((Okay, my lovely people that are going to get SO confused... This chapter
is long, and as said before, confusing. It's only long because it's a HUGE
dialogue for the most part. Hope you like it. And give me your feedback. If
it's really bad then tell me what you're confused on exactly and I'll try
to explain it in the next ooc chunk I give ya. Okay, ttyl. Enjoy!))
How does it feel Kaiba? How does it feel to have everything you've ever wanted ripped out from underneath you in one fell swoop?
"Leave me alone..."
What? Don't feel like talking? Is little Seto afraid of the big mean scary man?
"No, I just want you to shut up, and leave me alone."
If you aren't afraid then why can't you talk about it?
"There's no point..."
Just like everything you've ever said. Why do you do this? Everything you do has to be analyzed to death. Why don't you just try and be normal?
"Normal people are morons..."
But at least they're happy.
"Did I ASK for your opinion?"
I don't know. Did you?
"No."
But you want to know what I think.
"There's a difference."
Oh really? And what's that?
"You're opinion is worth nothing, what you're thinking has at least some basis for itself."
And here you go again with the analyzing...
"I thought I asked you to leave me alone?"
You didn't ask, you ordered.
"Is there a difference?"
A big one.
"Then what is it?"
And now you want my opinion?
"Sure... it's not like it matters anyway..."
You're giving up again, aren't you?
"Why shouldn't I? Mokuba's betrayed me; Tea's betrayed me... All of my dreams- it seems like their meanings keep becoming realities... I never should've bought that ring."
But it was what you wanted.
"I wanted it then. Now I'm not sure... I'm not sure of anything anymore..."
You know, you have a strange pattern of going in circles.
"But I always skip a step."
Oh? And which one is that?
"The one where I become happy again..."
That's only because you don't need it.
"And why do you say that?"
I don't know. Why do you?
"But I don't."
Yes you do, why else do you think you skip it? You're mind doesn't consider happiness part of the cycle anymore. It's a program Seto, and why bother wasting your time with the unnecessary? It's not like happiness really achieves anything.
"But then why am I so miserable?"
Because it makes you happy.
"It makes me happy to be miserable?"
You're miserable because you're happy.
"That doesn't make anything sense..."
And you think it's supposed to?
"No."
Then why did you ask?
"I was hoping it might."
And that's what frustrates you.
"What?"
Things that don't make sense.
"Well yes, but doesn't everybody?"
Everybody who's trying to make themselves a machine.
"And how am I doing that?"
You want the facts Seto, and you're trying to live on them. It's like your computer, you give it programs, it spits out the data. The programs you give it are all set and true, no questions, just answers. Why do you think you're so confused, hm? It's because your life has too many questions and not enough answers. Because all of your answers would lead to happiness, and the one thing your mind does know is that happiness is a waste of time.
"But I don't want that anymore."
Are you sure about that?
"Not exactly..."
Then it's not going to change.
"Just like Tea?"
You depend on her too much.
"I have no one else to depend on."
What about yourself?
"I don't trust myself."
Then why are you listening?
"Because there's no one else to listen to."
So you go with the last resort... Good strategy.
"You don't have to be sarcastic about it."
Why don't you try getting some real help?
"Like a psychiatrist?"
If that's what you're thinking.
"But they'd probably put me on drugs and send me to a mental institution. I don't want Mokuba to have foster parents."
Are you sure that's not what He wants?
"What do you mean?"
Mokuba wants a family, Seto. Why do you think he idolizes you so much?
"He doesn't seem to anymore..."
It's only because you're abandoning him.
"I'm not meaning to."
At least you know you are.
"It was an honest mistake."
But one that could've been prevented easily.
"I was trying to be a good example. What has fighting ever proved?"
Who's stronger.
"In what? Muscle strength? ... You don't need muscles as long as your know where you're going in life."
Then why do you bother using them?
"Because I like the power."
No, you like the control it gives you.
"Aren't they the same thing?"
Power without a purpose has no control at all. Power with a purpose gives you control.
"So then why do I want to stop?"
Because you know it's wrong.
"To have control?"
No, to dictate it by your power.
"So you're saying it should be more of a democratic system."
Isn't that what the Five are in your company?
"The one's who betrayed me?"
They lost their heads.
"And I've lost mine."
Only because you don't want to find it.
"How are you so sure of all this?"
Because you are.
"I am?"
I don't know. Are you?
"You make no sense."
Am I supposed to?
"I don't know."
Then why are we talking about it?
"Because it's something to talk about."
Is that your reasoning for everything?
"Sometimes."
Only when you're being difficult.
"And why shouldn't I be?"
Because if you can't talk to yourself then you can't talk to anybody.
"I can talk to Tea."
Not anymore.
"Any why not?"
Because you don't trust her.
"I do to some point."
But not the point that you need.
"Now you're being difficult."
It's a talent.
"Or rather a curse."
One that you've brought upon yourself.
"Not with an intention to."
But there had to be some thought involved with it.
"When I wasn't thinking clearly."
When you were thinking with your heart.
"I don't have a heart."
Not one that you'll admit to having.
"Could you please stop?"
Stop what?
"Accusing me of things that aren't true."
You don't want to have a heart?
"I used to."
And why not now?
