"Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean???" a cold voice asked. "No," was
the reply.
"YOU SHOULD!!!!!!" the cold voice yelled. "Okay... okay ...." said a somewhat scared voice, "Don't kill me, master. Lord Voldemort master." "I'll consider...." the cold voice, sounding more evil by the second. "Kiss my feet."
Whom anyone could have assumed was a Death Eater, kissed Lord Voldemort's feet.
"I'll let u live"
"Oh, thank you master! Thank you!" the Death Eater said. Then the Death Eater kept repeating under his breath, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
"Now fetch me Malfoy," Voldemort ordered the Death Eater, "He hasn't called me in ages."
"Yes, master," the Death Eater replied. There was a pause and the Death Eater asked, "The young one or the old one?" "Master," the Death Eater replied hastily.
"Either. They are both good," Voldemort replied, "Yes, both."
"Yes, master."
"If anyone approached you on the street and asks what you are doing, say this, 'I am fetching Malfoy for my master, the almighty Lord Voldemort.'" "Are they here?" Yes, master. Here, master. They are both here."
"Hustle now, Wormtail."
"No, master, I am Bellatrix Lestrange," Bellatrix said. Then there was a soft mutter coming from her, "Idiot."
"Oh right, I can't keep these slaves straight," Voldemort said. Then he muttered, "Bimbo."
"What do you mean by that, master?" Bellatrix asked.
"Well, with all these slaves, it's hard to remember who's who." Voldemort told her, "I can't be bothered by things like names." "Oh, yes, master. I should have been more sensible. Yes, master. You are always right." "ALWAYS.," Voldemort repeated in an extremely creepy tone.
"Yes, now where is my gay lover Malfoy?
"I am here master," Malfoy said.
"Good.."
"What must I do, master?" Malfoy asked.
"Why haven't you called me???" Voldemort demanded.
"Ummm.... Umm.... Well, you see, master, I just don't think that we should see each other anymore. I'm so sorry," Malfoy said as though his death day had come today. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Voldemort cried, "IT CANNOT BE!!!!" "I have fallen in love with Vernon Dursley," Malfoy said. (As mentioned in The New Adventures of Harry Potter, written by Chelsea Back and Brittany Horne)
"That fool I had an affair with about a year ago? I- I mean...," Voldemort stuttered, "that I met while you and I were on a break?" "Yes, master. That is the one," Malfoy informed him.
"Oh, I see...." Voldemort sobbed, "WHYYYY??????"
Harry Potter's scar seared with pain. He's feeling sad, though Harry. Very sad. Heartbrokenly sad. Maybe this is connected with that vision of kissing Malfoy for 5 minutes straight. Yes...maybe. "Wait, I thought I was dead," whispered Harry, "What's the deal?"
The following stuff in quotation marks are Harry's thoughts. "Why am I not dead?" Harry thought, "Oh yeah.... I forgot; Petunia only shot me in the leg, making pass it and think I was dead but really just in shock. Yes, that's it. Of course it is. Now Voldemort, what about him? He's never sad. Oddly suspicious."
But then, not the only one acting strange. Vernon had been sneaking out. And he was acting all giggly. Now Harry knew why.
Voldemort's boyfriend (Malfoy) was also Vernon's boyfriend! Harry realized. "That two- timing son of a-" Harry began.
"What was that??" Uncle Vernon asked. "Ummm... nothing, Uncle Vernon."
"Okay, then! Then I'm happy!"
Harry then heard Uncle Vernon mutter, "Because I just scored!"
"I'm going out tonight," Uncle Vernon told Harry, "Don't tell Petunia."
"I mean, don't tell her I just got back," Uncle Vernon said nervously, "and don't tell Malfoy I'm going out
"Okay... I guess," Harry said awkwardly.
"To meet that creepy alien Voldemort guy I had an affair with a year ago," Uncle Vernon continued as though Harry had not spoken.
Harry gasped( it was all a strange love triangle.
