Wow. Life passes by at an amazing speed. It's gone before you even understand what the hell just happened. In fact, you spend your whole life trying to figure yourself out, and then POOF! It's gone, like everything else that was considered stable in your life.
I got a call from Holden this morning. He sounded happy in contrast to my miserable state. He told me how well things were going with him, how well the new comic has been lately, how sexy his girlfriend is, how good he feels… It's enough to take my mind away from my pain. Of course, I don't tell him that, I just think it to myself when he's talking.
I managed to drag my ass out of bed in the afternoon and walk to the post office. I mailed a letter to Alyssa. Yeah, I know, I could have emailed it, but this is much more personal. I wrote her a letter full of every emotion that I have. I told her how much I hated her for stealing away my best friend, and then how much I loved her for making him happy. I told her of the remorse I felt for destroying their relationship. I told her how much I just wanted to say, 'I'm sorry'.
I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for hurting Hooper. I'm sorry for wrecking Alyssa and Holden. I'm sorry for fucking up the Championship game in the 1987-1988 Bowling season. I'm sorry for pantsing Walt Flanagan in gym class junior year. I'm sorry for dumping Julie Dwyer in the 9th grade. I'm sorry for publicly proclaiming my love for DeGrassi in 6th grade. I'm sorry for hitting Jay in the head with that dodge ball in 3rd grade. I'm sorry for accidentally puking into the confession window and onto Father McNulty in 1st Grade. I'm sorry for calling Father McNulty "Father McNUTley."
Most of all, I'm sorry that I wasn't what my parents wanted me to be. They begged me and begged me not to draw comic books. They tried to get me to go to college for communications. They tried to get me to go to college for culinary arts. They even tried (as a last ditch effort) to get me to become a Priest. Granted, the latter idea was out of the question after the "McNutley incidents".
Sure, they were proud of me. Especially after the success of 'Bluntman and Chronic' in the comics and the flicks. They always loved me, and I'm grateful for that, but I could still see the disappointment in their eyes. That's something that no amount of money can erase.
Halfway home from the post office, I collapsed onto the cement. I completely blacked out, but luckily I didn't hit my head. I came to with Jay and Silent Bob standing above me. Jay looked puzzled as usual, but Silent Bob looked worried. He offered me a hand, which I did gratefully take. He helped me back to my apartment, making sure that Jay was still tagging along. Once we got to my flat, I offered him a few bucks, but he refused. He gave me a look as if to say, "Hey, don't worry about it. I was just being a friend."
Jay, on the other hand, was quite eloquent with his words: "We's already got our cash, snooch."
I couldn't help but smile at him. Jay is the ultimate Jackass, but he doesn't care. He is just expressing himself the way he sees fit. If he could only kick the drug habit, he'd be all set. I'll talk to Silent Bob about it when I go out tomorrow. If I can go out tomorrow. Silent Bob is a caring soul. I wouldn't go so far as to say that he's the most sensitive of the two, but he exhibits kindness on the outside as well as the inside. Jay holds it in, and then releases it through a series of physical maneuvers, dances, singsongs, and the occasional conjugal visits with Justice.
I wish I could take it all back. I keep telling myself that if I had listened to my parents, listened to Hooper and Holden and Alyssa, that if I had listened to my heart instead of my jealous mind and engorged cock, I wouldn't be in this mess. I would have had someone to force me to go to the doctor sooner. I would have been diagnosed quicker, and treatment would have been less harsh on my system.
Things might have turned out okay for ol' Banky Edwards.
I'm getting tired, and I'm waiting for a phone call from Dante. He promised he'd call back. I hope he calls me. I need someone to talk to, and Dante is the one person that I could bare my soul to after everything that's happened in the past 25 years.
