Tea had been dropped off at her house at around midnight. And despite how
exhausted she was she couldn't help but toss and turn in her bed as worry
prevented her from any chance of sleep.
'He was acting weird. Like, I dunno. But I mean he was practically falling apart. Did he say something about a dream? Maybe it was just some dream that freaked him out. I don't need to worry. It's not my problem.'
She rolled over onto her side, then her back, and the to her other side. 'Why do I have to have such a guilty conscious!' Sitting up she stared at the floor and shook her head. 'It isn't my problem, but I feel like I should fix it. Why do I want to help that jerk so much?'
Absently mindedly Tea started humming the song. 'And what was he talking about with that question? I wonder what happened that day. Arg! It's not my problem! I shouldn't be so worried about it!'
Throwing herself back down onto her pillow she clamped her eyes shut and tried to force herself to stay still. 'I'm going to go to sleep. I'm not going to worry about it. It's not my problem.'
*********************
Seto woke up the next morning after a restless sleep. Putting a hand to his forehead he sighed and shook his head.
'Well that did me absolutely no good.' Slowly rising he went over to his dresser and pulled out what had become his now normal outfit. The black pants, black sleeveless top, and the leather wrist guards. As he was snapping on the bracelets he started thinking again and he stared down at them. 'Why have I been wearing black? Black is for when people are depressed, generally. But I'm not depressed. I'm perfectly happy. Or at least I should be.'
Kaiba smacked his forehead and then made his way onto the balcony. 'But I'm not. And I don't know why. It's probably just a passing feeling; it'll get better with time.' His mind continued to wander and he stared down at the water below. 'I never should have gone to that party last night. I never should have answered that question Joey asked. Why did I have to tell them about my birthday? It was just so stupid. At least they never found out what Gozaburo gave me for a present.'
He propped his leg against the railing and rolled up the bottom of his pant leg to stare at the scar in the shape of a dragon with a KC in place of its chest.
*****************
"Hold still!" Gozaburo shoved the child's leg back down onto the table.
"B-But it hurts." Seto squeezed his eyes shut in pain as the burning metal was placed back onto his ankle.
The owner of Kaiba Corp gave an unmoving smile and pushed the red piece of metal into Seto's flesh a few more times before shoving it back into the fire to heat up again.
The little one chanced a glance at the pattern that was being branded into his skin. He saw the small K and C that had already been put there and stuttered. "Wh-What does th-the KC st-stand for?"
Gozaburo took the small piece of metal out again and pressed it back onto the skin as Seto gave out a small scream. "It stands for Kaiba Corp you dolt. Now stop fidgeting and be quiet or I'll give you something to yell about."
"Y-Yes sir." He stared down at the floor and grimaced as the rest of the pattern was slowly, meticulously, and mercilessly burned into the raw skin of his ankle.
***************
Seto flinched a little as he remembered the feeling and then he rolled the cloth down again. 'They never found out. They never need to know.' He smirked a little. 'Now wasn't that a lovely birthday present? I got to have my foot burned off and limp around for a week.'
He walked back inside and shook his head as he stared at the floor. 'I need something. I don't know what it is though. I'm just, not, happy, anymore.'
Kaiba made his way out the door and down the stairs. Once reaching the bottom of them Mokuba came bounding up and gave him a hug.
"Good morning big brother!"
Seto just nodded and patted the top of Mokuba's head before heading for the door. "I'm going walking. Later."
Mokuba was a little confused as to why his brother was leaving so quickly but he shrugged it off and smiled. "See ya."
*******************
Kaiba was walking down the street with thoughts going through his head and his outer presence getting more and more downtrodden as he went.
'What's missing? I have everything. I don't have to worry about Mokuba, and he's really happy. That generally makes me happy as well, but now it isn't. The company doesn't have any stressful things going on right now; in fact it's been quite calm. And whatever this is, it's not boredom, because then I would just be sitting around doing nothing instead of walking like I am now. So what's missing? I don't know. I just need something. Maybe I should go buy some more cards, then I could make more decks or just add to my current ones. That's what I'll do. Duel Monsters has always made me feel a little better."
*******************
The small bell rang as the shop's door was opened and Seto stepped inside. He ignored the slight glare that Yugi's Grandpa sent him from behind the counter and picked up a couple of cards which he bought and without saying a word he left.
