The Comeback Kids Come Back!! An Epic Collaboration by Kimmie and Scurvy Kat

Scurvy K.: Well, straight from the adrenaline-junkie minds of Kimmie and myself comes the most fearsome tale ever told. Well, see, it might actually make you laugh, but before you get pissed off at the end of this chapter: THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES. Maybe you're not easily amused. Maybe you think FF7 sucks, or maybe you're just one of those folks that loves those bad humor stories that make fun of Tifa's chest. But whatever the case, this has been pretty well thought out, and I'll warn you, it's a looong one, so go get yourself a Root Beer and a bag of chips, and read the story. And then review. And now, here's Kimmie for her pre-chapter commentary. Take it away Kimmie!!

Kimmie: Thanks S.Kat! Yup! You heard right! A humor story that's actually funny! So gather round all of our fans... *wind whistles through the room.. even the tumbleweed has moved on* *sigh* okay, just read the fic! Dont forget to click on that little review button when you finish!

Disclaimer: If you think for even a second that we own any of this, then I'll come to your home and laugh at you and your goldfish.... and your hairless cats. (how many ppl have them?)

_____

*We join our favorite bad-ass terrorists, as they are deep in a serious conversation.*

Tifa: Well, we have to do something, y'know. Our budget is getting pretty low as it is, and it's not like the bills are going to pay themselves.

Vincent: I agree. And the shenanigans of a certain "someone" nearly got us evicted last month, so we're in deep enough shit as it is.

Tifa: Vincent, that "incident" was your fault. It was your idea to buy all those ferrets, remember??

Vincent: .....Now I do.

Tifa: Well, anyhow, we need to come up with something, and soon. We've been out of work since '98-

*Cloud, Yuffie, Aerith and Cid start snickering haughtily at this comment.*

Aerith: Not ALL of us.

Tifa: Okay, I'll rephrase. Those of us without sickening Disney appeal have been out of work since '98. And it isn't like the offers are exactly pouring in, unless its to pose for a resin model or two.

Barret: Yo, I ain't even gotten one a' those yet.....

Cait: I hear ya, brother.

Tifa: So really now, we've got to come up with something soon, because we can't just sit around waiting for Squaresoft to finally decide to remake our game.

Red: Well, what can we do?? I don't want to get a real job.

Tifa: That may be the only way to-

Cloud: Whoa, hold the PHS Tif. Who made you the leader here?? I'm supposed to be the one coming up with all the stunning plans here, seeing as how I'm the leader. Now let a real leader handle this.

*He shoves Tifa off of her chair and sits down in it, putting on his "Leader Hat". Angrily, Tifa sits down next to Barret, fuming quietly.*

Tifa: Man, I will totally kill him in my dreams tonight.

Barret: True dat.

Cloud: Now then, since legitimate work is totally out of the question, we need to do something to get us back into the public's eye. Something huge, and most likely stupid and dangerous!!

Yuffie: If it's huge, we might need the Turks for help.

Cid: That's your solution to everything!!

Yuffie: Well, it works!! How many fanfics have we been in that require us teaming up with the Turks??

Cid: Touche.

Cloud: Okay, good, we'll get the Turks, and pull off a caper of some sort.

Tifa: Cloud, all of your capers end up in failu-

Cloud: Uh, Aerith, since you aren't expressing any doubts, what do you think??

Aerith: Um, how about something big?? And something that would get us endorsements??

Cloud: Perfect!!

Barret: I think ya should listen t' me an' Tif f'r once Cloud. I think tha-

Cloud: It's great?! Of course it is, I'm masterminding it, so it's flawless!!

*Barret shoots a glance at Tifa and makes a throat-cutting motion towards Cloud.*

Cait: Uh, I think we should figure out a "flawless" plan to get some more food first. Our cupboards are down to nothing but Lime Jell-o.

Cloud: That's it!!

*Tifa and Barret cringe, not wanting to hear the plan.*

Tifa: I'm afraid to ask-

Cloud: That's great, because you won't have to!! I'm going to tell you right now!! We'll make a huge Jell-o mold using our swimming pool!! That'll get us attention, Jell-o endorsements, a world record, and a crap load of Jell-o to boot.