"They hurt too much."
But with all great loss comes great happiness.
"I thought you said I couldn't be happy?"
I said you didn't want to be. I never said it was impossible.
"You're going in circles."
I follow my master.
"I thought we were supposed to be a democracy?"
We're supposed to, but that doesn't mean we are.
"How CAN we have a democracy without a legislature?"
We vote on it.
"On who?"
On yourself.
"That sounds more like a dictatorship again."
But that's what you want.
"I want to be happy."
Is that what you really want?
"I don't know. Is it?"
It might be.
"Then we'll just say it is."
That's using a false statement for a base.
"Which means we can prove anything."
And you want to prove everything?
"Only what matters."
And what matters?
"I don't know."
Then what are you trying to prove?
"Something to myself."
We have all day. You're going to have to tell me.
"I can't tell you because I don't know."
Or do you not know because you can't tell me?
"How on Earth would that work?"
Do we have to be on Earth?
"Unless you were in a space ship."
Ah, but then a spaceship is always trying to recreate the earth in space, isn't it?
"We'd die otherwise."
Or would you really start living?
"Death isn't living."
You used to think it was.
"I used to think Coco Puffs tasted good too."
Don't they still?
"I haven't had them."
Then how do you not know?
"I'm an adult now. I shouldn't be eating sugar filled nonsense."
Since when is sixteen an adult?
"Since a sixteen year old has a family to provide for."
And is ignoring Mokuba providing for him?
"I don't ignore him. I just have work."
You know you work more than you need to.
"I have nothing better to do."
Then what about Mokuba?
"He doesn't need me anymore. You saw how he treated me."
He was upset, you would've acted the same way if you were his age.
"I never talked back when I was ten."
Because you were afraid.
"Stop saying that!"
That you're afraid? Why? Does it bother you?
"Don't act dumb, you know it does."
It's only because it's true.
"It's a weakness."
Humans have weaknesses.
"My weakness is my pride."
And you know this.
"Yes."
Then it's not a weakness.
"And why not?"
If you know it's a weakness then you can work to fix it.
"But that doesn't mean I will."
Pride is something you've already fixed.
"How?"
You've loved.
"But I lost it."
Then why did you bother showing Tea the ring? You know it hurt you.
"It didn't seem right to keep it. It's not like I'm going to get married anyway..."
But don't you want to?
"I want a family."
Then you want to get married.
"Only if it's the right thing to do."
Is jumping off a cliff the right thing to do?
"At the time it was."
But not anymore...
"Yes. Not anymore."
So you're over that?
"Yes."
But you still love Tea.
"No?"
Why are you asking me?
"Because I'm not sure."
Why don't you ask her?
"Because she'd lie."
Are you sure?
"No."
Then why don't you ask?
"I'm afraid to."
You just denied that a minute ago.
"I know."
Are you sure you know?
"No."
Then we're getting somewhere.
"You make no sense."
We've already established this.
"I know."
Then why are you saying it?
"Because there's nothing better to say."
You're going in circles.
"We've already established this as well."
Getting smarter I see.
"No smarter than I was."
Then you're pride is coming back.
"It makes me feel secure."
From what?
"Pain."
You love pain, you know it.
"Pain makes me miserable."
And being miserable makes you happy.
"I don't want to be miserable."
You don't want to be happy either.
"I thought I did."
You did, but now you don't.
"Why can't I go back to wanting it again?"
I don't know. Why can't you?
"Because I'm trying to do too much..."
And what is that exactly?
"Raise Mokuba, be a brother, be a parental figure, be a human, try to decide whether I'm happy in life, try to rethink my whole frame of mind, have a love life, fix the love live, and figure out who I am at the same time."
Forty-two.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
You've never read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
"I don't remember it if I did."
So then you were human.
"What do you mean were?"
It's the answer to the universe life and everything.
"What?"
That's what forty-two is.
"We're not talking about that anymore."
Now we are.
"You're trying to drive me insane."
You already are.
"But I don't think I am."
Insane people don't think they're insane.
"But same people think they're insane?"
No.
"Then how do you know if you are or not?"
Somebody tells you.
"Who?"
Just somebody.
"You're being vague."
I'm being normal.
"There is no normal."
In some places.
"Really?"
No.
"Then why did you say there were?"
Because that's what you wanted to hear.
"I want the truth."
But can you handle it?
"I can try."
You need to see a psychiatrist.
"I told you, no."
You never said that.
"I didn't?"
I don't know. Did you?
"I forget."
So you ARE human.
"But I'll never admit it."
When you're alone you will.
"But only then."
It's at least a start.
"After the gun shot five years ago."
Better late than never.
"Better never than late."
Are you sure that's the logic you want to use?
"If it'll make me happy."
It'll make you miserable.
"Then isn't that my definition of happy?"
Not anymore.
"It's changed that quickly?"
It only took us six years.
"It only took us finding Tea."
The first time you saw her you didn't think so.
"The first time I saw her I didn't love her."
And what changed all that?
"She cared."
But does she now?
"I need to ask her."
Slapping someone doesn't seem very caring.
"Then I'll kill myself."
I thought you were over that?
"I am."
Then why did you say it?
"It was just a thought."
But one you'd never carry out.
