WARNING: There is some very anti-French/American/slight English dialogue in this chapter. Be aware. Please don't sue, it's only fun! Just to warn you, 'cos I don't want anybody offended, warning you beforehand…
A/N: I don't mean any of this! I love the Americans! They brought us good TV and fast food! But it's just so funny…
Sorry this hasn't been updated for ages but I've been on ma jollies. It rained, which is typical 'cos this is England, but I had fun anyhows.
Once again, thanks to Kat, love ya! *huggles* And watch out Milton Keynes!
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War!
(As this half opens, we see things still out of hand on the monkey department. Minus the twins, who as always, are thoroughly amused, everyone is pretty much scared…)
SP Monkey: *screams* I said pllaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!! GRAWR!
All: O_O
Morpheus: He's lost it…
SP Monkey: GRAWR GRAWR GRAWR! Roundeeeeeeeeerss! Hehehehe! *spouts steam from his cute, furry ears*
Niobe: Oh bahjaysus o.O
Oracle: If you knew what I knew I'd be going this way…very fast. *motions to a post about 100 meters away*
Twins: RUUUNNN!!!!!
(In a flurry of squeals and under 10 seconds, everybody makes their hurried way over to the… post, with the twins clinging to it forcefully for some reason unbeknownst to anyone)
Twin one: Two, get off my part of the pole.
Twin two: You're part?! You mean my part!
Twin one: It's my pole!
Twin two: Grrrr… Mine!
Link: Shaddap! *plonks 'em both on the head and motions to the monkey now running around in vivid circles* Watch!
(Now a little restrained by some medics that have run onto the field, the little monkey is forcefully biting things and writhing about more than Neo's uncle, a few species removed, in a wetsuit)
SP Monkey: Noooo! I won't be cured! *manic glint in eye*
Random medic: o_O *chases the squealing monkey around the field*
Sp Monkey: Heheheheh!!! *turns and runs at the Medics who scream at the sight of big pointy teeth!* (Monty Python reference there ^^)
Trinity: Good Lord, this is ludicrous!
Twin two: ~.~ Which dictionary did you eat?
(Before Trinity can launch herself at Two and… attempt… to rip him to shreds, a loud scream interrupts their thoughts, heads turning to the scene the SP Monkey is making. Winces erupt as he catches a medic and proceeds, in his rabid state, to have fun with his new playtoy)
All: Ewwww….
Morpheus: Even machines don't have that leakage problem… do they?
Twin two: Who knew a head made such a good football?
Twin one: Two! The police order said after food, after remember?
Twin two: Oh yeah…
Link: Grawr… I've had enough of this!!
(Being the only one feeling impatient at not playing rounders and being squicked out, Link takes it upon himself to pick up a rounders bat and throw it at the SP Monkey who is enjoying his 'medic burger.' The SP Monkey falls to the floor, dazed, with comedy stars floating around his head.)
Trinity: *screeches* How could you!! It was so sweet and fluffy!
All: o_O?
Trinity: And defenceless!
Morpheus: Did she not see it eat that guy?
Twin one: Hey Lardy, why not go and rescue it?
Twins: *snigger*
Trinity: Why yes! *skips away happily*
Twin two: Bahjaysus, she actually went o_o
Neo: Trinity! Noooo! *flies after her to save her, emitting sighs from the twins)
Twin one: -_-
Twin two: Bugger… Would have loved to see her be mauled to death by a cute, adorable but viciously rabid monkey…
Medic: *scoops the knocked out monkey onto a shovel* Ermm… you guys might want to take a lunch break or something while we kill/ castrate/ fix your referee. *sobs* And bury what's left of Larry…poor Larry… my only friend…Larry… *walks off howling*
Lock: Riiiight.
(As directed, everybody wanders off to find lunch. The twins sit underneath a sunshade on fold out chairs. They have champagne on ice, strawberries and cream, and for the final touch a pot of Tetley's tea. Remember; That's better, that's Tetleys! Btw, nobody here owns Tetley's, don't sue… grawr)
Twin One: This is the life…
Twin Two: Indeedy do brother. More tea?
Twin One: You know, this stereotypical English thing is quite good really.
Twin Two: The only thing we're missing is a game of cricket at the manor then home for cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
Twin one: -_- That is taking it too far. We're English but we're not that English!
Twin Two: We could be British then, I suppose?
Twin one: *sighs* How many times do I have to tell you we're only British if we're kicking the crap outta some other country? Stiff upper lip and all that shit.
Twin Two: Oh I get it, we're only British if there's a war or summat? If there isn't, then you're English 'cos you don't like being associated with the Irish, Scots or Welsh or whatever?
Twin one: Right.
Twin Two: Okay.
Twin One: Fine.
(Silence. More tea is poured. Strawberries are eaten. Champagne is sipped… and Two ponders the conversation)
Twin Two: *concentrates* Soo…are we English or British at the moment?
Because we're untied against the Yanks and Frogs but there's only us two here…
Twin One: Well the French don't count… we're always at war with them…*thinks* Uh… DON'T CONFUSE ME!!
Twin Two: My head hurts…
(While the Twins are contemplating whether they are English or British there is a loud scream that echoes throughout the field, making Two spill his tea and allsorts of birds and animals vacate their homes in fright)
Twin two: Goddamnit, bloody woman!
Trinity: *screeches* NEO! HELP! THERE'S A GHERKIN IN MY BURGER!