As he was walking down the sidewalk back towards his house he caught something out of the corner of his eye. Turning to face the window he stared inside it and saw Yugi and his friends smiling and laughing about something.
At this he felt his heart sink and he started walking away again. 'Why can't I be like that? Why can't I ever be happy?'
*******************
Tea stopped laughing for a second and blinked out the window. "Hey, is that.?"
Yugi followed her gaze to the empty window and cocked his head. "Is that what Tea?"
She shook her head. "Oh, nothing, I guess my mind is just playing tricks with me." A smile reappeared on her face and she looked back at her friends. 'That couldn't have been Kaiba.'
********************
"Stupid."
Seto kicked the rock a few feet in front of him and took a few more steps to catch up with it.
"Stupid."
He kicked it again and watched it clatter away in front of him.
"Stupid."
Giving it a final shove he slammed it out across the street and saw it stop rolling on the opposite sidewalk.
"It's all just stupid. I don't need these emotions right now. I just want to go back to the way things were."
Shaking his head he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Why do people always have to be so difficult? If they all would just forget the whole thing then it would be so much easier. But then again, it seems I'm the only one that seems to not be able to forget the past."
He gave a frustrated growl and turned into the next store that came up next to him down the street. Skimming his eyes down the aisles he tried to busy his head with statistics of the prices until one item caught his eye.
"I could use one of those." Kaiba stared at the riding crop and smiled slimly as he took the it from the ring it was hanging on and gave it a testing bend. 'Perfect, no blood, no long-lasting effects. Just a quick swish and strike only resulting in maybe a few bruises that no one will be able to see anyway.'
He went to the front counter and bought it before heading out of the store again and making his way home as he looked at the item he had just bought. "No one can get upset with me for this. It's a normal thing, and as I said, it won't really hurt anyone. And as long as Mokuba doesn't know I have it then it'll all be fine. The kid would probably get worried, considering we don't have a horse, or he'd think we were going to get one. Which we aren't. So I'll just have to make sure he doesn't see it."
******************
Swish! Crack!
Seto smiled as the stinging pain sank into his calves. Good, this was good, no one would see him, and no one would care. Now there was no reason for anyone to care, or have pity, or have any sort of emotions towards him. It was just a harmless pain that lasted a few minutes and then it was gone.
Kaiba looked up at the clock and nodded. 'I got home at four, the game took half and hour so that was four thirty, I stopped working at seven, so that means I've been doing this for. three hours.'
Smirking he brought the implement up again and down. He was trying to get the emotions out. Away from him and into something else, if he could accomplish that then everything would be fine.
His dream hadn't fully come to him that night, and every time it showed any sign of coming he'd crack the whip over his legs until it went away. He would have rather attacked his head, but he couldn't get enough force that way. So he had to settle with the one area of his body that could be taken under the full blow, his legs.
He couldn't see them, but he could feel them. His pants softened the sting slightly, and he hadn't changed that since he figured having a barrier could possibly prevent any bruising to occur. But the pain was still there, and he was enjoying every bit of it.
No, cutting had exited from all of his thought process, suicide to go with it as well, but the plain fact of causing pain was still there, and very fresh.
Depression, emotions, feelings of sadness, Kaiba didn't want those. But they sure didn't mind keeping him company.
'I just want to be normal. I just want it all to be okay. Why can't it ever be fine? Why does it always have to be so complicated? Why can't it just for once be able to give me a few moments of happiness that I don't later learn to regret? Maybe I should just give up. Tea hates me. I hate her. I hate her friends. I absolutely hate her. She hates me, and there is absolutely no way in hell's chance that I love her. Because I don't, and if I did then I would just go out and tell her and not sit her and torture myself and.'
Crack!
'Don't doubt, just do. If I doubt myself nothing good ever comes out of it. I don't love Tea. I don't love Tea. I don't love Tea. I absolutely don't love Tea. I don't want to break down right now and call her. I don't want to go over there and tell her I love her. I don't want to hold her just one last time, give her one last kiss, remember how it used to be. I don't. I don't. I just don't. I don't miss her. I don't need her. I don't need anybody. We've decided this. It's already been made, set, put into play. I can't change it, and besides. I don't love her.'
Crack!
'Dammit! I don't! If I did then I WOULD march over there right now and tell her. But I don't. I don't love her!'
