8
Lily brushed a piece of hair out from her eyes and tucked it neatly behind her ear. A couple seconds later it slipped out again; she ignored it and continued to take notes. Glancing nonchalantly to her right, she observed Belle stooped over on the desk, sleeping on her arm. Seeing professor McGonagall strolling down the isle towards their seat, she gave Belle a sharp elbow. Luckily, McGonagall was quickly distracted at that moment by Sirius, who had at that moment fallen out of his own chair after dozing off. He quickly took his seat again and gave a sleepy smile to the professor.
"Ten points Black, I expect you to stay awake in my class," she reprimanded.
"Yes, of course Professor," he replied, changing his expression to one of sappy sweet innocence. Scoffing at his unconvincing attempt, Belle extracted a paper clip from her cheek that had become stuck and imprinted there as she slept on the desk.
Lily ignored the two, drawing a table in her notes to better organize the information. Ten minutes later and satisfied with her efforts, Lily looked over at the clock, anticipating getting to her last class of the day. She could see James out of the corner of her eye, and he was looking somewhat undone. Dark circles enclosed the lower half of his eyes; his cheekbones looked startlingly defined, as is he hadn't eaten in awhile. Without warning, he turned his head and looked straight at her, with an angry questioning appearance. Lily held his gaze for a moment in defiance; she could look wherever she pleased, thank you very much. She wished she didn't have to be his partner next hour in Divination. Hopefully Madame Trelawny would tire of this partner business let them carry on alone again.
James was looking back down at his notes, absentmindedly scribbling it seemed. Belle snored a bit, Lily didn't even bother nudging her. Finally, McGonagall dismissed the class.
*
James stared into the crystal ball, seeing nothing but a smoky haze. Even though it seemed hopeless, anything seemed better than looking across the table at Lily, who was chatting with Remus instead of predicting her future. Instead, all he had to view was her hand resting on the table next to the ball. She was wearing no nail polish, and there were ink marks from her quill all along the side of her hand.
His eyes followed the black marks up to her wrist, and then dropped back to the ball. He had no wish to see Lily today.
"James, hey, what time are we leaving for Hogesmede tomorrow?" broke in Remus.
"What?" asked James, suddenly uncomfortable under his friend's concerned stare.
"Hogesmede, you know, the town? We walk there sometimes - if you can recall all the way back to last month - " he added wistfully, and as sarcastic as was often his nature. Lily smiled, and he grinned back at her.
"Oh, yeah - Whenever, ask Sirius. Peter said he's not going, he's failing Potions and needs tutoring," James added.
Lily turned to Remus and casually said, "Oh, and you must also consult Alice, she will be joining your party as well." Remus looked at her in horror.
"Excuse me? Well then, James, if you are going to bring Ms. Alice you are all on your own. We would rather take Lily instead of you anyways," he added, scooting closer to Lily and Belle. They both grinned and took one of his arms each in their own. James made a noise of disgust.
"Sorry Remus, but you can put up with her for a day, can't you?" James asked impatiently. He felt a familiar wave of anger flicker somewhere in him; Lily was making her usually implication he was some kind of slut. And he was disappointed he and Lily would have to wait till Sunday to meet about Lucius, and for her to tell him some of the story. He couldn't seem to choose between his eagerness to get involved in that situation and his desire to stay away from Lily altogether.
"I know, I know James, she's welcome. But if you are bringing a girl, then the rest of us will bring an escort as well. Lily?" he asked, glancing to his right. Before she could respond, Sirius came and laid across all three, his head ending in Belle's lap.
"Are you in?" he asked her.
"Oh, always, Black," Belle answered. "Are you ready to have your fortune read?" she added, putting back on her bandana and big hoop earrings.
"Tell me everything, even the bad stuff, Madame Figg," Sirius said, putting back in his own hoop earrings and a newly acquired eye patch. Remus, Lily, and James studied them in amazement.
"They're so bloody strange," murmured James finally.
"Yeah, I thought eye patches were for pirates," responded Lily. After a moment she turned to Remus. "You're on, you boys can pick us up at noon," she said.
"Is Eva coming?" checked Belle from across the room.
"No, she has Herbology club," said Lily.
