THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SIRIUS BLACK
Day 1
Am stuck in Azkaban for something I didn't do. No running water and am restricted to only an hour a day in the TV room. Have to do communal showering with a load of Death Eaters as well, the ruddy soap-dropping pervies. Worse luck, am pretty sure I left the stove on before I was arrested.
Day 2,001
Lost another game of poker with Larry (the dementor who guards my cell). I swear those guys can read my mind at cards. Got a cake with a plastic nail file hidden in it from Snape and a note that says: "File your way to freedom. . .you've got all the time you need." I really hate that bastard. He's still burned I got to pick up where he left off with Lupin during our sixth year. Hey, here's a crazy idea. Maybe if he practiced something the professionals call "hygiene," they'd still be an item. Idiot.
Man, that last rant brings back great memories. And I don't mean of friendly fun-loving camaraderie. Eighteen years later and I'm still trying to figure out if half of what went on qualified as bestiality.
Day 2,007
Saw in the paper that Lupin's going to be teaching at Hogwarts! I thought that guy dropped dead of hunger years ago! That's it, I'm packing my rags and paying his fine ass a visit. There's only so much I can take of Larry's family photos, after all.
Day 2,009
Have escaped Azkaban, stopped at flat for my other tennis shoes. Just as suspected, left stove on. Whole place burned down years ago. Tennis shoes are AWOL. Now I have nothing good to wear.
Arrived at Hogwarts (after taking quick look-see on godson) and am ready to party. I can't believe that bitch had the nerve to let me rot in jail. I SUPPOSE he must be seeing someone new who's far more important than ME. What a two-timer. He'll be singing a different tune when he's handcuffed to a bedrail.
Day 2,067
Have NOT been able to catch up with Loops yet. Apparently the whole teacher thing isn't just a front to score himself a bucket of chicken wings. . . he's actually making the effort to teach classes. Saw him today outside on the grounds during a "practical" lesson. Practically illegal the way he keeps favoring James' kid. Figures he should dote on the son the way he did on the father. . .makes me kinda wish we were all back together again.
Note to self: sneak up to dormitories and see if everything is still set up the way it was when we lived there. If so, lure Loops up there for fun re- enactment.
Day 2,071
Had a run-in with this orange cat. Could be useful for gaining access to the dormitories. Was about to instruct cat to steal passwords for me (using pictures and simple meowing), when cat suddenly broke out some wall- climbing gear picks and began scaling tower wall with set of night-vision goggles as an aid. Cat rendezvoused with female partner cat in sexy impractical leather outfit halfway up the tower, then leapt forty feet to the ground and deployed jet packs moments before impact, flying over the castle and towards Prague. Not sure what to think of that. Spent the last three nights howling under Loops' bedroom window, but it just doesn't seem to get him going like it used to. I swear, if Dumbledore found a way to cure him of being a werewolf, I'll KILL him.
Day 2,090
Couldn't wait any more and tried to rip through the picture guard into the dormitory. . .just HAD to know if the bedsheets still smelled like Loops. Crazy old bat ran out of her painting shrieking bloody murder and I had to make a run for it. Would've tried it on some other day, but this is Halloween, after all. Don't want to break the tradition.
Day 2,100
Finally got passwords back from cat and busted into the dorm. Eighteen years of new students have not deterred from the smell of Moony's sheets (kinda hard, actually, as he was a werewolf). Some little brat started screaming bloody murder so I beat it, but not before hooking a round dozen pairs of underwear, just for fun. Left them in Snape's office in the hopes he'll get in trouble, or at the very least get mixed up, wear them and contract a disease.
Day 2,112
Caught Loops in an outer corridor, shoved up against wall and starting snogging like mad against a very upset full-length portrait of Sir Bilitus the Slightly Nutters. Shut up and be happy you're near the action, Bill. Forgot just how great he was, though don't remember his ribs ever sticking out quite so far into my side. Loops getting totally into it until interfering PRICK Sevi comes wandering by, drinking directly out of a bottle of chocolate syrup and looking forlorn. Suddenly Loops drops the proverbial glass slipper and makes tracks out a side door. What the hell is that all about?
Day 2,120
Found out second hand from skydiving orange cat that Loops and Sevi are shagging on the side! What a thing to break out of prison and come home to. As if life isn't difficult enough. Left a note on Loops' desk telling him to meet in Shrieking Shack, way from Redken-scented boytoy for some REAL action, not that silly playacting I had to endure with Sevi. There's a reason we dated for less than a week and it actually had nothing to do with his hygiene.
Day 2,140
At long last, was able to lure Loops to the Shrieking Shack for mad, mad shagging. He ran back to the castle for a pair of cuffs and suddenly that damn orange cat started ragging me out about Peter Pettigrew being alive and aboveground outside of Hagrid's hut. Uh, Cat? Hello? I'M BUSY! Went to go take a look, snagged some redheaded kid in case he wanted some action too, and wound up throwing a reunion party for everyone I HATE, and getting ABSOLUTELY NO ACTION. Am now once again on the run and totally pissed. Will send Loops the name of a good motel next time instead.