"You shouldn't be telling me this, you know," Harry told Uncle Vernon. He then muttered, "Even though I already know it." "Oh. yes, I suppose." Uncle Vernon said quietly. After a long pause, he added, "Well forget it then." "Well, toodeloo!" Harry said.
Wait! Harry thought. What if Voldemort was going to capture Uncle Vernon and kill him for stealing away Malfoy?
I don't care, Harry thought. Yeah! No more Uncle Vernon!!!
In fact, it was a good thing..
"Yes, Uncle Vernon! Leave! Hurry! Don't let me slow you down! Harry said, and then added, "And I advise you to go 30 miles over the speed limit! There'll be no police out tonight!"
After Uncle Vernon rushed off, someone called for him. "Harry, were did Vernon go?" It was Harry's Aunt Petunia.
"I dunno.," said Harry in a slow and dumb fashion. What then followed was a severe case of awkward silence. "Well, uh........" Harry said before he coughed (as what happens in all awkward silences, except for the one who is saying, "Well, uh.. is not necessarily named Harry).
"Well, I certainly hope it's not another woman! said Aunt Petunia, sounding concerned.
"Nope it's not!" said Harry as he struggled to hold back a huge laugh.
"Oh, good, as long as it's not that; it could b a man for all I care. Ha, ha. Imagine that Vernon, gay. It would never happen. Ha, ha," said a relieved Aunt Petunia.
Harry burst out laughing.
"AAAHHHHH HAAAA HAAA HAA HAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOY?!?!?!?!" Aunt Petunia yelled.
"Laughing, duh," Harry replied as though Aunt Petunia was dumb, "What are you, deaf and stupid?"
"Oh, well I s'pose so.... That sorta hurt though Harry. I'm gonna cry over how I'm middle aged, deaf, s-s-stupid, and have sagging bosoms," Aunt Petunia said before bursting into tears.
Harry then had a defiant look on his face, "Good, leave me alone then."
"O- okay," Aunt Petunia sobbed.
But then, Aunt Petunia grabbed Harry in a bone crushing hug, "Be my crying shoulder!" she wept.
"Get off me!" cried Harry, but Aunt Petunia just cried harder.
Harry then took his trusty knife, and then stabbed Petunia hard in the stomach.
"Owie!!" cried Petunia.
"Oh, well," said Petunia as she shrugged, and then hugged Harry some more.
"You weird old, woman let go!!" Harry yelled.
"No!!! Never!!" cried Aunt Petunia.
"I feel neglected," said Dudley, as he to burst into tears.
Oh, Ickle-Dudders, come in!" said Aunt Petunia.
"NOO!!!!!!" cried Harry
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" cried Harry again. That's how horrible it was. He had to scream two times. But Dudley thought it was a good idea, so he joined the hug.
"EWWWWWWW!!!! Aunt Petunia, you're getting blood all over me!!" bellowed Harry.
"Well, you shoulda thought of that before you stabbed me!" said Aunt Petunia triumphantly.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" cried Harry. Hermione had just entered the room.
"Oooo!!! I think I'll join the embrace!" Hermione said.
"No, please, no!!!" Harry cried.
"Yay!" cried Hermione joyfully.
"STOP!!!!!!!" yelled Harry, "Okay, now Aunt Petunia, get off of me!"
Harry then pulled out his wand. "DIE!!! ALL OF YOU MUST DIE!!!" bellowed Harry.
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" Harry yelled as Dudley dropped dead.
"Harry, that's nice," Hermione said sarcastically.
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" Hermione lay on the floor, dead.
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" there goes Aunt Petunia!
"So now I killed all three of you," said Harry to the corpses, "MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Now to get Ron... Harry thought. "AVADA KEDAVERA!!!!"
Miles away, Ron died.
Harry then apparrated to Dumbledore.
"AVADA KEDAVERA!!!" cried....
DUMBLEDORE!!