"Ok, then noon it is," said Remus, returning to his partner across the room. Trelawny was a bit distracted today, she was wrapped up in a vision of death a Hufflepuff boy named Brent had seen concerning the entire Ravenclaw Quidditch team.
*
Lily turned back to James and the ball. He said nothing to her, and did not look in her direction. A calm silence enveloped them as Lily touched the ball, holding it in two hands. Lily leaned in towards the smoky orb, moving her hands across it.
"Potter," she whispered.
"What?" he said, never moving his gaze.
"I think I see your future," she said, moving her eyes to his downcast ones.
James laughed a bitter short moment. "Oh really, Evans? What do you see - and don't disappoint me with the usual - you're losing your touch you know," he told her.
Lily slid her hand across the table, and covered his large hand resting there with her own. She had meant to get his attention, to get him to look at her as she delivered the punch line, and to see her victory in his flashing angry eyes. Perhaps even to make him laugh, or at least acknowledge her. He was looking so tired today.
But instead she felt his hand tremble as she touched it, and after a moment he pulled it hastily from hers. Unsure of what to say, she let it go, and remained silent. James finished the last five minutes of class with his arms crossed, his hands hidden under them.
Across the room, Sirius laughed at Belle's vision he would be getting a pony for Christmas.
*
Later that night, Lily noticed James's absence from the common room. She knew he didn't have practice because Belle was across from her doing her homework. And as hard as she tried to work, the dark circles haunted her.
"Lily, can I borrow your ink, I'm out," asked Eva. As she was answered with silence, Eva tried again. "Lily?" she called. "Lily!"
"Oh, yes. Yeah," Lily said, obviously unaware of the question. Eva just sighed and picked up the ink.
She didn't owe him any sympathy, let alone any favors.
She got up and left the common room, scolding herself with every step for such a sappy, weak disposition.
*
With all the strength in his body James hurled the ball over and over through the goals. He was alone on the field, and the sun was already beginning to disappear behind the hills. When he got tired of flying, he landed, taking the balls back to the locker room; sitting down in his dirty grass stained clothing.
He sat for awhile with his hand around the quaffle, turning it over and over in his hands. James could feel his fists begin to clench, something welling up again inside him. Most notably he could feel the heavy weight of the single piece of paper in his right pocket.
In the darkness of the room, and in his solitude, James felt a warmth dampness cover his eyes and an undeniable rage overtake him - he stood and threw the ball as hard as his arm could manage into the dark, hearing the satisfying thump of a dented locker. Sitting back down, he used his palms to wipe away the few tears that managed to escape. He took out the certificate from an official registry of a city he did not know. He re- read the letter certifying the death of his uncle, his mother's brother, a man he did not know. A man he had never met.
But that was it. That was all of them now, there was no one left. Not even the uncle he never did nor desired to know; an ironic comfort just in his mere existence. James did not cry for him, or for his mother or his father. Those wells had dried years ago. He despaired in the fact he was officially and for all intensive purposes, alone. And that he was the last of them all.
*
After checking several classrooms, Lily strode out onto the Quidditch field. After seeing it empty, she turned toward the locker room, hesitating for just a moment. She decided she didn't care if he thought she was crazy for tracking him down. Walking through the door, pushing it open, there was silence, and only a few streams of fading light from some high placed windows. He was sitting on the bench.
Without turning around he spoke clearly: "Leave."
When Lily did not comply, and instead sat a distance away from him on the bench, he looked up at her. She noticed his face was blank, but he couldn't disguise his eyes. They were defeated, and at the same time filled with rage. She said nothing. James got up and made to leave, striding quickly towards the door.
"Potter - " Lily called. James kept walking. In a split second Lily felt a rush of thoughts and decisions pressing upon her. She didn't trust him, she didn't feel like she should even be bothering. Then again, she knew something was wrong here, awfully wrong.
And she was having to put her fate, her plan in his hands, after he pushed his way into her business. This was not going to do. This was not a one way street. He couldn't break into her things, push his way into her life and then pull this kind of stunt. Now angry herself, she managed to catch his arm before he reached the door, and yanked him back into the room.
James fought her, yelling now. "What the hell do you think you're doing Evans?"
