Title: LOTR goes Titanic

Author: MiSs-MaYhAm

Pairing: Aragorn/Legolas (only suggested until about chpt.4)

Rating: PG-13 (language, stupidness and Boromir being a pervert to just about everyone in this messed up fanfic)

Summary: After falling off of the bridge in Moria the Fellowship end up on the Titanic. Don't ask, just read… attempted HUMOR… R&R

Warning: Stupidness, crossovers, language, slash and Boromir being a perv.

Notes: This entire fanfic is written in screenplay format. Some terms to know are: INT and EXT (standing for interior and exterior, which are used when setting a scene) and 'beat', which basically means a silence in or between dialogue.

Disclaimer: These charters are not min but if you want to use the story just ask.

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LOTR Goes Titanic

Chapter One

INT. TITANIC. DECK – NIGHT

The Titanic sails peacefully on her maiden voyage. The deck is free from all activity. Peacefulness is rudely interrupted… nine bodies land on the deck in an undignified heap. Cue Panic.

Aragorn: Um… was that supposed to happen?

Pippin: (trying to look around, failing) I don't think we're in Moria anymore!

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo? Where are we?

Frodo: I don't know! Just because my eyes are bigger than yours are, it would help if this person's foot wasn't in my face! (beat) At least I hope it's a foot…

Legolas: Boromir, is that your horn sticking into my side?

Boromir: (smirking) Um, yes Legolas… you could call it that.

Legolas: Well what else would I call it?

Aragorn: (quickly) Okay! Everybody up!

If this order was meant to help their situation, he was sadly mistaken. Nine bodies of different heights and weights trying to stand at once can only end in disaster…

Pippin: Watch the arm! Watch the arm!

Gimli: Gandalf! Off of the beard! (beat) Oh, sorry, you'll find they're tangled.

Legolas: Boromir, stop falling on top of me!

Boromir: (smirks) My horn must be weighing me down…

Legolas: (catching Boromir's meaning, retorts slyly) Your horn's normally bigger than that.

Boromir: Why you…

Some time later…

The casualties have been picked up and dusted down. Beards have been untangled, horns snapped in half, egos bruised. Aragorn decides to assess the situation.

Aragorn: Right… so lets asses the situation. We were in Moria-

Boromir: We were running and I came to a cliff edge-

Aragorn: Okay…

Boromir: And someone crashed into me!

Glares at Legolas who has suddenly become preoccupied with fixing his braids. Looks up to see the rest of the Company staring at him.

Legolas: (to innocently) Yes?

Boromir: You were supposed to pull me back.

Legolas: Well you should have been looking where you were going.

Boromir: (defensively) You're the one with the fantastic Elven eyesight.

Legolas: Well I… (beat; the others are still staring at him expecting a good answer)…I made the mistake of looking into Boromir's shield. I, uh, saw my reflection and noticed my hair was looking slightly tousled….

There are collective groans.

Aragorn: You were doing your fucking hair?!

Legolas: (eyes turning into pools of tears) I only wanted to look nice for you, Aragorn.

He gazes at him from under his lashes. Aragorn smiles forgivingly. The others roll their eyes in disgust.

Aragorn: Well, Legolas obviously isn't at fault for wanting to look good. If anything, we should be blaming Boromir.

Boromir: Well I object to that…

Legolas: Well of course you do!-

Gandalf: I don't care whose to blame! (Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir shrink back) What matters is that we figure out a way to escape from here!

Boromir: That's how you take charge!

Aragorn: (defensively) Gandalf's older and wiser than I am!-

Boromir: Better looking too-

Aragorn looks about ready to kill Boromir. Spits an Elvish curse at him but quickly gets a smack on the head from Gandalf. Legolas runs over to Aragorn's side to see if the Ranger is okay…

Gandalf: That is quite enough you three! And Aragorn… watch the language!

Aragorn: (still acting like a disobedient three-year-old) But he said-

Gandalf: (raises his hand threateningly) I said enough! (looks around, regaining composer and taking in their surroundings) I don't think we're in Moria anymore. (Fellowship looks severely distrot) I think it's probably the work of Sauron!

Suddenly a horrid voice floats through the air. It might be a poor attempt to sing. Cue much panic and ear pain.

Horrid Voice: Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on---

Fellowship: AGH!

The Hobbits cling to each other. Boromir, Gimli and Gandalf stand together clutching their ears. Aragorn and Legolas proceed in covering each other's ears. But as soon as the voice comes, it goes. Cue instantly calm yet horrified.

Hobbits: What was that?

Gandalf: It was obviously Sauron's doing! No voice could sound that bad!

Boromir: Maybe this is Limbo! Maybe we're dead and have to stay here forever listening to that HORRIBLE… singing? would you call it?

Aragorn: I fear that too.

Boromir: (shocked) So we're agreeing on something?!

Aragorn: Don't push your luck horn boy! (Boromir pouts)

Meanwhile…

INT. TITANIC. UPPER CLASS CABIN ROOM – NIGHT

A young man and woman are in the middle of passionate lovemaking. Rather suddenly an old, oddly dressed man with long, white hair crashes down on top of them. Cue Much screaming. The man jumps off quickly and kicks the two out rather rudely.

Saruman: Well… shit.