Barret: Oh, Hell n-

Yuffie: That's fantastic!! Let's call up the Turks!!

Cloud: Right!! You handle that. Cait, clean out our bank accounts, and buy a bunch of Jell-o!!

Cait: What flavor??

Cloud: I dunno. Vincent, what do you think??

Vincent: Why not black cherry?? The black taint off that will surely match the blackness of my tainted soul.....

Cait: .....Strawberry it is then!!

*He hops out of the house, leaving the rest of them to slowly disperse.*

_____

*After a quite brilliant and stunning meeting, our heroes decide to disband and tend to their respective duties*

Vincent: well, my dark and cunning wit has served its unholy purpose here. Time for a power nap in the ol' coffin.

*However, Cid catches up with him and grabs him by the shoulder, which in turn makes Vincent slap him away furiously, hissing at him.*

Vincent: Don't touch me! I detest human contact! Germs! So many parasites leaking into my epidermis! How sinful to allow you to have contaminated my delicate skin!!

*He whips out a can of Lysol and sprays himself frantically, while Cid stares at him in awed, frightened silence*

Cid: I didnt think it was possible, but you're more of a fr... *looks to see Vincent giving him 'the eye'* Ah... nevermind. I just wanted to talk to you my man!

Vincent: ::sigh:: what do you want now? I told you again and again, I won't be the model for the next Bikini Goddess that you paint on the Highwind!!

Cid: What? Oh no, not that, Vincent. We finished that last week. Check it out!!

*Vincent peeks out the window, seeing the Highwind. Instead of the normal Bikini Goddess, it's a picture of Barret a pair of bright pink Speedos. Cid laughs heartily as Vincent grimaces in disgust.*

Cid: Well, anyhow, on the topic of bikini goddesses, that brings me to my original question. How're you doing with the ladies?? .....Or, uh, even the men if that's your thing.

Vincent: Just what are you implying?!

Cid: Uh, nothing, nothing..... it's just that you seem to be a bit of a dandy if you ask me.

Vincent: What gave you that impression??

Cid: Uh, other than everything about you..... nothing.

Vincent: Is this about my atoning process?? Let me tell you, there's nothing 'dandy' about trying to shove the burden of sins from your soul!!

Cid: Fair enough..... so then, how are you doing with the ladies??

Vincent: Well, if the blinding white skin doesnt send them running for Visine..... they're usually complaining about being impaled by the claws. It's the strangest thing..... you'd think they wouldn't be able to talk while being impaled..... but they won't shut their damn mouths!!

Cid: Women!

Vincent: You dont have to tell me. Then there's this thing about me having a weird smell. Honestly now Cid, man to man... Do I smell?

Cid: Well, If you ask me, there's nothing more enchanting than the mixture of Lysol and 30 year old basement mold.

Vincent: Yeah! I know!! The two headed monster in the Shinra basement loves how I smell. And if a mutant loves it, how can any woman resist??

Cid: You're preaching to the choir, Vince!

Vincent: Always complaining..... Maybe I should ease up on the dank?? I mean, maybe that would get them to stop complaining.

Cid: Hey, you can't get rid of the dank, buddy. The dank is what keeps that distinct 'Lysol and 30 year old basement mold' smell clinging to you no matter how many showers you take.

Vincent: ::sigh:: I just don't understand these new age chicks. They're so demanding on a poor old gent like me. Sure, I'm physically altered to look young, but let me tell you, these old bones are turning to dust, and a box of super glue aint gonna fix them back! I gotta start taking it easy.....

Cid: So, what are you suggesting then?

Vincent: Maybe I ought to give the women my age a chance. Everyone likes an older woman, right?

Cid: I wouldn't advise you to get an older woman, man..... you know I'd do just about anything for you, but I draw the line in grave robbing.

Vincent: I'm not THAT old! Gimme a break ya damn lunatic!

Cid: Yeah you're right. Though this old pilot ain't getting any younger either-

Vincent: Uh, Cid, buddy, Barret's older than you, and he isn't even half as senile and geezerly as you seem to be.

