even fatter than usual, which until now I never thought possible. Am contemplating making Dudley so fat we can sell him to Ripley's Believe It or Not, but must put that thought away for now, as am currently on hold for the Amnesty International Children's hotline. Living in a cupboard for twelve years my ASS.
Have also got paperwork to apply for government custody away from hideous family. Am starting to really loathe Dudley's daily "rehearsals" in the living room for American Idol.
Day 3
Am on the train ride back to school, and have almost completed my application forms for child protection from muggle government, and hopefully will be delivered from the circus of evil that is my present home. Threatened Uncle Vernon (or as I like to refer to him, the Bearded Lady) with a lawsuit, as am fairly sure locking children in rooms with bars on the windows is not particularly kosher. His only response was to gain weight and grow another mustache. Not surprised.
Met a rather strange fellow on the train named Lupin. Seems he's going to be our new DA professor. Lucky Snape, he gets snaked again on the job! Lupin guy seems all right, but is obviously starving to death. Bet Dumbledore picked him up cheap for the position by promising him a bucket of chicken wings.
Day 8
Haven't been able to write in a while because of new classes.
Castle now surrounded by dementors, which are like ugly corpses in tasteless grey robes. Apparently there have been budget cuts in the ministry, because some of the dementors I saw on the train are actually wearing hooded bathrobes with the embroidered "Holiday Inn" on the front crossed out and "Dementor" written in laundry marker over it. I wouldn't think much of it, except that their bathrobes are 100% downy-soft flannel. If there's one thing I fear more than death itself, it's flannel. A flannel shirt tried to kill me in my sleep once. Totally passed out on the train due to flannel fear and woke up in the arms of Professor Lupin. He was very helpful and gave me a big block of chocolate, as that's a good way to get rid of the lingering effects of flannel. Also said that another good way is to engage in a solid hour of intensive cuddling with a lonely older man. Yeah. Nice try.
Had first class with Trelawney today, who not only predicted my instant and gruesome death eight times in the next week, but also predicted that my trousers would come off at any minute, then sat down and stared patiently at me for the rest of the class. I forgot how much I loathed teachers until now.
Incidentally, I don't call it much of a prediction if you have to get most of the class to forcibly try and make it come true. I was beating people off with teacups for fifty minutes.
Day 24
Had a GREAT class with the starving guy. . .our first practical Dark Arts class! Battled a boggart in a closet who, with Neville's help, turned into Snape wearing Neville's granny's clothes. It was funny at first, but then got old after boggart-Snape kept nagging Neville to eat his vegetables and licking his hand and smoothing Neville's hair down to one side. Very glad I don't have grandparents of my own. Other people's spit just doesn't suit my complexion.
Was at dinner today and found it a little distracting that Snape and Lupin kept slapping each other upside the head every five minutes, then huffily storming out of opposite doors. Am beginning to think my parents wasted their time saving up so much money to send me to school here. Probably could have gotten just as good a degree through Sally Struthers.
Day 29
Halloween! That alone made me suspicious. Got extra credit in Trelawney's class today for predicting something horrible and traumatic would happen. Honestly, you don't need to possess the Inner Eye to know shit's gonna happen on Halloween. Just read the first two books.
As predicted, a convict named Sirius Black tried to fight his way into the Gryffindor common room. The Fat Lady was horribly frightened and could only tell us that Black tried to use a password that hadn't been used for about eighteen years, and he kept raving about how "the old gang" would get together for "one last fling," whether they "liked it or not." Poor bloke must be having flashbacks to being a student. Don't know why he'd want to have flashbacks to that. . . I spend most of my time trying to forget I even go to this nuthouse.
Day 37
Bugger quidditch. Bugger everything. That total git Marcus Flint changed teams on us and we had to play against the fatty Hufflepuffs, the House sponsored completely by Betty Crocker. Almost had the damn Snitch but then these dementors crawled out of god-knows-where and started doing a victory dance on the pitch. The mere sight of flannel overwhelmed me and I crashed into the ground and lost the game. Cedric Diggory tried to say that he won unfairly, but I think we all know he's just desperate to ingratiate himself before he kicks the bucket.