"In my next lifetime."
If you make it that far.
"I'm pretty sure I will."
And are you happy about that?
"About being sure, yes."
Because you want control.
"Because I want peace."
Control is your peace?
"Sometimes."
If Tea told you to would you see the psychiatrist?
"If she really thought that's what would be best."
What if Mokuba told you?
"He's too young to understand."
Weren't you too young?
"I had no choice."
But you made yourself ready.
"And almost killed myself in the process."
You did kill yourself.
"Only my inner child."
Which is who you want to be.
"But can't be anymore."
You can raise the dead.
"Heh, if only it were that easy."
You miss your mom and dad.
"They're rotting corpses. I don't need them."
But you still want them.
"But I don't need them."
Needing and wanting are entirely different.
"Needing decides what you want."
So do you need Mokuba?
"I guess not..."
Then why would it matter if you got sent to an institution?
"I'm afraid of what they might find out."
You're afraid of opening up.
"Because I'm afraid of getting hurt."
You've already been hurt. You just haven't loved.
"I loved Tea."
You thought you loved Tea.
"And why is it just that?"
Because she never loved you back.
"Are you sure?"
She kissed Joey.
"Wheeler?"
She was lonely.
"Does she love him?"
No.
"Does he love her?"
No.
"Then why did they kiss?"
Because they're instincts told them to.
"Instincts are for animals."
Animals are happy.
"I don't want to be an animal."
Then you don't want to be happy.
"Then are you saying Mokuba does?"
Subconsciously.
"So everyone subconsciously wants to be an animal?"
You can generally tell. You see it in their personalities.
"That sounds like something a psychic would say."
And psychics are sometimes right.
"But not always."
They are human.
"But they're pretending not to be."
Just like you.
"I'm not pretending."
It's a game. You're playing it.
"Then why do I keep playing it?"
Because you keep telling yourself it's fun.
"But it really isn't."
Then stop playing.
"But I don't know how."
Then guess.
"Is that really the answer?"
There is no answer.
"Then how can I go on?"
It's chess Seto.
"I hate chess."
You used to.
"Not anymore though?"
You're really unsure of yourself.
"I know."
There isn't always going to be an answer.
"I like to think there is."
Stop thinking, start doing.
"But how can I?"
Wake up.
"How can I wake up when the world is so dark outside?"
Get a flashlight.
"Something?"
Somebody.
"But I thought I wasn't supposed to depend on people."
Not to the point when they're life is yours.
"Have I really gotten that bad?"
Why do you think you're parents kill you in your dream?
"Because I was supposed to be back home with Tea."
No, because you wanted to go back.
"But why? I had a family."
Had is the key word in that sentence.
"Can't I ever have one again?"
If you think that's what's best.
"I do."
Then do it.
"But why?"
Because you can.
"You're starting to sound like me."
I am you.
"Then why do you keep contradicting me?"
Because you contradict yourself.
"If I know this then why don't I fix it?"
Because you won't trust yourself to fix it.
"I try to."
You keep one foot on home base while trying to run to first. It doesn't work...
"I'm trying to protect myself."
They turtle who stays in his shell never gets anywhere.
"I have a company to run."
That's an excuse.
"But a legitimate one."
Legitimacy isn't always the best choice.
"Like the chicken?"
You still remember that joke?
"It's a popular concept."
But one that I'd think a CEO would have no purpose for.
"I have sentiments, but not many."
Not many that you remember.
"So why did the chicken cross the road?"
You've forgotten?
"No. I'm trying to be happy."
You're scaring me.
"I scare myself."
That's what I just said.
"So you are me?"
In a sense.
"What sense?"
It's called schizophrenic.
"That's a mental disorder."
One that you have.
"But don't want to have."
Not my problem.
"Maybe I should see a psychiatrist."
Definitely.
"Are you sure Mokuba will be happy?"
That you're gone?
"Yeah."
No.
"He won't?"
He loves you.
"Then maybe I shouldn't..."
He'll be worse off if you don't go.
"But it seems so idiotic. After all of this to just break down and see a psychiatrist."
They're there to help. It's their job.
"Then I should leave it to the people who really need it."
And you don't?
"I don't think I so."
You're unsure of yourself again.
"I'm not sure of anything."
Except that you need help.
"But I don't want it."
That doesn't mean you don't need it.
"Leave me alone."
Only if you leave yourself alone.
"I'm not going to kill myself."
That wasn't what I was implying.
"Then what were you?"
To get to the other side.
"Huh?"
That's why the chicken crossed the road.
"I asked that a while back."
You still asked it.
"Am I really this confusing?"
When you want to be.
"I'm thinking that's all the time."
You're the human puzzle.
"Do I want to be?"
You want to be solved.
"And will I ever?"
Never.
"So why do I wish for it?"
It's a dream.
"One that will kill me."
One that will save you.
"How?"
Ask Tea.
"I thought I couldn't depend on her?"
Not right now.
"So what are you suggesting?"
Take a vacation.
"And what purpose would that serve?"
It would give you a break. That's generally what vacations are for.
"A break from what?"
Life.
"Isn't that death?"
That's a sleep.
"I heard that in a quote once."
That you found in high school.
"I'm still in high school."
My point exactly.
"What did it say?"