"Oh, don't pull this crap on me James, don't invade my privacy, my life, expect me to let you into my personal business - then act so suspicious and secretive, and walk around yelling screaming and brooding with you-"
"Screw you Evans, bloody hell why don't you leave me alone?" James yelled, trying to yank his arm from her grasp. She pushed him with her other hand against the wall. Lily was surprised at her own strength. He was much bigger than she.
"What do you want from me?" he responded to the push.
Lily was breathing hard now, the exertion of keeping him there was wearing her down. "What do I want Potter? What do I want? The same thing you ask me. I am calling this whole thing off, right now. I don't care what you have on me. I am calling it all off because you're scaring me and I can't trust you - " she screamed back.
At those words the muscles in his body went slack. "No Evans," he said wearily. "You can't do that. It's not an option now. If you are who I think you are, you're going to help me. You can get whatever it is you're going for, and you let me have what I want," he said.
Lily realized she was pressed up against him, holding his wrist and chest up against the wall. "And what is that?" she asked. "Do you want to see Lucius suffer? So all you want is just plain old revenge? Is that why you've gone to all this trouble consorting with me, your enemy, and risking getting expelled Potter? No delusions of ethical grandeur and a desire to help out your fellow man?" she added the last sentence sarcastically, as she had no snow white motives herself. "Just revenge?"
James said nothing, but Lily saw a flash in his eyes that told her that there was truth in her suspicions. That was what he was in it for, and there was nothing she could really do about it. She had no choice. They were both holding each other under some twisted form of blackmail now. Now she knew what he needed.
Lily could see a streak down his cheek, and knew before she had arrived, he had been crying. Now she didn't even bother asking why. It didn't matter, he would never tell her. The few inches that parted their faces told her nothing, his expression now as impassive as before.
She didn't know why, but she let go of his arms and took his face in her hands. Rising slightly on the balls of her feet, she brought her face to his and placed her lips on the streak of water staining his face - kissing away the only tear that was left, betraying his emotion.
Under her hands he felt him tremble again.
Giving him one last look of mixed suspicion and vague understanding, Lily left him, and headed back towards the castle.
Lily brushed a piece of hair out from her eyes and tucked it neatly behind her ear. A couple seconds later it slipped out again; she ignored it and continued to take notes. Glancing nonchalantly to her right, she observed Belle stooped over on the desk, sleeping on her arm. Seeing professor McGonagall strolling down the isle towards their seat, she gave Belle a sharp elbow. Luckily, McGonagall was quickly distracted at that moment by Sirius, who had at that moment fallen out of his own chair after dozing off. He quickly took his seat again and gave a sleepy smile to the professor.
"Ten points Black, I expect you to stay awake in my class," she reprimanded.
"Yes, of course Professor," he replied, changing his expression to one of sappy sweet innocence. Scoffing at his unconvincing attempt, Belle extracted a paper clip from her cheek that had become stuck and imprinted there as she slept on the desk.
Lily ignored the two, drawing a table in her notes to better organize the information. Ten minutes later and satisfied with her efforts, Lily looked over at the clock, anticipating getting to her last class of the day. She could see James out of the corner of her eye, and he was looking somewhat undone. Dark circles enclosed the lower half of his eyes; his cheekbones looked startlingly defined, as is he hadn't eaten in awhile. Without warning, he turned his head and looked straight at her, with an angry questioning appearance. Lily held his gaze for a moment in defiance; she could look wherever she pleased, thank you very much. She wished she didn't have to be his partner next hour in Divination. Hopefully Madame Trelawny would tire of this partner business let them carry on alone again.
James was looking back down at his notes, absentmindedly scribbling it seemed. Belle snored a bit, Lily didn't even bother nudging her. Finally, McGonagall dismissed the class.
*
James stared into the crystal ball, seeing nothing but a smoky haze. Even though it seemed hopeless, anything seemed better than looking across the table at Lily, who was chatting with Remus instead of predicting her future. Instead, all he had to view was her hand resting on the table next to the ball. She was wearing no nail polish, and there were ink marks from her quill all along the side of her hand.
His eyes followed the black marks up to her wrist, and then dropped back to the ball. He had no wish to see Lily today.
