BABY, IT'S YOU
Chapter 4: A Man on His Own
David Granger was chewing on the end of a stick. Not any old garden-variety stick. The stick turned him orange. Hermione Granger extracted it from her son's mouth.
"Severus!" she shouted. "He's found your wand again. I wish you'd pick up after yourself."
Professor Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts, bad-tempered bastard of the year, and into his second family, dragged his attention out of a large dusty tome titled '101 Uses for Expelliamus'. He glanced at his five month old son.
"It won't kill him," he said. "Give him another chew, and he'll go back to normal."
Hermione's hands went to her hips, planted there. "That's not the point."
Snape sighed. "And what exactly is the point?"
"He found it wedged into a chair. You simply have to start putting things away." She gestured to the top bunk of their beds where his sheets hung over the side, then to a stack of opened books, and a cold cup of tea balanced on them.
David grabbed Snape's wand and sucked on it again. The wand was next to useless to anyone but Snape. David turned slowly pink, then polka-dotted, then back to his normal flesh colour. Hermione grabbed the wand off him and substituted a frozen plastic teething ring.
Snape sighed over his text. "These are my rooms, Hermione."
She snapped her arms across her body. One Snape-comment too many. "So that's the way it is, then? I see. Well, if that's the case, David and I will move out. We'd hate to ruin your dank little pigsty."
Snape stared at her in disbelief. "What the hell is the matter with you? Is it more of that post-natal stuff?" He thought again. "PMS? I have potions to fix both, you know."
"That's right, just give me a potion and hope I'll shut up."
"Believe me, I have potions for that, too."
"Right, that's it. We're going. I'm not going to stay here another minute."
The words hung in the air. It wasn't the first time Hermione had said them, but it was the first time Snape hadn't responded. They looked at each other. Then Hermione snorted, and began spelling her belongings out the door. She wasn't clear where she'd go. Certainly not back to her Gryffindor rooms. She was graduated now, and her rooms were filled by the new 7th years. Her parents had no room for her. A weekend with the Weasleys had proved a disaster, as Mr and Mrs Weasley were puzzled, horrified and delighted by turns, and gobsmacked by their own turn of events. Mrs Weasley was pregnant, and vowing never to take part in another Beltane ritual again. Malfoy Manor was virtually empty, but Hermione couldn't see herself fronting up there and asking for a room.
Snape felt a certain amount of relief when the door closed and he had his rooms to himself. But felt a greater amount of loss. His rooms were too quiet now. There was no baby gurgling, and no bright young woman pottering about. She was regaining her figure and more than her usual amount of mouthiness.
Snape tried to immerse himself in his book. They obviously weren't cut out to be a couple, any more than he and his first wife had been. Why did they insist upon all this fatherly interaction with the baby? His own father had never been home and he'd turned out all right. Except for the Death Eater thing. And the Spice Girls thing. And Dumbledore having to walk him on a leash for two years. But apart from that…. What was wrong with these women? It couldn't be him.
He wondered if he were meant to go after Hermione, call her back. Surely she wouldn't indulge in those difficult-to-umpire mind games?
"He didn't try to stop me!" Hermione wailed into Macgonagall's shoulder. "I thought he'd come after us, but he didn't."
Macgonagall patted her back and let her cry. She loved the young Gryffindor greatly, but it was mightily difficult to be confessor to both sides of the story.
"Severus has never been much of a family man, Hermione," she hedged.
"S-surely there's some spell…."
Macgonagall smiled. "Unfortunately, no. But- no, no, that's too cruel."
Hermione hung on the older witch's arm. "Please. If there's anything at all!"
"Let me send a few owls," was all Macgonagall would say.
Snape paced his rooms. It had been a full month since Hermione had moved into airy rooms halfway up the Astronomy Tower. He saw her nearly every day with David, strolling around the lake, or sitting near the Quidditch pitch on the grass. Hermione usually had her nose in a book and studiously pretended not to notice him. He hovered nearby, eating up images of both of them. David had developed into a solid baby, with spikes of black hair. He wanted to pick him up. He wanted to speak to Hermione. He wanted…. He wanted them back.