'Thou fool, what is sleep but the image of death? Fate will give an eternal rest.'
"Oh yeah, now I remember."
Why did you find that again?
"I was contemplating."
Suicide.
"Yes."
You go back to that topic too much for your own good.
"It's because I'm still not sure I made the right choice."
So you aren't over it?
"I'm over it to the extent where I won't do it."
But you think about it.
"Exactly."
You're going in circles again.
"It's what I'm used to."
It's what you want to think you're used to.
"Aren't I though?"
You want to go home.
"There is no such thing."
Home is where the heart is.
"And no heart means no home."
You have a heart, you just need to thaw it.
"You make me sound like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol."
He at least got better.
"He found a family."
He found love.
"I do love."
But are not loved.
"Is that my fault?"
You don't allow yourself to be loved.
"How do I do that?"
Ask Tea.
"I depend on her too much."
I've already told you that.
"But you keep telling me to ask her."
Because she's the only one who knows.
"And why is that?"
Because she can read you.
"How so?"
It's your body language... She's afraid for you, and of you. You cannot love what you fear.
"How can I fix that?"
I don't know.
"Then what help are you?"
None whatsoever.
"So then why am I talking to you?"
Because you don't want to wake up.
"And if I decided I did?"
Then you would.
"Then I decide that I do."
You can't just decide, you have to really want it.
"Everything always has to be the hard way doesn't it?"
Only if you make it that way.
"But I don't want to."
But you need to.
"I need to make my life more difficult?"
You need to be happy.
"You mean I need to be miserable."
If that's the way you see it.
"I want my mom and dad back."
You sound like a five-year-old.
"I could care less."
So do you really want to be that immature?
"I want the childhood I lost."
You're starting to see it again.
"But I'll never have it."
As long as you believe that.
"So I have to believe? Sounds like one of Motou's "Heart of the Cards" lines."
You don't see the point in anything anymore.
"Because there is no point."
Does there have to be?
"It would make sense if there was one."
But there isn't, and that's what the real sense is.
"Then the world needs to adjust."
You need to adjust to the world.
"Leave me alone."
You don't like listening to advice.
"Not when it's nonsense."
So you're thoughts are nonsense?
"No."
Then why aren't you listening to them?
"There's no point to it."
Forget the points and just try living.
"I am living."
As a bodily function.
"Is there any other way?"
Ask Tea.
"You're doing it again."
It's because it's what you want to hear.
"I've told you. I want the truth."
Wake up.
"Why?"
Because you need to.
"But I like this."
Living out of reality?
"I can breath out of reality."
You can breath in reality as well.
"Not as well as I can here."
Tell her about it.
"About what?"
Why you bought the ring.
"She doesn't need to know about my dream."
But you need her to know about it.
"You want me to tell her that I was dreaming of marrying her?"
She wants to know.
"How do you know?"
I know that you know she wants to know.
"You're talking in riddles."
I'm talking how you'll understand me.
"But I'm not."
Then you don't understand yourself.
"I know that already."
So then try to fix it.
"How?"
Wake up.
"You've already told me to."
But you didn't listen.
"What happened to our democracy?"
The dictator lost his mind.
"I want to find it."
Then talk to Tea.
"About what?"
Everything.
"Everything?"
Yes.
"What exactly is everything?"
Everything. Start back to front and go front to back.
"I'm not a book."
You're a machine.
"But I don't want to be."
Then love a little.
"I try."
Not hard enough.
"Is nothing ever good enough?"
Not when you're only doing it because you're forcing yourself to.
"Then how will I know that I really want to do something?"
You'll smile.
"That sounds too simple."
It is.
"So is it the answer?"
Live with your questions, the answers will come.
"When will they though?"
When you're ready.
"I'm ready now."
You only think you are.
"But then how do I know?"
You'll never know. You'll just be.
"I hate you sometimes."
That's why you hate yourself.
"Are you sure Mokuba doesn't need me?"
He needs you, he loves you, but he needs other people in his life as well.
"So I should try to push him away?"
Just to the point where he makes some friends.
"He's friends with Yugi."
He's getting there.
"So what should I do now?"
Wake up.
****************************
Seto's eyes flickered open and he stared up at the ceiling above his bed.
"How'd I get here?"
Sitting up groggily he rubbed at his eyes and stared around the room. The last place he remembered being was in his office sitting on the couch, contemplating what had happened to Tea and whether or not he should just give up.
He reached down into his pocket, since he was still fully dressed, shoes and all, and found that he pulled out the box he'd shoved into Tea's hands earlier.
"What?" His eyes came up and he got out of the bed and opened up his door to listen to the silence of the house.
"Anybody home?"
He heard his voice echo back towards him in the hallways and then he closed his door behind him and ran down the stairs.
"Anybody?"
No one.
"Hello?" His own voice still came back to him, this time as small and meek as it had come out and he walked over to his couch and sat down dejectedly with a sigh.
"Alone..."
You were expecting her to be here weren't you?
"Yeah..." He stared down at the rug sadly.
Then go find her.
"But I drove her away."
Then drive her back.
A smile traced Seto's lips and he nodded silently. Standing up again he walked over to the door and left through it. Getting into his car he turned on the ignition and pulled out of his overly extensive driveway as he muttered to himself.