"James, hey, what time are we leaving for Hogesmede tomorrow?" broke in Remus.
"What?" asked James, suddenly uncomfortable under his friend's concerned stare.
"Hogesmede, you know, the town? We walk there sometimes - if you can recall all the way back to last month - " he added wistfully, and as sarcastic as was often his nature. Lily smiled, and he grinned back at her.
"Oh, yeah - Whenever, ask Sirius. Peter said he's not going, he's failing Potions and needs tutoring," James added.
Lily turned to Remus and casually said, "Oh, and you must also consult Alice, she will be joining your party as well." Remus looked at her in horror.
"Excuse me? Well then, James, if you are going to bring Ms. Alice you are all on your own. We would rather take Lily instead of you anyways," he added, scooting closer to Lily and Belle. They both grinned and took one of his arms each in their own. James made a noise of disgust.
"Sorry Remus, but you can put up with her for a day, can't you?" James asked impatiently. He felt a familiar wave of anger flicker somewhere in him; Lily was making her usually implication he was some kind of slut. And he was disappointed he and Lily would have to wait till Sunday to meet about Lucius, and for her to tell him some of the story. He couldn't seem to choose between his eagerness to get involved in that situation and his desire to stay away from Lily altogether.
"I know, I know James, she's welcome. But if you are bringing a girl, then the rest of us will bring an escort as well. Lily?" he asked, glancing to his right. Before she could respond, Sirius came and laid across all three, his head ending in Belle's lap.
"Are you in?" he asked her.
"Oh, always, Black," Belle answered. "Are you ready to have your fortune read?" she added, putting back on her bandana and big hoop earrings.
"Tell me everything, even the bad stuff, Madame Figg," Sirius said, putting back in his own hoop earrings and a newly acquired eye patch. Remus, Lily, and James studied them in amazement.
"They're so bloody strange," murmured James finally.
"Yeah, I thought eye patches were for pirates," responded Lily. After a moment she turned to Remus. "You're on, you boys can pick us up at noon," she said.
"Is Eva coming?" checked Belle from across the room.
"No, she has Herbology club," said Lily.
"Ok, then noon it is," said Remus, returning to his partner across the room. Trelawny was a bit distracted today, she was wrapped up in a vision of death a Hufflepuff boy named Brent had seen concerning the entire Ravenclaw Quidditch team.
*
Lily turned back to James and the ball. He said nothing to her, and did not look in her direction. A calm silence enveloped them as Lily touched the ball, holding it in two hands. Lily leaned in towards the smoky orb, moving her hands across it.
"Potter," she whispered.
"What?" he said, never moving his gaze.
"I think I see your future," she said, moving her eyes to his downcast ones.
James laughed a bitter short moment. "Oh really, Evans? What do you see - and don't disappoint me with the usual - you're losing your touch you know," he told her.
Lily slid her hand across the table, and covered his large hand resting there with her own. She had meant to get his attention, to get him to look at her as she delivered the punch line, and to see her victory in his flashing angry eyes. Perhaps even to make him laugh, or at least acknowledge her. He was looking so tired today.
But instead she felt his hand tremble as she touched it, and after a moment he pulled it hastily from hers. Unsure of what to say, she let it go, and remained silent. James finished the last five minutes of class with his arms crossed, his hands hidden under them.
Across the room, Sirius laughed at Belle's vision he would be getting a pony for Christmas.
*
Later that night, Lily noticed James's absence from the common room. She knew he didn't have practice because Belle was across from her doing her homework. And as hard as she tried to work, the dark circles haunted her.
"Lily, can I borrow your ink, I'm out," asked Eva. As she was answered with silence, Eva tried again. "Lily?" she called. "Lily!"
"Oh, yes. Yeah," Lily said, obviously unaware of the question. Eva just sighed and picked up the ink.
She didn't owe him any sympathy, let alone any favors.
She got up and left the common room, scolding herself with every step for such a sappy, weak disposition.
*
With all the strength in his body James hurled the ball over and over through the goals. He was alone on the field, and the sun was already beginning to disappear behind the hills. When he got tired of flying, he landed, taking the balls back to the locker room; sitting down in his dirty grass stained clothing.
