Ch 4-
I don't know. There's still so much left to do before I die. I mean, I've always wanted to have a kid or two. I have always wanted to be able to keep my name, no-- my spirit alive in those kids. I'd always pictured having a son and a daughter. Or maybe 2 daughters and a son. Or maybe even more than that. I kept this from Holden, but while he told me he dreamed of superstardom and fucking hot chicks all the time, I dreamt differently. I dreamt that I would be married to a beautiful woman, who was smart, a little bit sexy, a lot feisty, and who would bear my children. A woman who I would love, and who would love me back. A woman that I could spend the rest of my life with.
That's precisely why I'm not trying to find myself a woman now. I don't want this woman of my dreams to marry me and no sooner have my child than I die. I want to be there for my kid instead of being perceived as the asshole father who was never there for his child. I suppose the kid wouldn't hate me though. Kids aren't like that. They usually understand death pretty well. They know that the deceased is in heaven, along with Jojo the pup, and the bus he rode in under.
There I go again with my eternal sarcasm. I wonder how things would have been different if Holden weren't my best friend. What if I'd hung around with Jay? Well, maybe Jay's not the best example… He's 4 years younger than I am. And If I was friends with him, I'd probably be another stoner hanging out in front of the Quick Stop.
What if I'd hung out with Dante more than I did Holden? I practically blew him off for Holden. As a result, Dante seemed to attach himself to Randal and his illustrious 12… erm… Well, it was 8 women by the time graduation rolled around. Dante's much more of a sensitive, caring man than Holden ever was. Dante deserves better than Randal, too.
Maybe I shouldn't go that far. Randal is a good friend to Dante. Despite his smart-ass ways and weird tastes in everything, he is very protective of Dante. When he hurts Dante, he usually apologizes for it. He's better than Holden. So much better than Holden. Why couldn't I have had Randal? At least Randal's loyal, unlike that two-timing son-of-a-bitch Holden Fucking McNeil. Dammit! Now I feel bad again! Holden was a halfway decent friend, I must admit. I guess we're both just young and foolish, and pigheaded. We're men, for crying out loud! Aren't we all entitled to act this way every now and then?
In the words of Gregg Allman, "Good Lord, I feel like I'm dyin'."
How ironic that I am dying now, but I started feeling it years before. Well, perhaps it's not quite 'ironic', but it sure feels like a kick in the ass.
As days go by, I wonder what life will be like without me. I wonder if I've made a difference in my life. What the fuck did I do for these past 3 decades of breath? I was a tracer for the first part of my career! For years, I played second fiddle to Holden. I sat in the studio for day after day, complimenting him on his light posts and mailboxes, which I might add, were just light posts and mailboxes. He never complimented me on my careful work, going over every pencil mark as gently as I could. I was careful as all hell in inking those lines so that they could be colored in later.
But did he care? No! I wasted years being the fucking tracer! I could have been drawing the Astonishing Exploits of Arachnid Dude, or some such bullshit rip-off of Stan Lee. Holden fucking screwed me over! He's still screwing me over! Every time he calls me, he's still oblivious to the fact that I still care for him deeply. I will always care for Holden, no matter what he does to me. Granted, he's an asshole-- Most people are—but he's still my friend, and I won't abandon him like he abandoned me.