Day 1
Am stuck in Azkaban for something I didn't do. No running water and am restricted to only an hour a day in the TV room. Have to do communal showering with a load of Death Eaters as well, the ruddy soap-dropping pervies. Worse luck, am pretty sure I left the stove on before I was arrested.
Day 2,001
Lost another game of poker with Larry (the dementor who guards my cell). I swear those guys can read my mind at cards. Got a cake with a plastic nail file hidden in it from Snape and a note that says: "File your way to freedom. . .you've got all the time you need." I really hate that bastard. He's still burned I got to pick up where he left off with Lupin during our sixth year. Hey, here's a crazy idea. Maybe if he practiced something the professionals call "hygiene," they'd still be an item. Idiot.
Man, that last rant brings back great memories. And I don't mean of friendly fun-loving camaraderie. Eighteen years later and I'm still trying to figure out if half of what went on qualified as bestiality.
Day 2,007
Saw in the paper that Lupin's going to be teaching at Hogwarts! I thought that guy dropped dead of hunger years ago! That's it, I'm packing my rags and paying his fine ass a visit. There's only so much I can take of Larry's family photos, after all.
Day 2,009
Have escaped Azkaban, stopped at flat for my other tennis shoes. Just as suspected, left stove on. Whole place burned down years ago. Tennis shoes are AWOL. Now I have nothing good to wear.
Arrived at Hogwarts (after taking quick look-see on godson) and am ready to party. I can't believe that bitch had the nerve to let me rot in jail. I SUPPOSE he must be seeing someone new who's far more important than ME. What a two-timer. He'll be singing a different tune when he's handcuffed to a bedrail.
Day 2,067
Have NOT been able to catch up with Loops yet. Apparently the whole teacher thing isn't just a front to score himself a bucket of chicken wings. . . he's actually making the effort to teach classes. Saw him today outside on the grounds during a "practical" lesson. Practically illegal the way he keeps favoring James' kid. Figures he should dote on the son the way he did on the father. . .makes me kinda wish we were all back together again.
Note to self: sneak up to dormitories and see if everything is still set up the way it was when we lived there. If so, lure Loops up there for fun re- enactment.
Day 2,071
Had a run-in with this orange cat. Could be useful for gaining access to the dormitories. Was about to instruct cat to steal passwords for me (using pictures and simple meowing), when cat suddenly broke out some wall- climbing gear picks and began scaling tower wall with set of night-vision goggles as an aid. Cat rendezvoused with female partner cat in sexy impractical leather outfit halfway up the tower, then leapt forty feet to the ground and deployed jet packs moments before impact, flying over the castle and towards Prague. Not sure what to think of that. Spent the last three nights howling under Loops' bedroom window, but it just doesn't seem to get him going like it used to. I swear, if Dumbledore found a way to cure him of being a werewolf, I'll KILL him.
Day 2,090
Couldn't wait any more and tried to rip through the picture guard into the dormitory. . .just HAD to know if the bedsheets still smelled like Loops. Crazy old bat ran out of her painting shrieking bloody murder and I had to make a run for it. Would've tried it on some other day, but this is Halloween, after all. Don't want to break the tradition.
Day 2,100
Finally got passwords back from cat and busted into the dorm. Eighteen years of new students have not deterred from the smell of Moony's sheets (kinda hard, actually, as he was a werewolf). Some little brat started screaming bloody murder so I beat it, but not before hooking a round dozen pairs of underwear, just for fun. Left them in Snape's office in the hopes he'll get in trouble, or at the very least get mixed up, wear them and contract a disease.
Day 2,112
Caught Loops in an outer corridor, shoved up against wall and starting snogging like mad against a very upset full-length portrait of Sir Bilitus the Slightly Nutters. Shut up and be happy you're near the action, Bill. Forgot just how great he was, though don't remember his ribs ever sticking out quite so far into my side. Loops getting totally into it until interfering PRICK Sevi comes wandering by, drinking directly out of a bottle of chocolate syrup and looking forlorn. Suddenly Loops drops the proverbial glass slipper and makes tracks out a side door. What the hell is that all about?
Day 2,120
Found out second hand from skydiving orange cat that Loops and Sevi are shagging on the side! What a thing to break out of prison and come home to. As if life isn't difficult enough. Left a note on Loops' desk telling him to meet in Shrieking Shack, way from Redken-scented boytoy for some REAL action, not that silly playacting I had to endure with Sevi. There's a reason we dated for less than a week and it actually had nothing to do with his hygiene.
Day 2,140
At long last, was able to lure Loops to the Shrieking Shack for mad, mad shagging. He ran back to the castle for a pair of cuffs and suddenly that damn orange cat started ragging me out about Peter Pettigrew being alive and aboveground outside of Hagrid's hut. Uh, Cat? Hello? I'M BUSY! Went to go take a look, snagged some redheaded kid in case he wanted some action too, and wound up throwing a reunion party for everyone I HATE, and getting ABSOLUTELY NO ACTION. Am now once again on the run and totally pissed. Will send Loops the name of a good motel next time instead.