There was a knock at his door. Yes! They'd come back. He ripped open the door. Hermione stood there, David tucked close to her. She had a large baby bag over her shoulder. He stepped back from the doorway to let them in. They swept past him. She'd have nothing to complain about. He'd been picking up after himself, just in case she dropped by.
He blanched. A tall, rangy woman with coffee-coloured skin and big dark eyes walked past, trailed by two young adults. Snape blinked. It had been quite a while since he'd seen his first wife, Rayleen. His two children, Santo, and Caliope looked well. Santo seemed even taller than last time.
"Hi Dad," his eldest son said. Caliope merely smiled.
"Severus, your rooms are clean!" said Rayleen, raising an eyebrow.
Behind Caliope was Macgonagall. She hovered in the doorway, and pushed a young woman into the room.
"I've been meaning to tell you, Severus," Macgonagall said. "Beltane seventeen years ago. This is Evelyn."
Santo and Caliope traded glances.
"Not another one," Santo muttered. "Doesn't he know what a condom is?"
"Shhh, that's what Granddad Snape said."
Snape stared from Santo to Evelyn to David. He swallowed. Rayleen clapped him on the shoulder in a hearty fashion.
"Honestly Severus, you really should stop putting it about. You really are a fucking disgrace." She turned away towards the door. "Well, do enjoy yourself. We're off now."
"Is that really him?" Evelyn asked her mother. "He's….. that's really him? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Macgonagall said. "This is your big chance to get to know him, Evvie." She was already out the door.
"Kids, have a good time," Rayleen said.
"What is going on?" Snape all but shouted.
Hermione handed him their baby. She kissed David on the head.
"Be good for your father."
"We've done all the parenting up till now," Rayleen called. "About time you did your bit. We'll see you in two weeks."
They didn't stop for a discussion. Hermione gave David a longing look as she shut the door. David had rarely been separated from his mother. He started to bawl. Evelyn looked at him doubtfully. Caliope was up and taking David from him. Santo was checking out 'Most Potente Potions'.
Snape ran to the door and opened it. They were gone. Two weeks. Something shattered behind him.
"Sorry Dad," said Santo, trying to hide the crystal ball behind his back.
Caliope and Evelyn were looking in the bathroom, trying to find room for their toiletries. David was sick on his shoulder. White gloop trailed down his arm.
Snape groaned. Why did he have to pick strong-willed women with a fine sense of revenge? Two weeks? And the worst part was, he'd done absolutely nothing to deserve this. Nothing! Nothing….. maybe that was the problem. He'd done nothing all these years, not as far as his children were concerned. Not the hard work of creating people out of tiny blobs of flesh. He spared a thought for his brief liaisons with Sybil Trelawney, and Rosmerta. Surely they had no surprises up their sleeves for him. Although, Sybil did have a dark-haired nephew. If he were a nephew.
First thing in the morning, Snape was going to order in a supply of Bertie Bott's All-Weather Condoms.
Hermione barely stood her first week away. Minerva and Rayleen were wonderful company, but they'd had some years to attach and detach from their children. She was new to this. She missed David terribly. And she missed Severus, if truth be told. At least at Hogwarts, she could stroll around the grounds and run into him, or catch glimpses as she accidentally on purpose walked past his dungeon.
Rayleen's Queensland home was lovely, and the sunshine and heat soaked lingering birthing aches from her body, but she wanted her baby with her.
She lasted eight days. Minerva and and Rayleen were drinking white wine and idling speculating on Snape's woeful parenting skills, and the conversation turned to his bedroom antics.
"It was on the ground," Minerva said. "Beltane. The spring tides were running, and I couldn't find Albus in the dark. In the end, someone put their arms around me, and well, the rest is history. You know what it's like." She paused. "It was a less than rewarding experience. A ten minute interval in my life I'd sooner forget."