(It turns out that, within a split second of some unusual sort, Neo and Trinity have come and sat in front of the Twins with their burger and fries meals. The twins take no time in turning their noses up in disgust)
Trinity: *whimpers* Get it AWAY!
Neo: It's only a legume covered in the heated bodily juices of a miscellaneous farmyard animals, Trin dear.
Trinity: What?
(Whilst Trinity is taking her sweet time trying to figure out what Neo said, he plucks the offending vegetable away and throws it randomly, a scream from Smith's direction soon emitting)
Twins two: This is outrageous!
Twin one: Hey Yanks! This is our spot! Bugger off!
(Trinity and Neo look scandalised at the pale, angry looking people staring at them nastily… through sunglasses)
Twin two: And WHAT the hell is that you're eating?
Trinity: A b-u-r-g-e-r, stupid Brit.
Two: Oh oh oh!! That's it! I'm English now! Don't go calling me a Brit, you American- mpfh mhpf mpf!!
(Two's sentence is awfully and unnecessarily cut off as One claps his hand over his mouth with a trying look on his face)
Twin one: Behave, Two! FF.Net don't allow those words in this rating…
Twin two: *sulks*
Trinity: *laughs* HA!
Twin one: *growls* No really, Trinity. What is that you're eating? Looks like a cows arse marinated in your hair products then slapped between two slices of stale bread with bird droppings on top.
Trinity: *turns a nasty shade of green*
Twin two: And is that compost or lettuce?
Twin one: Very… fattening
Twin two: And what is that I see? A GHERKIN?
Trinity: *tries to scream and vomit at the same time, but ends up coughing and falling off the chair*
Neo: Would you please stop trying to break my girlfriend?
Twin one: *innocently* We were only pointing out her fat laden diet…
Twin two: How she keeps her stick like appearance is beyond us… eating that muck. No wonder only 30% of Americans vote.
Neo: What?
Twin two: Well the other 70% don't fit in the polling booths!!
Twins: *keel over laughing*
Neo: What did you say?! Did you insult my country folk?! *turns red… and blue… and white*
Twin one: O_O!! Uh-oh! A severe case of stars and stripes syndrome! RUUNNNNN!!
(The twins pelt back to the safety of their chairs in time to see glittery stars erupt from Neo's ears, in a pretty light show)
Twins: ^______^!! *high five each other with giggles*
Twin one: Another job well done, I believe.
Twin two: Trinity in tears and Neo spewing glitter, not bad if we say so ourselves.
(Just as the twins are settling themselves back down to strawberries and champagne there are more voices… Annoyed, they scowl at their oppressors)
Twin one: Grawr… What now?
Mero: RAWR! Tu va une poisson frigé!
Persephone: I am not a frigid feesh! It iz zose blondez oo are!
(The twins raise eyebrows as Mero and Persephone walk into view with their Louis Vitton picnic set, squabbling like teenagers)
Twin two: Posh gits.
Twin one: I wonder what we can do here…
Twins: *grin*
Twin one: *calls* Oi! Arse wiper!
Twin two: Trolly dolly!
Persephone: Moi? You ees adreeseeng moi?
Mero: You cannot speak to oos like zat!
Twin one: Err… we just did.
Mero: Ha, you seemple servants. Do not zink you can humiliate ooz! You forget zo easily!
Twin two: Forget what, frog face?
Mero: *evil grin* Zee battle of 1066…
(At this point everyone else turns up)
Twins: o_o *sharp intake of breath*
Twin one: That was below the belt!
Twin two: Totally uncalled for…
Neo: What?! What happened?
Mero: Ahh, zee defeat of zee Engleesh army and conquering zere rainy, leetle island bog.
Twin one: Hey hey! If I may remind you, snail eater, we had just kicked the shit out of the Vikings at Stamford Bridge, then run all the way to Hastings-
Twin two: AND it's OUR rain! And our BOG! AND-
Twin one: William the Conqueror was a bastard anyway!
Mero: We still won you. Every Engleesh aristocrat haz French blood in heez veinz.
Twin one: So that's why they're all lazy bastards! They're French!
Mero: -_-
Twin two: Well, if we're country bashing, may I mention the Elizabethan Armarda? *coughs* Looosers!
Twin one: And Agincourt? *coughs* Loosers!
Twin two: And who was invaded twice in the space of thirty years?
Neo: Well, if this is the game we're playing! We've had to dig you, Britain, out of two world wars already!
Twin one: Late for both of them as I recall?
Twin two: And besides! You steal all our place names!
Twin one: Yeah!
Neo: Well, you're Prime Minister is our President's bitch! (No offence to anyone)
Twins: *roll up sleeves*
Twin one: Well, your president has no hair!
Twin two: *terrible George Bush impersonation* Axis of Evil! Invisible Weapons of Mass Destruction! Military Conflict! Peace in Ireland!
Twin one: Stop selling the IRA weapons then! *dies laughing*
Oracle: I'd shut up, if I were you. In the future-
RWB Dude: Hey! I'm BAAAACCKKK!!! *runs onto the pitch*
All: O_O
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A/N: Enjoy? I know there was a lot of underhand and down right uncalled for jokes, but I couldn't help myself. I have nothing against anybody. Especially not the people mentioned. Sorry again if anyone felt offence.
EddieChoseLife: There ya go. A nice brew! ^^
Della C: Agent fangirls? Scary. We'll have to wait and see…
Kyrillia: Yes but later. I don't think the twin fangirls are quite prepared for that at the moment! Lol.
See ya next chapter people! ^_^