Worse luck, broom is in pieces. That damn tree has it in for me and everything I own. Would probably burn it down, except for the fact that Snape's clubhouse is built up in its branches and he'd kill me if I wrecked it. Like it really matters if one of his dozens of Justin Timberlake posters gets ruined.
Day 40
Got a present from Fred and George, called the Marauders' Map. Was instantly filled with an uneasy dread. . .the kind that comes with knowing something trivial and minor will be overblown into a massive cult following online. Map is pretty funny, though. . . keeps asking me to pull its finger.
Day 52
Christmas! Got a ton of presents, mostly the usual stuff. . .sweater from Mrs. Weasley, wizard trading cards from Ron, criticism from Hermione, chocolate syrup from Snape. ALSO got a BRAND-NEW FIREBOLT! They're the top of the line best racing brooms money can buy. . . dunno where the hell it came from, but who cares? Cannot WAIT to see the look on Draco's face when he sees this. Will be a nice change from every other look on his face, which are all either undisguised lust or boredom.
Day 54
Am learning the Patronus Charm from Professor Hungry right now. Dead useful spell, fights off flannel, and probably dementors to boot. No flannel shall touch me once I have mastered this charm. Will probably be awhile before that happens, though, as lessons continue to be very slow going. It's hard to learn a practical spell that requires to you to sit on the instructor's lap every five minutes.
Day 57
Scabbers has gone AWOL and I don't blame him. Probably been driven nutters by Ron and Hermione's innuendo-laced bickering. Or by the fact that Ron's been taken up with a new hobby that involves fireworks.
Day 60
Sirius Black entered the gryffindor dorms tonight! Was awoken at midnight by strange sounds from within the corner. Peered out of the curtains round the bed to find Black hunched over a bed, smelling the bed sheets and moaning about the full moon. Shrieked bloody hell, because that last thing I need is one more pervert in this house.
Black escaped, but took a load of underwear with him. Luckily for me, I now buy in bulk from an offshore supplier every week. Lord knows I need it.
Day 63
Got in trouble for throwing mud at Draco's helmet head and was hauled into Snape's office, which for some reason was full of pairs of underwear. He tried to confiscate the map, which was at the time preoccupied with telling the joke about the guy who goes to work on a farm and finds out about the barrel with the hole in the side. The map started ripping into Snape, but not much of it made any sense to me, as it all ran along the lines of, "Well, I didn't hear you complaining that night eighteen years ago!"
Starving man came in, broke up the argument, copped a feel on me for the tenth time today, ate half of whatever was in Snape's Chobits lunchbox and confiscated the map. Drat that man.
Day 86
TOTALLY won the Quidditch Cup, go me! Would've won a lot faster if Slytherin seeker hadn't been grabbing onto the back of my broom to get a look up my robes.
Wood totally ecstatic about winning the Cup. . .always been his dream. He broke down crying right on the field the minute I caught the snitch. Gave the poor bloke a hug---he deserves this victory! Drew the line when he started going below the waist. Drew another line and sped back to dorms when all other teammates went below waist and actual clothing.
Day 90
Trelawney made a nutty prediction during finals. She was blathering on as usual about death and destruction, and suddenly went all rigid and told me that I could make big money at home, getting paid to surf the internet. She then asked if I wanted to see any tight teens riding barn animals for free. I told her I just wanted to get the hell out of school as fast as possible. She seemed to snap out of her trance and sent me along my way, but not before mentioning that she was a Nigerian banker and had twelve billion dollars she needed to put in my bank account for legal reasons. I swear this staff must have been handpicked by blind drunken talking snowblowers.
Day 91
What a weird day. Found out a whole bunch of backstory about my dad that frankly bored me to tears, and Ron had his leg snapped, plus the satisfaction of learning that he's been sleeping with a 37 year old man instead of a rat for the last seven years. Sirius Black escaped and for some reason Lupin seems upset about that. Don't care and don't WANT to care. Just want to go home, kick my shoes off, take it easy and press charges against my family in peace.