Pausing, he looked at the crop that was gripped beneath his whitened knuckles and sighed.
'Tea. Why can't you just come back to me? Give me one more chance. One night, that's all I ask. Give me just one night to remember, bring peace to myself for a few briefs moments. I promise I won't ask again. I need you now. I'm not happy. Nothing's working. Please Tea. help me.'
Seto dropped his head into his hands and clamped his eyes shut resolutely; so as to prevent the salty liquid that was building underneath his lids to come out.
'I just need one night, one more night where I can go to bed in peace. Just one more night where I don't feel like I'm being torn in two. Oh Tea. I'm so sorry.'
Giving in to the wave of emotions that were taking over him he opened his eyes again and let the tears immediately pour out and drip down his face where they seeped into the rug.
"Tea, I miss you. Come back. Please don't leave me Tea. I want you back. I want you back so much. Oh please just come back to me. I need you Tea. I need you. I can't survive without you."
He took the crop in his hand and hurled it across the room where he watched it hit against the wall and drop to the floor.
"I'm a wreck without you. I've even found a new way of punishing myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm not trying to drive the emotions out, or turn things back to the way they used to be. I'm punishing myself. I never should have let you go. I need you back. Please Tea. Don't leave me all by myself. I don't want to be alone!"
Crawling up onto his bed he grabbed one of the pillows and curled up in a ball around it.
"Tea. If there is anyway that you can hear me. Please, just help me. I don't want to be alone. I've been alone for so long. too long. No one ever tried to help me. You used to care. Why can't you still? If you can find it inside your gentle heart to forgive me. I beg you, please do. I'm lost. I'm confused. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I can't do anything to stop myself. Tea. help me."
These last words barely escaped Kaiba's lips as a whisper and he hugged the pillow tighter as the tears that were trickling down his face soaked into it. And as soft sobbing shook his chest he buried his head in the item that he was curled around and slowly drifted off into slumber as he cried himself to sleep looking no more than a lost little boy looking for a place to call home, and wandering around blindly with no hopes to find one.
((Sorry about the delay in posting. I've finally fallen into the thing where I'm no longer five chapters ahead of what is posted on the site. So I'll update as soon as I finish every chapter. Review please, and tankies in advance. Later!))
'He was acting weird. Like, I dunno. But I mean he was practically falling apart. Did he say something about a dream? Maybe it was just some dream that freaked him out. I don't need to worry. It's not my problem.'
She rolled over onto her side, then her back, and the to her other side. 'Why do I have to have such a guilty conscious!' Sitting up she stared at the floor and shook her head. 'It isn't my problem, but I feel like I should fix it. Why do I want to help that jerk so much?'
Absently mindedly Tea started humming the song. 'And what was he talking about with that question? I wonder what happened that day. Arg! It's not my problem! I shouldn't be so worried about it!'
Throwing herself back down onto her pillow she clamped her eyes shut and tried to force herself to stay still. 'I'm going to go to sleep. I'm not going to worry about it. It's not my problem.'
*********************
Seto woke up the next morning after a restless sleep. Putting a hand to his forehead he sighed and shook his head.
'Well that did me absolutely no good.' Slowly rising he went over to his dresser and pulled out what had become his now normal outfit. The black pants, black sleeveless top, and the leather wrist guards. As he was snapping on the bracelets he started thinking again and he stared down at them. 'Why have I been wearing black? Black is for when people are depressed, generally. But I'm not depressed. I'm perfectly happy. Or at least I should be.'
Kaiba smacked his forehead and then made his way onto the balcony. 'But I'm not. And I don't know why. It's probably just a passing feeling; it'll get better with time.' His mind continued to wander and he stared down at the water below. 'I never should have gone to that party last night. I never should have answered that question Joey asked. Why did I have to tell them about my birthday? It was just so stupid. At least they never found out what Gozaburo gave me for a present.'
He propped his leg against the railing and rolled up the bottom of his pant leg to stare at the scar in the shape of a dragon with a KC in place of its chest.
*****************
"Hold still!" Gozaburo shoved the child's leg back down onto the table.
"B-But it hurts." Seto squeezed his eyes shut in pain as the burning metal was placed back onto his ankle.
The owner of Kaiba Corp gave an unmoving smile and pushed the red piece of metal into Seto's flesh a few more times before shoving it back into the fire to heat up again.
