Thursday evening found James and Lily in a secluded corner of the
library, quietly pouring over old texts and letters. In order to find the
correct spell to unlock the book, there was going to be first and foremost
a lot of research involved. Neither had any idea how long it would take,
Lily said that so far it had been a trial and error process.
All both knew was that they could not move or take action until they had
figured out how to get the information in the book. James was secretly
worried that Lucius, already suspicious, would retaliate and retrieve the
book before they deciphered its contents. Because of that fact and after
Lily's example, James was also studying more about Defense Against the Dark
Arts.
There was silence in the library. James looked across the table at Lily. She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and there were ink marks on her hands. When she rested her face unknowingly on those hands, her face became stained as well. Occasionally she made a black thumbprint while turning pages, but still failed to notice the ink.
"Are you done with that volume on charmed books?" she asked him, never looking up.
"Why?"
"I want to look at it."
"Afraid I'm not thorough enough?" James asked. There was a flash of green and a smirk from across the table.
"Be quiet Evans. Besides, at the rate you're going, we should be done by the time we're forty or so," he added.
There was silence for awhile as they thumbed through more charms reference manuals. As James felt himself grow more and more frustrated at his inability to find any information, Lily got up and moved to a seat across the table, directly next to him. In fact, when she pulled out the chair and sat, she was extremely close.
"Look at this paragraph James, about the use of some potions and substances that can be spread across pages to reveal writing in some Southern European countries -" Lily continued as she pointed out the passage in question. "Read it, what do you think? Is potions a good subject for you, because I struggle horribly in it."
"Where? There?" James asked, pointing.
"No, other page," Lily correctly, pointing out the correct area. Her arm crossed and brushed his. Her skin was soft and smooth, and as she leaned over, her breath distantly touched his neck. James began to feel dizzy, tense.
"Oh. Yeah, I'll read it in just a second, I'm just going to put his one book away, it doesn't have anything interesting in it," he said, quickly getting up and grabbing a random book off the table. He hoped he had read it through well, if not, he would have to come back later.
After walking nonchalantly around the corner and through a few stacks, James heavily exhaled, and extended an arm to brace himself against a bookcase. His knees felt weak; he took a moment and collected himself before reassessing the situation. He had to get out of the library. There was no focusing on the project right now. He had to think of an excuse - Having no idea where the book really went, he shoved it up on the shelf above him and took another breath.
"That's not where the book goes, James," said Lily from behind him. He turned to see her frowning. That goes in the Dark Arts section, this is Botany. I saw you going the wrong way," she explained.
Lily walked up beside him and took the book from the shelf, having to balance on the balls of her feet to reach the shelf. She was right next to him.
James froze, and something in him threatened to snap.
*
Lily watched James walk in the complete wrong direction. She wondered how often he had actually been in the library, and thought she better stop him and save some time. Pausing for a moment as she saw him disappear, she rethought her actions.
She remembered studying, and feeling his eyes on her. There was a feeling coming from him that reminded her of Hogesmede - and she couldn't help but respond to it. It sat on the air between them and crackled with tension.
What was it? Anger? Contempt? Boredom and frustration? Regret for becoming involved, for all she knew he thought she was crazy. James Potter couldn't stand her, and vice versa. This was a very professional situation. But this did not help the way Lily felt.
Closing her eyes, Lily leaned back in her seat. She remembered the feel of her fingers in his hair, its smooth texture. His insufferable arrogance. The skin on the back of his neck. The way he always found away to annoy her. His eyes in the locker room that one afternoon, the rage and the passion for things Lily did not know. His shaking hands.
The library remained silent and still as Lily berated herself for such thoughts - and as her mind screamed in protest, she got up and walked in the direction James had gone. Lily told herself she was just going to correct his direction, as he wandered lost in the Botany section.
She found him leaning against a bookshelf a couple of isles over, near the back of the large library. After announcing herself and retrieving the book, she looked up at him and saw he was quite pale.
"Are you alright Potter?"
"Yeah, I'm fine - just a bit tired I guess. Maybe I should check this out and read it up in my dormitory."
"We have to be careful about what books we check out. Those records are visible to everyone in the school. We should only check out the general or non-descript ones. I don't think this one counts," Lily responded.