"Na, Na, Na, Na, Naaa, Na," said Harry in a mock voice. "I'm invincible!"
"So am I!" cried Dumbledore. "Yeah, I knew you were invincible! I just thought it would be cool to do that spell. But I also want to kill people."
"Now put down your wand, Harry, and let's have some lemon icebox pie and talk this over," said Dumbledore calmly.
"All must die..." Harry said like the Basilisk in the second Harry Potter book (written by J.K. Rowling).
"Yes, yes, I know," Dumbledore said reassuringly, "but first have some pie."
"Let us join forces!!" cried Harry. "And kill all?" asked Dumblebore.
"Naturally," said Harry.
"Well... I have also liked killing things.... Count me in! But first, pie!!! Then world domination," said Dumbledore.
"Excellent." Harry said like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons.
"But, first, pie," Dumbledore repeated. "Mmmmmmm... pie..." Harry drooled.
"Yes, pie..." Dumbledore said cheerfully, "And tomorrow, we start the day with donuts!"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... donuts..." Harry drooled again.
I just scored! Harry thought, thoroughly pleased with himself.
"Now, when you say all, are bugs included? 'Cuz I hate bugs," Dumbledore asked.
"Naturally," Harry replied.
"When you say all, are bugs included?" Dumbledore asked again. "NATURALLY!!" Harry yelled.
"Okay, just checking."
"I understand," Harry said sympathetically, patting Dumbledore on the back.
"Now, what kind of donuts?"
"Well I went to the donut shop and then here's what happened: I said, 'D'you got any glazed donuts?' He said, 'No, we're outta glazed donuts!!'
And I said, 'D'you got any jelly donuts?'" "Jelly?" interrupted Dumbledore. "And he said, 'No, we're outta jelly donuts!!' An' I said, 'You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?' He said, 'No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!!' An' I said, 'You got any cinnamon rolls?'" "DONUTS NOT CINNAMON ROLLS!!" Dumbledore yelled angrily. "An' he says, 'No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!!' I said, 'You got any apple fritters?'" "DONUTS!!!" "An' he said, 'No, we're outta apple fritters!!' An' I said, 'You got any bear claws?'" "DONUTS, FOOL!!" He said, 'Wait a minute. I'll go check.' 'NO, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!!'
An' I said 'Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?'
An' he said, 'All I got right now is this bow of one dozen starving crazed weasels.'
An' I said, 'Okay I'll take that.'" "I'm not marrying someone who won't even go fetch donuts.
"That thing I just said I did was exactly like in the song Albuquerque," Harry said.
"I simply cannot marry you!!!" Dumbledore screamed.
"Yes, you can!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!" "When you asked me to join you five minutes ago, I thought you were a man I could grow old with! Now you don't even know what donuts are!" Dumbledore said, overly dramatic. "But I am a man you can grow old with!" Harry said desperately. "Go fetch the donuts or its over!"
"Okay I will!!" Harry said, apparently frightened at the thought of leaving Dumbledore, "JUST DONT LEAVE ME!!" Harry ran out of the room and within seconds he was back with a box.
"One box of your favorite kind of donuts!" Harry panted.
"If you don't want me to leave you, then go get glazed donuts," Dumbledore said.
"I did! I did!!" Harry exclaimed, "I gave you the box, Sweet Sugar Plum!"
"There, in that cupboard over there?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes!!"
"Oh, I see. Good, I am pleased."
Dumbledore took out his wand. "Let the killing begin."
They both ran through the halls, killing everyone in their path. "AVADA KEDAVERA!! There goes Neville!!" said Dumbledore.
"DIE GINNY!! AVADA KEDAVERA!!" cried Harry, "AVADA KADAVERA!! There goes sum Hufflepuff kid!"
I have to go to bed, Harry thinks, Let's wrap this up, Dumbledore."
**hint** **hint**
Dumbledore and Harry killed everyone, including the bugs. They then lived happily eating glazed donuts and icebox lemon pie. They had grown old together after all. THE END. or is it?