"Nothing makes sense anymore... But I might as well join in with the madness rather than trying to stand up against it all by myself."
How does it feel Kaiba? How does it feel to have everything you've ever wanted ripped out from underneath you in one fell swoop?
"Leave me alone..."
What? Don't feel like talking? Is little Seto afraid of the big mean scary man?
"No, I just want you to shut up, and leave me alone."
If you aren't afraid then why can't you talk about it?
"There's no point..."
Just like everything you've ever said. Why do you do this? Everything you do has to be analyzed to death. Why don't you just try and be normal?
"Normal people are morons..."
But at least they're happy.
"Did I ASK for your opinion?"
I don't know. Did you?
"No."
But you want to know what I think.
"There's a difference."
Oh really? And what's that?
"You're opinion is worth nothing, what you're thinking has at least some basis for itself."
And here you go again with the analyzing...
"I thought I asked you to leave me alone?"
You didn't ask, you ordered.
"Is there a difference?"
A big one.
"Then what is it?"
And now you want my opinion?
"Sure... it's not like it matters anyway..."
You're giving up again, aren't you?
"Why shouldn't I? Mokuba's betrayed me; Tea's betrayed me... All of my dreams- it seems like their meanings keep becoming realities... I never should've bought that ring."
But it was what you wanted.
"I wanted it then. Now I'm not sure... I'm not sure of anything anymore..."
You know, you have a strange pattern of going in circles.
"But I always skip a step."
Oh? And which one is that?
"The one where I become happy again..."
That's only because you don't need it.
"And why do you say that?"
I don't know. Why do you?
"But I don't."
Yes you do, why else do you think you skip it? You're mind doesn't consider happiness part of the cycle anymore. It's a program Seto, and why bother wasting your time with the unnecessary? It's not like happiness really achieves anything.
"But then why am I so miserable?"
Because it makes you happy.
"It makes me happy to be miserable?"
You're miserable because you're happy.
"That doesn't make anything sense..."
And you think it's supposed to?
"No."
Then why did you ask?
"I was hoping it might."
And that's what frustrates you.
"What?"
Things that don't make sense.
"Well yes, but doesn't everybody?"
Everybody who's trying to make themselves a machine.
"And how am I doing that?"
You want the facts Seto, and you're trying to live on them. It's like your computer, you give it programs, it spits out the data. The programs you give it are all set and true, no questions, just answers. Why do you think you're so confused, hm? It's because your life has too many questions and not enough answers. Because all of your answers would lead to happiness, and the one thing your mind does know is that happiness is a waste of time.
"But I don't want that anymore."
Are you sure about that?
"Not exactly..."
Then it's not going to change.
"Just like Tea?"
You depend on her too much.
"I have no one else to depend on."
What about yourself?
"I don't trust myself."
Then why are you listening?
"Because there's no one else to listen to."
So you go with the last resort... Good strategy.
"You don't have to be sarcastic about it."
Why don't you try getting some real help?
"Like a psychiatrist?"
If that's what you're thinking.
"But they'd probably put me on drugs and send me to a mental institution. I don't want Mokuba to have foster parents."
Are you sure that's not what He wants?
"What do you mean?"
Mokuba wants a family, Seto. Why do you think he idolizes you so much?
"He doesn't seem to anymore..."
It's only because you're abandoning him.
"I'm not meaning to."
At least you know you are.
"It was an honest mistake."
But one that could've been prevented easily.
"I was trying to be a good example. What has fighting ever proved?"
Who's stronger.
"In what? Muscle strength? ... You don't need muscles as long as your know where you're going in life."
Then why do you bother using them?
"Because I like the power."
No, you like the control it gives you.
"Aren't they the same thing?"
Power without a purpose has no control at all. Power with a purpose gives you control.
"So then why do I want to stop?"
Because you know it's wrong.
"To have control?"
No, to dictate it by your power.
"So you're saying it should be more of a democratic system."
Isn't that what the Five are in your company?
"The one's who betrayed me?"
They lost their heads.
"And I've lost mine."
Only because you don't want to find it.
"How are you so sure of all this?"
Because you are.
"I am?"
I don't know. Are you?
"You make no sense."
Am I supposed to?
"I don't know."
Then why are we talking about it?
"Because it's something to talk about."
Is that your reasoning for everything?
"Sometimes."
Only when you're being difficult.
"And why shouldn't I be?"
Because if you can't talk to yourself then you can't talk to anybody.
"I can talk to Tea."
Not anymore.
"Any why not?"
Because you don't trust her.
"I do to some point."
But not the point that you need.
"Now you're being difficult."
It's a talent.
"Or rather a curse."
One that you've brought upon yourself.
"Not with an intention to."
But there had to be some thought involved with it.
"When I wasn't thinking clearly."
When you were thinking with your heart.
"I don't have a heart."
Not one that you'll admit to having.
"Could you please stop?"
Stop what?
"Accusing me of things that aren't true."
You don't want to have a heart?
"I used to."
And why not now?
"They hurt too much."
But with all great loss comes great happiness.
"I thought you said I couldn't be happy?"
I said you didn't want to be. I never said it was impossible.
"You're going in circles."
I follow my master.