He nodded, his eyes down and away from her. Lily watched her hand move up and brush a piece of hair away from his face, studying it. There was something wrong. Her hand felt his forehead for a temperature and then moved down to his cheek. In order to reach it, she had moved directly in front of him. James head was hung; he was still bent slightly as a result of leaning on the bookcase. At the touch of her hand, his eyes closed.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Lily asked. Suddenly, the weight of what she felt built inside her all this time threatened to detonate. Rapidly she lost control of her actions. James said nothing, only took in a few sharp breaths. Her other hand found the opposite side of his face, and she gently pulled him toward her.
"James?" Meant to sound like a question, but when Lily uttered this quietly it sounded more like a statement, his name, an invitation.
When his face was almost touching her own, she saw his eyes - they were shut tight. She felt his body struggle with itself over something - the arm that supported him began to tremble.
There was no control at this point. Lily knew nothing else but the desire to consume and be consumed by James Potter. Shutting her own eyes, Lily brushed her bottom lip slowly along his, and felt an explosion of fire. Pausing, she then wrapped her lips softly in-between his own. The current that shot through her was so intense she pulled back after a few seconds and gasped.
His chest was heaving now. He said nothing, but after a moment his eyes raised to meet hers. Gray to green, his eyes were blazing. The current between them grew stronger, Lily took a step back.
There was one moment of silence, one moment of absolute stillness. Potter looked at Evans, Evans looked at Potter. The room spun.
Before she knew what was happening, Lily found herself surrounded by James' arms, swept up in an almost violent embrace. He held her tightly, kissing her with a hunger Lily had never felt. His mouth was incredibly warm and soft; her arms went around him, her fingers digging with equal force into his back in response to James' seeming need for her. His fingers found the elastic that held her hair and pulled it out, letting a dark auburn cascade fall all over her shoulders and back. His hands ran themselves through it, tangled themselves in it. His fingertips grazed her neck, and she felt a moan escape her throat. Lily kissed him deeper; he pressed her against a shelf full of books. The world around them crumbled.
Suddenly James pulled away, and took a few steps back. Breathing heavily, he had a look of absolute horror on his face.
"Oh my god, what have I done?" he said quietly.
Lily felt a moment of shock. Everything she felt had been wrong. This wasn't what he wanted - he was appalled at her, at what had just happened. Determined not to look upset at all, and seeing as she wasn't truly convinced she really cared anyways, Lily simply said "Sorry Potter."
James still said nothing, he just looked at her with that same expression.
"Look, it won't happen again," she added, with a little laugh thrown in at the end. Did she really care anyways? What had just happened? Why was the room still spinning?
James still didn't say anything. He just turned, and started to walk out the library. Lily moved slowly after him towards their table. He simply passed it, didn't even look at it. His books, quills and things were still sitting there. Lily didn't bother to call after him, she just sat down and put her head in her hands. She supposed James could come back on his own later for his things.
Lily knew that they would never speak of it to anyone; they couldn't even give an explanation as to why they were spending time together in the first place. No, the exploits of Potter and Evans in all aspects had and would remain a secret. Lily had no doubt of this, and that she would now have no problem maintaining their usual distant relationship.
She should have known better. Moving on, Lily gathered her books and headed back to the dormitory.
*
Now outside the library, James broke into a run. He headed straight for the castle doors, and threw himself into the night air. Running with no purpose he crossed the grounds and headed out towards some quiet fields and the pond. Once he was a considerable distance from the castle, James collapsed on the ground and lay down.
Curling up somewhat, he breathed laboriously after running so fast so far.
After some time James sat up and put his arms around his knees. His head rested on his knees, eyes shut.
He felt as if he was slowly dying. James had never wanted any so bad in all his life, the way he wanted her. He never even thought that kind of feeling was possible. In fact, it threatened to overtake him, fill him up.
There was no room in his life for this, especially not when it was Evans. He was not destined for happiness, or a happily ever after. His plans, Lily's plans, against the rising dark forces in their world, that was what mattered. Nothing could get it the way, especially not his feelings.
James didn't remember what happened to set off the explosion, but only he let himself go, let himself take advantage of her. She was probably insulted that he had let himself lose control like that -
He had to leave the castle. He had to literally get a distance away from her, or else the thing that drew him towards her would inevitably drag him right back again tonight. Even now, he wanted to go find her. To tell her he was sorry.