"YOU SHOULD!!!!!!" the cold voice yelled. "Okay... okay ...." said a somewhat scared voice, "Don't kill me, master. Lord Voldemort master." "I'll consider...." the cold voice, sounding more evil by the second. "Kiss my feet."
Whom anyone could have assumed was a Death Eater, kissed Lord Voldemort's feet.
"I'll let u live"
"Oh, thank you master! Thank you!" the Death Eater said. Then the Death Eater kept repeating under his breath, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
"Now fetch me Malfoy," Voldemort ordered the Death Eater, "He hasn't called me in ages."
"Yes, master," the Death Eater replied. There was a pause and the Death Eater asked, "The young one or the old one?" "Master," the Death Eater replied hastily.
"Either. They are both good," Voldemort replied, "Yes, both."
"Yes, master."
"If anyone approached you on the street and asks what you are doing, say this, 'I am fetching Malfoy for my master, the almighty Lord Voldemort.'" "Are they here?" Yes, master. Here, master. They are both here."
"Hustle now, Wormtail."
"No, master, I am Bellatrix Lestrange," Bellatrix said. Then there was a soft mutter coming from her, "Idiot."
"Oh right, I can't keep these slaves straight," Voldemort said. Then he muttered, "Bimbo."
"What do you mean by that, master?" Bellatrix asked.
"Well, with all these slaves, it's hard to remember who's who." Voldemort told her, "I can't be bothered by things like names." "Oh, yes, master. I should have been more sensible. Yes, master. You are always right." "ALWAYS.," Voldemort repeated in an extremely creepy tone.
"Yes, now where is my gay lover Malfoy?
"I am here master," Malfoy said.
"Good.."
"What must I do, master?" Malfoy asked.
"Why haven't you called me???" Voldemort demanded.
"Ummm.... Umm.... Well, you see, master, I just don't think that we should see each other anymore. I'm so sorry," Malfoy said as though his death day had come today. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Voldemort cried, "IT CANNOT BE!!!!" "I have fallen in love with Vernon Dursley," Malfoy said. (As mentioned in The New Adventures of Harry Potter, written by Chelsea Back and Brittany Horne)
"That fool I had an affair with about a year ago? I- I mean...," Voldemort stuttered, "that I met while you and I were on a break?" "Yes, master. That is the one," Malfoy informed him.
"Oh, I see...." Voldemort sobbed, "WHYYYY??????"
Harry Potter's scar seared with pain. He's feeling sad, though Harry. Very sad. Heartbrokenly sad. Maybe this is connected with that vision of kissing Malfoy for 5 minutes straight. Yes...maybe. "Wait, I thought I was dead," whispered Harry, "What's the deal?"
The following stuff in quotation marks are Harry's thoughts. "Why am I not dead?" Harry thought, "Oh yeah.... I forgot; Petunia only shot me in the leg, making pass it and think I was dead but really just in shock. Yes, that's it. Of course it is. Now Voldemort, what about him? He's never sad. Oddly suspicious."
But then, not the only one acting strange. Vernon had been sneaking out. And he was acting all giggly. Now Harry knew why.
Voldemort's boyfriend (Malfoy) was also Vernon's boyfriend! Harry realized. "That two- timing son of a-" Harry began.
"What was that??" Uncle Vernon asked. "Ummm... nothing, Uncle Vernon."
"Okay, then! Then I'm happy!"
Harry then heard Uncle Vernon mutter, "Because I just scored!"
"I'm going out tonight," Uncle Vernon told Harry, "Don't tell Petunia."
"I mean, don't tell her I just got back," Uncle Vernon said nervously, "and don't tell Malfoy I'm going out
"Okay... I guess," Harry said awkwardly.
"To meet that creepy alien Voldemort guy I had an affair with a year ago," Uncle Vernon continued as though Harry had not spoken.
Harry gasped( it was all a strange love triangle.
