THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SEVERUS SNAPE

Day 1

Do not know why MY diary wasn't first. It usually is. Perhaps Miss Noble's mad, infatuous lust for me is wearing off. Must remember to give her another thorough dosing of potion later, or she won't write any more stories about me, not to mention getting any sweet, sweet lovin'.

Still not Dark Arts professor.

Day 2

Decided to something interesting with hair before get to school. Hair refuses to cooperate. No volume at all, even with Redken's bloody money- back guarantee. Last time I use muggle products EVER. Had a spat with the girl at the salon who said I don't take proper care of my hair. . . as if THAT'S what's causing the problem, not her complete ineptitude with a pair of scissors! Flounced right out without paying tab.

Day 3

Back at school and resigned to the fact that hair is just not ever going to be as pretty as Trent Resner's, as well as fact that have once again missed out on the DA job. Hooray and surprise. I'm not sure what there's more of. . .crapped-out one-year DA professors, or pairs of fabulous PVC boots in my closet.

And who's the lucky winner this year? Smarmy hip-swaying sissy ex- boyfriend. Thought he starved to death years ago. Way to be, Dumbledip. Way to be. Will poison the lot of you next chance I get. Just as soon as I get Josephine's nappy basket cleaned out. (Note: if you don't get this joke, you're not wasting enough of your precious time on my other fanfictions. -Das Author)

Day 8

My freaking GOD. Why did it have to be him? Listen to him! Gushing at all the other professors like he's their BIGGEST FAN, the little suck up. "Oooh, it's SO wonderful to be back in GOOD OLD HOGWARTS!"

Batting his sissy brown eyes, using the same lines he used on ME. . . who does he think he is? Bet Dumbledore paid him his bucket of chicken wings in advance and that's why he's so gosh darn thrilled. Maybe he thinks shagging some of the other professors will get him some new shoes as well. Good luck on that one, Loops. I've already tried THAT door, and it didn't get me anything other than a free badger from MacGonagall, a disappointing encounter from Lockhart and an especially rare STD from Sinistra called HerpegohnnasyphilAIDs.

Lupin still DA professor.

Day 9

Snot-nosed Lucius' son back in my class and finer than ever. Think he grew a lot taller over the summer. His chocolate syrup allergy seems to have cleared up, from the way he keeps hanging around my office after hours. Think the little brat may be up to something.

Day 14

Just as suspected, the little Malfoyette wants money. Yeah right. Like I'm about to start paying for it. Told him to come back with some friends and I'd think about it. He came round later with Crabbe and Goyle. Kicked the lot of them out of my office. God.

Day 24

Put the smackdown on Reemy for slapping me at dinner. He got his revenge by turning a boggart into me. Somehow managed to include a tacky dress and some very tasteless accessories. Probably his cute way of insulting my wardrobe. Will say something very scathing and somehow unbearably sexy to him later.

Still no word on DA job.

Day 27

Could have SWORN the clerk at Hot Topic who sold me a new pair of boots looked familiar. Ah well.

Day 29

Halloween, which instantly made me wonder what was going to happen. My record with Halloween has never been fantastic, and I don't relish another encounter with anything that wants to bite my leg off.

Turns out that obnoxious PRAT Sirius really did escape Azkaban and tried to bust his way into the Gryffindor dormitories. Probably wanted to get to those dirty photos of "the gang" he'd stashed between two stones in the wall. Sorry Black, but those are now part of the private fine arts collection of Sevi Snape. The society thanks you for your generous contribution.

Spent the weekend in bed reading Gloomcookie comics.

Day 34

Reemy getting pretty smartmouthed with me now that he has three meals a day and actual shelter instead of that cardboard box he called a house. Told him I was currently stuck in a bitter letter-writing battle with Dumbledore for the Dark Arts position. Sassy bitch replied he knew lots of positions in the dark he could teach me. I swear to God, I'm surrounded by freaks.

And I'm still the bloody Potions Master. Why am I the master of potions but Flitwick's not the Charms Master? Or MacGonagall the Transfiguration Mistress? Why do I get labelled with the kicky S&M title?

Must be my astonishing good looks. As usual.

Day 36

Swallowed pride and slunk into Reemy's quarters after dinner. What do you want from me? I haven't had any in months.

Day 40

Malfoy kid expressed jealousy over latest interlude. That's whatcha get, bitch. That's whatcha get. Felt bad anyhow and spent the day in bed with covers pulled over head.

Day 45

Reemy being distant lately. . .this is school all over again. Heard a lot of howling at his window but wouldn't let him lift the shade. Just KNOW it's that major twit Sirius, barking around all hot and bothered in the front lawn. HA! Go pick someone up at the local kennel, Fido!

Day 60

Sirius attacked again and managed to get into the dormitories. Got scared off by a student and probably fled back into the woods. Serves him right. Reemy was worried he wouldn't last long out in the woods. He seems to be worrying an AWFUL lot about Black. Most faithful member of the Marauders my highly-toned ASS. He can't even stick with whomever he's sleeping with during the week.

Day 63

Found some asinine piece of parchment with the Marauders' names all over it. Could never understand why such background characters have such a big following. Just as in real life, all the little gits can do is talk dirty about everything. Wish everyone knew how much more mature I was than them. In retrospect, should have started own group. The Maligners. The Malarkers. Damn.

Stupid Reemy copped a feel on Potter kid for the billionth time today. How come he gets away with that, but I get put on probation?

Day 81

Was relaxing in office, failing everyone who submitted a final report, when I saw Reemy dash by with an eager look on his face. Followed and saw him rifle through his bedroom, before emerging with a pair of fur-covered handcuffs. Followed him down to the Shrieking Shack and found that total BITCH-STEALING. . .er. . . BITCH, Sirius Black! Smacked Reemy a good one, the two-timing whore. On top of that, had to listen to some junk about James Potter that bored me to all hell (almost fell asleep during the slide show) and am in a thoroughly bad mood.

Once again, saved the day and Potter trio from certain doom at the hands of flannel. Once again, was totally shafted for a medal. Once again, STILL NOT THE DARK ARTS PROFESSOR.

Where's the love, people? Where's the frickin love?