No. James was capable of control, especially self-control. There would be no more incidents between him and Lily. He would make sure of it.
Walking back to the castle in the dark, James saw a light in the Griffyndor tower common room. He only hoped it wasn't her; he had absolutely no strength left this evening.
There was silence in the library. James looked across the table at Lily. She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and there were ink marks on her hands. When she rested her face unknowingly on those hands, her face became stained as well. Occasionally she made a black thumbprint while turning pages, but still failed to notice the ink.
"Are you done with that volume on charmed books?" she asked him, never looking up.
"Why?"
"I want to look at it."
"Afraid I'm not thorough enough?" James asked. There was a flash of green and a smirk from across the table.
"Be quiet Evans. Besides, at the rate you're going, we should be done by the time we're forty or so," he added.
There was silence for awhile as they thumbed through more charms reference manuals. As James felt himself grow more and more frustrated at his inability to find any information, Lily got up and moved to a seat across the table, directly next to him. In fact, when she pulled out the chair and sat, she was extremely close.
"Look at this paragraph James, about the use of some potions and substances that can be spread across pages to reveal writing in some Southern European countries -" Lily continued as she pointed out the passage in question. "Read it, what do you think? Is potions a good subject for you, because I struggle horribly in it."
"Where? There?" James asked, pointing.
"No, other page," Lily correctly, pointing out the correct area. Her arm crossed and brushed his. Her skin was soft and smooth, and as she leaned over, her breath distantly touched his neck. James began to feel dizzy, tense.
"Oh. Yeah, I'll read it in just a second, I'm just going to put his one book away, it doesn't have anything interesting in it," he said, quickly getting up and grabbing a random book off the table. He hoped he had read it through well, if not, he would have to come back later.
After walking nonchalantly around the corner and through a few stacks, James heavily exhaled, and extended an arm to brace himself against a bookcase. His knees felt weak; he took a moment and collected himself before reassessing the situation. He had to get out of the library. There was no focusing on the project right now. He had to think of an excuse - Having no idea where the book really went, he shoved it up on the shelf above him and took another breath.
"That's not where the book goes, James," said Lily from behind him. He turned to see her frowning. That goes in the Dark Arts section, this is Botany. I saw you going the wrong way," she explained.
Lily walked up beside him and took the book from the shelf, having to balance on the balls of her feet to reach the shelf. She was right next to him.
James froze, and something in him threatened to snap.
*
Lily watched James walk in the complete wrong direction. She wondered how often he had actually been in the library, and thought she better stop him and save some time. Pausing for a moment as she saw him disappear, she rethought her actions.
She remembered studying, and feeling his eyes on her. There was a feeling coming from him that reminded her of Hogesmede - and she couldn't help but respond to it. It sat on the air between them and crackled with tension.
What was it? Anger? Contempt? Boredom and frustration? Regret for becoming involved, for all she knew he thought she was crazy. James Potter couldn't stand her, and vice versa. This was a very professional situation. But this did not help the way Lily felt.
Closing her eyes, Lily leaned back in her seat. She remembered the feel of her fingers in his hair, its smooth texture. His insufferable arrogance. The skin on the back of his neck. The way he always found away to annoy her. His eyes in the locker room that one afternoon, the rage and the passion for things Lily did not know. His shaking hands.
The library remained silent and still as Lily berated herself for such thoughts - and as her mind screamed in protest, she got up and walked in the direction James had gone. Lily told herself she was just going to correct his direction, as he wandered lost in the Botany section.
She found him leaning against a bookshelf a couple of isles over, near the back of the large library. After announcing herself and retrieving the book, she looked up at him and saw he was quite pale.
"Are you alright Potter?"
"Yeah, I'm fine - just a bit tired I guess. Maybe I should check this out and read it up in my dormitory."
"We have to be careful about what books we check out. Those records are visible to everyone in the school. We should only check out the general or non-descript ones. I don't think this one counts," Lily responded.
He nodded, his eyes down and away from her. Lily watched her hand move up and brush a piece of hair away from his face, studying it. There was something wrong. Her hand felt his forehead for a temperature and then moved down to his cheek. In order to reach it, she had moved directly in front of him. James head was hung; he was still bent slightly as a result of leaning on the bookcase. At the touch of her hand, his eyes closed.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Lily asked. Suddenly, the weight of what she felt built inside her all this time threatened to detonate. Rapidly she lost control of her actions. James said nothing, only took in a few sharp breaths. Her other hand found the opposite side of his face, and she gently pulled him toward her.