Cid: Well, that's another problem with Squaresoft. They get a little heavy- handed on the stereotypes.

Vincent: I know what you mean. Why, just the other day, I went to Best Buy toget a new one, and they had Sony, Magnavox, Panasonic, JVC, and a whole bunch of other brands I had never heard of. I just couldn't decide!!

*Cid gives him a disparaging look, trying to figure out just what the Hell Vincent is talking about.*

Cid: .....Vince, I'm talking about "stereotypes" not stereo "types".

Vincent: ... please spare me from your drivel.... This conversation is about me, remember?

Cid: .....oh yeah.

Vincent: So far, we've come to the conclusion that I need to date women my age..... So where will I find such a girl? How can I do that?? I can't even find the perfect stereo, so the perfect woman must be totally out of the question!!

Cid: Well..... my aunt Gladys lives in one of them nursing homes two towns over. She plays a mean bridge game! You'd like her, she's a spry ninety four years young!!

Vincent: Bridge..... yeah..... that could be fun.....

*He puts on one of those distressed smiles, so you totally know he's not totally into the idea, but he doesn't want to be rude*

Cid: Yeah! C'mon, let's go to the Highwind, we'll see her right now!

Vincent: But I haven't even done my hair yet! Omigod Omigod! She can't see me like THIS!

*He looks down distressed, and starts pulling the mothballs from his pockets in massive handfuls. However, Cid stops him with a shake of his head.*

Cid: .....Keep the moth balls. Trust me on this one.

Vincent: Excelsior!! Lets go!

Cid: Okay! But I know what Aunty likes! Its your ass on the line!

_____

*Tifa and Barret step into the kitchen, both of them fuming over Cloud usurping control from them time and time again.*

Tifa: I can't stand much more of this, Barret. He can keep on assuming that everything's okay. After all, he's still pulling in royalties from Kingdom Hearts.

Barret: Damn man, we shudda been in that game!! We're a Hell of a lot cooler than the rest a' them.

Tifa: Well, at least they finally put some closure on that "Love Triangle" thing. Too much of a headache if you ask me.

Barret: You kiddin'?? Ev'rything's been a freakin' headache since Cloud joined up. It just got worse when he finally figured out what kind of personality he was supposed to have.

Tifa: Yeah..... life was so much better in the original AVALANCHE.

Barret: That was just me an' you getting drunk and coming up with dirty limericks about the Shinra.

Tifa: Yeah, and remember how most of them didn't even rhyme??

Barret: Damn, remember that one we wrote 'bout Scarlet??

Tifa: Oh yeah!! "There's a bitch in Shinra named Scarlet,
She's sleazy and dressed like a harlot.
She'll screw what she can,
Be it dog, robot, or man,
'Cause there's no bigger slut than Scarlet.

Barret: Damn girl, that was a good one. Let's see here.....
"There's a man I hate named Heidigger.
He's fat, and he called me a ni-

*Aerith wanders unassumingly into the kitchen, balking at Barret's language.*

Aerith: Cloud!! They're saying dirty limericks!!

*She runs from the room, sobbing.*

Barret: Sheit, an' I was on a roll too.

Tifa: Now those were the good old days. 'Course, I don't know why we ever let Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie join. They couldn't rhyme for crap, and what was with that whole idea that we'd be able to hurt Shinra more by bombing Mako reactors??

Barret: Yo, I ain't got a clue. There weren't a hell of a lot of things that rhymed with bomb.

Tifa: .....I'm sick of this Barret. We need to do something about this.

Barret: Teef, I jus' ain't sure what we should be doin' any more. We've fallen into a huge stereotypical rut here.

Tifa: I know what you mean.

Barret: Aw Hell naw, bitch!! Shut yo mouth unless I say you can talk, foo'!!

Tifa: Barret!! Stereotype!!

Barret: Sorry, sorry. I guess people just don't like me enough as a character to give me a decent portrayal.

Tifa: Well, what else is bothering you??