"You shouldn't be telling me this, you know," Harry told Uncle Vernon. He then muttered, "Even though I already know it." "Oh. yes, I suppose." Uncle Vernon said quietly. After a long pause, he added, "Well forget it then." "Well, toodeloo!" Harry said.
Wait! Harry thought. What if Voldemort was going to capture Uncle Vernon and kill him for stealing away Malfoy?
I don't care, Harry thought. Yeah! No more Uncle Vernon!!!
In fact, it was a good thing..
"Yes, Uncle Vernon! Leave! Hurry! Don't let me slow you down! Harry said, and then added, "And I advise you to go 30 miles over the speed limit! There'll be no police out tonight!"
After Uncle Vernon rushed off, someone called for him. "Harry, were did Vernon go?" It was Harry's Aunt Petunia.
"I dunno.," said Harry in a slow and dumb fashion. What then followed was a severe case of awkward silence. "Well, uh........" Harry said before he coughed (as what happens in all awkward silences, except for the one who is saying, "Well, uh.. is not necessarily named Harry).
"Well, I certainly hope it's not another woman! said Aunt Petunia, sounding concerned.
"Nope it's not!" said Harry as he struggled to hold back a huge laugh.
"Oh, good, as long as it's not that; it could b a man for all I care. Ha, ha. Imagine that Vernon, gay. It would never happen. Ha, ha," said a relieved Aunt Petunia.
Harry burst out laughing.
"AAAHHHHH HAAAA HAAA HAA HAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOY?!?!?!?!" Aunt Petunia yelled.
"Laughing, duh," Harry replied as though Aunt Petunia was dumb, "What are you, deaf and stupid?"
"Oh, well I s'pose so.... That sorta hurt though Harry. I'm gonna cry over how I'm middle aged, deaf, s-s-stupid, and have sagging bosoms," Aunt Petunia said before bursting into tears.
Harry then had a defiant look on his face, "Good, leave me alone then."
"O- okay," Aunt Petunia sobbed.
But then, Aunt Petunia grabbed Harry in a bone crushing hug, "Be my crying shoulder!" she wept.
"Get off me!" cried Harry, but Aunt Petunia just cried harder.
Harry then took his trusty knife, and then stabbed Petunia hard in the stomach.
"Owie!!" cried Petunia.
"Oh, well," said Petunia as she shrugged, and then hugged Harry some more.
"You weird old, woman let go!!" Harry yelled.
"No!!! Never!!" cried Aunt Petunia.
"I feel neglected," said Dudley, as he to burst into tears.
Oh, Ickle-Dudders, come in!" said Aunt Petunia.
"NOO!!!!!!" cried Harry
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" cried Harry again. That's how horrible it was. He had to scream two times. But Dudley thought it was a good idea, so he joined the hug.
"EWWWWWWW!!!! Aunt Petunia, you're getting blood all over me!!" bellowed Harry.
"Well, you shoulda thought of that before you stabbed me!" said Aunt Petunia triumphantly.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" cried Harry. Hermione had just entered the room.
"Oooo!!! I think I'll join the embrace!" Hermione said.
"No, please, no!!!" Harry cried.
"Yay!" cried Hermione joyfully.
"STOP!!!!!!!" yelled Harry, "Okay, now Aunt Petunia, get off of me!"
Harry then pulled out his wand. "DIE!!! ALL OF YOU MUST DIE!!!" bellowed Harry.
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" Harry yelled as Dudley dropped dead.
"Harry, that's nice," Hermione said sarcastically.
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" Hermione lay on the floor, dead.
"AVADA KADAVERA!!" there goes Aunt Petunia!
"So now I killed all three of you," said Harry to the corpses, "MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Now to get Ron... Harry thought. "AVADA KEDAVERA!!!!"
Miles away, Ron died.
Harry then apparrated to Dumbledore.
"AVADA KEDAVERA!!!" cried....
DUMBLEDORE!!
"Na, Na, Na, Na, Naaa, Na," said Harry in a mock voice. "I'm invincible!"
