Even More Messed-up-ness?
INT. TITANIC. DECK – NIGHT
The Fellowship stare at Galadriel, aghast. Gandalf begins the inevitable process of backing away behind Aragorn very, very quietly.
Galadriel: [annoyed] Hello Gandalf. Long time no see.
Gandalf: [peering out sheepishly] Ah yes, Galadriel… How long has it been? A few months?
Galadriel: Try a few years. A few hundred years.
The Fellowship look from Galadriel to Gandalf, and back to Galadriel again. Galadriel stares at the wizard expectantly.
Gandalf: Really, that long?
Galadriel: No birthday presents, no postcards, no child-benefit money…
Legolas: Hold it just right there! Child benefit money?
Aragorn: Something you're not telling us, Gandalf?
Gandalf: But it wasn't my fault! I tried to commit, really I did… But there was all that fuss about what our children would end up looking like, and then you shacked up with that fool of a Celeborn….
Galadriel: Celeborn is not a fool! He's twice the man you are.
Legolas: [barely able to disguise his laughter] I'd take that as a major insult, Gandalf.
Frodo: It doesn't sound so bad to me…
Legolas: You obviously haven't met Celeborn.
Gandalf: …and then there was that business with the Hobbit weed, and after that, well, I found it extremely difficult to show my face in Lothlorien again…
Galadriel: Ah yes, that business. The painters and decorators still haven't managed to get your underwear down from the ceiling, incidentally.
Gandalf: Besides, we were on our way to visit you. [insert dramatic irony here] Not even the mightiest Balrog would have kept me away [end dramatic irony]. You look terrific, by the way. Have you changed your hair?
Galadriel: [pleased] Well yes, actually… Had it permed, since you ask.
Legolas: Never mind Galadriel. We can't all be naturally beautiful.
Galadriel: When was the last time you checked your roots, Legolas?
Legolas: Two days ago. [panicking] What's wrong with them?
Galadriel: [stage whisper] You might want to check them again.
Legolas joins Gandalf in hiding behind Aragorn.
Aragorn: [turning to comfort him] Legolas, you look fine.
Legolas: [screaming] Stop looking at me, bitch!
Galadriel: Right, now that's out of the way with, I suppose you want me to tell you where we are?
All: We surely do!
Galadriel: [giving them all an odd look] Right… well, we're on a boat.
Boromir: But we were not near the ocean. I sense devilry!
Galadriel: No, well, about that… It seems that the horrors of Moria were more vast than we ever imagined. The dwarfs dug too deeply…
Gimli: [muttering] Here we go. Let's pick on the dwarfs…
Galadriel: [glaring at him] … and happened across another world. It is simply called Earth.
Pippin: What kind of a stupid name is Earth? It doesn't even make sense. Now Middle Earth, that's a proper name…
Merry: Pippin! The scary Elf lady is trying to speak.
Pippin: Oops. Sorry…
Galadriel: Many years ago, when the Dwarfs first discovered Earth, a group of them ventured forth to see what horrors would await them. But whatever their terrible expectations, nothing could possibly prepare them for what they actually found…
Boromir: Devilry?
Legolas: Witchcraft?
Sam: Cling film? [everyone turns to stare at him in bemusement] Well I think it's scary…
Galadriel: [growing more and more annoyed] No! Not cling film!
Aragorn: Well what then?
Everyone stares at her expectantly. It suddenly dawns on her that she's meant to answer.
Galadriel: Well I don't know. They never came back.
Gandalf: So the point of this story was…?
Galadriel: I don't know. Add some suspense, I suppose…
Aragorn: Well surely you know something? You were saying we were on a boat. Where are we headed?
Galadriel: To the US of A
Sam: [trembling with terror] The what what of what?
Aragorn: So how do we get back to Middle Earth?
Galadriel: Ah yes, about that. Apparently, what with all the many crossovers happening in the fandom, there won't be an opening in the time-space continuum for a few days at least.
Pippin: Crossover?
Merry: Fandom?
Galadriel: I've got no clue either. Just go with it. Anyway, as I was saying, we've got to wait this out for a few days, until they can fit us in, so in the mean time, we should probably just relax.
Gimli: Who are 'they'?
Galadriel: [annoyed] I told you, I haven't a clue. Random messages keep popping into my head, and I'm just spurting them out. Oooh, wait, here's another one… We can't relax. A mortal enemy is on the boat. Oh, how annoying. I wanted to catch up on my sunbathing.
Gandalf: Who could this mortal enemy possibly be? And what would he be doing in this strange Earth place?
INT. TITANIC. UPPERCLASS CABIN – NIGHT
Saruman has kicked out the lovers he so rudely interrupted, and has set up office in the cabin. As his props are limited, he has had to make the best of a bad situation by dimming the lights and humming evil music under his breath at dramatic intervals. At this moment in time, he is trying to summon up an orc or two.
Saruman: A syndasama squashed banana… [beat] That doesn't sound quite right… Oh, where are the big snowy mountains when I need them? Will someone throw me a fricken bone here? I'm the boss. Need the info.
Suddenly, as more of a desperate attempt to stop the Dr. Evil impersonation than as a gesture of kindness, the writer chucks in a couple of Random Urak-Hai.
Saruman: Thank you.
Random Urak-Hai 1: Uh, who are you speaking to, boss?
Saruman: Damned if I know. Or, indeed, damned if I don't, ha… A joke, y'see… Damned… Because, I am damned… Little joke? You can laugh…
The Random Urak-Hai look at each other and laugh nervously.
Saruman: Right, you can stop now.
Random Urak-Hai 2: Thanks.
Saruman: Well, I suppose you'll want to know what we're doing here? [the Random Urak-Hai shrug] Yes, well, me too. I've deduced that we are in some kind of eternal Hell, where the ground is constantly moving, thus making me feel just a little, well, sick. I am almost certain that this is that stupid fop Gandalf's doing, who is irrationally jealous of me because I have better hair than him, not to mention longer nails. I think that possibly, he may be near, along with the rest of his little Fellowship, which also includes the ring-bearer. Are you following me? [the Random Urak-Hai shrug] Therefore, we must find the fellowship, steal the ring, and oh… there was something else… what was it? [he drums his nails on the sideboard. The Random Urak-Hai cringe] Ah, yes, I must tell Legolas that I love him. Then hopefully, once I have the ring, I can magic myself back to Middle Earth. [the Random Urak-Hai look up sharply] I mean, I can magic us back to Middle Earth. Is that clear? [they nod] Excellent. And then I can demand that the people of Middle Earth pay me [beat] one billion dollars! Muhahahahahahahahaha… Join in… [the Random Urak-Hai sigh before joining in]
All: Muhahahahahahahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!
Saruman: Okay, you can shut up now.
*~*
Thanks to Becki for all the great reviews. Warning: next chapter WILL have slash so if you don't like it, don't read.
Um, is messed-up-ness a word? R&R