"Mmmph," said Rayleen, taking another sip of her wine. "I never celebrated a festival with him. He knocked me up the third time we did it, up in my bedroom in Gryffindor Tower. But then, we were doing it about five times a day." She grinned. "Ahh, youth!" Then she scowled. "I'll kill Caliope if she's doing what I did."
The two older women turned to Hermione. She squirmed under their gaze.
"I…er…can't remember," she said. "It was the 7th Year welcoming feast. I drank too much, and-"
"Haven't you done it since then?" Rayleen asked, surprise in her voice. "You were living with him, after all."
Hermione shook her head, a tiny embarrassed gesture. Rayleen and Minerva traded glances. Rayleen sighed.
"Say what you like about his parenting, when I knew him, he wasn't bad in the cot. I really think you'd better go see for yourself before you do the grand exit."
"Maybe he got worse as he got older?" Minerva muttered. Then she shrugged. "Maybe we just weren't suited to each other." She turned her steady gaze to Hermione. "On the whole, I think Rayleen is right. Go find out before you leave for good."
Hermione swallowed. If she went back now, she could at least see David, smell his baby smell again. If she went back right now, Apparating into Hogsmeade, she'd have David in her arms in half an hour, and….. Severus would be there. She stood.
"We'll send your bag on later," said Rayleen. "Good luck. Don't do anything I wouldn't do on a bicycle."
Hermione Apparated to Hogsmeade.
The door to Snape's rooms stood open, but he was not present. The rooms were extraordinarily clean. She walked in. That broke the Illusion Seal on the room. Sleeping bags yawned open on the floor. There was a bra and knickers set drying on Snape's Spellotaped crystal ball. The bathroom was cloaked in a heady mixture of aftershave, deoderant potions, powder, perfume, and hair care potions. Books were strewn everywhere, along with an odd assortment of baby toys, three books on Quidditch, and six issues of Witch Weekly. The bunk beds were unmade. Sitting on a perch was a shell-shocked owl. It stared glassily at her, twitching occasionally.
A new picture hung on the wall: Severus and his known off-spring. They were all glaring at each other and Santo was making bunny-ears sign behind his father's head. David had Snape's wand in his mouth again and was an attractive lilac.
Hermione had her back to the door, but heard the commotion approaching. Caliope and Evelyn were arguing about who got first turn in the bathroom. Santo let out a loud burp, followed by the words "And another champion noise to add to the collection!" Hermione's stomach turned over when she heard David squawk. She'd missed the sound of his nanny-goat bleatings.
Hermione turned. The family exploded into the room, followed by Snape with David over his shoulder.
"Hey, Dad, your Lolita's here," said Santo.
Then all three young adults stopped moving. Snape stepped away from David, who hung in mid-air, frozen in time and space. Snape put his wand away. He saw Hermione.
"How often do you do that spell?" Hermione asked, her arms folded.
"Not often enough." He threw up his hands. "I surrender. Is that what you harpies wanted? I've seen the error of my ways. Damned if I know how to change the past, but I'll do better in future. Is that what you wanted to hear. Where are Minerva, and my dear ex-wife? Do they not want their…our children back? I am a broken man. Isn't that enough?" He pulled out his wand again, and made to unfreeze his children. Hermione moved forward and stayed his arm.
"They can't see or hear anything while they're like that, can they?"
"No."
She pulled him towards the lower of the bunk beds. "Then leave them for now." She gave her son a once-over. He seemed fine as he floated in mid-air, temporarily suspended. His blank, black eyes stared past her.
She turned her focus on Snape. His arms hung at his sides. She considered him for some time.
"I have the baby," she said. "Now I want the memories to accompany that."
***** *****
Well, well, finally they get down to it. About time. When I figure out how to end this, I'll post again. Explosive sex scene? Wedding? And what of Sybil Trelawney? Or Lily Potter? Harry does have that dark hair after all….. Suggestions welcome.