He sat for awhile with his hand around the quaffle, turning it over and over in his hands. James could feel his fists begin to clench, something welling up again inside him. Most notably he could feel the heavy weight of the single piece of paper in his right pocket.
In the darkness of the room, and in his solitude, James felt a warmth dampness cover his eyes and an undeniable rage overtake him - he stood and threw the ball as hard as his arm could manage into the dark, hearing the satisfying thump of a dented locker. Sitting back down, he used his palms to wipe away the few tears that managed to escape. He took out the certificate from an official registry of a city he did not know. He re- read the letter certifying the death of his uncle, his mother's brother, a man he did not know. A man he had never met.
But that was it. That was all of them now, there was no one left. Not even the uncle he never did nor desired to know; an ironic comfort just in his mere existence. James did not cry for him, or for his mother or his father. Those wells had dried years ago. He despaired in the fact he was officially and for all intensive purposes, alone. And that he was the last of them all.
*
After checking several classrooms, Lily strode out onto the Quidditch field. After seeing it empty, she turned toward the locker room, hesitating for just a moment. She decided she didn't care if he thought she was crazy for tracking him down. Walking through the door, pushing it open, there was silence, and only a few streams of fading light from some high placed windows. He was sitting on the bench.
Without turning around he spoke clearly: "Leave."
When Lily did not comply, and instead sat a distance away from him on the bench, he looked up at her. She noticed his face was blank, but he couldn't disguise his eyes. They were defeated, and at the same time filled with rage. She said nothing. James got up and made to leave, striding quickly towards the door.
"Potter - " Lily called. James kept walking. In a split second Lily felt a rush of thoughts and decisions pressing upon her. She didn't trust him, she didn't feel like she should even be bothering. Then again, she knew something was wrong here, awfully wrong.
And she was having to put her fate, her plan in his hands, after he pushed his way into her business. This was not going to do. This was not a one way street. He couldn't break into her things, push his way into her life and then pull this kind of stunt. Now angry herself, she managed to catch his arm before he reached the door, and yanked him back into the room.
James fought her, yelling now. "What the hell do you think you're doing Evans?"
"Oh, don't pull this crap on me James, don't invade my privacy, my life, expect me to let you into my personal business - then act so suspicious and secretive, and walk around yelling screaming and brooding with you-"
"Screw you Evans, bloody hell why don't you leave me alone?" James yelled, trying to yank his arm from her grasp. She pushed him with her other hand against the wall. Lily was surprised at her own strength. He was much bigger than she.
"What do you want from me?" he responded to the push.
Lily was breathing hard now, the exertion of keeping him there was wearing her down. "What do I want Potter? What do I want? The same thing you ask me. I am calling this whole thing off, right now. I don't care what you have on me. I am calling it all off because you're scaring me and I can't trust you - " she screamed back.
At those words the muscles in his body went slack. "No Evans," he said wearily. "You can't do that. It's not an option now. If you are who I think you are, you're going to help me. You can get whatever it is you're going for, and you let me have what I want," he said.
Lily realized she was pressed up against him, holding his wrist and chest up against the wall. "And what is that?" she asked. "Do you want to see Lucius suffer? So all you want is just plain old revenge? Is that why you've gone to all this trouble consorting with me, your enemy, and risking getting expelled Potter? No delusions of ethical grandeur and a desire to help out your fellow man?" she added the last sentence sarcastically, as she had no snow white motives herself. "Just revenge?"
James said nothing, but Lily saw a flash in his eyes that told her that there was truth in her suspicions. That was what he was in it for, and there was nothing she could really do about it. She had no choice. They were both holding each other under some twisted form of blackmail now. Now she knew what he needed.
Lily could see a streak down his cheek, and knew before she had arrived, he had been crying. Now she didn't even bother asking why. It didn't matter, he would never tell her. The few inches that parted their faces told her nothing, his expression now as impassive as before.
She didn't know why, but she let go of his arms and took his face in her hands. Rising slightly on the balls of her feet, she brought her face to his and placed her lips on the streak of water staining his face - kissing away the only tear that was left, betraying his emotion.
Under her hands he felt him tremble again.
Giving him one last look of mixed suspicion and vague understanding, Lily left him, and headed back towards the castle.