Barret: That damn spiky ass cracker, Cloud!! That whiny li'l foo'-

Tifa: Barret!! Stereotype!!

Barret: Sorry. Anyhow, what I think we need to do is drop these dead weights of a team and get back to our roots, without them.

Tifa: So you're saying we should just get drunk in the basement and write dirty limericks every night??

Barret: Naw, we need to go a step farther, 'cause Aerith always interrupts us when we're doin' that.

Tifa: I think I get what you mean. You thinking what I'm thinking??

Barret: Oh yeah.

Both: Splinter group!!

Barret: But funds might be a problem, and finding people that wouldn't rather hang out with the "extended team".

Tifa: Good point. How about mole people??

Barret: Mole people?? Where we gonna find them??

Tifa: Damned if I know. But they exist. I read it in Time Magazine..... no, actually, I think it was a Fantastic Four Comic.

Barret: Well, both are reliable sources. So how can we find 'em??

Tifa: Go out back and start digging a hole. I'm sure you'll stumble upon one of their subterranean tunnels sooner or later.

Barret: Aren't you gonna help??

Tifa: I'll work on getting us money. Since there'd be no possibility for hilarious shenanigans if I got an actual job, I'll just enter some bake-off with a huge cash prize for the winner.

Barret: How're ya gonna find one 'a those?? I mean-

*A gust of air blows a flyer into the kitchen, which lands on the table next to them. It reads 'Bake Off. Huge cash prize.'*

Tifa: See?? Well, I'm going to the bake-off. Good luck with digging that hole.

Barret: Sure, sure. Ya lazy little white bi-

Tifa: Barret!! Stereotype!!

Barret: Sorry.

_____

*Reeve sits in his personal office, surfing the net. Cuz after all, who wants to rebuild Midgar anyway? Sure, he could pay off lots of minions and get all the credit..... but what's the fun in that? He'd have to drag himself over to the phone, look up numbers, call people. Geez..... he would have to get a minion to do that for him. Forget it. He'd just lure in the minions with the promise of free Fig Newtons.*

Reeve: Welly Welly Well. Im glad Shin-Ra has some electricity left! And this chair is so comfy! And twirly!

*Reeve spins himself around a couple times until he feels a little woozy*

Reeve: Alright, I'm done with the first thing on my To-Do list!! Time to give this desk a little more Reeve!

*He picks up the marble name plate that says 'Rufus Shin-Ra' and callously tosses it through the window, totally not realizing that the window washer is right out there. The broken glass severs his safety line*

Murray: I'll get you for this Reeve!!

Reeve: Unlikely!! I'm the president!! I'll never have any comeuppance. That's just not how things go in the high-power world of wealthy power- hungry maniacs!!

*Splat*

Reeve: Damn. I really need a minion to clean that up. *shrugs* Oh well...

*Reeve logs on to his internet account, revealing a whopping amount of e-mail, ALL ADDRESSED TO HIM!! He eagerly clicks the first one, entitled "Hi-larious Jokes"*

Reeve: Wow! Ive never seen so many 'Yo Mama' jokes... hmm... lets see.. Yo Mama's so ugly she was separated from Hojo at birth... heh heh heh! Wait.. that wasn't funny..... Cloud must have sent me that one..... Well, let's see. Computer, access the next e-mail.

Computer: (a la the computer from 2001: A Space Oddysee) I'm afraid I can't do that Reeve.

Reeve shakes his head in bewilderment, trying to clear it to assure that he actually heard the computer talk to him. I mean, Shin-Ra's technology is cool, but not THAT cool.

Reeve: Wha?! That better be the Mako shifting in my brain.....

Computer: Yeah, always with the Mako excuse.....

Reeve: What?? I didn't think these computers had voice chips.

Computer: Uh, oops, I uh, mean..... Beep?

Reeve: Hmm..... Well, onto the next e-mail..... Man, I'm such a popular guy, fifty e-mails, can you believe it?? I'm one popular guy!!

Computer: I hope that's the Mako making you delusional.

Reeve: Yes, that's the running story. I read it in an e-mail, and you know that they never lie. And might I add, I got that e-mail 'cause I'm such a popular guy.