"So am I!" cried Dumbledore. "Yeah, I knew you were invincible! I just thought it would be cool to do that spell. But I also want to kill people."
"Now put down your wand, Harry, and let's have some lemon icebox pie and talk this over," said Dumbledore calmly.
"All must die..." Harry said like the Basilisk in the second Harry Potter book (written by J.K. Rowling).
"Yes, yes, I know," Dumbledore said reassuringly, "but first have some pie."
"Let us join forces!!" cried Harry. "And kill all?" asked Dumblebore.
"Naturally," said Harry.
"Well... I have also liked killing things.... Count me in! But first, pie!!! Then world domination," said Dumbledore.
"Excellent." Harry said like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons.
"But, first, pie," Dumbledore repeated. "Mmmmmmm... pie..." Harry drooled.
"Yes, pie..." Dumbledore said cheerfully, "And tomorrow, we start the day with donuts!"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... donuts..." Harry drooled again.
I just scored! Harry thought, thoroughly pleased with himself.
"Now, when you say all, are bugs included? 'Cuz I hate bugs," Dumbledore asked.
"Naturally," Harry replied.
"When you say all, are bugs included?" Dumbledore asked again. "NATURALLY!!" Harry yelled.
"Okay, just checking."
"I understand," Harry said sympathetically, patting Dumbledore on the back.
"Now, what kind of donuts?"
"Well I went to the donut shop and then here's what happened: I said, 'D'you got any glazed donuts?' He said, 'No, we're outta glazed donuts!!'
And I said, 'D'you got any jelly donuts?'" "Jelly?" interrupted Dumbledore. "And he said, 'No, we're outta jelly donuts!!' An' I said, 'You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?' He said, 'No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!!' An' I said, 'You got any cinnamon rolls?'" "DONUTS NOT CINNAMON ROLLS!!" Dumbledore yelled angrily. "An' he says, 'No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!!' I said, 'You got any apple fritters?'" "DONUTS!!!" "An' he said, 'No, we're outta apple fritters!!' An' I said, 'You got any bear claws?'" "DONUTS, FOOL!!" He said, 'Wait a minute. I'll go check.' 'NO, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!!'
An' I said 'Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?'
An' he said, 'All I got right now is this bow of one dozen starving crazed weasels.'
An' I said, 'Okay I'll take that.'" "I'm not marrying someone who won't even go fetch donuts.
"That thing I just said I did was exactly like in the song Albuquerque," Harry said.
"I simply cannot marry you!!!" Dumbledore screamed.
"Yes, you can!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!" "When you asked me to join you five minutes ago, I thought you were a man I could grow old with! Now you don't even know what donuts are!" Dumbledore said, overly dramatic. "But I am a man you can grow old with!" Harry said desperately. "Go fetch the donuts or its over!"
"Okay I will!!" Harry said, apparently frightened at the thought of leaving Dumbledore, "JUST DONT LEAVE ME!!" Harry ran out of the room and within seconds he was back with a box.
"One box of your favorite kind of donuts!" Harry panted.
"If you don't want me to leave you, then go get glazed donuts," Dumbledore said.
"I did! I did!!" Harry exclaimed, "I gave you the box, Sweet Sugar Plum!"
"There, in that cupboard over there?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes!!"
"Oh, I see. Good, I am pleased."
Dumbledore took out his wand. "Let the killing begin."
They both ran through the halls, killing everyone in their path. "AVADA KEDAVERA!! There goes Neville!!" said Dumbledore.
"DIE GINNY!! AVADA KEDAVERA!!" cried Harry, "AVADA KADAVERA!! There goes sum Hufflepuff kid!"
I have to go to bed, Harry thinks, Let's wrap this up, Dumbledore."
**hint** **hint**
Dumbledore and Harry killed everyone, including the bugs. They then lived happily eating glazed donuts and icebox lemon pie. They had grown old together after all. THE END. or is it?