The little one chanced a glance at the pattern that was being branded into his skin. He saw the small K and C that had already been put there and stuttered. "Wh-What does th-the KC st-stand for?"
Gozaburo took the small piece of metal out again and pressed it back onto the skin as Seto gave out a small scream. "It stands for Kaiba Corp you dolt. Now stop fidgeting and be quiet or I'll give you something to yell about."
"Y-Yes sir." He stared down at the floor and grimaced as the rest of the pattern was slowly, meticulously, and mercilessly burned into the raw skin of his ankle.
***************
Seto flinched a little as he remembered the feeling and then he rolled the cloth down again. 'They never found out. They never need to know.' He smirked a little. 'Now wasn't that a lovely birthday present? I got to have my foot burned off and limp around for a week.'
He walked back inside and shook his head as he stared at the floor. 'I need something. I don't know what it is though. I'm just, not, happy, anymore.'
Kaiba made his way out the door and down the stairs. Once reaching the bottom of them Mokuba came bounding up and gave him a hug.
"Good morning big brother!"
Seto just nodded and patted the top of Mokuba's head before heading for the door. "I'm going walking. Later."
Mokuba was a little confused as to why his brother was leaving so quickly but he shrugged it off and smiled. "See ya."
*******************
Kaiba was walking down the street with thoughts going through his head and his outer presence getting more and more downtrodden as he went.
'What's missing? I have everything. I don't have to worry about Mokuba, and he's really happy. That generally makes me happy as well, but now it isn't. The company doesn't have any stressful things going on right now; in fact it's been quite calm. And whatever this is, it's not boredom, because then I would just be sitting around doing nothing instead of walking like I am now. So what's missing? I don't know. I just need something. Maybe I should go buy some more cards, then I could make more decks or just add to my current ones. That's what I'll do. Duel Monsters has always made me feel a little better."
*******************
The small bell rang as the shop's door was opened and Seto stepped inside. He ignored the slight glare that Yugi's Grandpa sent him from behind the counter and picked up a couple of cards which he bought and without saying a word he left.
As he was walking down the sidewalk back towards his house he caught something out of the corner of his eye. Turning to face the window he stared inside it and saw Yugi and his friends smiling and laughing about something.
At this he felt his heart sink and he started walking away again. 'Why can't I be like that? Why can't I ever be happy?'
*******************
Tea stopped laughing for a second and blinked out the window. "Hey, is that.?"
Yugi followed her gaze to the empty window and cocked his head. "Is that what Tea?"
She shook her head. "Oh, nothing, I guess my mind is just playing tricks with me." A smile reappeared on her face and she looked back at her friends. 'That couldn't have been Kaiba.'
********************
"Stupid."
Seto kicked the rock a few feet in front of him and took a few more steps to catch up with it.
"Stupid."
He kicked it again and watched it clatter away in front of him.
"Stupid."
Giving it a final shove he slammed it out across the street and saw it stop rolling on the opposite sidewalk.
"It's all just stupid. I don't need these emotions right now. I just want to go back to the way things were."
Shaking his head he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Why do people always have to be so difficult? If they all would just forget the whole thing then it would be so much easier. But then again, it seems I'm the only one that seems to not be able to forget the past."
He gave a frustrated growl and turned into the next store that came up next to him down the street. Skimming his eyes down the aisles he tried to busy his head with statistics of the prices until one item caught his eye.
"I could use one of those." Kaiba stared at the riding crop and smiled slimly as he took the it from the ring it was hanging on and gave it a testing bend. 'Perfect, no blood, no long-lasting effects. Just a quick swish and strike only resulting in maybe a few bruises that no one will be able to see anyway.'
He went to the front counter and bought it before heading out of the store again and making his way home as he looked at the item he had just bought. "No one can get upset with me for this. It's a normal thing, and as I said, it won't really hurt anyone. And as long as Mokuba doesn't know I have it then it'll all be fine. The kid would probably get worried, considering we don't have a horse, or he'd think we were going to get one. Which we aren't. So I'll just have to make sure he doesn't see it."
******************
Swish! Crack!
Seto smiled as the stinging pain sank into his calves. Good, this was good, no one would see him, and no one would care. Now there was no reason for anyone to care, or have pity, or have any sort of emotions towards him. It was just a harmless pain that lasted a few minutes and then it was gone.