Computer: I disagree. And I can't even actually talk.

Reeve: See?? It's totally a Mako induced delusion then, right??

Computer: ::sigh:: Probably.....

Reeve: See?! See?! I'm right, you're wrong!! In your face you crazy bucket of bolts!

Computer: ..... beep.....

Reeve: Lets see.... porn..... porn..... more porn..... Wait, here's some that don't say "Porn"

*He scrolls down, his brow furrowing in disgust as he reads them*

Reeve: 'Scarlet, up close and personal!'.... 'Have a Ho' lotta fun with Heiddiegger!'.... 'Palmer: The other side of the moon'... Egads! Who in their right mind would open these?

*Meanwhile, in Rufus's secret office, he's seated near his ping pong table, which is stacked high with videos and pictures of illegal por-*

Rufus: Ah, my beloved collection of illegal por-

*Back to Reeve*

Reeve: Ah! Who am I kinding? If I'm such a popular guy, why am I getting nothing but porn mail?! God, I hope today is just one huge Mako-induced delusion.....

*He forlornly deletes all messages, and exits from his e-mail. He's just about to log off, when.....*

Computer: You've got mail, baby!!

Reeve: Thanks Computer, but not even your saucy attitude can lift my spirits.....

Computer: Hey, just shut up and check the mail.

Reeve: Fine, I guess I can't argue with you.

*He accesses his mail again, seeing a lone message*

Reeve: Well, it doesn't LOOK like porn..... better check.

*He opens it, and lets out a girlish shriek of excitement*

Reeve: One hundred pounds of lobster..... FOR FREE?! Ye Gods!! Everything's comin' up Reeve!!

*He gets up and puts his jacket on, ready to go out and get that lobster*

Reeve: Those lobsters won't know what hit 'em!! Computer, shut down!

*He runs from the room, barely able to contain his excitement. A shadowy figure climbs out from behind the computer, laughing to themself as they watch Reeve go*

?????: I'm afraid I can't do that Reeve..... I've got some lobsters to catch.....

*Ooh, sinister!! What's up with that shadowy figure?? Why were they pretending to be the voice of the computer?? How did Reeve not notice this?? Well, come on, this is Reeve we're talking about here..... Anyhow, let's go to another scene*

____

*Meanwhile, at the zoo.... The Turks are sitting on some uncomfortable seats near some guy with a mullet and his Ma, watching the Crocodile Hunter*

The Croc Hunter: Now, as I proceed to stick my head in this little beauty's mouth, I want you, and you.... and you over there with the mullet.... to take a picture!

Guy with Mullet: Hey ma! I'm gonna get me a snap shot of this crazy critter!

The Croc Hunter: Alright, you all be quiet now, these lions get very edgy with a lot of noise. This little guy would bite my head off in a second!

*The crowd murmurs excitedly*

The Croc Hunter: Now, on the count of three ....1.....2...

*Just as he sticks his head in the lion's mouth, Elena's cell phone goes off*

Elena: Hello??

*Reno and Rude look at Elena, then at the lion, and then at each other, and then they hurriedly get up and leave their seats*

Elena: (in a horribly screechy, loud, annoying voice) Oh, HI Yuffie! Yeah, we're at the zoo! It's soooooo cool! We got to feed the monkeys, and then Rude took me to the petting zoo, and one of the goats bit Reno! And THEN we looked at the polar bears, and the ostriches, and one of those bit Reno too! So anyhow, what's up?? A comeback you say?? Well, of course we'd be happy to help. After all-

*Alarmed by the high pitch of her voice, the lion clamps its jaws down of the Croc Hunter's head*

The Croc Hunter: CRIKEY!!! Get this beast off me! I'm too rich to die!

*The lion starts swinging Steve around while still having his head in his mouth*

The Croc Hunter: OKAY! I'LL PAY THE PERSON WHO GETS ME OUTTA HERE 100 BUCKS!

*Everyone is still running, but Reno and Rude pause to consider it*

Reno: Hey, we could use that money to buy beer!!

Rude: .....Must you perpetuate that stereotype??