"I thought we were supposed to be a democracy?"
We're supposed to, but that doesn't mean we are.
"How CAN we have a democracy without a legislature?"
We vote on it.
"On who?"
On yourself.
"That sounds more like a dictatorship again."
But that's what you want.
"I want to be happy."
Is that what you really want?
"I don't know. Is it?"
It might be.
"Then we'll just say it is."
That's using a false statement for a base.
"Which means we can prove anything."
And you want to prove everything?
"Only what matters."
And what matters?
"I don't know."
Then what are you trying to prove?
"Something to myself."
We have all day. You're going to have to tell me.
"I can't tell you because I don't know."
Or do you not know because you can't tell me?
"How on Earth would that work?"
Do we have to be on Earth?
"Unless you were in a space ship."
Ah, but then a spaceship is always trying to recreate the earth in space, isn't it?
"We'd die otherwise."
Or would you really start living?
"Death isn't living."
You used to think it was.
"I used to think Coco Puffs tasted good too."
Don't they still?
"I haven't had them."
Then how do you not know?
"I'm an adult now. I shouldn't be eating sugar filled nonsense."
Since when is sixteen an adult?
"Since a sixteen year old has a family to provide for."
And is ignoring Mokuba providing for him?
"I don't ignore him. I just have work."
You know you work more than you need to.
"I have nothing better to do."
Then what about Mokuba?
"He doesn't need me anymore. You saw how he treated me."
He was upset, you would've acted the same way if you were his age.
"I never talked back when I was ten."
Because you were afraid.
"Stop saying that!"
That you're afraid? Why? Does it bother you?
"Don't act dumb, you know it does."
It's only because it's true.
"It's a weakness."
Humans have weaknesses.
"My weakness is my pride."
And you know this.
"Yes."
Then it's not a weakness.
"And why not?"
If you know it's a weakness then you can work to fix it.
"But that doesn't mean I will."
Pride is something you've already fixed.
"How?"
You've loved.
"But I lost it."
Then why did you bother showing Tea the ring? You know it hurt you.
"It didn't seem right to keep it. It's not like I'm going to get married anyway..."
But don't you want to?
"I want a family."
Then you want to get married.
"Only if it's the right thing to do."
Is jumping off a cliff the right thing to do?
"At the time it was."
But not anymore...
"Yes. Not anymore."
So you're over that?
"Yes."
But you still love Tea.
"No?"
Why are you asking me?
"Because I'm not sure."
Why don't you ask her?
"Because she'd lie."
Are you sure?
"No."
Then why don't you ask?
"I'm afraid to."
You just denied that a minute ago.
"I know."
Are you sure you know?
"No."
Then we're getting somewhere.
"You make no sense."
We've already established this.
"I know."
Then why are you saying it?
"Because there's nothing better to say."
You're going in circles.
"We've already established this as well."
Getting smarter I see.
"No smarter than I was."
Then you're pride is coming back.
"It makes me feel secure."
From what?
"Pain."
You love pain, you know it.
"Pain makes me miserable."
And being miserable makes you happy.
"I don't want to be miserable."
You don't want to be happy either.
"I thought I did."
You did, but now you don't.
"Why can't I go back to wanting it again?"
I don't know. Why can't you?
"Because I'm trying to do too much..."
And what is that exactly?
"Raise Mokuba, be a brother, be a parental figure, be a human, try to decide whether I'm happy in life, try to rethink my whole frame of mind, have a love life, fix the love live, and figure out who I am at the same time."
Forty-two.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
You've never read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
"I don't remember it if I did."
So then you were human.
"What do you mean were?"
It's the answer to the universe life and everything.
"What?"
That's what forty-two is.
"We're not talking about that anymore."
Now we are.
"You're trying to drive me insane."
You already are.
"But I don't think I am."
Insane people don't think they're insane.
"But same people think they're insane?"
No.
"Then how do you know if you are or not?"
Somebody tells you.
"Who?"
Just somebody.
"You're being vague."
I'm being normal.
"There is no normal."
In some places.
"Really?"
No.
"Then why did you say there were?"
Because that's what you wanted to hear.
"I want the truth."
But can you handle it?
"I can try."
You need to see a psychiatrist.
"I told you, no."
You never said that.
"I didn't?"
I don't know. Did you?
"I forget."
So you ARE human.
"But I'll never admit it."
When you're alone you will.
"But only then."
It's at least a start.
"After the gun shot five years ago."
Better late than never.
"Better never than late."
Are you sure that's the logic you want to use?
"If it'll make me happy."
It'll make you miserable.
"Then isn't that my definition of happy?"
Not anymore.
"It's changed that quickly?"
It only took us six years.
"It only took us finding Tea."
The first time you saw her you didn't think so.
"The first time I saw her I didn't love her."
And what changed all that?
"She cared."
But does she now?
"I need to ask her."
Slapping someone doesn't seem very caring.
"Then I'll kill myself."
I thought you were over that?
"I am."
Then why did you say it?
"It was just a thought."
But one you'd never carry out.
"In my next lifetime."
If you make it that far.
"I'm pretty sure I will."
And are you happy about that?
"About being sure, yes."
Because you want control.
"Because I want peace."
Control is your peace?