"James?" Meant to sound like a question, but when Lily uttered this quietly it sounded more like a statement, his name, an invitation.
When his face was almost touching her own, she saw his eyes - they were shut tight. She felt his body struggle with itself over something - the arm that supported him began to tremble.
There was no control at this point. Lily knew nothing else but the desire to consume and be consumed by James Potter. Shutting her own eyes, Lily brushed her bottom lip slowly along his, and felt an explosion of fire. Pausing, she then wrapped her lips softly in-between his own. The current that shot through her was so intense she pulled back after a few seconds and gasped.
His chest was heaving now. He said nothing, but after a moment his eyes raised to meet hers. Gray to green, his eyes were blazing. The current between them grew stronger, Lily took a step back.
There was one moment of silence, one moment of absolute stillness. Potter looked at Evans, Evans looked at Potter. The room spun.
Before she knew what was happening, Lily found herself surrounded by James' arms, swept up in an almost violent embrace. He held her tightly, kissing her with a hunger Lily had never felt. His mouth was incredibly warm and soft; her arms went around him, her fingers digging with equal force into his back in response to James' seeming need for her. His fingers found the elastic that held her hair and pulled it out, letting a dark auburn cascade fall all over her shoulders and back. His hands ran themselves through it, tangled themselves in it. His fingertips grazed her neck, and she felt a moan escape her throat. Lily kissed him deeper; he pressed her against a shelf full of books. The world around them crumbled.
Suddenly James pulled away, and took a few steps back. Breathing heavily, he had a look of absolute horror on his face.
"Oh my god, what have I done?" he said quietly.
Lily felt a moment of shock. Everything she felt had been wrong. This wasn't what he wanted - he was appalled at her, at what had just happened. Determined not to look upset at all, and seeing as she wasn't truly convinced she really cared anyways, Lily simply said "Sorry Potter."
James still said nothing, he just looked at her with that same expression.
"Look, it won't happen again," she added, with a little laugh thrown in at the end. Did she really care anyways? What had just happened? Why was the room still spinning?
James still didn't say anything. He just turned, and started to walk out the library. Lily moved slowly after him towards their table. He simply passed it, didn't even look at it. His books, quills and things were still sitting there. Lily didn't bother to call after him, she just sat down and put her head in her hands. She supposed James could come back on his own later for his things.
Lily knew that they would never speak of it to anyone; they couldn't even give an explanation as to why they were spending time together in the first place. No, the exploits of Potter and Evans in all aspects had and would remain a secret. Lily had no doubt of this, and that she would now have no problem maintaining their usual distant relationship.
She should have known better. Moving on, Lily gathered her books and headed back to the dormitory.
*
Now outside the library, James broke into a run. He headed straight for the castle doors, and threw himself into the night air. Running with no purpose he crossed the grounds and headed out towards some quiet fields and the pond. Once he was a considerable distance from the castle, James collapsed on the ground and lay down.
Curling up somewhat, he breathed laboriously after running so fast so far.
After some time James sat up and put his arms around his knees. His head rested on his knees, eyes shut.
He felt as if he was slowly dying. James had never wanted any so bad in all his life, the way he wanted her. He never even thought that kind of feeling was possible. In fact, it threatened to overtake him, fill him up.
There was no room in his life for this, especially not when it was Evans. He was not destined for happiness, or a happily ever after. His plans, Lily's plans, against the rising dark forces in their world, that was what mattered. Nothing could get it the way, especially not his feelings.
James didn't remember what happened to set off the explosion, but only he let himself go, let himself take advantage of her. She was probably insulted that he had let himself lose control like that -
He had to leave the castle. He had to literally get a distance away from her, or else the thing that drew him towards her would inevitably drag him right back again tonight. Even now, he wanted to go find her. To tell her he was sorry.
No. James was capable of control, especially self-control. There would be no more incidents between him and Lily. He would make sure of it.
Walking back to the castle in the dark, James saw a light in the Griffyndor tower common room. He only hoped it wasn't her; he had absolutely no strength left this evening.
