Chapter Ten

To Feel or Not to Feel, That Is The Question
Rowan needed several long minutes before she felt able to try and find Angel. Great Powers were involved in this mess; but so were people, with emotions and needs of their own. Rowan felt very deeply that Angel needed to know the whole Buffy story to understand that, while not pre- ordained, the relationship was still very important.
Dredging up the energy, Rowan staggered out her door and down the seemingly endless hall to look for Angel. By the time Rowan had made it three room's length, she was sweating and panting. Thankfully, she saw light peeking out beneath the door to the room she had visited earlier and assumed was his. Having slowly made it the rest of the distance, she pushed her way in.
Angel was laying back on the bed, a framed picture of Buffy grasped tightly in one large hand and a thick, silver claddaugh ring in the other. "I can't accept this. I can't accept that we were never meant to be!"
Rowan eased herself carefully onto the edge of the bed. "Angel," she called softly, trying to bring him out of his agitated state. "I watched you during your time in Hell, you know."
Her voice registered on Angel's face, but he did not respond to her or look away from the picture frame. Rowan continued in the same steady voice. "Those glimpses of you, those were my first scryings after my Gram died. The tortures visited on you- the pain and degradation- but you never broke. You never cried out. You suffered in silence."
Angel turned his stare to her. "You Saw me?"
Rowan nodded, her head aching from the motion. "I Saw you. At first, I was glad to see you there. I blamed you for my Gram's death- she died because you couldn't keep it in your pants. I also blamed Buffy- I knew what the others Saw as your future, and she wasn't part of it. But the longer I Watched you, the more I wondered why you just took the punishment and never fought it. And then I realized, it was because you thought that you deserved it." Angel swallowed. "I still would deserve it." Rowan shook her head negatively, the ache inside it increasing. She needed to remember NOT to do that. "No. It was because Buffy and her friends had finally made you really understand the damage you had caused as Angelus, instead of just the body count."
Angel blinked at her, but did not turn away, so she continued. "Buffy made you into the Warrior the Powers wished for far faster than the future they had planned for you would have done so. For that alone, Buffy is special."
Angel's knuckles whitened with the pressure of holding on to the picture frame. Rowan was sure that the claddaugh ring was leaving angry welts on his palm as well. "Just because the Powers didn't mean for it to happen doesn't make the relationship less important to you."
Angel blinked at her again. "You don't understand."
Puzzled, she wondered where she had gotten it wrong. Rowan, holding out her arms, pleaded, "Then explain it to me." Angel was beyond distraught, and took a few moments to reply. Placing Buffy's picture carefully down on the nightstand, Angel sat up and folded one leg beneath the other. He leveled his eyes with hers before he spoke. His lower lip actually trembled as he spoke, the closest the stoic vampire ever came to actually crying. "Aside from the idea that Buffy and I won't be together after all, which I guess I'll get used to. If Buffy and I aren't soul mates, and I hurt this badly being away from her- I don't know that I could stand the chance of losing someone I love more than her."
Rowan reached out for his hand, understanding flooding her. "Emotions are life. Would you rather be a killing machine like Angelus, who never feels anything but an emptiness, or be sometimes incredibly happy, sometimes in-pain Angel? You've been both."
Angel stared at her for several long minutes before looking away and blinking rapidly. Rowan pressed her advantage. "Has it been so long since you were human that you can't remember the smile on your face every time you saw your little sister? The flutter in your chest when a pretty girl looked your way?"
Angel clenched his jaw, the muscle twitching on one side. "No. I don't remember. I only remember feeling alive with Buffy."
Rowan closed her eyes. The pain in his voice.it was heart breaking. "If you don't remember, you'll be lost. Think back on it. Skip all those years of pain and blood. Think back to Galway."
Angel closed his eyes in response to her voice, concentrating on her words. He thought back to his human days, trying to push aside the knowledge of what was to come and revel in simple humanity. The days spent on horseback, wind whipping through his long ponytail as it came loose; the serving girl, dimpled and plump, peering through the inn's half-door as he dismounted after the ride; the firelight, shifting gold tones over her body as she posed for him to sketch. These were good memories, but how did they make him feel?

If possible, Angel felt even sadder than usual- because he felt nothing at these memories. If he had felt anything at the time these events had occurred, his vampire years had robbed him of it. Opening his dark, sorrowful eyes to look at Rowan again, he shook his head. "I feel nothing."
Rowan sighed inwardly. Angel was a hard nut to crack. "You did feel something, you've just forgotten it. Until you can remember that feeling, that isn't anything that I, the Powers, or an intended soul mate can do for you."
Angel gripped her hands tightly. "Please, help me." Rowan sadly shook her head and shrugged. "I'm not sure how, Angel."
"Please!" He was pitiful in his need.
Rowan rose, despite the pain and energy it cost her. "How can I teach you to live life, Angel? I don't even have the hang of it yet." She left him, alone, and made her way slowly back to her own room, sinking into bed and quickly passing out in exhaustion.