"Sometimes."
If Tea told you to would you see the psychiatrist?
"If she really thought that's what would be best."
What if Mokuba told you?
"He's too young to understand."
Weren't you too young?
"I had no choice."
But you made yourself ready.
"And almost killed myself in the process."
You did kill yourself.
"Only my inner child."
Which is who you want to be.
"But can't be anymore."
You can raise the dead.
"Heh, if only it were that easy."
You miss your mom and dad.
"They're rotting corpses. I don't need them."
But you still want them.
"But I don't need them."
Needing and wanting are entirely different.
"Needing decides what you want."
So do you need Mokuba?
"I guess not..."
Then why would it matter if you got sent to an institution?
"I'm afraid of what they might find out."
You're afraid of opening up.
"Because I'm afraid of getting hurt."
You've already been hurt. You just haven't loved.
"I loved Tea."
You thought you loved Tea.
"And why is it just that?"
Because she never loved you back.
"Are you sure?"
She kissed Joey.
"Wheeler?"
She was lonely.
"Does she love him?"
No.
"Does he love her?"
No.
"Then why did they kiss?"
Because they're instincts told them to.
"Instincts are for animals."
Animals are happy.
"I don't want to be an animal."
Then you don't want to be happy.
"Then are you saying Mokuba does?"
Subconsciously.
"So everyone subconsciously wants to be an animal?"
You can generally tell. You see it in their personalities.
"That sounds like something a psychic would say."
And psychics are sometimes right.
"But not always."
They are human.
"But they're pretending not to be."
Just like you.
"I'm not pretending."
It's a game. You're playing it.
"Then why do I keep playing it?"
Because you keep telling yourself it's fun.
"But it really isn't."
Then stop playing.
"But I don't know how."
Then guess.
"Is that really the answer?"
There is no answer.
"Then how can I go on?"
It's chess Seto.
"I hate chess."
You used to.
"Not anymore though?"
You're really unsure of yourself.
"I know."
There isn't always going to be an answer.
"I like to think there is."
Stop thinking, start doing.
"But how can I?"
Wake up.
"How can I wake up when the world is so dark outside?"
Get a flashlight.
"Something?"
Somebody.
"But I thought I wasn't supposed to depend on people."
Not to the point when they're life is yours.
"Have I really gotten that bad?"
Why do you think you're parents kill you in your dream?
"Because I was supposed to be back home with Tea."
No, because you wanted to go back.
"But why? I had a family."
Had is the key word in that sentence.
"Can't I ever have one again?"
If you think that's what's best.
"I do."
Then do it.
"But why?"
Because you can.
"You're starting to sound like me."
I am you.
"Then why do you keep contradicting me?"
Because you contradict yourself.
"If I know this then why don't I fix it?"
Because you won't trust yourself to fix it.
"I try to."
You keep one foot on home base while trying to run to first. It doesn't work...
"I'm trying to protect myself."
They turtle who stays in his shell never gets anywhere.
"I have a company to run."
That's an excuse.
"But a legitimate one."
Legitimacy isn't always the best choice.
"Like the chicken?"
You still remember that joke?
"It's a popular concept."
But one that I'd think a CEO would have no purpose for.
"I have sentiments, but not many."
Not many that you remember.
"So why did the chicken cross the road?"
You've forgotten?
"No. I'm trying to be happy."
You're scaring me.
"I scare myself."
That's what I just said.
"So you are me?"
In a sense.
"What sense?"
It's called schizophrenic.
"That's a mental disorder."
One that you have.
"But don't want to have."
Not my problem.
"Maybe I should see a psychiatrist."
Definitely.
"Are you sure Mokuba will be happy?"
That you're gone?
"Yeah."
No.
"He won't?"
He loves you.
"Then maybe I shouldn't..."
He'll be worse off if you don't go.
"But it seems so idiotic. After all of this to just break down and see a psychiatrist."
They're there to help. It's their job.
"Then I should leave it to the people who really need it."
And you don't?
"I don't think I so."
You're unsure of yourself again.
"I'm not sure of anything."
Except that you need help.
"But I don't want it."
That doesn't mean you don't need it.
"Leave me alone."
Only if you leave yourself alone.
"I'm not going to kill myself."
That wasn't what I was implying.
"Then what were you?"
To get to the other side.
"Huh?"
That's why the chicken crossed the road.
"I asked that a while back."
You still asked it.
"Am I really this confusing?"
When you want to be.
"I'm thinking that's all the time."
You're the human puzzle.
"Do I want to be?"
You want to be solved.
"And will I ever?"
Never.
"So why do I wish for it?"
It's a dream.
"One that will kill me."
One that will save you.
"How?"
Ask Tea.
"I thought I couldn't depend on her?"
Not right now.
"So what are you suggesting?"
Take a vacation.
"And what purpose would that serve?"
It would give you a break. That's generally what vacations are for.
"A break from what?"
Life.
"Isn't that death?"
That's a sleep.
"I heard that in a quote once."
That you found in high school.
"I'm still in high school."
My point exactly.
"What did it say?"
'Thou fool, what is sleep but the image of death? Fate will give an eternal rest.'
"Oh yeah, now I remember."
Why did you find that again?
"I was contemplating."
Suicide.