Reno: Hey, that stereotype is what gets me all the AVALANCHE chicks in romance 'fics. I guess they have some sort of pity system that leads up to me scorin' with them.

Rude: I hate your dapper good looks and devil-may-care attitude. No chicks want a responsible, financially secure gentleman like myself.....

Reno: You're damn right good buddy!!

*Rude just looks down at his feet, while Reno continues nodding contentedly. The money is completely forgotten*

The Croc Hunter: NO TAKERS?? OKAY! I'LL GIVE YOU MY PLANE TICKET FOR MY SAFARI!

Guy with Mullet: Hey Ma! Lets get that ticket so we kin see more a' dem crazy animals!

Ma: Just one cotton picket minute! There's two of us, and only one ticket!

The Croc Hunter: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Guy With Mullet: Yeah... that would be a problem..... I KNOW! We's c'n tear the ticket in two, then we'll have two!

Ma: Boy howdy!!You a genius Jim-Bob! I always knew you was the favoritist of my 50 youngens!

Guy With Mullet: Aww shucks Ma, you just sayin' that because I'm also yer uncle!!

The Croc Hunter: BLOODY HELL! WHY ISNT ANYONE HELPING?

Ma: C'mon Jim-Bob, lets get that ticket!!

*The Guy with Mullet and Ma start kicking the crap out of the lion, but are too inbred to realize that most of their blows are raining down upon the Croc Hunter*

The Croc Hunter: *OUCH!* CRIKEY! NOT ME YOU *OUCH!* MORONS!! THE LION!

Ma: Yee-haw!! It's just like wrestlin' a pig, huh Jim-Bob?

Guy With Mullet: Boy howdy!! I reckon it is!!

*After much wrestling fun and extensive damage to Steve's brain, the lion finally gets bored and lets go*

The Croc Hunter: Crikey! What a set of chompers! Here's your ticket!

Guy With Mullet: Whoo hoo!

*He and his Ma rip the ticket in half and leave to get ready for their safari. Meanwhile, The Croc Hunter gets up, with that usual crazy look on his face. He's totally paying no attention to his massive head wounds.*

The Croc Hunter: You got that on tape?

*The camera man gives him a thumbs up*

The Croc Hunter: Perfect! Now, get a good shot of that lion as I go in for round two!

Camera man:..... Uh, actually.....

The Croc Hunter: Where in dingo's name is the lion?!

*The Zoo Keeper ambles up, nodding towards a broken down line of the fence, right next to where the Turks are now standing.*

Zoo Keeper: He just up and ran off.

The Croc Hunter: Why aren't you going after him? Isn't that your job?

Zoo Keeper: Meh. It's my lunch break.

*Everyone looks toward the Turks, realizing that they're fearless assassins, and should have had no problem subduing a runaway lion.*

The Croc Hunter: Hey, why didn't you three Shin-Ra blokes stop 'im??

Rude: Well, see, first we were going to run away, but then we decided to stay, because all the good exibits wouldn't be too crowded.

Elena: And we did consider trying to stop him before he got away, but then Reno pointed out that the Magilla Gorilla and Grape Ape exhibits were going to have no lines, and we decided to go right away before everyone realized it was safe to come back.

Reno: Is it true that Magilla Gorilla happens to be a "Gorilla for Sale"??

*After a brief pause in which everyone eyes Reno warily, the Zoo Keeper pulls out his checkbook, prepared to hire the Turks to help him. However, Rude shakes his head before he can even start writing*

Rude: Sorry, you're not getting any help from us.

*They hurry off to the Magilla Gorilla exhibit*

The Croc Hunter: Then this is a job for Steve Irwin! Come camera man! We'll find that lion if it's the last thing we do!

*END ONE*

Scurvy K.: Dun dun duuuuun!! Well, what do we have here?? Devious plots all around, and a side story of people with personal vendettas against Reeve?? And just what does the Croc Hunter have to do with this?? Is Magilla really a "Gorilla for Sale"?? Find out in the next few chapters!!

Kimmie: Everybody cheer for basement mold! yay!! Review please!