Kaiba looked up at the clock and nodded. 'I got home at four, the game took half and hour so that was four thirty, I stopped working at seven, so that means I've been doing this for. three hours.'
Smirking he brought the implement up again and down. He was trying to get the emotions out. Away from him and into something else, if he could accomplish that then everything would be fine.
His dream hadn't fully come to him that night, and every time it showed any sign of coming he'd crack the whip over his legs until it went away. He would have rather attacked his head, but he couldn't get enough force that way. So he had to settle with the one area of his body that could be taken under the full blow, his legs.
He couldn't see them, but he could feel them. His pants softened the sting slightly, and he hadn't changed that since he figured having a barrier could possibly prevent any bruising to occur. But the pain was still there, and he was enjoying every bit of it.
No, cutting had exited from all of his thought process, suicide to go with it as well, but the plain fact of causing pain was still there, and very fresh.
Depression, emotions, feelings of sadness, Kaiba didn't want those. But they sure didn't mind keeping him company.
'I just want to be normal. I just want it all to be okay. Why can't it ever be fine? Why does it always have to be so complicated? Why can't it just for once be able to give me a few moments of happiness that I don't later learn to regret? Maybe I should just give up. Tea hates me. I hate her. I hate her friends. I absolutely hate her. She hates me, and there is absolutely no way in hell's chance that I love her. Because I don't, and if I did then I would just go out and tell her and not sit her and torture myself and.'
Crack!
'Don't doubt, just do. If I doubt myself nothing good ever comes out of it. I don't love Tea. I don't love Tea. I don't love Tea. I absolutely don't love Tea. I don't want to break down right now and call her. I don't want to go over there and tell her I love her. I don't want to hold her just one last time, give her one last kiss, remember how it used to be. I don't. I don't. I just don't. I don't miss her. I don't need her. I don't need anybody. We've decided this. It's already been made, set, put into play. I can't change it, and besides. I don't love her.'
Crack!
'Dammit! I don't! If I did then I WOULD march over there right now and tell her. But I don't. I don't love her!'
Pausing, he looked at the crop that was gripped beneath his whitened knuckles and sighed.
'Tea. Why can't you just come back to me? Give me one more chance. One night, that's all I ask. Give me just one night to remember, bring peace to myself for a few briefs moments. I promise I won't ask again. I need you now. I'm not happy. Nothing's working. Please Tea. help me.'
Seto dropped his head into his hands and clamped his eyes shut resolutely; so as to prevent the salty liquid that was building underneath his lids to come out.
'I just need one night, one more night where I can go to bed in peace. Just one more night where I don't feel like I'm being torn in two. Oh Tea. I'm so sorry.'
Giving in to the wave of emotions that were taking over him he opened his eyes again and let the tears immediately pour out and drip down his face where they seeped into the rug.
"Tea, I miss you. Come back. Please don't leave me Tea. I want you back. I want you back so much. Oh please just come back to me. I need you Tea. I need you. I can't survive without you."
He took the crop in his hand and hurled it across the room where he watched it hit against the wall and drop to the floor.
"I'm a wreck without you. I've even found a new way of punishing myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm not trying to drive the emotions out, or turn things back to the way they used to be. I'm punishing myself. I never should have let you go. I need you back. Please Tea. Don't leave me all by myself. I don't want to be alone!"
Crawling up onto his bed he grabbed one of the pillows and curled up in a ball around it.
"Tea. If there is anyway that you can hear me. Please, just help me. I don't want to be alone. I've been alone for so long. too long. No one ever tried to help me. You used to care. Why can't you still? If you can find it inside your gentle heart to forgive me. I beg you, please do. I'm lost. I'm confused. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I can't do anything to stop myself. Tea. help me."
These last words barely escaped Kaiba's lips as a whisper and he hugged the pillow tighter as the tears that were trickling down his face soaked into it. And as soft sobbing shook his chest he buried his head in the item that he was curled around and slowly drifted off into slumber as he cried himself to sleep looking no more than a lost little boy looking for a place to call home, and wandering around blindly with no hopes to find one.
((Sorry about the delay in posting. I've finally fallen into the thing where I'm no longer five chapters ahead of what is posted on the site. So I'll update as soon as I finish every chapter. Review please, and tankies in advance. Later!))
