Confrontations and an Awkward Meeting…
INT.TITANIC. DECK - NIGHT
The Fellowship have decided to split up to search for the mortal enemy in their midst. Sam and Frodo are taking a romantic moonlight stroll out on the deck.
Frodo: I think that Rose chick was checking me out.
Sam: [instantly alert] I'm going to kill her!
Frodo: Why? She was hot!
Sam: Did you… you really thought so?
Frodo: Hell yeah! I'd definitely do her.
Sam: But Mr Frodo, what about the thing you said last night?
Frodo: What thing?
Sam: You know, that… thing…
Frodo: I have no idea what you're talking about, Sam.
Sam: Oh. [he unexpectedly bursts into tears. Frodo pays no attention.]
Frodo: I mean, I know she asked to be introduced to Legolas, but that was probably only out of politeness. She was probably too shy to speak to me. I get that with women. A lot of them are overwhelmed by my sheer animal attraction. Don't you think, Sam?
Sam: I love you Mr Frodo.
Frodo: I know, Sam. You tell me at least five times a day. It's just a shame that hot women can't openly admit it like you can.
Sam: I'd do anything for you, Mr Frodo.
Frodo: Really? Would you set me up on a date with her?
Sam: No, I didn't mean…
Frodo: Oh Sam, you're such a good friend. I'm glad you're with me.
He hugs him emotionally. Sam sighs.
Sam: Anything you say, Mr Frodo.
INT. TITANIC. ANOTHER PART OF THE DECK - AT THE SAME TIME
Aragorn: Legolas, I wanted to tell you something…
Legolas: Could you believe Galadriel earlier? Trying to imply that my hair wasn't natural. [pouts]
Aragorn: …And it may shock you at first, but it's something you have to know anyway.
Legolas: My hair is one hundred percent natural. Just because I know how to style it properly. She doesn't even braid hers! Honestly…
Aragorn: I don't really know how to say it, so I'm just going to come right out with it…
Legolas: I happen to know that she gets a face-lift every hundred years. Why do you think she's got that permanently vacant expression on her face? Wise, my ass. She just doesn't know how to look any other way.
Aragorn: I love you, Legolas.
Legolas: [finally paying attention] What?! Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could have added you to my number! That would have shown Jack.
Aragorn: No, I love you more than anybody else that ever said it to you. I love you for more than your looks, although they admittedly are extremely pleasant…
Legolas: You just have an Elf fetish.
Aragorn: I do not!
Legolas: One word, sweetheart: Arwen.
Aragorn: She was a phase!
Legolas: [snorting] Try telling her that. I overheard her telling Elrond that the two of you are getting married.
Aragorn: What?!
Legolas: Yup. [he does an uncanny Arwen expression] I have chosen a mortal life, Father. I love Aragorn more than the setting sun.
Aragorn: Why does she love the setting sun?
Legolas: Dunno. Think she just said it to sound poetic.
Aragorn: This is bad. And why is she giving up her immortality?
Legolas: Well, didn't she tell you?
Aragorn: I think I remembered her saying something. I was a bit stoned that night, actually. Damn Hobbit weed. And I kept imagining it was you there, instead of her.
Legolas: Oh, that's sweet.
Aragorn: [seeing he's on to a good thing] I always imagine I'm with you, even when we're, you know…
Legolas: [shudders] Agh, too much information. I really don't want to think of her in bed.
Aragorn: Cause she's like a sister to you?
Legolas: No, because I'm afraid of what other places she'd glow from.
They both do a collective shudder. With that horrible thought out of the way, they carry on.
Aragorn: I'll dump her the next time I see her. For you.
Legolas: Wait a second… you don't expect me to give up my immortality for you, do you?
Aragorn: Well, not if you didn't want to… it'd be nice, though…
Legolas: Forget it. I'm not as desperate as Arwen. [he sees Aragorn's hurt face] That's not to say that I don't like you, though. You're even hunkier than Boromir.
Aragorn: [overjoyed] You really mean that?!
Legolas: Hell yeah. You even manage to pull off that whole icky facial hair thing.
Aragorn: Damn, I wish Boromir was here.
Legolas: He is. He's hiding under that bench over there. Think he's waiting for us to get it on.
Aragorn: [outraged] What?!!!
Legolas: I know. We better not disappoint him.
He grabs Aragorn and proceeds to kiss him. Hard. They hear a loud bang as Boromir tries to see better, only for him to bump his head on the base of the bench. Then they hear another loud bang, followed by a lot of pain. A figure has suddenly landed on top of them. They don't need to look to guess who it is.
Aragorn: Arwen, how lovely of you to drop in.
Arwen: [standing up, deliberately trampling on the two of them] Hello, honey. Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on?
Aragorn: Well isn't it obvious? Legolas here was, uh, choking… yes, choking! I was just given him a spot of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Legolas: [coughing feebly] He was very good, Arwen. And might I just say, that's a lovely colour of green you're glowing today. Oh no, wait… that's just your face…
Arwen: Shut up, Legolas. Will someone tell me what the hell I'm doing here?
Aragorn: Well isn't it obvious? To get in between me and Legolas getting together, so all the slash fans hate you. [beat] And I have no idea why I just said that.
Arwen: [beyond furious] Legolas, would you mind giving us a minute? I much desire to speak with Aragorn.
Legolas: [grinning widely] Sure thing, Arwen. [to Aragorn] Good luck, luv.
He walks off, laughing. Arwen turns to Aragorn, furious.
Aragorn: I can explain everything…
*~*
Okay, so there's part four. I know it's a bit of a cliff-hanger but it was such a perfect time to finish this part!
Note to people who want to know… after this part, my pen name will become Cypheria and this series might move into LOTR instead of crossovers. R&R.