"Yes."
You go back to that topic too much for your own good.
"It's because I'm still not sure I made the right choice."
So you aren't over it?
"I'm over it to the extent where I won't do it."
But you think about it.
"Exactly."
You're going in circles again.
"It's what I'm used to."
It's what you want to think you're used to.
"Aren't I though?"
You want to go home.
"There is no such thing."
Home is where the heart is.
"And no heart means no home."
You have a heart, you just need to thaw it.
"You make me sound like Scrooge from A Christmas Carol."
He at least got better.
"He found a family."
He found love.
"I do love."
But are not loved.
"Is that my fault?"
You don't allow yourself to be loved.
"How do I do that?"
Ask Tea.
"I depend on her too much."
I've already told you that.
"But you keep telling me to ask her."
Because she's the only one who knows.
"And why is that?"
Because she can read you.
"How so?"
It's your body language... She's afraid for you, and of you. You cannot love what you fear.
"How can I fix that?"
I don't know.
"Then what help are you?"
None whatsoever.
"So then why am I talking to you?"
Because you don't want to wake up.
"And if I decided I did?"
Then you would.
"Then I decide that I do."
You can't just decide, you have to really want it.
"Everything always has to be the hard way doesn't it?"
Only if you make it that way.
"But I don't want to."
But you need to.
"I need to make my life more difficult?"
You need to be happy.
"You mean I need to be miserable."
If that's the way you see it.
"I want my mom and dad back."
You sound like a five-year-old.
"I could care less."
So do you really want to be that immature?
"I want the childhood I lost."
You're starting to see it again.
"But I'll never have it."
As long as you believe that.
"So I have to believe? Sounds like one of Motou's "Heart of the Cards" lines."
You don't see the point in anything anymore.
"Because there is no point."
Does there have to be?
"It would make sense if there was one."
But there isn't, and that's what the real sense is.
"Then the world needs to adjust."
You need to adjust to the world.
"Leave me alone."
You don't like listening to advice.
"Not when it's nonsense."
So you're thoughts are nonsense?
"No."
Then why aren't you listening to them?
"There's no point to it."
Forget the points and just try living.
"I am living."
As a bodily function.
"Is there any other way?"
Ask Tea.
"You're doing it again."
It's because it's what you want to hear.
"I've told you. I want the truth."
Wake up.
"Why?"
Because you need to.
"But I like this."
Living out of reality?
"I can breath out of reality."
You can breath in reality as well.
"Not as well as I can here."
Tell her about it.
"About what?"
Why you bought the ring.
"She doesn't need to know about my dream."
But you need her to know about it.
"You want me to tell her that I was dreaming of marrying her?"
She wants to know.
"How do you know?"
I know that you know she wants to know.
"You're talking in riddles."
I'm talking how you'll understand me.
"But I'm not."
Then you don't understand yourself.
"I know that already."
So then try to fix it.
"How?"
Wake up.
"You've already told me to."
But you didn't listen.
"What happened to our democracy?"
The dictator lost his mind.
"I want to find it."
Then talk to Tea.
"About what?"
Everything.
"Everything?"
Yes.
"What exactly is everything?"
Everything. Start back to front and go front to back.
"I'm not a book."
You're a machine.
"But I don't want to be."
Then love a little.
"I try."
Not hard enough.
"Is nothing ever good enough?"
Not when you're only doing it because you're forcing yourself to.
"Then how will I know that I really want to do something?"
You'll smile.
"That sounds too simple."
It is.
"So is it the answer?"
Live with your questions, the answers will come.
"When will they though?"
When you're ready.
"I'm ready now."
You only think you are.
"But then how do I know?"
You'll never know. You'll just be.
"I hate you sometimes."
That's why you hate yourself.
"Are you sure Mokuba doesn't need me?"
He needs you, he loves you, but he needs other people in his life as well.
"So I should try to push him away?"
Just to the point where he makes some friends.
"He's friends with Yugi."
He's getting there.
"So what should I do now?"
Wake up.
****************************
Seto's eyes flickered open and he stared up at the ceiling above his bed.
"How'd I get here?"
Sitting up groggily he rubbed at his eyes and stared around the room. The last place he remembered being was in his office sitting on the couch, contemplating what had happened to Tea and whether or not he should just give up.
He reached down into his pocket, since he was still fully dressed, shoes and all, and found that he pulled out the box he'd shoved into Tea's hands earlier.
"What?" His eyes came up and he got out of the bed and opened up his door to listen to the silence of the house.
"Anybody home?"
He heard his voice echo back towards him in the hallways and then he closed his door behind him and ran down the stairs.
"Anybody?"
No one.
"Hello?" His own voice still came back to him, this time as small and meek as it had come out and he walked over to his couch and sat down dejectedly with a sigh.
"Alone..."
You were expecting her to be here weren't you?
"Yeah..." He stared down at the rug sadly.
Then go find her.
"But I drove her away."
Then drive her back.
A smile traced Seto's lips and he nodded silently. Standing up again he walked over to the door and left through it. Getting into his car he turned on the ignition and pulled out of his overly extensive driveway as he muttered to himself.
"Nothing makes sense anymore... But I might as well join in with the madness rather than trying to stand up against it all by myself."
